Daughter threw uncharactoristic fit when she heard we're moving to trailer park

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Mar 16, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't even recognize her. She was all difficult child. She screamed and cried and said she won't go and she's living with her friends. She would rather live in a dumpster. She is NOT going to be called trailer trash. She would rather live in a dumpy old house than a nice trailer and SHE WON"T GO WITH US AND WE CAN'T MAKE HER. She was totally freaking out. She doesn't want to lose her friends and everyone will laugh at her if she lives in a trailer park (I'm not sure she's exaggerating.).
    After her fit, I started crying and then she acted all sorry, but it was too late. I was ready to admit myself to a psychiatric hospital myself. It was ugly and horrible with everyone screaming.
    Hub is driving her to the park right now to show her the nice houses, but, in my heart, I will remember what she said and be afraid that this move will ruin her life. My ex-drug abuser daughter moved in 8th grade, and that's when she started using drugs. A big difference is that daughter doesn't have to change schools. But I still have a bad feeling about it.
    But what else are we supposed to do? If we rent, we have to put our dogs to sleep and she doesn't want to do that either! I'm so worn out. I just want to run away and never come back. This is so horrible.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    This is your 12 yr old right? I can see why you would be upset, it sounds like it was ugly. However, as we all know, reality hoovers. Moving and keeping the animals is better than moving and puting them down. This is a parental decision. in my humble opinion, you are doing the right thing. Hugs, and try not to take her too personally. If she is as emotional as my 12 yr old easy child, then you have my deepest sympathy. Hugs, and I hope things get better.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It may be a little too late for this now....but I think something as huge as a decision about moving really should have been a "family meeting" type of decision. We went through a similar thing ourselves...having to decide about moving--how, where, when etc etc etc.

    It was stressful and really hard....but we all talked about it thoroughly and all came to an agreement. We, too, had a dog we didn't want to lose. We, too, were worried about losing friends and not fitting in and all the stuff that goes along with the change to a new place.

    It helped immensely to know that the whole family was working together to make the best of a tough situation. We were really proud of the way our kids handled everything.

    If you give your children the opportunity to be a part of the decision-making....they might surprise you. After all--would your daughter really choose to kill the dogs over living in a trailer? Come on...

  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry.
    I can see why she would be upset by moving, but she will figure out that this is all OK. There is such a stigma attached to "a trailer home" which is really insane. Some of them are definitely nicer than many of the houses I have seen. None the less the media portrays it in a different light.

    She will not start using, or do what your other kiddo did. She is just stressed and upset, like any of us would be if we had to suddenly move. Give her some time, she will be OK.

    Many, many hugs to you and her. So sorry you are going through this.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Involve her in the family decisions. Ask her to help find a solution. Give her the information. If she thinks she is old enough to tell you where you can move to and where you can't, then she is old enough to have some ownership into the decision so she can understand why, and feel she's also had a chance to try to find an alternative.

    You'll probably still end up in the trailerpark, but she will have had some responsibility in the deicion too.

    I can understand her getting upset - she's already the 'different' kid, she is terrified of being labelled trailer trash as well. Life just isn't fair sometimes.

    However - this IS NOT about her, it's about the family, and what the family has to do in order to survive as a unit. Of course you don't want to put the dogs down. Is her social standing so important, that she would even consider putting that ahead of the dogs' lives? Of course not. But she does need to know that you are looking at all options. She needs to know what the options are and how reasonable (or not) they may be. Let her know how much a house will cost (including how much per month to pay off) compared to how much in the trailer park. Ask her for ideas, let her put tem on the table and discuss them politely and calmly with her. Use this as a teaching tool - life has handed you an opportunity for her to learn how to manage her housing/financial affairs, via you. And she has already put on the tabel, the option of living with someone else, so explore that option too. You would have to pay board for her, probably have to pay maintenance for her as well, which could end up costing you more than you could afford on top of trailer rent. And why pay extra (as in the maintenance etc) if you have room for her in the trailer? If she really wants you to do this, ask her how she would be willing to contribute, to make up the difference between your option and hers. Then discuss the things she would miss - the dogs, you, a lot of her stuff. Then discuss - who could she move in with? WHo does she know well enough, who likes her well enough, who has the room, to be prepared to take her on board? And would this reduce any perceived stigma, if she chose to live with someone else rather than with her family who just happen to have moved to a trailer park?

