You will likely find it helpful to see a therapist of your own. They can help you work through your thoughts, feelings, responses.
Daughter 24 stole from me
- Thread starter Devasted Mom
- Start date
Childofmine
one day at a time
Good morning Devastated and welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry. I remember when my son stole from me. I was reeling and it was a game-changer.
I later started finding out the extent of his drug addiction, which often is coupled with stealing.
Your daughter, as you know, has been "gaming" you for at least a year.
Of course you didn't know and you didn't have a reason to suspect her. That is completely understandable.
Now you do know. Go slow here. Maybe it's just a shopping thing gone of control and maybe it's something more. You truly don't have to know everything right now.
Just try to deal with what is in front of you.
I 100 percent agree with everybody who says change the locks. Change them asap. That is a concrete action you can take and one that is necessary I believe.
I did that and the act of doing it was awful and my son pushed back hard on me but I had to do it and I'm thankful I did it. He was stealing from me all the time and coming in here when I wasn't at home to get things. They can be incredibly sneaky and we are always 10 steps behind. Believe me when I say that. You probably don't know the half of it.
Trust has been broken, and it will likely take a long time to rebuild it. She will have to rebuild trust with her actions. Talk is cheap. Don't believe a word right now. Action is all you can go on.
I would let her pay you back, but start the payback very very soon, even if it's $5 a week. If she starts doing this consistently, this will be a very good thing and you can very quickly see positive action.
If she doesn't, then that's another matter.
While this is going on, take better care of yourself. This is very hard stuff, realizing our grown children have serious problems. It calls everything we thought we knew into question. It takes a huge toll on us. Get more rest, more sleep, go more slowly, do kind things for yourself. Breathe and slow way down. Nothing has to happen very quickly (except the locks).
We're here for you. Most of us have been through our kids stealing from us. We get it. We care. Warm hugs.
I later started finding out the extent of his drug addiction, which often is coupled with stealing.
Your daughter, as you know, has been "gaming" you for at least a year.
Of course you didn't know and you didn't have a reason to suspect her. That is completely understandable.
Now you do know. Go slow here. Maybe it's just a shopping thing gone of control and maybe it's something more. You truly don't have to know everything right now.
Just try to deal with what is in front of you.
I 100 percent agree with everybody who says change the locks. Change them asap. That is a concrete action you can take and one that is necessary I believe.
I did that and the act of doing it was awful and my son pushed back hard on me but I had to do it and I'm thankful I did it. He was stealing from me all the time and coming in here when I wasn't at home to get things. They can be incredibly sneaky and we are always 10 steps behind. Believe me when I say that. You probably don't know the half of it.
Trust has been broken, and it will likely take a long time to rebuild it. She will have to rebuild trust with her actions. Talk is cheap. Don't believe a word right now. Action is all you can go on.
I would let her pay you back, but start the payback very very soon, even if it's $5 a week. If she starts doing this consistently, this will be a very good thing and you can very quickly see positive action.
If she doesn't, then that's another matter.
While this is going on, take better care of yourself. This is very hard stuff, realizing our grown children have serious problems. It calls everything we thought we knew into question. It takes a huge toll on us. Get more rest, more sleep, go more slowly, do kind things for yourself. Breathe and slow way down. Nothing has to happen very quickly (except the locks).
We're here for you. Most of us have been through our kids stealing from us. We get it. We care. Warm hugs.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I was not going to bring it up unless somebody else did, but I also wonder about drugs. We don't always know. Trust me, they can be sneaky. I would suspect drugs if stealing is going on. Spending too much of your own money and stealing from other sources to me have two different meanings. I'd be on guard for possible drug use. Like Child, I had no idea the extent of drugging my daughter did. I believed it was just pot. Sometimes. Hahaha to me.At any rate, like COM said, you can't do anything about what you don't really know. And even if you knew the whole story, she is an adult and you can't get her into treatment of any kind (SHE has to do it) and in my opinion you need to protect yourself from her and change your credit card numbers and bank cards. Unless you can afford to keep losing money, it is best to be cautious. I'd also take the key or change the locks. She doesn't need to be there when you aren't.
