Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom_in_training, Dec 28, 2007.

  1. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Hi David, I saw your response to Star about Elisem. I do not post much these days but do try and come here often. Allot of difficult child drama and medical drama with my son for most of 2007. Hes ok but it has been life changing. Just wanted to say that yes you have in deed found a place that you will find an abundance of genuine people that do truly care. This site is awesome. Although a lil late I want to also say welcome aboard.
  2. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    I thank you sooooooooooo much.. much more than you realize. and this goes for all... I PRAY one day... I can offer real and sincere advice to parents new here... I know I am needy now... but I have been through a ton.. alone... and to see sincere "Care" like this site offers amazes me....

    I just got off phone with my Mom... I am now voewing (sp) .. I am not and will not call anyone in my family agian about my concern or need to talk about my situation.. in regards to my Son again... (with no need to go into details here)

    Mom_in_training.. thank you

    one day I hope I meet a person like you guys that truly understands... the real love of a child perfect or a difficult child ... I see now why I am single still... and I need to keep working on "Me" to make his home coming.. (when it is right) a success

    again thanks
  3. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    I hear you about your not discussing your situation with family. It seems that some family just do not understand and always seem to have the answer for everything or find it appalling that you as a father chose to take action to help your child. Here you will find no judgement, Just parents that have been there done that that will not hesitate to share their input or give great advice. Very supportive group here on CD. Had to laugh about the breastfeeding part, Lol!! Yea a bit difficult for a Dad :). Its tough being a single parent and even worse finding others that do understand along with having the respect and love for your child like you do. I know all about that, My son is 20 and there was only one guy that I knew that truly accepted him for who he is. So heres another thats in the club of being Mom and Dad rolled up in one. Its a task but we do get through it.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    David, as you are sorting through the multitude of issues that surround you and difficult child, do you mind one more suggestion to mull??

    It is not easy to do but it really is very important to remember
    that you have relationsips, history and needs with other family members that span 43 years. Like most of us I am sure that you
    have not been the perfect family member. I'm equally as sure that your family has not made the best choices for four decades
    plus. That is between YOU and YOUR family members.

    Your son (like all of our sons and daughters) has only known his
    relatives for his short lifetime. If he did not share a home with relatives then his knowledge is limited to perhaps a few hours shared during his childhood. If he did live with you and
    your Mom then he has a much more defined picture of exactly who
    she is and what she believe to be right/wrong etc. If you can't love imperfect people then how can you hope others can love you with your imperfections.

    It is HUGELY important that you separate your relationships and
    your sons relationship with the same people. It is emotionally
    abusing to discourage your child from seeing the good side of his
    family members.......even if the bad side outweighs it. That lesson has been really, really hard for me. Even the relatives
    who think ALL of easy child/difficult children problems are caused by his addictions and poor choices...yes, there are many relatives that still do not understand that he has brain damage that will last for his lifetime!...are HIS relatives. He has told me many times "You
    know I really don't like XYZ BUT God made him a relative of mine
    so I need to look for the good in him."

    We have an old family saying that originated with my flamboyant
    Dad. Make sure you live your life right 'cause "you never know
    when you might be run over by a turnip truck!" Keep that in mind
    as you think of burning bridges. If YOU get "run over by a turnip truck", will your son have relatives that he believes will
    care about him?? It's something to think about. DDD
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I might have missed something (wouldn't be the first!), but I didn't interpret David's post as wanting to stop a relationship between his son and other family. I thought he was just saying he can't discuss difficult child issues with them. I can't do that in my family either. There is the relationship with my half-brother that is permanently damaged with both me and difficult child- but sometimes it is the other person that turns a situation into a "my way or no way" scenario and we can't change everything about ourselves to cater to that- especially when they don't know anything about raising a kid or difficult child issues. If these issues need to be dealt with by saying "let's agree to disagree" and everyone can focus on other things so there isn't constant arguing and belittling about it, fine, but it takes the other parties involved to take that position, too. With my Mom, difficult child knows and says "you know mom, she's different, but I love her anyway" (he came to this conclusion on his own). Yes, I feel the same way about her and she's a part of our lives.
  6. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    "but I didn't interpret David's post as wanting to stop a relationship between his son and other family"

