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Daughter not speaking to me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 702234" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>With borderline, sadly they are NOT at all interested or touched by our heartfelt emotions. They are most apt to use them against us. They care that you didn't do what they wanted and that's it. My reading about this disorder makes me believe everyone actually does better when we engage very little and don't expose our raw emotions to them. They do not feel your feelings...they lack that ability. It is so hard on loved ones who keep trying to explain and to elicit normal emotions from our personality disordered relative. But sadly often the more we try to pour out our heart, the more hardened they become. They see it as a weakness and it makes them feel powerful over us. To oppose them or scold them just causes rage and they wont say you are right. More cause for revenge...there is no sane way to interact. They may suddenly be warm for a few weeks or months then implode the first time you oppose anything they say or ask for. It's lose/lose. If they don't admit being sick and try very hard in intensive therapy, the pattern doesn't change.</p><p></p><p>You have control only over yourself. You can decide to interact in a different way and much less...or the hurts will continue.</p><p></p><p>If I were you I would stop contact so she doesn't feel she is hurting you, which is the point of withholding the grandchildren. in my opinion it works better to let the latest drama (in her mind) wear off and see if she suddenly has a hot date and forgets about withholding her kids and asks for you to babysit.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion from reading it is best not to empower borderlines with your feelings. They aren't interested. You just get blamed anyway. You will never come to any lasting understanding with a borderline. They can't maintain stable emotions and when they go off they go off in every way. In a big, drama queen, hateful tornado sort of way.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry daughter is punishing you by withholding the kids. It is powerful and she knows it. Do read "Walking on Eggshells."</p><p></p><p>Hugs for all your pain. Do try to go on with your life. Your daughter will drive you crazy if you allow it. Be good to yourself. Detach.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 702234, member: 1550"] With borderline, sadly they are NOT at all interested or touched by our heartfelt emotions. They are most apt to use them against us. They care that you didn't do what they wanted and that's it. My reading about this disorder makes me believe everyone actually does better when we engage very little and don't expose our raw emotions to them. They do not feel your feelings...they lack that ability. It is so hard on loved ones who keep trying to explain and to elicit normal emotions from our personality disordered relative. But sadly often the more we try to pour out our heart, the more hardened they become. They see it as a weakness and it makes them feel powerful over us. To oppose them or scold them just causes rage and they wont say you are right. More cause for revenge...there is no sane way to interact. They may suddenly be warm for a few weeks or months then implode the first time you oppose anything they say or ask for. It's lose/lose. If they don't admit being sick and try very hard in intensive therapy, the pattern doesn't change. You have control only over yourself. You can decide to interact in a different way and much less...or the hurts will continue. If I were you I would stop contact so she doesn't feel she is hurting you, which is the point of withholding the grandchildren. in my opinion it works better to let the latest drama (in her mind) wear off and see if she suddenly has a hot date and forgets about withholding her kids and asks for you to babysit. in my opinion from reading it is best not to empower borderlines with your feelings. They aren't interested. You just get blamed anyway. You will never come to any lasting understanding with a borderline. They can't maintain stable emotions and when they go off they go off in every way. In a big, drama queen, hateful tornado sort of way. I am sorry daughter is punishing you by withholding the kids. It is powerful and she knows it. Do read "Walking on Eggshells." Hugs for all your pain. Do try to go on with your life. Your daughter will drive you crazy if you allow it. Be good to yourself. Detach. [/QUOTE]
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