    By letting her feel entitled to throw a tantrum, you risk making a rod for your own back later on as she gets older and still has this sense of entitlement. She needs to learn, fast, that in this world bad things happen to good people and NOBODY has a RIGHT to housing, food, water. It is something you have to pay for in some way at some level. Our governments want to keep us healthy and alive, they will try to help as much as they can, but it all comes at a cost. We may think we are secure, that at some level there will always be someone to take care of us, but the world doesn't always work this way.

    We can deal with this by getting angry, stamping our feet and saying, "I'm supposed to have this! Give it to me! Don't be mean, don't take it away!" Or we can get practical and say, "What do we have left? What can we do, to put it to best use?"

    She's a child, so she's reacting as achild. Now is a good opportunity for her to learn a bit more about the decisions adults sometimes have to take.

    And often, by being part of the decision even in a minor way, it can reduce her stress levels and feelings of helplessness over what is being imposed on her.

  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    To piggyback on Marg, if the park is the best answer, she'll also be able to educate her friends on why.

    Hugs. I know it hurts. Our house is ancient and even wee difficult child says he'd like a new "not so junky" house. sigh...
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's NOT a trailer park. It's a manufactured home community! Positioning (a.k.a. SPIN) is EVERYTHING. Take it from someone who worked in marketing and public relations for several years... ;)

    by the way, my mother in law's double-wide is bigger than the house I grew up in!
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This was not a family decision. We are being forced out of our house. We wanted to move to another house in our area, but our credit isn't good enough. This was actually family desperation.
    I'm looking at the psychiatric hospitals in my area. I may need to admit myself. I am not doing we ll at all. I haven't been in a hospital in twenty years, but this moving thing is doing it.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. I hope you take care of yourself. If you need the hospital to take care of your mental state, then go to the hospital. No matter what happens, your family will still love you. We will still love you.

    Sending many hugs,
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member


    Please go to the hospital and get help. Your family needs you and needs you thinking as clearly as possible.
  11. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Yeah, if you need stabilization, MWM, I think you should go, too. They need you mentally healthy.

    I don't really have advice here. I like Marg's post, and the things she said. This is true, it's NOT all about N. It's about the entire family. She's still going to be in the same school. She is still going to have the same friends. They are going to call her trailer trash? Then, in the end, they are not her friends - and WHY would she want to be friends that would judge her based on where you live?

    I know, doesn't help.

    Maybe you could even let her throw a party or two once you're in. The "trailer trash" tease is a very ignorant one. I have seen some incredible doublewides that I sure wouldn't mind living in! Once her friends see where she lives, they may sing a different tune, also.

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. It's early the next day. I don't think I'll need the hospital. I talked to my daughter. Hub, N. and I are going to see my therapist together. I asked N. if her friends would still be her friends and she nodded yes, but I can tell that she is still very upset. So am I. This is hub and my fault. It's our credit that didn't make the cut. We could afford the house and get the loan if our credit score was 20 points higher. While we are in the doublewide, we are going to work on our score. But that doesn't help a 12 year old kid who is horrified that she will be looked down on. Sadly, yes, people still do look down at those in trailer parks, although it's a nice park. They screen all applicants for drug offenses and child offenses and you can't move in (they won't sell to you) if you have ever had a drug charge or a child abuse charge. Everyone seemed really nice when I was looking.
    The biggest problem with the homes are small yards and no down or upstairs, but some are spacious. Ugh. I hate this.
  13. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I think Marg gave you excellent advice. Also, if your mental health is at jeopardy, get help ASAP!!! You're very wise to realize that you might need help to get through this very rough period in your life. Please make sure you get the care you need, for yourself, for your family.

