Dear Diary

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Mar 16, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    mar 6-ant is out of jail one yr and complying. no real troubles except ant's frequent asking if he can have a girl sleepover-a diff one daily it seems. (NO)

    march 12-I get home from work and ant says he wants me to get a loan and build a big garage out back with an apartment over top. he says he will pay the loan pyts. I tell him I am not getting a loan and it is not good for a man to live in his mom's backyard. I tell him he is making more money than me now and can get an apartment elsewhere if he wants. he gets up from the dinner table and throws a plate into the sink. boyfriend is there and we ignore it to see what unfolds.

    That evening Kaleb is visiting and ant is ignoring him, playing on the computer, not putting him to bed until an hour after I say so. when I pick up kaleb to carry him to bed, ant says "give me my F ing son" he says quietly as boyfriend is in the room. He pulls Kaleb out of my arms.
    boyfriend explodes at ant, yelling at him for swearing.
    Ant puts Kaleb to bed and walks out. I do not hear him come back in.

    March 13-I go into ant's room and he is in bed, smelling like booze. I tell him to dress kaleb and pack his lunch so I can take him to the sitter before work.
    Ant drags his feet, doesnt give kaleb breakfast...and I am late for work. while at work I type a list of rules:
    find an apartment in two weeks and during this time of waiting:

    no swearing or disrepect of me
    take care of Kaleb's needs and put him to bed on time
    clean up his room and dishes, do his laundry

    I find out that ant has called my mother and sister, danielle and told them I threw him and kaleb out right then and there. I tell ant kaleb is never thrown out and I am being generous giving him two weeks to find housing. kaleb can stay.

    march 14-Ant rolls the list into a ball and throws it on my bed. he tells me my priorities are screwed up and I care more about my boyfriend than my own family. he tells me he is not speaking to me any more. what is does is glare at me if I speak to him, but only if boyfriend is not present. with boyfriend present he talks normal to me like nothing has happened.

    March 15-This morning, he sends Kaleb out not dressed. I dress and feed him and take him to the sitter. Ant stalls while boyfriend is starting the truck to ride them to work. Ant doesnt come out and boyfriend finally goes in. Ant lies and tells boyfriend that I told him he was fired. boyfriend tells ant to get in the truck and lets get to work. after work Ant's dad pulls in my driveway and takes ant and kaleb to look at a trailer for rent near him. The trailer park owner calls boyfriend for a reference for ant. boyfriend tells ant he will still employ him and give him rides to and from work two dys a week, and he must get his own rides the other three days.

    I leave for boyfriend's for the weekend. boyfriend tells me to hang tight and not back down/it is time for ant to move on. I am. there he is. kaleb is with him at my house. my older son is there at night. I do not feel kaleb is in danger. I do feel ant is drinking and it is messing up his mind again. ant should be out march 30 if all goes as planned. It is time.

  2. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    You have truly done all that you can do. You are right, it is time.

    I am so so sorry.

  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Oh, no! You must be crushed. He's been doing so well....

    So hate to hear this, but if he won't handle his responsibilites and be respectful, he'd have to leave.
  4. Pokey's mom

    Pokey's mom Member

    Alcoholism is a wicked disease, I'm sorry he's fallen prey to it again. It's time to let go and let God. Take care of you, he's not rational and disrespect should not be tolerated. I'm sorry.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Janet, don't you want to shake him until his teeth rattle. What is it that makes our kids sabotage any success they have. It's like if things are going good they can't figure out what the next step is so they fall back into self defeating patterns. He will use alcohol as the reason and excuse for failing but you know it's deeper than that. Some hole in him just doesn't seem to get filled when he is following along in life. It's a lot easier to just give up than to inch forward in life to improve.

    I agree with everything you said and did as well as boyfriend. Ant is using boyfriend as a battering ram to hurt you. You don't owe him an explanation or excuses why you have a boyfriend and why you are building a life with him. Ant should get down on his knees and thank boyfriend for helping him earn an income. You have done right by him and he is not acting very grateful.

    difficult child's seems to never move in a straight line.They run drastically hot and cold. Hang tough. He may swing back faster this time. The memory of prison can't be that far from the back of his mind.

    I just thought of something, his mood swings so hot and cold that you have to wonder if he has some "shadow symptoms" of bipolar. Just a thought. It's not an excuse just an explanation. </span>
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    fran, I think it is simply the substance abuse that alters his moods. I cannot go down that path with him. I did say to him right before I left for boyfriend's that I was disappointed that he is ungrateful and disrespectful. I reminded him that just that day i had bought a refrig full of food, and picked up diapers and cared for kaleb all day while he worked.

    he said "ungrateful??" well then I will not eat the food you bought I do not need you and can buy my own food.

    enabler dad has been absent from ant's world for almost 3 yrs. funny he should show up now.

    I was upset for about 4 hrs. boyfriend reminded me that this crisis may actually help ant move forward now. one thing I am truly grateful for is that boyfriend will support me and my choices and not let ant get away with this. boyfriend said that if he started to hit ant, he woul dnot stop til one of them was dead. ant's dad never showed ant the "top dog" theory. boyfriend will not enable ant.

    boyfriend did say ant is a very good worker and he would hate to lose him so he will continue to employ ant. he told ant if he hears that he swears at me even if he isnt living with me he will fire him.

