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Dear God In Heaven What Have I Done?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 152968" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Lisa, </p><p> </p><p>I think the relief of simply knowing where someone is and the fact that they are alive is the release you needed from this pain. To invite her back or invite more pain by getting involved in her life and the lives of those grandkids in my opinon would be nothing more than asking for trouble. </p><p> </p><p>Now don't get upset - I know you love her. I know you love those kids. But the facts are: She chose to run away with boyfriend. She chose to marry him. They are her kids, and despite what comes she's raising them with him they way they want to. You have a ultra mothering side in you that wants to go, get, fix, resolve. Without a doubt it's an admirable quality. </p><p> </p><p>I think one line in your post said it all. It said it all for me anyway. And that was the line about Nicole. Where it nearly destroyed her when SD left with the kids. As your friend, I would caution you at this point to invision the worst possible scenario if sd came back into her life and things were little to no different. Only you know what that would be like. I can imagine from the things you've shared what it would be like and it scares the absolute heck outta me. </p><p> </p><p>On the other hand (you have 5 fingers) but - you know how manipulative this girl can be. And now you would have the added "bonus" for lack of better word of her HUSBAND. And I'm sure if he held a fascination and control over her as a girlfriend, as a husband (deeming that he could have gotten religion bug) he's not going to be any fun to play with. In abusive homes husbands control things like which family you see and uses the children against the woman. (and can vise versa). </p><p> </p><p>So before you strike up a conversation with her or start emailing thinking what harm can it do...think about this. Even in emails you can be manipulated, upset, agrivated. And while I would, as my friend, LOVE to say with great certainty "Lisa I cant' believe you aren't there having lunch and hugging them all." I think this is something you already have that Mommy gut feeling about. </p><p> </p><p>I also have someone that I keep tabs on. I do it for my safety. If I follow their internet goings on - I know they are not near me and I am relatively safe. So I can sleep at night. I watch that person - that person does not know I exist as I am. It is more or less a safety net for me. In this case I hope you consider that scenario for you, Nicole and all the rest in your house that JUST now seem to be settling down. To add sd to the mix at this juncture in life to me would be like pouring gasoline on a bon fire. I also want you to think about YOURSELF. You can still love from afar. And I would think if your sd WANTED any contact or COULD have any -she knows how to dial 411 and look up your number - you said yourself you've never had it unlisted. So what has stopped her from calling all these years? </p><p> </p><p>Another thought pops into my head as I'm typing this. If he is manipulative - and they are out of money - he may figure enough time has gone by to where you are SO egar to see those grands and you sd, you would do ANYTHING to keep them close. Once he see's that is a possibility - I think you'll be in for more than you've bargained for. I mean do you think its at ALL possible for them to have used up all the people around them in so many years that now they are considering running a con game on you and husband? Or what if she starts calling and says "But Daddy Kayla won't have shoes, or food or this or that." are you really going to be able to shut the door or turn off the phone and have that thought in the back of your mind? </p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry to be negative Nel - but I've LIVED THIS already in my life and watched how a first rate sociopath manipulated me and my family into giving him money and such. In my mind I thought at the time I was helping my husband. Now looking back I realize I made enablers out of my family and used them for his sake. </p><p> </p><p>Of course you know I'm an eternal optimist so it could turn out and I hope it does for your heart - that they've spent time away, grown up, become drug free, responsible and have had the change of a lifetime. That would be my wish, but my intuition says - You went looking because you loved. </p><p> </p><p>Tell yourself for a while - THE ONLY thing I was trying to do was to see that she was alive - that is ALL I wanted to know. And think about this long and hard before you attempt any contact - even email. In a few words - for the time being? Let it be what it is and let it go for now. </p><p> </p><p>You have my biggest hugs today - thanks for the coffee and cake. Enjoyed hanging in your kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 152968, member: 4964"] Lisa, I think the relief of simply knowing where someone is and the fact that they are alive is the release you needed from this pain. To invite her back or invite more pain by getting involved in her life and the lives of those grandkids in my opinon would be nothing more than asking for trouble. Now don't get upset - I know you love her. I know you love those kids. But the facts are: She chose to run away with boyfriend. She chose to marry him. They are her kids, and despite what comes she's raising them with him they way they want to. You have a ultra mothering side in you that wants to go, get, fix, resolve. Without a doubt it's an admirable quality. I think one line in your post said it all. It said it all for me anyway. And that was the line about Nicole. Where it nearly destroyed her when SD left with the kids. As your friend, I would caution you at this point to invision the worst possible scenario if sd came back into her life and things were little to no different. Only you know what that would be like. I can imagine from the things you've shared what it would be like and it scares the absolute heck outta me. On the other hand (you have 5 fingers) but - you know how manipulative this girl can be. And now you would have the added "bonus" for lack of better word of her HUSBAND. And I'm sure if he held a fascination and control over her as a girlfriend, as a husband (deeming that he could have gotten religion bug) he's not going to be any fun to play with. In abusive homes husbands control things like which family you see and uses the children against the woman. (and can vise versa). So before you strike up a conversation with her or start emailing thinking what harm can it do...think about this. Even in emails you can be manipulated, upset, agrivated. And while I would, as my friend, LOVE to say with great certainty "Lisa I cant' believe you aren't there having lunch and hugging them all." I think this is something you already have that Mommy gut feeling about. I also have someone that I keep tabs on. I do it for my safety. If I follow their internet goings on - I know they are not near me and I am relatively safe. So I can sleep at night. I watch that person - that person does not know I exist as I am. It is more or less a safety net for me. In this case I hope you consider that scenario for you, Nicole and all the rest in your house that JUST now seem to be settling down. To add sd to the mix at this juncture in life to me would be like pouring gasoline on a bon fire. I also want you to think about YOURSELF. You can still love from afar. And I would think if your sd WANTED any contact or COULD have any -she knows how to dial 411 and look up your number - you said yourself you've never had it unlisted. So what has stopped her from calling all these years? Another thought pops into my head as I'm typing this. If he is manipulative - and they are out of money - he may figure enough time has gone by to where you are SO egar to see those grands and you sd, you would do ANYTHING to keep them close. Once he see's that is a possibility - I think you'll be in for more than you've bargained for. I mean do you think its at ALL possible for them to have used up all the people around them in so many years that now they are considering running a con game on you and husband? Or what if she starts calling and says "But Daddy Kayla won't have shoes, or food or this or that." are you really going to be able to shut the door or turn off the phone and have that thought in the back of your mind? I'm sorry to be negative Nel - but I've LIVED THIS already in my life and watched how a first rate sociopath manipulated me and my family into giving him money and such. In my mind I thought at the time I was helping my husband. Now looking back I realize I made enablers out of my family and used them for his sake. Of course you know I'm an eternal optimist so it could turn out and I hope it does for your heart - that they've spent time away, grown up, become drug free, responsible and have had the change of a lifetime. That would be my wish, but my intuition says - You went looking because you loved. Tell yourself for a while - THE ONLY thing I was trying to do was to see that she was alive - that is ALL I wanted to know. And think about this long and hard before you attempt any contact - even email. In a few words - for the time being? Let it be what it is and let it go for now. You have my biggest hugs today - thanks for the coffee and cake. Enjoyed hanging in your kitchen. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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