dealing with a ODD gay son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by desiL, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. desiL

    desiL New Member

    I'm at a difficult place in life, with my 14 year old, he is so disrespectful to me I feel like I'm verbally abused daily, I have no control as a parent over him, he comes and goes as he pleases, if I try to enforce rules we physically have altercations. I've had him in therapeutic Foster care, intensive counseling before.he manipulated his way back home after being gone a year 2 months home and it started over again,this was in NC.Now I'm in Va and it's far worse here, I'm at my wits end (his father is deceased)I feel one of us is going to get hurt sooner or later...ODD diagnosed refuses to take medication...HELP SOMEBODY!!!
  2. desiL

    desiL New Member

    I am now at the point of considering turning him over to the state, this breaks my heart in a million pieces, but living like I do being called out my name by a child I born in this world is taking it's toll on my health I'm almost 50.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    hi. im so sorry you are having a tough time. He almost sounds like he could have attachment issues. Has he ever had a total evaluation by a neutopsychologist? This is a specific type of psychologist with the PhD and extra training in how the brain works, but is not a neurologist.Totally not the same. When you say he just came home...was he in a residential treatment center? Do you have younger kids too? Sorry for all the questions. Trying to figure out his story to try to offer some mom advice.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am do sorry you are going thru this. My 16 yo is also ODD and it seems like my heart is continually being broken. I wish I had advice, but I don't. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

    At some point, you have to decide to do what is best for you...and in the long run, it will probably be what is also best for him, as you can only cope with so much.

  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    Let's see... "Try to enforce rules/physical altercations."

    I would start with this. If he touches you physically, call the police on him.

    Hire a body guard for a week to help you enforce rules. Not to do anything physical to him, but to protect you - still call police.

    Basically NEW RULE in house - if he touches you, you call police and press charges.
  6. Mumoffive

    Mumoffive New Member

    I can't help you much with your questions but I am interested in the ODD side, I'm suspecting my son has it, if you have any info on how he was diagnosed and treated etc could you please reply to my post.
    Good luck
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well about the physical thing when you try to restrain him do not call the police unless he is bigger and stronger then you that can backfire ugly. Call it when he goes out without you letting him to go.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I love the bodyguard idea. I wish I had thought of it. My son was not physical with me, but he had control of the space. Perhaps I could have gained control earlier.

    DesiL. I am glad you are here. I hope you stay. If you look at it one way, turning your child over to the State is just formalizing what he has already decided. He has already decided to invalidate and override every single thing you stand for and you want for him, for yourself and for your home. To turn his custody to the state is just conforming the facts as they are.

    The most important thing you can do for your son is to stop allowing him to hurt you or to disrespect you. If he is allowed to keep doing that, it reinforces the idea that he himself is out of control and hopeless. You gaining control--is the model through which he can eventually gain control over his behavior and himself and his life.

    And steps you take to regain your power are in your child's interests.

    The way I see it, surrendering your parental rights is a legal decision, not a moral one. There are many many parents who have done so, who have ill children--and this is the only way their children can secure the necessary treatment. It is like husbands and wives who have to divorce so that necessary medical treatment does not bankrupt the family.

    You are not giving up on your child, you are setting a boundary that may help him save himself.

    I hope you keep posting. Take care.

    Actually, I do not believe ODD is necessarily that serious in an ongoing way. It can be, or not. Your son has had his share of struggles--being gay is not a piece of cake, even though it may be easier than in earlier decades. Losing one's father, too, no matter what his age when it happened. *The newsman Anderson Cooper on CNN is Gay and lost his dad at age 11 or thereabouts. You have had your share of pain, too. I am sorry.
  9. desiL

    desiL New Member

    Hello, when my son was placed in therapeutic Foster care (by me), and I had counselors and mental health involved that is how that is when and how he was tested and diagnosed.
  10. HopeFilledMama

    HopeFilledMama New Member

    Can you explain how you got him into a therapeutic foster care placement and kept parental rights. I do not understand this. My son is currently in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. The insurance company is requesting a discharge date. He is not ready. I am not ready. This is a really bad idea. I do not want him home (and it grieves me so much to say this)
  11. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    I just want to say that I feel for your situation. My stepson is turning 16 soon and controls his household (he doesn't live with his mother and me). I can see a similar situation potentially in our future. I agree with the others that you need to regain control not in a punishing way, but for your own sanity as well as to do your best to model an appropriate and emotionally safe/healthy household in the most unhealthy and insane of situations. Understanding of course that mental illness trumps the best of intentions. Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes for you and your family.