    I did not interpret as him not wanting to have a relationship with his family either, Just not discussing his difficult child issues. I have personally experienced the "No you can't do that, Or I would do it this way, Or no that will not work (Tough Love)" when it comes to difficult child issues. I am open to opinions on how to handle any certain situation by family or others but if I find that their input would in any way hinder what I believe to be the appropriate treatment or the way of handling my difficult child as an individual that I have raised I would not go there. I for the most part do not discuss most difficult child issues with my family but they are definitely still part of our life.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Certainly I can't speak for David :nonono: but my impression is based on mulitple post references. I do not think that he is planning on avoiding all contact. My impression is, however, that his family has been consistently critical of his handling of
    the difficult child issues and their behavior is perceived to be anti-David and anti-difficult child. There have been a number of references to Grandma
    (who I am assuming is David's Mom) and her attachment to difficult child interfering with David's parental focus on difficult child. Since there is not a biomom in the picture, I think that Grandma sees herself in
    that role which makes David uncomfortable.

    It is my very strong opinion that as David sorts through his
    role as the sole parent of a struggling teen and prepares for the
    upcoming empty nest it is worthwhile to suggest that he encourage
    his son to see the very best side of all the relatives he has...
    even if they also have "ugly" sides to their personalities. difficult child
    is not perfect. It is OK to accept that you are not perfect. By
    knowing that many people who share his heritage are good people
    with some flaws, difficult child will be able to form a picture of himself as
    an individual adult. Right now he wants to be perfect for Daddy
    but he needs to aim for adulthood where he knows that nobody is
    perfect and his independent choices will determine how and where
    he lives the remainder of his life.

    Does that make sense? I hope so because I believe firmly that
    it is hugely important and that his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement should be helping him aim for that type of self-acceptance. Many of our
    difficult children KNOW they are falling short of the mark that we have set for them and then they give up, or smoke pot, or drink etc. in order to feel OK. DDD
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ... :salute:

    You stated you would be glad when you had something to offer:

    There are already things that you have to offer here. You probably just don't know it, and truth is someone may never say "MY GOOD DOG DAVID - WHAT you said is so profound it changed my life forever!", but you already make a difference by being you, by coming here, by posting, by reading.

    Learning who we are is far more important than what we are. I'm 40.....ish, and really didn't start figuring out who I was until about 7 years ago. I have one advantage - I know for sure whom I do NOT want to be.

    By coming here to this site - it says "I am looking for information to help my kid, and along the way myself." By posting your story - you encourage other Fathers who may be lurking to step into the light and realize they aren't alone. By reading - it shows that you care because it takes time to read and reply. SO build on yourself from that point - Start with I'm curious. I'm curious why? Because I want to help my son. Why do I want to help my son? Because I love him. Why do I love him? Because he's a great kid. Why is he a great kid? Because he has ME for a dad. See how easy that is?

    Don't ever think that you are insignificant. Everything you do affects other people.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There ARE family members that can be toxic for us and for our kids, and we kind of have to make hard choices sometimes. I really feel that the people who love and accept you are your family, not who happened to share the same womb or who gave birth to you. If I felt that way, I wouldn't have adopted my kids. My own family was destructive to me and my children. I don't know David's situation but I think he's in the best position to know if his family is a positive or negative for his child. I really don't see my bio. family much, but I have a great "family" of friends. I just don't buy that blood forces you to stay connected...I have suffered more hurt at the hands of my family than any other people...and so have my kids. So it's all very individual...jmo
    David, I agree with Star that you have plenty to offer. You've been through a lot with your son and certainly have experience to pass along. I'm glad you came. It's great to see a man (no offense to men...lol) who is so loving towards a very difficult child and unwilling to give up on him.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    David, sometimes the biggest contribution we can give another member is simple support and hugs. They can mean all the difference in the world!

