Daughter and daughter in law both being horrible to m

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Didi, Aug 17, 2015.

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Any suggestions please?

  1. do I let them get on with it

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  2. Do I put up wih their bad behaviour?

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  1. Didi

    Didi New Member

    Well what can I say what a horrible weekend it has been. It started with my son turning up on Friday saying that our side of the family were all cancelled from going to my granddaughters 5th birthday on Sunday. The year before none of us were invited, we were told no adults were going or older children which on inspection of facebook pictures told another story. We are not a bunch of hillbillies, we know which knife and fork to use so I can't see what the problem is.

    Last year I made a princess cake and this year it was two cakes. Anyway the party went ahead without any of us even the two older grandchildren (our side), I can take it on the nose but I feel my daughter in law looks for a excuse so we can be uninvited and it's not fair to the grandchildren left out. The excuse this time was she was was'nt catering for adults, even though she sent the invites. I would have been quite happy with a glass of water and watching the fun. It was a princess themed party with adult princess's arriving and putting on a show, anyway who wants to eat children's party food!

    So cakes where collected, my son and daughter in law went off and I was told I could pop round later for pizza to see the kids if I wanted to. Well it did'nt happen as I don't drive and they don't live near a bus stop or train station, I felt like it was just a after thought!

    To top it all whilst making the cakes with my sister, I had my daughter arrive with my two grandkids and her friend. By the end of the evening there was eight of us, quite fun and boisterous, a few glasses of wine but not enough to be drunk. Near the end of the night my daughter decides to put me down about my messy house, yes I,m in the middle of baking and you've all eaten and dumped the plates and numorous glasses in the sink and the suggestion you could wash up was ignored. Then she starts on my upbringing of my son who was diagnosed with M.E at 10 and is now 15, she tried to imply I was a untidy slob lol. I work 3 part times jobs, care for my son and run a small business as well as everything else.

    She then said "she was'nt going to stay in my house for long if her daughter was going to have a asthma attack because of my 2 cats whilst I have a break away" I felt like she was spoiling for a row. My first break away on my own in about 10 years. It did,nt seem a problem when I had them for a week recently when she went on holiday, I said you just have to do what I do, brush the furniture everyday and Hoover plus give her a antihistamine. My son and I have asthma but don't have attacks.

    I really felt down today, actually ended up crying over the kitchen a sink. I am not the mother or mother in law from hell! I don't interfere, babysit my kids, make them outfits and bake cakes. I really don't know what to do, if I cut them off for their bad behaviour I dont get to see my grandkids who I love dearly. Sorry for the rant, need to say it to someone lol

    Anyone got any suggestions?

    Thanks Dee
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, but I will be blunt. You are being disrespected and abused by both kids. And I am angry for you.

    If I am understanding, your daughter in law used you to make the birthday cake(s) and then dis-invited you from the party. They know full well you do not drive and could not get there. What they did was extremely cold and cruel. If they do not want you around, at least they can buy their own cakes.

    You deserve respect. Nobody will give it to you if you do not insist it is your right. Bottom line.

    I understand you want a relationship with your grandchildren.

    Do you think it is good for them to see you degraded?
    And as for your daughter, she was in your house. She did not have to come. You are entitled to keep your house any way you want to. It is yours.
    You do not have to justify yourself to anybody. Not one bit.
    This is cruel, too. She did not have to tell you in this way. She could have offered to come over and help you. She could have said, "Mom, you have so much on your plate. Let me come over on Saturday and we can vacuum and dust. XX is sensitive to the cat hair.
    You need to think about your priorities, here. Your grandchildren see how their parents treat you. If they are too young now, they will soon see. Nor is it good for your children to disrespect their mother. But most importantly, you. Your welfare. Your feelings about yourself.

    You deserve to be valued by YOU. You deserve to be protected by YOU. Nobody else will take care of YOU. Except YOU.

    I care about you. I want you to receive the treatment in this life you deserve. I CARE. Take care of yourself.

    Am I getting my point across??????
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is hard to advise. I can only tell ypu that I would rather not know my grands than have to put up with that sort of abuse to see them. In the case of five year old you didnt see her anyway.

    Both of these women acted with mean intent. Is this how they normally treat you? If so id be tempted to put distance between us. Im a grandmother which is not the same as a mother. How much I can see my grands and how close I can get to them is 100 percent up to the parents.
    I would not give up my dignity t o cstch snippets of the grands, at their whim, seeing their mothers abuse me. Its a hard decision but if the parents want to treat you like dirt, your quality of relationship with the grands wont be good anyway.
    Do not give up beloved pets for anyone. Daughter was thinking of reasons to beat you up.
    Have you considered getting your license so you can live a fuller, more independent life? You matter and nobody deserves that sort of ugly abuse. You cant change these people but you csn change how you choose to interact with them.
    If you ever give them money, id end that today. They both dont sound like very nice people. I am sorry for your hurting heart.
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Dee, and welcome to the Parent Emeritus forum.

