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Daughter Homeless Again...I Cant Help Her...Feeling Guilty.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674057" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi mommaRN,</p><p>So sorry for all of your troubles, that have brought you here, it is a good place for folks like us.A place to vent and get opinions from others on similar journeys.</p><p></p><p>You have been going through this with your girl for quite some time. It is the same for me. My two have been troubled since teen years. I think that when this happens, we develop patterns of rescuing. We get used to stepping in and trying to fix things. The difference is,<em> now they are adults.</em> They have to learn to take responsibility for their actions, and for that to happen, we have to<em> step back</em>. It feels weird and counter intuitive, but it is true. Especially when this kind of behavior is exhibited.</p><p></p><p>We are not rugs to be tread upon.</p><p></p><p>Do you know why your daughter was acting out the way she did as a teen? </p><p></p><p>For both of my girls, it was drugs. </p><p></p><p>My other two went through the typical teen angst.</p><p></p><p>My d c's, were another story. Lots of work.</p><p></p><p>This continued on to adulthood.</p><p></p><p>It is not our duty or obligation to help an adult child. Especially ones who are capable of working and being productive.</p><p></p><p>Forgive my being forward, it sounds as if drugs may be an issue for your daughter. The erratic behavior, and stealing from family, is typical.</p><p></p><p>Nevertheless, it is actually the best thing for our adult d c's, to let them deal with the consequences of their actions. If we constantly rescue them, they do not learn. </p><p></p><p>The saying goes, " If nothing changes, nothing changes."</p><p> Your daughter seems to think it is okay to take advantage of her family's kindnesses. This is not okay.</p><p></p><p>You have done your job parenting her. She is an adult now, and is making decisions that make her life harder, she needs to learn how to make better choices, the only way this happens for all of us, is if we have to take the end result of our choices. </p><p></p><p>That may mean being homeless. But this is what happens, when one does not appreciate others graciousness, or work to pay for ones lifestyle. We will not be around forever to look after our d c's. They have to learn to take care of themselves. Homelessness can be a consequence of choice.</p><p></p><p>It is similar, our story, except my girls sisters did not take her in, they knew what would happen.</p><p> </p><p>My eldest is homeless. Has been for awhile. We have let her come home a few times, only to have the same things happen. Missing jewelry, money, clothes, toiletries. She would bring her street friends over and party while we were working. Or she would sleep much of the day, claiming to be sick, then up and out all night. This gets old and tiresome to be taken advantage of by an adult capable of working. By taking our daughter in, we were funding her lifestyle. It was not right. She did not care.</p><p></p><p>It does not matter what people think about <em>your decision </em>with your adult daughter. You are making the right choice for you and her. </p><p>By<em> not helping</em> her, you <em>are helping her. </em></p><p></p><p>There is a good article on detachment in this forum. I read it often.</p><p></p><p>MommaRN, you have been through a lot with your daughter, she has not treated you decently and respectfully. You deserve respect and peace in your home. </p><p></p><p>Our d c's can be very manipulative and know how to pull at our heart strings and press our guilt buttons. Do not fall for it. </p><p></p><p>Try to step back, examine your daughters actions without your " mom eyes" and see it for what it is. You would not put up with this kind of treatment or action from a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes we have to look at it from a distance.</p><p></p><p>We cannot control our adult d c's, we can only control our responses.</p><p></p><p>I have learned the hard way with my two, they do not grow or change in my home. I want things to be better for them, but they have to want that for themselves.</p><p></p><p>I wish you peace of mind and heart. You are not alone. Keep posting, it helps to hear from others on the same journey.</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674057, member: 19522"] Hi mommaRN, So sorry for all of your troubles, that have brought you here, it is a good place for folks like us.A place to vent and get opinions from others on similar journeys. You have been going through this with your girl for quite some time. It is the same for me. My two have been troubled since teen years. I think that when this happens, we develop patterns of rescuing. We get used to stepping in and trying to fix things. The difference is,[I] now they are adults.[/I] They have to learn to take responsibility for their actions, and for that to happen, we have to[I] step back[/I]. It feels weird and counter intuitive, but it is true. Especially when this kind of behavior is exhibited. We are not rugs to be tread upon. Do you know why your daughter was acting out the way she did as a teen? For both of my girls, it was drugs. My other two went through the typical teen angst. My d c's, were another story. Lots of work. This continued on to adulthood. It is not our duty or obligation to help an adult child. Especially ones who are capable of working and being productive. Forgive my being forward, it sounds as if drugs may be an issue for your daughter. The erratic behavior, and stealing from family, is typical. Nevertheless, it is actually the best thing for our adult d c's, to let them deal with the consequences of their actions. If we constantly rescue them, they do not learn. The saying goes, " If nothing changes, nothing changes." Your daughter seems to think it is okay to take advantage of her family's kindnesses. This is not okay. You have done your job parenting her. She is an adult now, and is making decisions that make her life harder, she needs to learn how to make better choices, the only way this happens for all of us, is if we have to take the end result of our choices. That may mean being homeless. But this is what happens, when one does not appreciate others graciousness, or work to pay for ones lifestyle. We will not be around forever to look after our d c's. They have to learn to take care of themselves. Homelessness can be a consequence of choice. It is similar, our story, except my girls sisters did not take her in, they knew what would happen. My eldest is homeless. Has been for awhile. We have let her come home a few times, only to have the same things happen. Missing jewelry, money, clothes, toiletries. She would bring her street friends over and party while we were working. Or she would sleep much of the day, claiming to be sick, then up and out all night. This gets old and tiresome to be taken advantage of by an adult capable of working. By taking our daughter in, we were funding her lifestyle. It was not right. She did not care. It does not matter what people think about [I]your decision [/I]with your adult daughter. You are making the right choice for you and her. By[I] not helping[/I] her, you [I]are helping her. [/I] There is a good article on detachment in this forum. I read it often. MommaRN, you have been through a lot with your daughter, she has not treated you decently and respectfully. You deserve respect and peace in your home. Our d c's can be very manipulative and know how to pull at our heart strings and press our guilt buttons. Do not fall for it. Try to step back, examine your daughters actions without your " mom eyes" and see it for what it is. You would not put up with this kind of treatment or action from a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes we have to look at it from a distance. We cannot control our adult d c's, we can only control our responses. I have learned the hard way with my two, they do not grow or change in my home. I want things to be better for them, but they have to want that for themselves. I wish you peace of mind and heart. You are not alone. Keep posting, it helps to hear from others on the same journey. (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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