    I don't post on the medications threads. I simply don't know enough to make an even halfway intelligent post on them. I can help somewhat with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) issues and behavior modification. Been through the wringer on those.

    You have knowledge on the juvenile system, how to get your son into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) rather than a long-term visit at juvie. You know what it is like to be a single parent and feel totally alone. You're articulate in your feelings. Those are all things you can contribute.

    Don't ever think you have nothing to say or share. You'd be surprised how much knowledge you do have once you start talking and thinking about what happened/worked/didn't work for you in the past. Frequently, the things that didn't work can be much more helpful than what did.
  11. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    "You stated you would be glad when you had something to offer,
    There are already things that you have to offer here. You probably just don't know it"

    Star,You could not have said it better. We all are here in the best interest of our difficult children and thus far I have yet to find any other group that can come close to offering up advice or their input based on what they have personally experienced because we love our children and want nothing more to help them in any way we can to grow up to be responsible adults. We all know that this comes with many challenges and that alone is what makes CD incredibly valuable along with the awesome members that genuinly do care. :thumbsup:
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh, I can end that problem for you right now, David!


    I've got several questions about the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) arrangement. A few pertain to how to get the difficult child in without leaving the door open for another family member to take custody, which happens in VA if Social Services is involved. Also, you're in a neighboring state and I've been told difficult child wouldn't be able to go to a psychiatric hospital again or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in VA, should the need arise. Obviously, I'd prefer he be in a neighboring state if he can't be here. I'm nowhere ready to relinquish my fight and let him go to juvy with the key thrown away, should he get in trouble again. (And let's face it, I need to have a plan for this.) So, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't lose any sleep tonight over being able to help someone else!!

  13. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    Oh ladies... thank you... bet you never seen a man cry as much as I have... I can not wait till jan 2 for my Dr. appointment.... got to stop all this crying!!!!!!

    I am going to respond to each of you - however (selfish part of me coming out) New England is Fixing to whoooooop the giants... I can NOT miss this game...

    and each of you deserve my full attention... watch for it
  14. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Lol!!!! :salute: Your toooo much..... :fan:
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    MWM, of course he is the one to make the choices. I also agree
    that there are toxic people in the world and in some families.
    on the other hand, almost all of the CD family members have experienced the
    disappointment and emotional pain of having friends and family who just either can't or won't get that difficult children are...well...difficult children
    and not PCs. That is not my definition of toxic. I'll put on my Warrior Mom gear and stand at the side of any CD family member who has to protect a child. There is nothing woosey about me.

    on the other hand, when you are in the midst of the pain of raising a difficult child by yourself it is easy to lose sight of the fact that most family members have some good points...even if they don't "get it". I
    had in-laws, for example, who were from the country in the South
    where racial differences were not tolerated. My Ex and I tried
    keeping the children away from them in protest. Finally we figured out that we needed to teach our little children to speak
    out when their grandparents said a bad word. They were caring,
    wonderful, nurturing people and the children all benefited from the time they spent together BUT they knew "we don't use words
    like that Grampa..it's not nice" by heart.

    My adult children and my teen g/children have a biodad/grandpa
    who is a booty. He "knows" that easy child/difficult child is nothing but a criminal
    and is "using" his brain damage as an excuse to get away with
    things. :hammer: Everyone uses the same sentence when he tries
    to get the subject going "we don't care to discuss that subject".
    It works. He's a booty but as easy child/difficult child says "he is my grandfather
    and sometimes he is fun to be around". That is what I meant.
    Not "evil to the bone" people. Just flawed family members. DDD
  16. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    DDD -

    First I think maybe you see now from others, I for sure am not walking away from family... nor would I want my Son to feel like I am, it was as others have said... I simply am not going to be able to talk to my family about my Justin and his treatment -

