De ja vu....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Sep 16, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Last year my oldest Difficult Child had been working part time as a CNA for not quite three months. The state fair was happening, and she wanted to hang with friends instead of work her scheduled shift. She called in sick, and went to the fair, and then lost her job.

    Fast forward one year... She is now out of high school and has a CNA job for almost three months. Yesterday I could tell she was unhappy, I urged her to start looking for a different job if she didn't want to continue being a CNA. I had even told her about a job fair for a new department store that was opening, but she didn't get around to showing up. Now the fair is over...there were three days you could have applied. She didn't make it.

    This morning I woke up to find a text that she had had it, the nurses all have attitudes, she is going to get a job at the new store. Plus she posted a message on FB at about 3 am that she almost hit a deer... So she didn't even finish her shift.

    Luckily, I have had a three month break as she is living with my son, her step dad. I don't want her to move back home. We have got along so much better since I don't have to deal with her 24/7.

    Before she turned 18, we had a case manager, a medical card and they had even lined up a job coach if she would continue services. She signed off on everything. She didn't need help, she was fine, I was the one who thought she needed help.

    Just so tired of all this... She is a pretty, smart 18yo. She is also impulsive, gets frustrated easily, can't plan or organize... I am just afraid all her life will be like this. Get a job, reality sets in, has problems dealing with coworkers, friends and family, instead of learning coping skills or talking to supervisors, will just walk off. She has had three jobs, and none lasts three months before she hates the job and everyone who works there is stupid... Yada yada yada...

    So, I have texted her what I would like her to do...I know I can't really do anything else. Just frustrated to see the same thing happens over and over.. KSM
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    The only thing I can say is many times, they get better as they get older. But she's got quite a ways to go. I really feel for you. Hang in there....
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Ah the young....some can get it, some don't.

    What truly can you do? They want independence, yet are clueless.

    I'm sure goal setting is beyond her, heck...I did not suffer from any mental illness, was considered a leader at 18, and did some really STUPID stuff.

    obviously, she could use help dealing with people...(couldn't we all)..that seems to be her main issue?

    I totally understand your stance, and NO, I wouldn't want the stress moving back in either... know your not alone in this!
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    My son just turned 21 and I'm waiting for him to grow up too. He has made SO MANY bad choices since puberty that it is truly mind boggling. And he's a smart guy. Go figure.

    I agree, she does not need to live with you. My son does not and it's much easier for me not to see what he is doing.
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  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Just noticed that Difficult Child was up and awake, so I texted her about the situation. She says she didn't quit...that when she wrote me and told me she was done, she meant that she was going to find a different job, and that she was going to work tonight.

    I hope she follows thru...but I am trying to take a step back. Not going to bring the subject up for a while. I hope she doesn't get fired.

  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Things that make me go hmmmm.... Difficult Child didn't work last night, and says not working tonight, even though she was scheduled to work Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She says a friend called her and wanted to work her shifts to make more money. So she spent last night at the fair...and will probably be back there tonight too.

    I still don't know if she really has a job or not...if she quit, if she got fired, who knows.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I love to watch the true crime chsnnel, Investigative Discovery, and have heard many police officers explain how you can pretty much tell the solid truth from a lie. I find it useful aND in my opinion foolproof. It has never let me down, even when I was doubtful or confused

    People telling the truth make good eye contact, talk clearly, and have one story. No matter how often they tell the story it doesn't change. It is easy to remember details of a true story. They don't back track or mix up story details. You are not confused by the clear story.

    A lie is skittish, inconsistant. A lie changes with time. A lie erupts into excuses and, "I forgots." A lie is hard to remember. Often the person says "I didn't say that" (gaslighting you to think you did not really hear what he said) or "I didn't mean that." A lie can leave you confused because the story keeps changing. You wonder what is real about the lie and what isn't, or if you just didn't hear right.

    This makes a lot of sense to me. It is how I can tell if somebody is being forthright or evasive.

    Think about how you yourself tell others true stories.

    I really value this advice I heard from those who listen to various people accused of serious crimes. If you read or watch true crime, you know that the one who really did it usually starts with one story, then changes it a little each time until finally caught or confessing.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Most the time I can tell if Difficult Child is lying, or leaving out important info. She is pretty good about not lying...but not so good about manipulating the truth...

    We have mainly communicated by texts this weekend. Much harder...

    I could ask more questions but it's just not worth it. It is what it is...

  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Exacty of course there is not just one thing but several things you have to watch to detect a lie. If you focus in just one thing you might misunderstand.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree. But the biggest factor seems to be changing details.
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    The biggest problem with this is that human memory is terrible unreliable. There is a show called Adam Ruins Everything where it went in detail to how unreliable your memory is. Our brain is not like a computer and it tends to fill holes with untrue things or add more then needed to what actually happened. Also is quote easy to manipulate.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It can be, but I think our manipulative kids remember but lie. Call it experience ;)
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Does it really matter if she quit, got fired, or is still working? She does not live with you. You are not responsible for her bills. You do not have to give her money, rides, food, or anything else. What you are doing is making yourself unhappy by wondering what an adult is doing. Unless it involves you directly, it truly is none of your business. If she is prone to not tell the truth, then it is possible she is lying now. Unless you enjoy detective work, I would her go on her merry way.
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Ah yes. And God forbid you tell them the right thing is to suck it up and go to work and do your job. We had a lovely melt-down at our house Saturday morning when son didn't want to go to work. Apparently, there is a rule about having to call in 2 hours before the shift - so 6 a.m.? I guess he planned on just doing a no-call/no show, which usually gets a person fired. He LOVED this job when he started. But some woman he works with made a remark that he was hung over and that's why he left early one day and the manager apparently told him that - it wasn't true, I drive him to work, I'd know if he was so hung over he couldn't work and (until Friday night) he'd always been at home the night before an early shift - but anyway he didn't want to work with her. Long story short, after a horrible fight in which he broke his bedroom door - the one we replaced - I lost it and told him to get out. He then begged to stay and Jabber had to calm everything down.