JMO.
JMO.
Last edited:
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi DM, welcome to the forum, so sorry for your need to be here. Oh boy. Lots of memories with this one. Hubs and I would miss cash here and there and at first wondered if we were going a bit hoopy. It continued, then it was jewelry. Then a safe was jimmied open. We had our suspicions (our two), but of course "no one did it." No one ever came forward.
It is frustrating and hurtful when our own children steal from us.
Part of me says okay, at least your daughter admitted to it, and the other part says wow, if it was hidden in your house in a secret spot she must have snooped around to find it in the first place. Then to take money from you inherited from your Mom, and to take all of it.
It is an insult to the mind and heart.
I agree there should be a contract. I don't know about pressing charges......it was cash, so what legal proof do you have that it was there in the first place? It is her word against yours. So, I do think there needs to be something in writing from her attesting to taking the money with notarized signatures. Definitely a plan to pay you back. As far as a program, that's a hard one, because she has to know within herself that she has a problem and want to get help for herself.
Trust? That has to be earned. Yes, it is a mistake, but a big mistake.
With that said, I would be quick about drawing up some sort of contract/agreement, to which she admits to stealing the money from your house and will pay it back. The hows can be worked out later. The reason I would be quick about that, is I have seen d cs go from admitting, apologetic, denying, angry and retaliating in the blink of an eye. This is a big trust issue. I think most of the parents here will tell you they have never heard the whole truth of the story until whatever drove the kids to act this way in the first place is recovered from. Whether it be buying, gambling, or drugs, it is addiction, and addicts lie.
I also wonder about the boyfriend, how did he not notice this? Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.
I have to say that even if you change your locks that is not a guarantee. My two would bust out screens to get in the house. They had this terrible sense of entitlement.
I would also think about the habit of having so much cash around the house. That is your business, for sure, but your daughter knows this and it is a huge temptation. Also, no offense, but please be aware that she may not be telling you the whole story, my gut tells me there is more to this.......
It is a tough situation and heartbreaking to find out this stuff and deal with the emotions of it. It is really, really important that you build yourself up and take care of you. I went through so many different emotions and stages when I discovered the full truth of my twos addiction.
So, my dear, feel what you have to feel and get it out. Find help, to guide you through this. Setting Boundaries for Adult Children is a good book to read. Posting here helps, because it is a journal that writes back to you. Most of us here have similar stories and know the heartache of it all.
You are not alone.
I am sorry Devastated for the grief of it.
We will be here for you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Childofmine
one day at a time
One more thought here...In changing the locks---in addition---I also put slide bolts on the doors and I changed the keypads in the garage. I have an alarm and I also changed the alarm code. When I did all of this I forgot to change one keypad on the second garage door...and guess what...in he came. They are the most resourceful people in the whole world when they want to be.
This is well said and 100 percent true. We don't know the half of what they have done and are doing.
Hang in there.
This is well said and 100 percent true. We don't know the half of what they have done and are doing.
Hang in there.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The husband may very well be in on it, whatever "it" is.
Where does Daughter get all this good stuff to sell on E-bay? I have tried to make a living on E-bay and unless you have a supply of good stuff, you can't. Where would she get this supply? How much does s he make on e-bay? Is she maybe shoplifting too? Is husband? I know a someone who k new a someone who stole from work...electronics...never got caught the last I heard.
It just doesn't smell right. I agree that any addiction needs the same treatment, so it doesn't matter what she is addicted to. You still need to protect yourself because she has stolen from you and, having done it once, is at high risk to do it again. And may have done it before without your knowing it. It is sad to think they would do this to us, but they can and, if in debt for a criminal reason, often do. Please be careful. Stealing from us is a dangerous offense regardless of the reason. There is NO excuse for your daughter to take your money for ANY reason. To me, stealing is premeditated...not a mistake. You are her parents. What was she thinking? It is so disrespectful, besides so wrong.
JMO and I'm more on the tough love side of our adult children. Many hugs and hoping for the best for all of you.
