Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Dealing with the anger
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 419831"><p>I'm not a parent of a difficult child; I'm the uncle of one, but lived in the same house with him for 15 months in '09 and '10, so I have a ton of f2f experience of him. I too have huge residual anger issues with the kid (well, he's 19) and have a handful of observations on the topic:</p><p></p><p>1) It's very hard to get past your anger at someone if he/she never apologizes or shows sincere remorse. And I think with most difficult children, we never get *sincere* apologies or remorse. Lots of bogus apologies & pledges to behave better driven by their ulterior needs/wants, but you learn after a while to just ignore most of the apologies and pledges to improve, don't you? If anything, they become additional irritants when you can see right through them.</p><p></p><p>2) I was able to finally just wash my hands of the jerk and walk away from him, but I grant that a parent can't do that (for the most part) emotionally or legally. Even so, I was residually very angry for about half a year after I left. (I had been attacked, cursed harshly at, denounced in the most personal and violent terms, etc etc--you all know the drill with angry difficult children--over and over and over again, so I had ton of pent-up anger to deal with.) It takes a long time to get over having been mistreated like that for so lengthy a period of time, even if the difficult child is your child or family member. The mind stores up the sense of grievance and it just simmers in there, awaiting an opportunity for expression.</p><p></p><p>3) Never feel guilty about the anger, even the fury. Think about it: if anyone outside your family treated you the way your difficult child has, you would've had the person arrested, prosecuted, and jailed long ago, and with great relish and satisfaction. It is simply emotionally confounding when it's your own child that's doing these vile things to you. We are not "wired" for this sort of massive, counter-intuitive cognitive dissonance. </p><p></p><p>4) Lastly, if I were you, I'd go ahead and vent it all at her, at gale force. She's a legal adult now and she not only can take it, but richly deserves it. And you need to express it. Fire away and let it all out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 419831"] I'm not a parent of a difficult child; I'm the uncle of one, but lived in the same house with him for 15 months in '09 and '10, so I have a ton of f2f experience of him. I too have huge residual anger issues with the kid (well, he's 19) and have a handful of observations on the topic: 1) It's very hard to get past your anger at someone if he/she never apologizes or shows sincere remorse. And I think with most difficult children, we never get *sincere* apologies or remorse. Lots of bogus apologies & pledges to behave better driven by their ulterior needs/wants, but you learn after a while to just ignore most of the apologies and pledges to improve, don't you? If anything, they become additional irritants when you can see right through them. 2) I was able to finally just wash my hands of the jerk and walk away from him, but I grant that a parent can't do that (for the most part) emotionally or legally. Even so, I was residually very angry for about half a year after I left. (I had been attacked, cursed harshly at, denounced in the most personal and violent terms, etc etc--you all know the drill with angry difficult children--over and over and over again, so I had ton of pent-up anger to deal with.) It takes a long time to get over having been mistreated like that for so lengthy a period of time, even if the difficult child is your child or family member. The mind stores up the sense of grievance and it just simmers in there, awaiting an opportunity for expression. 3) Never feel guilty about the anger, even the fury. Think about it: if anyone outside your family treated you the way your difficult child has, you would've had the person arrested, prosecuted, and jailed long ago, and with great relish and satisfaction. It is simply emotionally confounding when it's your own child that's doing these vile things to you. We are not "wired" for this sort of massive, counter-intuitive cognitive dissonance. 4) Lastly, if I were you, I'd go ahead and vent it all at her, at gale force. She's a legal adult now and she not only can take it, but richly deserves it. And you need to express it. Fire away and let it all out. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Dealing with the anger
Top