    I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers... WFEN
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just a quick aside on living in a caravan - we did that one winter, just as I was also starting at a new school. And it wasn't anything as glamorous as some of the really nice cabins in a trailer park. No, this was a 5 berth caravan (two of those berths were the kitchen table during the day) parked beside my eldest sister's house. Living in the van were my parents (they scored the double bed in the nose of the van) my younger sister (who got the kitchen table/double bed) and me. I can't remember much about my bed except that it was a narrow single stashed somewhere in the side of the van. Every morning at 5 am the alarm clock would go off, to get my sister out of bed. There would be various crashes and bangs as she turned her bed back into a kitchen table, more squelchy sounds as she pumped some water into the kitchen sink, various rocks and rollings as she walked the length of the van to get her clothes and get dressed. We used the bathroom in my sister's house and had all our possessions in a tent annexe outside that was not secured.

    I do not recommend it, but we did it while our house was being built. It was really cold through winter and it was difficult doing my homework in the caravan when my sister wanted to turn the kitchen table back into a bed, because she had to be up early to catch the 6 am train to go into the heart of Sydney to get to work.

    It was difficult, but there was no stigma. Everyone knew how we lived because the school bus went right past the gate, the caravan was there for everyone to see. There were things about living like that which I hated, especially being cramped and always getting woken up by my sister every morning, yet being yelled at for having my eyes open while she was getting dressed!

    If your caravan is going to be bigger than this - I am very happy for you all. From what you say, once she gets over the "trailer park" thing, she should be very happy. Because by crikey, it could be a lot worse! AND you're going into summer, and a caravan park is a really fun place to be during summer. Lots of people on holidays moving through, plenty of company, always having interesting people to spend time with. It will be like going on holidays without having to leave home!

    Good luck helping her come to terms with this. Hopefully she'll get over herself soon.

    Meanwhile, look after you.

    Last edited: Mar 17, 2009
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well as a person living in a mobile home, ~and by the way, they didnt make a 14x70 in 1970...lol~ you really shouldnt feel this badly. I grew up in upper middle class homes but then I became an adult and found out life wasnt quite that easy. Renting was lining some other dudes pockets so when we got the chance to buy even the oldest and ugliest mobile homes we jumped at the chance. The first one we bought was a 1971 12x60 2 bedroom singlewide on a private lot in North Myrtle Beach. It only cost 5K but it was all ours. It was a dump...it had been through a fire and we had to replace the ceilings and the floors. It also had no furnace so we used kerosene and a window unit for air.

    Next I thought I was in heaven and bought a great 14x76 singlewide in 96. It was a 91. We put it on the land where we are now which is heir property from Tony's mom.

    Now we are in a doublewide I bought when I had to take care of my mom.

    The underlying theme is that I was thrilled to be able to get those homes. I knew I couldnt get anything else. It wasnt that I couldnt get a house. I probably could have gotten a mortgage when I bought the last doublewide because I had 40K to spend. I am pretty sure someone would have given me a mortgage on a house with that to put down. I may have even been able to find a small house in my area but we wanted to stay on our land. I definetly didnt want any mortgage. I am thrilled not to have any payments in this economy.

    I dont think we are trailer trash. Perhaps I am in denial.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    MWM, I don't know your daughter, so take this with a grain of salt.
    My big boys, particularly difficult child 1, were fairly popular in school. They weren't the top of the food chain, but they were up there. We live in an affluent town - the cheapest of ancient run-down homes will still fetch $80k here in a heartbeat. We live in an ancient farmhouse outside of town - it was "built" by butting two one-room 1800's cabin-homes together (in 1900), and adding onto it as money and time allowed. And that's what it looks like. Every year, we have to crawl under it and put more blocks under the floor joists to firm up "soft spots" created by the house continuing to settle, and just plain old age. When we moved in 11 years ago, it had yellow, rust, and brown shag carpet (we've since pulled out all the carpet and have hard wood floors now). There are water stains on the ceilining blocks in some places, and every wall in the house is paneled. There are several barns and such outside.
    Its a decent home, but not for someone who judges you for your habitat. We all like living there because of the land, so we just kinda tolerate the house and its quirks (can't run too many appliances at once...)
    The boys handled it with humor. I let them have a party when we moved in and they decided to theme their party the "trash bash" and encouraged their friends to show up in stereotypical attire. Lots of mumu's and curlers and "wife beaters" with boxers, tube socks, and house shoes. lol We made a mud hole for wrestling or mud-bogging, it was the best time. And after that, even though our house was not nearly as nice as most of their friends' homes, ours became one of the preferred hang-outs.
    It would take the right personality to do this, but its just a thought. Had they handled it differently, the outcome certainly could have been a lot different than it was.
  17. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    You are moving under unpleasant circumstances....but it is still a family decision as to how to handle it. And there are a TON of families across the country right now that are going through exactly the same thing...
    And too many of them are in denial about being forced out of their home--and literally wait until the marshalls put them on the street before they try to find someplace else to live.

    Yes, this stinks! Yes, life is unfair! Yes, you are a good person and did not deserve this! But it's happening anyway...

    Please hang in there! Don't let this get you down.... I can assure you that you are not alone in this.

    When we had to (yes, had to) move from our home....there were no options for us because there were no jobs. We had to give up a house that we LOVED. We gave up friends and neighbors that we LOVED. We gave up a lifestyle that we LOVED.

    And because my husband had no job--we had to fill out applications to rent a house based on NO INCOME. Talk about limited choices!!

    But we all worked together and we DID it! And in many ways that we didn't know then....we are now better off. We are renting an older home....but it is bigger. We are in a more crowded school system...but their policies are better for difficult child than the old school.

    It's a cliche--but it is true: life is what you make it.

    And you can choose to have a "good" life if you want it....

    Sending (((((Hugs))))), support, and prayers your way--Everything will be OK!

  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    MWM =

    HUGE HUGS.......I've been there and done what you are doing so many times I nearly lost count. No kidding - 44 moves in 11 years nearly put me in the psychiatric hospital. (Gosh I loved being married).

    Listen - before you check into the state Bed and Breakfast (despite the craft classes being immensely destressing) why don't you just pack a few peanut butter samiches, some cheap chips, some off brand cola and go sit in the park and just listen to the wind. Listen to nature -listen to the birds and take a nap. If it's cold? Bundle up.

    YOu can't change your daughters reaction to the move. You can't change the fact that your landlord is a total :censored2: and a :censored2: for a :censored2: but - you can find a minute to just take yourself out of this crazy equation.

    Down the street from our home is a camper park - there are 2 or 3 trailers, but the rest are campers. A few years ago it was a place for the guys working at the chemical plant construction to live while working. They moved out and sold the campers to the park. The park is making it hand over fist now and has opened another campsite down the road. There were about 3 or 4 campers before Thanksgiving. Now there are over 25 - and they are building a picnic pavillion.

    Most of us are just 1 paycheck away from living like that. I have hung on to our family camper because my mother jokingly said 10 years ago - "Well you'll always have a place to live." Not so funny now - and could be a reality for us as well any day.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is you are not alone - and you can let your daughter know that all over the US right now? People are tucking their kids to sleep in the back of the family car. She's among the lucky ones if you are getting to stay together, keep your pets and stay in the same school.

    She's also, NOT her sister. But I understand your fear.

    Hugs -
    PICNIC!!!!! PICNIC!!!!!!!!!!!! PICNIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, everyone. We actually got a strange gift today.

    I went into a gas station to buy coffee and I saw "Rental house" in my town. Obviously, I grabbed a tag with the # on it and call Travis, the owner. He not only would like to rent the house, he'd like to SELL it! And he's willing to rent it to us while we make up our credit and then sell it to us. In fact, he seemed relieved and enthusiastic. I rushed home even before I saw the house, got my daughter (who is home from school) and we looked at the house. It's pretty nice. Not perfect. But it's in OUR town and we wouldn't be moving too far. And, hey, it has a nice deck! I neve had a deck before. Always wanted one. Hub is going to meet with owner today and we're going to bang out terms.
    We learned from out last rent-to-own. You get a lease, you let a lawyer look at it, then you register it with the city. Now even if we just rent the place for a year, we should have fixed our credit by then, and we can get a loan and bid on another place, if this guy changes his mind. However, we tend to like to stay where we're at and we do want to live in our little village. So right now--well, most of you know I believe in the paranormal and good spirits--and God in all of us--I think everyone is working in our favor. I don't believe in coincidences. When I walked into that gas station the last thing I expected to see was a rental home in my village, as there are SO FEW. And when I called Travis the last thing I expected was for him to be so eager to rent to sell. So...things are looking up.
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Great news! No trash bash required.