    You are right in remebering my difficult feelings toward my Mom about her involvement in his life... while it is great for him (and her I am sure) the demand of ownership of him is what is hard to take... even more so when I consider she has 6 other bio grandkids and 4 step grandkids... that she has nothing to do with - Justin is the only one that she has a relationship with and I find that sad.. for her AND the kids

    a little more history:

    I am not sure how it happened, but I am 2nd of 4 kids and I am the only one that gives a hoot about "family" (Justin is the same as I in this) I need family want family and feel it is most important... I am close to my Mom and my Younger Brother (kid number 4) - I have not talked to my older brother (kid 1) in over 8 years... why? because he does not understand how I deal with something that happened to me when I was a teenager.. that should never happen to a child... no matter what I try(ed) in the past .. he chooses not to be a part of my or the other family members life - even my Mom she never did anything but try to protect me and he has turned on her for that...
    Same with child 2 my younder sister.. have not talked to her in about 6 years... have tried to make ammends after she said and did somethings to me - that she should not have... funny however now... after finally giving up early this year on her and coming to terms with it with in me... she has made contact with my mom and now my mom is saying I should accept her saying she is sorry and build a relationship up again... (I have soooo many times with this girl.. in the past.. I can not find it in me to do it again only to be waiting on her next stunt) - mom wants me to allow her to at least write Justin in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).. I said NO WAY... maybe I am wrong... but where was she the last 6 years - she never attempted to contact her Nephew...

    My dad.. the evil easy child of ___ this man will make my blood boil.. this is the root of all evil... funny thing..... HE IS A MINISTER!!! - the most hateful physco path in the world... he blames ME for what happen to me as a young teen... said I liked it!!! he has 4 bio grand kids he has never even met... one is an adult now!!!

    However I was vedry close to his dad... that died in 1976 .. I have held that relationship I had with my grandad very close to my heart... and I made the choice right after Justin went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... to offer him a relationship with my Son... and blow me away.. he accepted.. and even came to visit him on the first family day.. at Residential Treatment Center (RTC).. first time he saw Justin since he is 18 months old.. how sad it that! but if Justin can build a relationship with him of some kind that is positive.. more power to Justin.. they are still writing back and forth.. even though I have nothing to do with the man... never will

    As far as me not able to talk about Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with family (brother and mom) they love me yes I know.. they love justin in some way I know.. but they can not see the sickness made Justin do this... and I try to say over and over to them.. put yourself in his shoes... Look at what this childs own mom has done to him.. could you IMAGINE!!! they want to protect me FROM Justin... well I am sorry I do not need protection.. I helped make Justin and I fought for custody I woke up and fed him and changed his poopy diapers and darn it he loves me just for being his daddy... even if it kills me I am going to be there for this kid till he is able to do this life on his own
  17. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    klmno --

    I have tried to read up on some of your post... I guess I have more questions than answers.. (am sure I have not seen in your post and you may have written them out... sorry if so)

    But one thing that glares at me is your doing what I did.. and that is doing it all by yourself.. looking for this and that and I bet it is like you want to scream and say what do I do now!!!

    a year ago... I got a case worker... this is a MUST have as far as I am concerned...

    are you on state medicade? or pvt insurance?

    if on pvt insurance would you qualify for state medicade?

    (NOT being nosey non of my business, but a whole new world opens up with medicade.. unless your well off or have perfect insurance plan)

    I do not understand why someone told you no more hospital or no Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in your state? why is that? who said it?

    I do know that if you place in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).. whom ever places him in (the parent) then you have a say in who can even know he is there, much less who can take him out.. my Son's mom could not show up and remove him.. she could not even call and ask how he is doing they have a code that must be given before they will even say he is a resident... and then even if she had that code.. nothing is done said with out MY permission.. those are all part of the 50 thousand papers you sign when the child is placed..

    but again I guess I need more info - DSS was involed here as well - at first becuase my mom messed up and said something stupid to them... in an effort to get more help... but in the end .. it got us lots of help.. and I still have the case worker doing my dirty work... so it is a huge weight off my back... as of now.. her job as I have asked is to get a neuroshyc (sp) test set up... and approved some how...

