Day 4 since I threw my 18 year old out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cage11, Jul 21, 2007.

  1. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    This is the first time I have asked my difficult child daughter to leave. She left with $20 and a change of clothes.
    Last night she called and quietly asked to come home. I said no. She lost her cell phone and says she has no place to go. Please tell me I did the right thing!
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    If you feel you did the right thing, then you did the right thing.
    I asked my son to leave our house 2 years ago when he was 18. He was an active heroin addict, stealing everything from us and I knew in my heart he had to hit bottom in order to come clean. He has never lived home since then. He is clean almost 10 months now, works full time and lives in a soberhouse. I know it was the best thing I could have done for him. We have a wonderful relationship now and his life has changed drastically.

    I always tell people you have to follow your heart. When people ask when is a good time to ask their kids to leave, I always tell them you'll know when it's the right time. I know for me it wasn't something I planned, but one day he did something that let me know it was time and I did it. If I hadn't, he would probably still be living in his pigstie of a room and using every day, if he was even still alive.

    Welcome to our board. I'm glad you found us. there will be many more people along shortly who have had to make the same decision you did. If you feel this was the best thing for her, then stick to it and don't back down. If something changes your mind and you feel she has learned from it, then follow your heart.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing. She can go to a homeless shelter if need be. No it's not pleasant-it will be a wake up call, she can change her life around and she is the only one who can. If you did let her back, it would be more of the same in no time. Stay strong, you can do it. Did you ever see the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness"? Where there is a will, there is a way to make a life for yourself. -Alyssa
  4. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    Thank you Karen. My heart doesn't know what to feel. All I can do is cry. At least before I could get her through her cell phone but now she lost that too.
    Thanks warrior mom too. But I'm not sure I can do this. My head tells me to stay strong but my heart isn't sure.
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    she knows where you live and can call you from a pay phone. I realize you cannot contact her. that is hard too. there is God. he can see her at all times, he can protect her. he can reinforce your efforts to help her do the right thing. even when we cannot see our children, we can pray for them and turn them over to God.
    it is the one thing that helped my sanity. even when I was quivering with fear for my son, i knew whatever God's will was, it wouldbe the thing I would follow.
    give her a month. dont cave in too soon. tell yourself and not her...that you will see what she can accomplish in one month.
  6. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    Thank you ant's mom. God does have a plan. I just wish I knew what it was! You are right, this is a time when I just have to leave it up to Him and have faith.
  7. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Hang in there...
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    We ALL wish we knew God's plan.

    Pray this prayer:

    God, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change
    the courage to change the things I can
    and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

    It will help you with accepting things as they are, and understanding that you have no control over anything but you.

    Say this prayer till you are blue in the face! My prayers are with you. My daughter has been out of my house since March of last year, HER choice.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Without the Serenity Prayer I'm not sure I would survived these
    past painful years. For me it has been a life saver, just like
    the CD family has been. It is normal to cry for awhile. Many
    of us have found that after that initial grieving period we did
    need temporary medication to get our life balance back. I now
    have Lexapro that has had no side effects and helped me over the
    emotional hump so I could live life again. Sending hugs. DDD
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Do you honestly think things will be different if your daughter comes back home? That is, more than for a day or two? For me, that was the deciding factor in letting my daughter come back home.

    When she was first kicked out by her friends, I knew that if she came back home things would be the same. It would be my fault she left, my fault her friends had had enough of her. She would live here but not be a member of the household. I refused to be her motel room.

    It took my daughter truly being homeless and seeing that she really did have a good life at home with a lot of love before I was convinced that her coming home would be different. As I told you, she is home now and things are different.

    I was telling my daughter about your post. She said that she hoped you didn't let your girl come home too soon. "Mom, you let me come when I left before but I didn't learn anything. It was too easy to come home."

    So, you probably did do the right thing. If you do let her come home, meet on neutral territory first. Give the house rules and let your daughter know which house rules will absolutely get her kicked out again. Let her know specific consequences for other unacceptable behavior.

    Here, my daughter has to be up at 10:00 on weekdays. Any hour or portion thereof equals one day MySpace usage loss. I call her and she doesn't answer her phone, she loses the phone for a day. She has to clean her room every Friday. She has chores. If she doesn't do a chore, she gets the joy of doing her chore and one of mine the next day. Any violence or theft is an automatic leave the house and don't come back this time.

    It isn't easy hearing the pain your daughter is going through. Not letting my daughter come home right away was so, so hard and so, so painful. However, given the child I have now, it was worth it.
  11. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    You did the right thing. When my easy child daughter was 18 and a difficult child I made her leave because of her drug use. She also called me and begged to come home. I refused and she told me years later that it was the best thing I could have done for her.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Think of it this way:

    You are teaching your difficult child what you will not accept in the way of how eople treat you. You are showing her you deserve better than to be treated poorly. What a great thing to teach your child! You are teaching her how to be strong and stand up to someone herself someday - perhaps her own child. You are still parenting. It is the tough stuff now and it can break our hearts, but it is the most important part of parenting, in my humble opinion.
  13. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    I feel your pain! i'm on day 1 since i threw out my 21 yr. old difficult child son. i read the other posts and it bought tears to my eyes. you did what you had to do. your daughter is feeling the consequences of her actions. don't put the blame on yourself. she is right where she needs to be. stay strong and take care of yourself and hand it over to god.
    this is the second time within a year that i had to make my difficult child leave. reading your post reminded me that i am not the only one going through this. my difficult child has been in and out of rehab; was even thrown out of a homeless shelter; thrown out of rehab; he has a warrant (or two). he can't keep a job, doesn't have a driver's license and has fines galore!
    somehow he managed to stay out of jail, but i think his luck is running out. he blew off probation yesterday. it is so frustrating when i offered to get him there and he lied to me and said he had his own way. his is a bad influence on the other 2 children in the house. he has burned all of his bridges with everyone in his life. he really has nowhere to go.
    i am anticipating his sobbing phone call asking to come back. that's the hard part. i thought so many times that he hit bottom. maybe this is the time!
    hang in ther, girlfriend! i will too!