    First, I am so sorry for your hurt, and for the fact that you were excluded. It sounds like you ended up with a party of your own with the other two grandkids---which is great! Make lemonade from those lemons, right?---and then that also turned sour.

    Beyond the recent experiences, how is your relationship with your grown children? Is it usually better or is this par for the course? When you get a chance, tell us more so we can have a fuller picture.

    I don't know about you, but this millennial generation can be really tough to take. Both of my boys are 29 and 26, and I have a soon-to-be daughter-in-law, and they just do things very very differently and see the world very very differently from how I see it. Maybe that's the way it's always been with one generation and another but it's all new to us!

    I don't think you need to cut them off. I think, like many parents, we all have to learn how to be more effective with our adult kids.

    I am learning to take my grown kids with a grain (three or four grains) of salt, and to set boundaries. In so many relationships, it is boundaries that are lacking.

    Have you had a chance to do any reading about boundaries? A great first book is actually titled Boundaries and it's by two doctors: Cloud and Townsend. It has a Christian perspective, which some like and some don't, but it's a very clear, easy read and it has taught me a lot about what boundaries are, how to set them, what will happen when we do (people get mad) and how to navigate the aftermath.

    Basically, setting boundaries means we are deciding where we start and stop and where another person---in this case our grown children---start and stop. We are recognizing that we have rights, and that they have rights, to make decisions about our own lives.

    We realize we are separate people and we can decide what we will and will not do, and what we will and will not tolerate. This isn't a "mean" thing. This is healthy adult behavior.

    We can go slow in setting boundaries. You don't have to cut anybody off. You don't have to make any big announcements or make a big emotional deal of it. You can just decide (and you can also change your mind) what you will and won't do...the next time something comes up with your grown children.

    Maybe you'll say: I'm sorry, but I can't make the cakes this year. I'd still love to come if that works out for everybody.

    And then you wait, and you see what happens, and you accept what happens---because they will set a boundary too.

    It may not be fair or right, and even punitive---the boundaries they are setting, like the birthday party---but your response can be calm and measured.

    You can hope for the best, and expect something less and be prepared for it. After all, they are adults and entitled to decide about the guest list (even if they bobbled it very badly and rudely) and your job is to accept that decision.

    I am finding that when I set clear and kind boundaries---again this isn't a mean thing---and I am calm and measured in how I talk about them, I can go on with my life, having said it and having worked through my emotions about whatever they say back, and then...in time...let it go.

    I just recently went through a pretty rough time with my older son's wedding planning. I posted about it on this site.

    I cried and cried and was very upset by many of their decisions. I got way off track with my own response. I was into their business about their wedding, way too much. After I realized that, I asked that the three of us---my son, his fiancee and I---meet for dinner to have a conversation about what had been going on. I decided to listen first, before I talked. I decided to immediately apologize when it was my turn to talk, and also to state clearly---but kindly---what I did not like about how we interacted. What I hoped we could do next time, and how much I want their wedding to be exactly as they imagine it---not how I imagine it---and how much I wish the very best for them in their wedding and their lives.

    Had they hurt me? Yes. Had they hurt other people by their lack of planning and inability to make decisions? Yes. Was I embarrassed to call people and uninvite them to their wedding? Yes.

    The whole thing was not handled well at all by them. But okay, so it is what it is. We all process that, we get past it, and then we learn to accept what they have decided.

    We do that to preserve the relationship, which to me is the most important thing.

    Since we had that dinner---a couple of months ago---I have been able to let go of my hurt and disappointment and anger about all of this. I have been able to listen to their plans and be glad. I've seen them come around and soften in many of their positions.

    I think one reason is because I'm not pushing on them to do things my way. They are coming to me, because when they do, I am responding kindly and calmly.

    We are all learning here together on this board how to navigate difficult adult relationships---and some of the trickiest are with our own adult children.

    We're here for you. We're glad you are here. Please share with us when you can. Warm hugs today.
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I Didi,

    I am so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing.

    You sound like such a loving caring person. I can only imagine how hurtful it must have been to be un-invited especially after you went to the trouble to make the birthday cake. I am curious if you offered to make the cake or did your son and d-inlaw request it?
    If it were me, the next time an occasion comes up and a cake is needed I would not volunteer my services. If asked, I would ask them if you are invited to come to the party or do they just want to use you to make the cake?
    In the meantime, you might want to consider having a chat with your son about why you are being excluded. If you are not comfortable talking to him face to face perhaps you can write him a letter expressing how you feel.

    As for your daughter, she was quite rude to you. I'm sorry you had to endure that. Sometimes when people have had even a little bit to drink their behavior can become unpleasant.
    As with your son, if it were me I would talk to your daughter about how she treated you. Did you invite your daughter or did she just show up? It's sad that she behaved this way in front of your grandchildren and her friend. I find it odd that she would come over if she is so concerned about her daughters asthma. You might want to ask her why she came over at all considering her concerns.

    ((HUGS)) to you....................
     
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