DCFS came last night - update to innappropriate touching with siblings

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by OpenWindow, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I talked with difficult children counselor yesterday and she said she had to report what happened between difficult child and my daughter. She said it was the only way we could get difficult child further counseling. She told me I could call and report it if I preferred but I told her I couldn't because of husband and his reaction.

    She reported it and within an hour someone from the state police called me and said they were coming over. I told husband and he immediately got mad and said we should have just kept it between us and handled it ourselves. He's mad at me and says I've blown it all out of proportion and that this could ruin difficult child's life.

    The first investigator showed up about an hour after she called. She tried to talk to my daughter but she didn't say much. Then she talked to husband and I. She left and said someone else would be calling. At 9 p.m., the second investigator showed up and apologized for not calling first. husband wasn't home so I talked with her about our safety plan. She said it sounds like we're taking care of everything. I told her we were doing everything we could to protect our daughter but we are very nervous about them taking difficult child away and placing him somewhere that would do more harm than good. She told me my worry was legitimate but she didn't see that happening, and she said if it came to removing him (like if something happened again) we would have the option first of sending him to a family member.

    She said it could take up to 30 days for the investigation to be complete. She also said the county sheriff's department could decide to press charges since he is 12, and so could our town's police department. They both can investigate on their own, which is separate from the DCFS investigation. husband is convinced that the police are going to show up "guns blazing" and take difficult child off to juvie.

    So I know I did the right thing talking to difficult child's counselor, but it sure doesn't feel good at all.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That sounds very appropriate. I'm sorry your husband is being so pig-headed. It sounds as though he needs some serious guidance as to what will and can happen, and how to deal with it appropriately for everyone's sake. He could get it from a lawyer or a counselor, but he needs to start dealing with reality before his unrealistic fears get him and your difficult child into trouble.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh Linda, I know this su*ks, badly. I have actually been there done that. With us we didn't find out about the sexual abuse until we had already placed my son in a psychiatric hospital.

    We took our daughter (Jessie) to the doctor because she was having severe panic attacks and major anxiety. We KNEW our difficult child had tried to kill her. We pulled him off of her in the middle of the night - it was no wonder she couldn't sleep in her own bed for a LONG time.

    In our case, my husband did as little as possible, partly due to being in grad school, partly due to just disconnecting whenever something emotional happens.

    We put Wizard in the psychiatric hospital with the first opening. I wanted him out of the house (He also attacked me regularly and I have permanent damage to my hand from him - I love him, but could not keep us all safe with his violence.)

    CPS did their investigation, and said that our safety plan was fine, all was OK. But it was extremely stressful while they were doing it (The social worker was very new and very stupid - not a word I use lightly).

    The stay at the psychiatric hospital became 4 months long. At about 6 weeks they wanted to discharge him and I was frantic. He just couldn't come home, he had them all fooled (except ONE nurse and ONE therapist) into thinking he was a nice, sweet kid with a crazy mom. I am the mom who, in desperation, went into a therapy session and got in his face. I pushed every button he had and he went into a rage. It was horrible, but it was also the beginning of his healing and changing.

    After that he went into a group for kids who abuse others sexually. He kept insisting he didn't belong there and another patient got in his face. Wizard started to realize that he did need help, and he started to learn.

    I am NOT saying your son needs to go to a psychiatric hospital. But the CPS investigation did NOT ruin his life. Wizard was 12 at the time. The investigation got us funding to continue his stay at the psychiatric hospital until he was able to be a part of our family.

    Right now Wizard lives with my parents (in the same town we live in). He became violent with me and I refused to have him here. That was at age 14. (I am NO ONE'S BATTERED WOMAN!) wizard will be a senior this year, he is taking both college prep classes AND a vocational program in metalworking. The vocational program will continue for another year after he graduates, fully paid. The CPS investigation had no bearing on his life,except that it let us go to court and have him live with my parents so we would be safe. At that time CPS said they knew us and trusted us to make the right decisions, so my son did NOT need juvie.

    There will be life after this investigation. For all of you. It would be good to have some family therapy, and some individual therapy to help you cope with this.

    I am sorry your husband is having such a hard time wtih this. Please don't let your husband sway you in knowing you did the RIGHT thing. sometimes we know it is the right thing because it is so dang hard to do.

    I hope our story helps you see that there IS life after this, that you did the right thing, and that you have NOT ruined anyone's life. You may have saved your daughter - she will be able to get types of counselling now that she couldn't otherwise.