Where does Daughter get all this good stuff to sell on E-bay? I have tried to make a living on E-bay and unless you have a supply of good stuff, you can't. Where would she get this supply? How much does s he make on e-bay? Is she maybe shoplifting too? Is husband? I know a someone who k new a someone who stole from work...electronics...never got caught the last I heard.
It just doesn't smell right. I agree that any addiction needs the same treatment, so it doesn't matter what she is addicted to. You still need to protect yourself because she has stolen from you and, having done it once, is at high risk to do it again. And may have done it before without your knowing it. It is sad to think they would do this to us, but they can and, if in debt for a criminal reason, often do. Please be careful. Stealing from us is a dangerous offense regardless of the reason. There is NO excuse for your daughter to take your money for ANY reason. To me, stealing is premeditated...not a mistake. You are her parents. What was she thinking? It is so disrespectful, besides so wrong.
JMO and I'm more on the tough love side of our adult children. Many hugs and hoping for the best for all of you.
TheWalrus
I Am The Walrus
In response to "how should I act toward her," there really is no right answer. My only caution would be not to act as though nothing happened and give her the false idea that all is ok, thereby excusing what she did.
Me? I can't act like everything is ok. I withdraw. I am one of those dogs that has to go under the porch and lick my wounds alone and come out when I am ready. If it were me, I would be honest. "I love you, but you hurt me and betrayed me. It is going to take some time and a lot of effort on your part to make it right." I do that because I don't want my stand-offish attitude to be seen as, "I don't love you anymore." I am just honest with my feelings so that my actions aren't misinterpreted.
Me? I can't act like everything is ok. I withdraw. I am one of those dogs that has to go under the porch and lick my wounds alone and come out when I am ready. If it were me, I would be honest. "I love you, but you hurt me and betrayed me. It is going to take some time and a lot of effort on your part to make it right." I do that because I don't want my stand-offish attitude to be seen as, "I don't love you anymore." I am just honest with my feelings so that my actions aren't misinterpreted.
Devasted Mom
Member
Well agreed and I think we made a lil progress today. She called and made an appointment to b evaluated by a psychiatrist and we are going to meet over the weekend to discuss a written contract on the repayment guidelines. Her and her sister has not spoken since this happen. This one is textin the one who didn't do it and she will not response any insight on that?
Devasted Mom
Member
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
I would go a step further, I would have the boyfriend sit in on the "contract to repay". Not sure if he knows, if he is part of this or not. But he needs to know what your daughter did and where any money she makes needs to go- to you. I would, if it were me, go to a lawyer, have the lawyer draw up the contract and everyone meet at lawyers office. This is a lot of money that was stolen, a felony, grand theft. I think sitting around the kitchen table, in your home, won't have the same impact as it would at the lawyers office. If she doesn't pay it back within x amount of time, you will pursue charges. I suspect she has been stealing the money and buying the stuff for herself and there is no EBAY.
I would ask the boyfriend what all she has of value. Whatever she has like Gucci purses, she needs to sell them and give you the money. No, I take that back, she needs to give you the things and you sell them on ebay and the money goes towards the debt. She shouldn't be allowed to keep all those expensive nice things that were paid for with stolen money from you.
Trust- that will have to be earned back. She earns it back by getting counseling, paying back the money AND she needs to apologize to your other daughter for causing you to think she did it.
Very understandable for you to be mad, hurt right now. I wouldn't be getting over it anytime soon. When I am mad, I am mad and I need time to get through it all. I would say I love you but what you did was so disrespectful to me and the other members of the family and I need time to work through all of my feelings. Leave it at that.
Changing locks is good- and get a safe or keep your money in the bank from here on out.
I would ask the boyfriend what all she has of value. Whatever she has like Gucci purses, she needs to sell them and give you the money. No, I take that back, she needs to give you the things and you sell them on ebay and the money goes towards the debt. She shouldn't be allowed to keep all those expensive nice things that were paid for with stolen money from you.
Trust- that will have to be earned back. She earns it back by getting counseling, paying back the money AND she needs to apologize to your other daughter for causing you to think she did it.