    But the question is, does he still have a job? He apparently talked to them - 1/2 hour after his shift was to begin and the manager was unhappy - gee :erm: imagine that. I guess we'll know tomorrow when he's scheduled to work again. Yes, his no-show was the day before his two days off, effectively giving him a 3-day weekend. What does a boss think of that? I think all of us know exactly what a boss thinks of that. :(

    I personally find it much easier when my son does not live with us.

    We set a deadline for him to be out by the end of October. I'm done being yelled at for saying the things any mother would say and trying to get him to do the right thing. If he doesn't want to put up with it, he needs to be somewhere else. When he's in my house, his job, his LIFE, is my business and he's my kid. When he's not, it's much easier for me to say, "You're a grown man. Figure it out." and stick to it.

    Sorry for the hijack. Guess I needed to get that out. But all in all, I agree with Pasajes - it's her job and her life - if you aren't financing it.
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Totally agree. Better for them and better for us.

    Sorry to hear about the latest, Lil, but I think in last post you mentioned he had some money saved up for his own place?

    Maybe it was just venting. Either way, I agree with Pasa. No reason to add worries if not absolutely necessary.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yea - as of today $850.00. He has an old electric bill he needs to pay (frankly, Jabber and I may pay that just to be done with it) and so he'll likely need to pay first and last months rent and an electric deposit. In 4 weeks (assuming he's still working) he can easily have $1,200. More than enough. We even have furniture for him - neighbors are getting rid of some. So there you go.
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  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    That is brilliant, Pasa.

    It's so hard to get out of that 'parent' mode, even when they are adults and don't live with us.

    We keep doing what we have always done.

    Sometimes we need a reminder!
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Our Difficult Child just turned 18 this year and graduated from high school...barely. Although she is out of our house, she still relies on us a lot. As I said earlier, we are stepping back and trying not to be as involved in the past.

    But her car broke down almost a month we gave her rides to and from her overnight shift as a CNA, but we wouldn't hand over the car. Her dads girlfriend loaned her a vehicle with strict instructions not to drive it out of town...just for work.

    She did pay for the first repair, but then it needed more work and was waiting on parts. So Friday she asked to borrow our car to drive to a nearby town for a friend's baby shower. We said ok with a time frame and $1.00 for every 10 miles. It should have been about 30 miles. She put on over 60. When she dropped the car off, she had a friend with her, a 17yo female who was supposedly spending the night with her. Difficult Child has been covering for this underage girl, letting her parents think she is staying with her, but she drops the girl off at her boyfriends house.

    So, no more driving our car and not being honest about what she is doing. Difficult Child tried to borrow $200 from little sister...she didn't give her any. We don't know why she wanted $200. Then she asked for $5 for gas... Probably to take this teen home the next day, but little sis didn't budge.

    So now she owes us $26... $6 for mileage...$20 for funds we loaned her during the state fair because "her debit card isn't working today and the credit union is closed for the weekend". One week later, she still never went to the CU. the card probably didn't work because there is no money in her account til payday. Which is today.

    By the first week in November she will owe $500 for car insurance. I added my name to her account because it cut her payments in half. And the ins person assured me since it is a separate account, it won't affect the policy my husband and I have. If she can't pay force 6 month balance when it is due, I am taking my name off the account, and she will have to pay $180 a month for liability.

    It's easy to say "it's none of your business" but it is hard to get to the part where they don't still rely on you to help out. She will take it as being abandoned and unloved. It is an issue we have dealt with since we got custody. She is very needy and gets upset if she feels she has been slighted. And she feels slighted most the time.

    It's not fair to get the same amount of gifts or cash as her sister... Because she is older, she deserves and needs to have more than little sis... That is the type of reasoning she is stuck with. It isnt fair...unless she has more... Some how having more makes her feel better or superior.

    It is a tough place to parent from..,especially since biomom has been in jail on $250,000 bond for armed robbery...she feels like no one cares about her...not us, because we still have little sis, not her dad, as he has a girlfriend...not her mom because she had drugs be the main focus in her life.

    I have truly tried to be the constant in her life...but it is never enough to fill the emptiness inside of her, it is like a hole that can't be filled... Even her therapist said she takes all her hurts and disappointments and tries to dump them on others, but she just gathers the hurts up again until she has to dump it on someone else again.

    I would gladly take the hurt from her if I could...but it just keeps growing.

  19. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I still think as I said in the past that you daughter is not that difficult she has a job she is is quite sociable and I am pretty sure many of us did worse things at her age and turned out fine hell you learned from the stupid things and grew as a person.
    She makes bad decisions now but really its nothing to worry about the problem would have been if you do not make bad decisions at that age I would consider that very strange.
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You're right of course. It's always easier on the outside looking in on any situation and you have the added "push" for you of feeling as though you need to make up for the lacking of the biomom. Some of our kids just seem so - sad and needy. I know mine does at times, just SO SAD.

    Mine doesn't have a car either, adding to the issue of transportation. He can - and does - take city busses, but they stop running at 5:30, and he often works to 9 or so, making him having a place close enough to walk to work important. That's very hard to find.

    True. ksm's Difficult Child seems a bit less "difficult" than a lot of ours. She's not got the drug problems to deal with a lot of us do. But again - outside looking in. Everyone feels the stress of their kids the same way I think. Every problem is a problem. I know I sometimes feel as though I won't survive my son - then I read someone else's post and realize it could be so much worse, but without this group, I would be lost at times.