Daughter uses baby as a weapon

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by NanaKay, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. NanaKay

    NanaKay New Member

    my daughter is 29 years old and has many issues with borderline personality disorder. Our relationship has always been difficult. Her father and I divorced when she was 7 and she blames me for everything. I did not attend her wedding because her father told her if I was there he would not come. When I did not show up at her wedding she told me she could not believe I did not even make an attempt to go, even though I had no idea where or when it was and she told me she wanted her father there and he would walk out if I had shown up. She blamed me for ruining her wedding and then she did not speak to me for 4 years. She called on me when she had problems and had to go to rehab and also when she suffered a miscarriage. Mom was there by her side. When her baby was born, for 6 months she let me see her several times a week. I seriously thought, perhaps this baby will be the beginning of a healing in our relationship. I have always been so naive when it comes to my daughter. After 6 months of completely bonding with my granddaughter she suddenly she stopped answering when I would text or call to see the baby. No more pictures of her several times a week sent to me by text. She acts as thought its a huge sacrifice letting me be around the baby for just an hour every 4 to 6 weeks. She stopped asking me to babysit. She will not let me babysit when I offer and will have a friend instead or she will even pay a sitter and she lets me know afterwards. I say Why didn't you let me watch her? and she wont answer. She gave me a list of things to have on hand at my house so I could watch the baby when she wanted to go out of town, pack and play crib, high chair walker and she never comes over. I feel she intentionally let me get very attached to her daughter for the first 6 months and planned all along that she would stop letting me see her. It has been heartbreaking. My son tells me I should have known this would happen and advised me not to get involved with her again when she had the baby. I think the part that hurts the most is that I have a daughter who would even consider using an innocent child as a weapon to hurt me. Its so mean and cruel. I want to just walk away now to stop this pain. My husband says I should just accept what little time I get to spend with my granddaughter on her mothers terms but I feel like I am in the desert begging for a drop of water from her and it makes me very sad.
     
  2. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hello Nana,

    I am just acknowledging your post, and keep you in thoughts for a calm spirit in dealing with fears about your daughter. You have found a safe place to here to share and seek insight and wisdom from the folks who all understand too well the type of understandable confusion and heartache you are experiencing. I am thankful for this group. I understand your pain in being fearful and concerned for her, for yourself, and for your grandchild. I don’t have specific wisdom at the moment for your unique circumstances, but I encourage strength and comfort. We have learned here that you will be alright and you will get through this. We are all on different unique journeys. In my 2 months with this forum, I have learned and grown so much in detachment, confidence, and release of fear. I hope the same for you.

    Others on this site will be along soon to support you. I don’t have specific wisdom for your situation at the moment. Others on this site more in tune with your specific unique situation will weigh in with wisdom and guidance from their own experiences. I am still in the initial stages of learning here. I am thankful you found us. I know you are already relieved to have shared your situation. It is such a relief to be here with others who really know from experience what is happening. Keep posting here. It helps. Hugs.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with your husband because you cant chsnge your daughter and I know what its like when family irrationally decides to shun you with no explanation other thsn youre no longer acceptable. My whole family is like this and i am 62 now and finally got it through my thick skull that they need to blame me for whatever, so I accept how they are and have moved on ( no its not easy...took therapy). It is sad about the baby but its her baby and she can sadly torture you with the bsby if she feels like it. And its not your fsult and if she is borderline she will go from being reasinable to cutting you iff. This is called splitting. It is classic in borderline to be cut off for trite or no reason.

    Im so sorry for your pain. If you can, say as little as you can and enjoy the baby when offered. Focus on your own happiness and your loved ones who can appreciate and return your kindness rather than the one whi cant. Live your life the best you can. You cant change your daughter but you can change how you respond to her behavior. in my opinion groveling makes the sbusers worse so dont.
    Sorry for your hurting heart. We are with you.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Nana, I am so very sorry for your Mama and Nana heartache, I have been there, and am there now, at this moment. You are not alone. Big, big hugs to you from a Mom and Tutu, who knows the misery of it.
    How devastating for you to have bonded with your beautiful granddaughter and not be able to see her. It is hard, Nana.
    Your husband is very wise. The time you spent with the baby is precious, a blessing.

    I have found a way to deal with the longing, and the emotional blackmail.
    Firstly, deep, deep breaths and finding time for myself to rebuild strength. I can't do any good to anyone being all cried out. It is important to allow ourselves to get out the frustration and sadness, but what do we do, Nana, to build ourselves back up?
    In our desperation our answer may be, "I need to see my grandchildren!!!!Then I will feel okay again."

    But the truth and reality of it, is that our driving need to be with our grandchildren, is used as a weapon against us, yes?

    So, we must be very clever, and very wise.

    Taking care of ourselves is so very important.

