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Dear Birth Mom...
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<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 280884" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>My thoughts exactly. We adopted our difficult child also but it was out of foster care and he was 9 when he came to us. He hadn't lived with his BM for about 4 or 5 years at that point but obviously still remembered her. The only thing was, while he remembered the bad stuff, he was wearing a really huge pair of rose colored glasses and had all these ideas about her. She quit drugs, she is never in jail, she doesn't do the bad stuff anymore. Nice fantasy but that's all it was. Pure fantasy. In our case also, difficult child had some contact with bio aunt and her husband and also grandma. At one time, this aunt had difficult child and 2 of his siblings and grandma raised the oldest sibling. Because of issues I won't get into, the older girl was adopted by a non relative family, difficult child came to us (eventually) and the younger girl was adopted by the aunt and her husband. Over time, contact dropped off with the aunt and uncle and grandma stays in touch but only a couple of times a year. She has her own life to deal with and has also told me that she doesn't want to halt or reverse any progress we've made with difficult child. Personally, I don't give a rat's patootie if we hear from the aunt/uncle again. Grandma I like. </p><p></p><p>While it's not the same as your situation there are some similarities. Whenever the subject would come up, I would have the therapist talk about it during difficult child's appointments. We would also tell him that when he was over 18 he could make contact if he wanted. When he got to that age, it was not a good time all around and grandma actually helped convince difficult child that contacting/visiting/living with BM was definately not the best idea at that point.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I agree that it's a pretty common thing with adopted kids.....this desire/fantasy. And I also think that a lot of kids probably have it in their minds that their birth parent(s) were good people who were forced to make a tragic decision but still cry over them and think of them every second of every day. In some cases this may be true or close to it. In others however, not so much.</p><p></p><p>In your case though, I don't think contact is a good idea. For one thing, the reason why you cut off contact originally is enough to make me wait till difficult child is older. Another reason is her unstability. Even if BM hadn't flipped out and was stable herself, personally I don't think introducing her back into difficult child's life when difficult child herself isn't in the best of shape is a good idea. I think it could make things worse and/or confuse her even more.</p><p></p><p>But, you know your daughter and family better than we do. At the very least, I would bring it up with the therapist (away from difficult child) and explain the situation. I also like the idea of a therapist that specializes in adopted kids. Maybe that person could consult with your current therapist.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do though, I know it's difficult. Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 280884, member: 2459"] My thoughts exactly. We adopted our difficult child also but it was out of foster care and he was 9 when he came to us. He hadn't lived with his BM for about 4 or 5 years at that point but obviously still remembered her. The only thing was, while he remembered the bad stuff, he was wearing a really huge pair of rose colored glasses and had all these ideas about her. She quit drugs, she is never in jail, she doesn't do the bad stuff anymore. Nice fantasy but that's all it was. Pure fantasy. In our case also, difficult child had some contact with bio aunt and her husband and also grandma. At one time, this aunt had difficult child and 2 of his siblings and grandma raised the oldest sibling. Because of issues I won't get into, the older girl was adopted by a non relative family, difficult child came to us (eventually) and the younger girl was adopted by the aunt and her husband. Over time, contact dropped off with the aunt and uncle and grandma stays in touch but only a couple of times a year. She has her own life to deal with and has also told me that she doesn't want to halt or reverse any progress we've made with difficult child. Personally, I don't give a rat's patootie if we hear from the aunt/uncle again. Grandma I like. While it's not the same as your situation there are some similarities. Whenever the subject would come up, I would have the therapist talk about it during difficult child's appointments. We would also tell him that when he was over 18 he could make contact if he wanted. When he got to that age, it was not a good time all around and grandma actually helped convince difficult child that contacting/visiting/living with BM was definately not the best idea at that point. Personally, I agree that it's a pretty common thing with adopted kids.....this desire/fantasy. And I also think that a lot of kids probably have it in their minds that their birth parent(s) were good people who were forced to make a tragic decision but still cry over them and think of them every second of every day. In some cases this may be true or close to it. In others however, not so much. In your case though, I don't think contact is a good idea. For one thing, the reason why you cut off contact originally is enough to make me wait till difficult child is older. Another reason is her unstability. Even if BM hadn't flipped out and was stable herself, personally I don't think introducing her back into difficult child's life when difficult child herself isn't in the best of shape is a good idea. I think it could make things worse and/or confuse her even more. But, you know your daughter and family better than we do. At the very least, I would bring it up with the therapist (away from difficult child) and explain the situation. I also like the idea of a therapist that specializes in adopted kids. Maybe that person could consult with your current therapist. Whatever you do though, I know it's difficult. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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