Very understandable for you to be mad, hurt right now. I wouldn't be getting over it anytime soon. When I am mad, I am mad and I need time to get through it all. I would say I love you but what you did was so disrespectful to me and the other members of the family and I need time to work through all of my feelings. Leave it at that.
Changing locks is good- and get a safe or keep your money in the bank from here on out.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi again,
Unfortunately my tablet broke down all together. I am at library right now. I will not be able to check in until the new computer arrives.
I skimmed what others have said. Good. You are getting various perspectives.
I would think about going to an attorney. I would also look at bank accounts, and credit reports. There are other threads on CD where this has happened to parents. One daughter stole 300k from her parents, by stealing their identity. Her husband is a cop! You will find more viewpoints on those other threads. The reason I would go to an attorney is to first, understand the legal ramifications for you and for her, and have it inform how you go about this. Second, I think the agreement will have more teeth if an attorney is involved. An agreement just to repay you, without an statement of culpability and consequences (police) could end up being without much value. In that I mean, value to get your daughter to take this seriously.
Really, would you not say just about anything to get out of the situation she is in? She needs to stay afraid. That is what I think. The other thing is you do not know what else might turn up. And the other thing, is there needs to be somebody who is not you involved, to help you monitor the repayment, and if you do need to file charges, a back up. Of course all of that is my own opinion. I do not know her, you or the real circumstances.
As far as making sense of what she is doing. I would not try. I mean, it is clear she is out of control and/or concealing a great deal. I am sorry I will be out of commission. Keep posting. I will check for you when I am back online.
COPA
Unfortunately my tablet broke down all together. I am at library right now. I will not be able to check in until the new computer arrives.
I skimmed what others have said. Good. You are getting various perspectives.
I would think about going to an attorney. I would also look at bank accounts, and credit reports. There are other threads on CD where this has happened to parents. One daughter stole 300k from her parents, by stealing their identity. Her husband is a cop! You will find more viewpoints on those other threads. The reason I would go to an attorney is to first, understand the legal ramifications for you and for her, and have it inform how you go about this. Second, I think the agreement will have more teeth if an attorney is involved. An agreement just to repay you, without an statement of culpability and consequences (police) could end up being without much value. In that I mean, value to get your daughter to take this seriously.
Really, would you not say just about anything to get out of the situation she is in? She needs to stay afraid. That is what I think. The other thing is you do not know what else might turn up. And the other thing, is there needs to be somebody who is not you involved, to help you monitor the repayment, and if you do need to file charges, a back up. Of course all of that is my own opinion. I do not know her, you or the real circumstances.
As far as making sense of what she is doing. I would not try. I mean, it is clear she is out of control and/or concealing a great deal. I am sorry I will be out of commission. Keep posting. I will check for you when I am back online.
COPA
Devasted Mom
Member
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Wow. I think copas response is perfect. Like ion butterflys too. This is probably better off in legal hands. And I think she should be darn scared and bet husband is in on it. May even be the master mind.
Good luck
Good luck
Devasted Mom
Member
I will think about it however really do not want to get cops involved I also wanted some insight on my other daughter not talking to her. Do I get involved ? Or let them figure out? Sorry about your computer, hurry back
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I dont blame your other daughters anger and your daughter who stole will have to be the one to get back her sisters respect. in my opinion its between them and you dont need to get involved.
Devasted Mom
Member
No I don't think her boyfriend is involved. He owns a very successful business and is a hard worker and he has plenty of money. O reason to b involved. He has plenty of his of his own money I guess I couldn't put anything pass anyone
Hi Devastated Mom,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone. My son stole from me and husband many, many times.
It's such a deep, painful betrayal.
You have received some great advice from the others that have shared.
She didn't just slip a $20 out of your purse, she committed grand larceny which is a felony. This is punishable by prison time.
Someone else suggested also that she should confess what she did in writing and have her sign it.
I'm glad you found us here. You will find wonderful support and advice from us warrior parents who have survived dealing with our adult difficult children.
Keep posting and let us know things are going.
((HUGS)) to you................
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone. My son stole from me and husband many, many times.
It's such a deep, painful betrayal.
You have received some great advice from the others that have shared.
There is no easy answer here. Your daughter's actions have damaged if not destroyed your trust in her. If it were me the first thing I would do is change the locks on the house. I would tell her you are changing the locks because you cannot trust her. I don't know that I would allow her to come over for a long time. When my son would come to our home I was always a nervous wreck. If he went to the bathroom I would have my husband go down the hall and make sure he wasn't sneaking into our bedroom. The theft is something that can be forgiven but never forgotten. I would make it clear to her that it will take a long time to earn your trust back. Don't let her just tell you how sorry she is. The old saying "actions speak louder than words" holds true here. It will only be by her actions that she will be able to earn your trust back.
She didn't just slip a $20 out of your purse, she committed grand larceny which is a felony. This is punishable by prison time.
I completely agree with Copa. @Ironbutterfly also had a great suggestion about having a lawyer draw up the agreement.
Someone else suggested also that she should confess what she did in writing and have her sign it.
I'm glad you found us here. You will find wonderful support and advice from us warrior parents who have survived dealing with our adult difficult children.
Keep posting and let us know things are going.
((HUGS)) to you................
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I would let your daughters work it out themselves. They are both adults, are they not? Sister has a right to be upset, not only did her money go missing but she was suspected for the theft as her sister remained silent.
I think the advice was to have an attorney assist in the agreement to pay back the money, not involve police.
It is your decision no matter what. The response you receive here is opinions of caring folks who have been through similar circumstances. The ultimate decision is up to you and your husband.
I would not worry so much about your daughters relationship with her sister as much as how to move forward with recompense made for the theft.
I think your daughters actions from here on out to make restitution to you and your family will bear much on her sisters willingness to have a relationship.
As parents, we can learn from these kids who will create healthy boundaries and draw the line in the sand, we are hesitant to.
It was my 14 year old son who pointed out to me "Mom, why do we have anyone living with us who steals, we have to lock our stuff up from them?"
He was referring to his sisters. He was correct.
Both he and his two sisters have minimal, if any contact with my two d cs, feeling they need to show by their actions they have changed. They do not trust them, and are distressed at their choices. I don't try to sway them in any way.
Time heals all wounds. If your daughters were close, they may be able to be close again.
I think that these kids have a moral code when it comes to family. If their siblings cross the line, they are rightfully upset.
I was able to learn much from my son about drawing the line. What he said, really made me think about stuff I had put up with. He was right.
I am sorry for the strain of this. Keep posting, it is good to get others perspective and opinions.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
I think the advice was to have an attorney assist in the agreement to pay back the money, not involve police.
It is your decision no matter what. The response you receive here is opinions of caring folks who have been through similar circumstances. The ultimate decision is up to you and your husband.
I would not worry so much about your daughters relationship with her sister as much as how to move forward with recompense made for the theft.
I think your daughters actions from here on out to make restitution to you and your family will bear much on her sisters willingness to have a relationship.
As parents, we can learn from these kids who will create healthy boundaries and draw the line in the sand, we are hesitant to.
It was my 14 year old son who pointed out to me "Mom, why do we have anyone living with us who steals, we have to lock our stuff up from them?"
He was referring to his sisters. He was correct.
Both he and his two sisters have minimal, if any contact with my two d cs, feeling they need to show by their actions they have changed. They do not trust them, and are distressed at their choices. I don't try to sway them in any way.
Time heals all wounds. If your daughters were close, they may be able to be close again.
I think that these kids have a moral code when it comes to family. If their siblings cross the line, they are rightfully upset.
I was able to learn much from my son about drawing the line. What he said, really made me think about stuff I had put up with. He was right.
I am sorry for the strain of this. Keep posting, it is good to get others perspective and opinions.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
Devasted Mom
Member
Devasted Mom
Member
Yes they are adults and u r right they must work it out themselves. Every aspect of this situation has me heartbroken. This weekend we are going to discuss the contract and terms of repayment . She also has a appointment on Wednesday for a mental evaluation . I am so glad I found all you guys. I am able to catch my breath a little