    My story is a bit different, my daughter is a substance abuser. In that comes along with it some very dark behaviors, similar to what you have described. Blame, manipulation, cunning, planning, extortion. I believe dangling my grandchildren in front of me to get me back to enabling my daughter, is extortion of the worst degree. It is playing with emotions, mine and the children's. UGH.

    That is the sad, bitter truth.

    I have had to detach from my daughter, for both of our sakes. There is a very good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum.
    You may say, as did I for many years, "How the heck can I do this, it means detaching from my grand baby!"

    Not necessarily so. The baby is your daughters, and she will do as she pleases, in the long run anyway. Knowing that, is part of the deep despair of it.

    We have no control over others actions, only our reactions.

    Please think a bit on this, if our daughters know that we are sitting in our homes, feeling desperate to see our grandchildren, we are literally fueling their fire to continue as is. They have accomplished their goal. We have ceded to them in this.

    What if, we put that burning desire, in the back of our minds, and loving our grandchildren from afar, start to put our lives together and live to to the fullest?

    I may be wrong, but I feel that energy of focusing on building myself, finding joy, and deflecting my intense yearning as an end all be all, to be with my grands, will have the exact opposite affect.

    In other words, if I shift my focus, to living well, then my grandchildren will eventually find their way to me.
    I shift my focus, by saying quick prayers for my grands, when my thoughts get intense about them.

    I cannot control what my daughter, does or does not do. Knowing this, I have to carry on.

    It is work, but as I said, I do no good to anyone, broken. So, I work to fix myself.

    Then, when I see my grands again, I can be my best self, and their best Tutu.

    You are not alone. Others will come and share.

    Strength and hope and peace be to you Nana.

    From a Tutu (grandma) who understands
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  5. NanaKay

    NanaKay New Member

    Thank you for your kind words
     
  6. NanaKay

    NanaKay New Member

    was trying to locate this particular article you refer to in this post. There are several. Can you help me find this one?
     
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Will be back later, got to go t-day shopping, rainy here and it will get crowded.
    Hubs absolutely hates crowds.

    Chin up Nana, we will get through this.

    Prayers for you and yours,
    leafy
     
  9. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I have three grandchildren by three different baby daddies (don't know if she had any more) that I have no contact with. It was draining with their mother to hear, everytime she got in a snit or didn't get her way, "You will never see me or your grandkids ever again" It was so stressful, I called her on it. Every time I did see them, they would make comments like "Gee, "she" actually gave us presents, or "is "SHE" actually going to pay for our dinner. Never mind I took her in at a time when one of the pot head, druggie or alcoholic daddies, were threatning her and the kids life. I miss them, especially the oldest who I was closest to. I am sure we will come across each other some day. The middle one has a ton of emotional problems (like his uncle) and I always felt bad for him as his mother has always been in denial since day one. It was definately a hard decision, but the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" isn't true when it comes to my eldest. I didn't want to put the grandkids in the middle of a pi**ing contest with their mother

    Marcie
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is sad but very common. My folks kept contact with my niece by giving my bro a lot of things and by 'loaning' his exwife $ when she asked (about 2-3 x per month!). They also did free babysitting at all hours and talked exsil down may times. My Mom even told her next hubby what to expect and how to cope with exsil right up until the end of their marriage(this is the hubby after my gfgro).

    One thing I strongly suggest is to look into your rights as a grandparent. They vary WIDELY from state to state so you have to check them. Then get a lawyer involved if you need to enforce your rights by going to court. Those first six months should show that you established a relationship with her.

    Detaching is something you will have to do with your daughter at some point. learning about it and working on it now will be a great help to you, but you need to look into your rights also.

    I know in my state the court gives my folks more rights over my bro's child than over my 3 kids. He is divorced and I am still married to the father of my kids. This means the courts have special guidelines that give grandparents more rights to his child than to my kids, probably because in case of a divorce or parents who didn't get married, one or even both sets of grandparents gets pushed away because the custodial parent wants nothing to do with their ex or his family. This isn't good for the kids, so the courts have the power to make the custodial parent (or both parents) allow the grandparents to see the kids. But in other states the grands have no rights or they have even more rights regardless of if the parents are together. So you MUST check the rights your state gives you.

    I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. I hope that in time the pain eases. (((((hugs)))0)
     
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Nana, I'm so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing. I'm glad you found us here.

    I do hope you are not buying into your daughter wanting to blame you for everything that has gone wrong in her life. Also, as for you "ruining" her wedding, unless you're some kind of super hero, you just don't have that kind of power.

    I think your daughter must have some deep pain that she is not dealing with and it's much easier for her to blame you. This is a very common thing our adult difficult children do.

    I agree with the advice @susiestar gave you.

    You have no control over your daughters choices but you do have control over how you respond.

    It's not easy having a difficult adult child but you are not alone.

    ((HUGS)) to you..................
     
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