Day 10 since I kicked out my 18 yr old

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cage11, Jul 28, 2007.

  1. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    This is the first time I kicked out my difficult child daughter. I'm new at this. At first she called to come home - was staying with a boy. This boy was actually trying to convince her to come home. She lied to him so he threw her out. Now she has another boyfriend. She was on myspace yesterday and posted that she was living with him now (so I am told). I put her work uniform on the front porch the other day, I refused to let her come in the house to get it, with a note to please call and check in so I know she is okay. It has been 3 days and I'm heartsick. Prior to that she was checking in daily. I'm dying to call the boyfriend's parents' house (the number was on my caller id when she called me from there last week). Should I? I called once last week and she screamed at me not to call that number. This is torture. I know in my heart that I have to teach her a lesson but it is so painful. I just want her home. Reading all the posts really helps me not to feel alone in this. I guess what is really bothering me is not hearing from her. We are actually very close in a weird way. sigh.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It's a tough one. I know that when my daughter was gone, I was told to not call her, not try to find her, to detach and let go. This was the wrong answer for me. I did go to the carnival where I last knew she was. She'd quit that job before I got there and they had no idea where she was. I then called her cell phone and left a message. She called me back and asked to come home. I said with some serious provisos and rules that she would have to follow. She's done a good job in following the rules since she got home, not perfect but good.

    However, it doesn't sound like you're in quite the same spot I was. You know she has a roof over her head. Mine didn't. She has flat out told you to not call the one number you know she is at. If your daughter is like mine, she's not going to call you. Instead, she's going to punish you for her behavior and choices that lead to your having to kick her out. If she has access to MySpace you know she's safe for now. She's still in your town and it sounds like she still has a job if she needs her uniform. If necessary, open up your own MySpace account and check hers to see what is happening in her life. If she'll accept you as a friend, you can leave her messages there.

    Honestly, I'm not convinced that it is time for your daughter to come home. I know the pain you are going through, believe me I know. I think girls like ours need to hit rock bottom. My daughter has left her home three times since she was 18. Every time I let her come back. The first two times I bailed her out in monies she owed friends and creditors and replacing what was lost. Not this time. She's finding ways to pay back those she owes. She also knows that if she doesn't follow the house rules this time she will not be coming back here if she's kicked out or moves out in a snit.

    So, the big question is do you honestly think things will be different after the first week or two if your daughter comes home now? If the answer is no, then it is not time. If the answer is yes, then find her and let her come home, but let her know the house rules before she walks in the door and let her know that if they are broken she's right back out the door. Be firm, be reasonable, be strong.

    Many hugs. This is not easy.
  3. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    I am so glad your daughter is home and doing okay. I hope the same will hold true for me. The other day my son let my daughter in the house to get clothes. She didn't know I was home sick from work. She came in and woke me and gave me a kiss and told me she loves me - and left with the new boyfriend. She was calling regularly to check in when she was living with a different boy. Now she is with this (older) guy living in Delaware (Im in PA) that she met through a friend. I have no idea who he is. She works 2 nights a week bussing tables which gives her enough spending money. Since she moved in with this guy she has stopped calling. That is why I called the number on my caller ID that she called from. Turns out it was his mother's house and she was ticked I called it. I told her I just wanted to be sure she was alive and safe. I don't think she has hit bottom yet. I hope she will soon.
    Thank you for your wonderful advice. It is helping me a lot.
    And I think I will open a myspace account.
    I'm still tempted to call the mother's house again...
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    "God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change
    the courage to change the things I can
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    this may sound cold but I would let her go. the new family will tire of her soon enough and she will be your problem again before you know it. you know she is safe, housed and apparently in their good graces for now.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I believe she was mad you called because it made her look bad. I think she is playing the 'good girl' act right now. Perhaps has even talked you up as the bad parent.

    I say: enjoy the peace in your house now because it will not be long and she will be back again. And you will be stressed out by her once more. Relax now. She is safe. Has a roof to sleep under.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey...I have been out of town for a little bit so I havent introduced myself...or said Hi.

    Im sorry you are going through all this. It is awfully hard to deal with this sort of thing. We have kicked our son out before but he keeps returning like a bad penny. I hate saying it like I wish I could feel thrilled when he came home but the stress level goes up.

    It does sound like your daughter is safe and housed for the moment. She has access to a phone and the net so she isnt homeless. I can imagine how hard it is to know she is in a different state but until she gets hard up she wont hit bottom. Trust me, I know this because I was a difficult child. I turned my life around when I knew I had to because I was responsible for kids and my parents were not going to bail me out. Best thing that happened to me. I still have diagnosis's but Im not a difficult child anymore...well not much of husband might argue that point.

    Im pretty sure your daughter will be back. Either she will run out of places to stay and need to come home or she will grow up and make it on her own and want to keep in touch. The second would be the best option.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Hi, and welcome. You will receive much good advice and support here from many different perspectives. None of us has the secret answer, but we have all been able to share our pain and take strength from one another.

    I am glad you found us.

    My take on this is that you are teaching your daughter now what the rules will be for the future. Let that give you strength when all you want is to hear her voice and know she is safe. You did not choose the current situation. Nor did you cause it. What you want is for your daughter to live at home with you where she is safe and can take full advantage of the things you have sacrificed to give her.

    What you do not want is a child doing the things your daughter wants to do from your home.

    We have to make that distinction, because it hurts too much to have them gone, and we flounder around trying to figure out where we went wrong.

    You did not go wrong.

    Your daughter is following a self-destructive path right now.

    When this was happening to me, I felt like a living, breathing nightmare.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you and to your child.

  9. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I don't really have any great advice, the other ladies here have given you something to think about. Just want to say that I definitely know how you feel and hope you can find some kind of peace to make it thru each day.