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Dealing with the anger
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 419999" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>E. </p><p> </p><p>I thought about your situation and your want before I posted because I know how I used to react, and I know how I'd like to think I'd react now, and I know how sometimes I DO react then beat myself up somewhat after the fact ending up with more guilt over MY behavior (or rather lack of) than my original intent of 'setting someone straight'. Oddly enough I've sat and listened to so many people over the years tell others how they would handle this exact same situation, and you may be surprised at a list of replies. Each ones advice retrospectively is unique. </p><p> </p><p>Pondering why I could only come up with each of our lives and sets of circumstances, and history is just as unique. See I know how many times I allowed myself to be used as a doormat with people, not just my son before I stood back and was absolutely miserable, and so depressed I didn't even realize that it was not OTHERS that was making me angry, but MYSELF and my lack of ability to draw boundaries, detach, and not make compromises within myself that was the reason I really wanted to rage or lash out at someone. </p><p> </p><p>I think in the instance of your daughter, you stated it very well 'When she was out of contact, things in my life were easier." You didn't say when she was gone, my life was wonderful, or easy or fantastic - you realized with her 'behaviors' not in your face things were't so chaotic for YOU. In my opinion you didn't HAVE to draw a boundary for yourself - she left - and the boundary was created, and basically the problems left. It was easy. Now she's coming back, and that means the problems are coming back and you're figuring out that means you once again will be FORCED to draw boundaries, and maybe you aren't good at that, or maybe you have no CLUE how to do that, because before - it was just done - she left. Now you have the problems again, and THAT is FRUSTRATING. It also brings up ALL those emotions once again that if she had JUST stayed gone? You wouldn't HAVE to deal with - her problems left with her and that was okay. Now she's coming back and surely she will bring them with her and that creates problems FOR YOU. </p><p> </p><p>It doesn't have to, yelling at her? Probably not going to do anything but make YOU feel terrible - really. If yelling at her was going to make her DO anything I think maybe it would have before, but then again - maybe you're the kind of family that functions on --"I am ANGRY with you. Oh yeah well here's how I feel I am ANGRY WITH YOU! OH yeah? YEAH!" well good, now that that is out of the way - lets forgive and move on. I don't know. Sometimes I think that's needed. Sometimes I think it's not. Depends on the family, the problem. But mostly right now? I think you are struggling with YOUR boundaries and abilities to make them. I'd concentrate on THAT and be STRONG in those first, and then worry about what you say when the moment gets here. Then? If you blast her? Okay - If not? Okay. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 419999, member: 4964"] E. I thought about your situation and your want before I posted because I know how I used to react, and I know how I'd like to think I'd react now, and I know how sometimes I DO react then beat myself up somewhat after the fact ending up with more guilt over MY behavior (or rather lack of) than my original intent of 'setting someone straight'. Oddly enough I've sat and listened to so many people over the years tell others how they would handle this exact same situation, and you may be surprised at a list of replies. Each ones advice retrospectively is unique. Pondering why I could only come up with each of our lives and sets of circumstances, and history is just as unique. See I know how many times I allowed myself to be used as a doormat with people, not just my son before I stood back and was absolutely miserable, and so depressed I didn't even realize that it was not OTHERS that was making me angry, but MYSELF and my lack of ability to draw boundaries, detach, and not make compromises within myself that was the reason I really wanted to rage or lash out at someone. I think in the instance of your daughter, you stated it very well 'When she was out of contact, things in my life were easier." You didn't say when she was gone, my life was wonderful, or easy or fantastic - you realized with her 'behaviors' not in your face things were't so chaotic for YOU. In my opinion you didn't HAVE to draw a boundary for yourself - she left - and the boundary was created, and basically the problems left. It was easy. Now she's coming back, and that means the problems are coming back and you're figuring out that means you once again will be FORCED to draw boundaries, and maybe you aren't good at that, or maybe you have no CLUE how to do that, because before - it was just done - she left. Now you have the problems again, and THAT is FRUSTRATING. It also brings up ALL those emotions once again that if she had JUST stayed gone? You wouldn't HAVE to deal with - her problems left with her and that was okay. Now she's coming back and surely she will bring them with her and that creates problems FOR YOU. It doesn't have to, yelling at her? Probably not going to do anything but make YOU feel terrible - really. If yelling at her was going to make her DO anything I think maybe it would have before, but then again - maybe you're the kind of family that functions on --"I am ANGRY with you. Oh yeah well here's how I feel I am ANGRY WITH YOU! OH yeah? YEAH!" well good, now that that is out of the way - lets forgive and move on. I don't know. Sometimes I think that's needed. Sometimes I think it's not. Depends on the family, the problem. But mostly right now? I think you are struggling with YOUR boundaries and abilities to make them. I'd concentrate on THAT and be STRONG in those first, and then worry about what you say when the moment gets here. Then? If you blast her? Okay - If not? Okay. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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