    I looked for 3 years for a placement for him... I have raised my voice at judges, I have come down hard in court on the prosicutors / DSS / Schools / you name it.. I said over and over I NEED HELP - other wise the state is going to have to pay for him to be in jail for the rest of his life.. so make a choice.. help me now or pay more in the end... I am convinced where Justin is now is by far the best Residential Treatment Center (RTC) out there...
  18. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    A good caseworker can make all the difference in the world. Glad to hear you have one actually fighting for Justin (don't ever think she's fighting for you, she's not -- you just happen to get some of the benefits, but don't be surprised that if your desires conflict with her ideas of what is best for Justin, she turns on you).

    David, your up and down about the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) concerns me. When you first came, you had major doubts. You've vented that they don't return your calls or really give you the input you need and deserve. The same is true about Justin staying there.

    Some of the things you have told us about the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) makes me wonder about it. Much is so much different from my experience and the experiences of other parents who have kids in various RTCs. You have more freedom to see and talk to your son than many. His first home visit was pretty early and the freedom they gave you regarding activities was pretty remarkable to my mind. The fact that it doesn't sound like there is any real work on helping parents find new and different ways to parent is another issue to my mind. Some of this camp sounds very good (and typical). It really is good to be able to see the pluses and minuses of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That way, you can find other ways to work on the things they don't.

    I'm not judging or saying there is anything wrong. I'm just concerned that you've somehow put blinders on to make Justin's stay more palatable to your mind and defenses. No matter what, from what you have said, Justin needs more help than you can give him at home right now. You are doing the best you can to get him this help. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Few parents have been able to get this type of help.
  19. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    meowbunny -- You are right.. in allot of what you said... I am up and down on Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... it is not perfect and as large of an organization as they are.. they for sure need more support for the parents... I would love to have converstations with parents of the same Residential Treatment Center (RTC) my Son is in.. but they have no way to accomplish this.

    As far as the case worker... she is a paid case worker.. NOT part of DSS - (DSS closed the case a few months after it was opened, after they saw all was ok)

    The case worker is with a Dr office... not part of the state organization... but a private physciatrist office (she is not a physciatrist)

    I also have a counselor that is a family therapist... he comes to the house, that was with Justin and I for a few months before Justin went into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (a private family therapist) he was more for me - to get ready to place justin and to help with home life when justin was here, I have not seen him since Justin was admitted in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as he has left it open for me to start up again... when ever I want but for sure when we know Justin will start the transistion back home -

    As far as time and what we were allowed to do.. no clue.. I thought 5 months in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and having first 12 hour visit was a long wait... (took him that long to earn it)

    It may seem like I see him alot.. but it has been a strange month... lots of things going on... at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... all seem to happen in a 2 or 3 week period

    But things back on track now...

    Next time I will see him is 12th of Jan. - unless I get a call to do the family session.. before that which is not on a set date.. but happens one time a month... at any date I can or want it

  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    David, your family dynamics sound complex. No wonder you have
    issues trusting others to interact with your son. I'm glad that
    you realize my post was not intended to be negative.

    This time alone is the perfect time for you to reach out for
    additional help sorting out all the confusing issues of the past
    and personal support for yourself as you face the future. It surely sounds as though you have assertively advocated for help
    for your son. As an experienced volunteer advocate as well as
    a parent/grandparent who has had to advocate since the mid 60's
    for a child with issues and due to circumstances continues to
    have to actively advocate...I know it is draining. It is very
    easy to lose your sense of self in the intensity of fighting for
    your childs future.

    Your response illustrates exactly the difference between "toxic"
    relatives and irritating, disappointing or pain in the fanny relatives. :rolleyes: There is no question about eliminating
    toxic. Over time, however, I believe it is best to attempt to
    put in place some type of support system in case "the turnip" gets you. DDD