    ~~~My thought is that ant was knowing he was about to relapse and also wants to have women come and go. he is not able to do that while we all sleep under the same roof each night. I would know.~~~

    I will not call the PO on the drinking thing. I am done turning him in. that caused me a lot of pain. I will let natural conseqeuences set in. boyfriend guesses ant will cook his own goose soon enough. I hate to see it happen and I will always be there for Kaleb. Ant is an adult. I have an absence of feeling for ant at this point.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I sure don't blame you for having an absence of feeling. I get numb when difficult child is dragging me down. I tend to close that emotional door so it doesn't contaminate the rest of the good stuff in my life.
    I tend to think alcohol and drug addiction as a symptom and not a cause but I readily admit I have no real experience with either. It's just from what I read. It's the self medicating of the underlying problem and then grows the addiction. I could be way off base.
    I would not put out the energy either to turn him in unless he is being irresponsible with the baby or driving under the influence. He is being pretty immature if he doesn't understand gratitude. He isn't entitled to anything but you do it for him because he is family. You know he will wake up someday in the future and say Sheesh! how stupid I was. I had a nice home, nice job, nice future and I blew it.
    And so the pendulum swings in the life of difficult children. </span>
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Janet, I tried to repsond early and got kicked off the net. I am so sorry, but in a way I understand. Maybe his attitude toward you is stimming from his knowledge that he should be "doing" on his own. He, unrightly, resents your overwhelming presence in his life. Hopefully, getting out on his own will enable you to get to know your son the adult. So often when they live in our homes we think of them and therefore, without meaning to, treat them as children. A big hug for your hurt feelings, a big kick in ant's rump for blaming you for his situation, and a big YEAH!!! he's moving out!
  9. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    You have been incredible, sorry Ant is going in this direction. i hope he sees the light and straightens out taught him the right way and he knows it.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry. My jaw dropped right to my keyboard. You must be so devistated. Ant was doing so well and he had worked so hard.

    You're right, you've done all you can and more. Ant has to take it from here. He has to be the one to make the change. Doesn't do alot to soothe your aching heart though. :frown:

  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Janet. :frown:

  12. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Sorry that ant seems to be letting things get the better of him. He's probably recognizing that it's time as well, and letting his fears and anxieties over making it on his own get the better of him. Hope he can recognize that he's slipping and the slope just gets bigger and turns back around.
  13. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    I'm so sorry it has come to this. You've done so much, and been so much. Is Kaleb going with him or staying with you. If he goes, will he be taken care of? How old is he? I pray ant came do a turn around, and see that a little needs him to be strong and do what is right. I know your heart must be low right now, I feel for you.
  14. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Adding my hugs. You have worked so hard for Ant. Can you get him to an AA meeting?

  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Can't he see what a turn his life has taken since starting to drink again? UGH! Wish I could open his eyes.

  16. KateM

    KateM Member

    So sorry to hear this!

    Does Ant have an AA sponsor? Maybe he could help Ant "see the light"??

    I'm glad you have a weekend planned for YOU!
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've got a good plan. Stick to it. It is SO hard, but you have all been through a lot.
    There is no reason for him to be upset with-you. In the real world, there are plenty of other people he can be upset with. He'll find out soon enough that you cut him more slack than most people would.
    I know you're upset and sad but you can only plan and hope it all works out. You've done a good job.
  18. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    AA mtgs and church-ant is not interestd in either. initially he went once a week but felt he didnt need it and has no sponsor.

    Kaleb- will go with his dad most likely. we have him three weeks this time and then he goes home to his mom. I told ant kaleb can stay with me til ant gets situated. he didnt answer me. Kaleb is three yrs old.

    I am strangely at peace... knowing I did all I could, and knowing God has a plan. perhaps this push is part of the plan. ant needs to go thru some growing up. I do not worry about ant. his life /his choice. at 23, it is time for him to live on his own.

    Kaleb is another story. I cannot get custody of him though I thought of that and consulted a lawyer. I have no authority over him. at this point I am letting God work about the details and be there for Kaleb.
  19. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Sending good thoughts your way! I hope he moves to the trailer, stops drinking, keeps working, and gets his act together for his son. It sounds very difficult!
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    That pendulum does seem to swing back and forth...someone told me it's just like a real swing, "serenity is that place we whiz on past". I hope ant will get back on "the beam" even if he isn't practicing the program of AA, all the practice you have had in detaching with love and letting natural consequences take place have been/are/will be a blessing and a benefit to ant rather he is able to acknowledge it now or not.

    The lil ones help provide purpose and reason...I wish we didn't feel like they "pay" for their parents lacktherein. I try and remember that "let go and let G-d" doesn't mean I can't step in when one is in danger but it does remind me of who owns what. I so often have wanted to control, hold onto, rescue or idea of "help" etc. And yet, all my interference normally does, is make things worse or complicate matters.

    I think you are wise to let natural consequences take place and go on living your life regardless of ants current choices. It's one day at a time as you know and ant, well, like week could be a whole new attitude and situation. These kids seem to keep us guessing.

    Folks that know me and are trying to help me these days often remind me that I can't predict the future, I own no crystal ball and I'm not the one ultimately in charge. Helps me get centered a bit.

    hugs and care,
    encouragement to keep doing what you're doing.
    And one other thing someone told me the other day...
    "The power in you is greater than the fear before you"