  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Susie - Thanks for telling us your story. I've been here through the long and the short of it, the thick and thin. But it really helps when you put it so succinctly and remind us of where you've been and where you are and how you all got there.
  5. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Witzend - husband can be very pigheadead. Did I mention that he told the first investigator that had difficult child not currently been in counseling we would have never reported it because he thought it was normal behavior for a boy his age and we had handled it within our family? That's it - tell the investigators that we think this is normal and that we wanted to keep it a secret. I'm sure that will help!

    Susie - thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so helpful to see that others have gotten through this.

    The kids are going to get individual therapy and sibling therapy once the investigation is complete. Therapy for me isn't in our very tight budget although difficult child's counselor has offered to help if I needed it. I've been talking with her a little. Once difficult child starts his therapy his current counselor said there will most likely be family involvement.

    Do the investigators come back to check on things? I'm not sure what would take 30 days for them to complete the investigation. We have a couple of things we have to do (install a lock on daughter's door, put the alarm on difficult child's door), will they come back to make sure we did that? No one has talked with difficult child yet either, and I'm not sure they will.

    It sounds like you're making things work rather well when faced with a tough situation. I do count my blessings that this seems like a one-time incident that was interrupted before something even worse could happen. Our daughter seems to be handling it well (except that she is really embarassed to talk about it with anyone but me). She is not acting like she is afraid or intimidated or nervous around difficult child. The counselor said she doesn't seem at all traumatized and we should see no lasting effects. The therapy she'll receive will make sure of this and will help her handle his bullying ways and help her should he (or anyone else) try anything again.

    I just wish husband would get over himself, quit trying to convince himself that difficult child is perfectly normal, and get on with it. But, that may never happen.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You absolutely had no choice but to tell. If he would have done it again (and few kids only perp once), you and hub could have gotten into a ton of legal trouble and lost all the kids. When our adopted son perped on our younger kids, he did leave (we wanted him out too--my kids were terrified of him). He was subsequently charged with First Degree Assault on a Minor (he himself was thirteen) and sent to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) where I assume they tried to help him. They found him trying to perp on another kid there--they had 24/7 cameras rolling. We realized after he left that things had been far worse than we'd thought. Your daughter may spill mores beans to you or to her therapist, but she MUST be in therapy. Kids tend to believe, in their gut, that they were abused because they asked for it, which is why they are not forthcoming about their horrible experiences. Sometimes out of home placement is the only safe avenue for our family. (((Hugs))) I know how you feel.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am glad you can see that a family CAN get through this. That is why I shared our story with you. Your daughter will likely let details out a little at a time. It is important to be accepting of her, and to continue keeping your relationship open so she can talk with you.

    It is very likely the investigator will talk to the kids separate from you. My daughter was interviewed at school, Wizard at the psychiatric hospital. They wait to finish the report partly because they are really overworked, and partly to see if anything else happens in that time period.

    I also wish that your husband would accept your son's differences. And what he told the investigators blew my mind!!! Hopefully through time (and maybe family therapy) your husband will be more open. It must be very hard on your son to have his dad be so unaccepting.


  8. change

    change New Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this at all and especially without your husband's support. I'm going through it too but further in the process than you are and THANK GOD my husband and I have been on pretty much the same page the whole time. Our son began this kind of behavior at age 9. We asked for help right away. No one would take us seriously except our family therapist. Long story short, we were turned down every year for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and he perpetrated on at least one child a year (that we know of) until last Fall, he violently attacked his own biological sister. I caught him in action and saved her. I'm traumatized and FURIOUS that no one would help us the years before. This would not have happened to her had we gotten him out of our home and into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when we were begging. We had a very TIGHT safety plan. We are not ptofessionals nor juvi wardens and that's what he needed. He is now in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and they are trying to find him a new one because he's already been moved several times and is still attempting to perp on others and apparently has done so already. I will always love him and CPS is now involved but without their help, he wouldn't be in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) right now. My daughter is forever affected now and I wish someone would have called CPS sooner on him before he affected our daughter.

    Good Luck and prayers your way. You are not alone.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Just wanted to lend my support.
  10. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Thanks again Susie - we've tried family therapy before and it has helped a little, but he is great at the denial game. He's not mad anymore, so that is a relief. He still doesn't agree with me, but at least he is calm about it now and not so defensive.

    Thanks Change - I hate to hear when parents try so hard to get help and nothing is done. I'm hoping we never reach the point you have, but it is a real possibility. Thanks for sharing - it is a relief to know I'm not going on this path entirely alone.

    Thanks Terry - I can use all the support I can get. It's very much appreciated.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    It sounds like you have decent DCFS workers. I hope they stay reasonable and get your family help.
  12. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member


    I am sorry you and your family had to go through this. I can't imagine....

    I too believe you did the right thing and for so many reasons.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers