Decision made about difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by animal lover, Jun 19, 2012.

  1. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    :difficult child: My husband and I had a long talk about our difficult child and we have decided that we are writing him out of our will.
    He will get absoloutely nothing from us. Just what he gave us. My husband talked about going to see him in the fall.
    I told him I didn't feel like getting hurt again:crying: I felt like crying, but thats about how I feel. He realy don't want us
    there any way. So what's the point. It's just too far to go and I am realy tired of the whole thing. have not heard
    from my grandaughter neither. It son't surprise me. there are no holidays or b'days so I guess I won't be hearing from
    her either.
    Do you ever get the feeling that you are bothering someone. I asked my grandaughter one time. How come I have not
    heard from you. She replied I have been too busy. She's not to busy to e-mail me to remind me of her b'day or christmas.

    Yeah, I totaly have had it. Thanks for listening.

    Nanners (ANIMAL LOVER)
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) Nanners

    I'm going to tell you something. Maybe, just maybe, son and granddaughter have been so "spoiled" by your attention to detail and generosity........that they need some time to miss you......some time to learn to appreciate the loving caring person that you are.

    I wonder, at least in part, if that is not what is going on, they're just so used to you always being there they just expect it to be so.

    I know it hurts, but I'd work on not taking it quite so personally. Instead, how about doing something nice for yourself or you and husband for a change? How about looking into something that has interested you for a while and doing it?

    One of the hardest things about "parenting" adult children is that we have to learn along the way to shift our focus off of them and back onto ourselves. This is the period where you and husband are supposed to be enjoying yourselves and being a bit carefree, if you know what I mean.

    So I wouldn't totally give up on them just yet.

    Learning to detach is a process, it takes some time to get the hang of it.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    So sorry you are hurting.

    It is really difficult, when you have to consider severing the bond between parent and child. However dysfunctional it is and however wise it may be to do so, it till hurts. I haven't luckily been in that situation with my child, but it has been tough even when person I have been thinking of cutting out of my life is my father. My relationship with him is very dysfunctional and hurtful and while I have never cut him totally out of my life, I have limited his role in my and especially in my kids life to very small. But it really is difficult to do so.

    I'm also sorry you are hurt by your granddaughters thoughtlessness. But please don't think that it is in anyway your fault. She is in very self-centred age and still young enough to need a lot of parenting on social niceties. You told her mother is not big on them either and it is likely she is not really teaching her daughter better. And believe me, teens often need a lot of parenting to get these things right. I have been very consistently teaching my kids to thank from presents and cards, to remember to keep in touch with relatives, to remember other people on special days from very early on. My easy child is just about to turn 16 and still he needs a lot of nagging to do all that. It's not that he would be ungrateful or mean, he just doesn't really get and remember the importance of these matters. difficult child has been on his own over a year and I only seldom remind him of these things, but it seems he is finally getting a gist of it. He has surprised me pleasantly several times lately over this. So I certainly still have hope with my easy child.

    I'm not saying you should shower her with gifts when she is not showing any appreciation but do not write her of in this regard yet. She may still get it little later on.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    That's actually the one thing I didn't do...

    we severed most ties and all financial obligations...

    but should we drop dead tomorrow; difficult child will be treated the same as his brothers...

    Caveat being that it will be held in a testamentary trust and nothing will be distributed until youngest easy child is 25. I should add that when difficult child was still a easy child and age 18, we made him the guardian of the pcs. At that moment, I was 100 % confident in our choice. How the mighty have fallen! We ended up revising our 1-year old will in March of this year, and I felt a great deal of relief afterwards.

    At this point, difficult child is treated like his brothers. I did not want my very last communication to him (which would be probate, long after death) to be anything less than unconditional love. I don't know if we did the right thing...but I figure we will be dead so it won't matter. LOL
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I don't have much but, to difficult child it would be a fortune. I just redid my will (hadn't updated it since the divorce). Everything is in a trust that she cannot get to, except for funds for school or medical expenses, until she is 30. Myy nephew is trustee and would have to approve any disbursements. He is bulletproof. She won't be fooling him into any bogus payments.

    She's an only, but I think I would have kept her in if here were sibs and they would all have to abide by the age 30 thing.

  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Not sure what the history is but it is clear you are hurting and for that I am truly sorry. Is grand-daughter just doing what dad taught her to do? You deserve better but it seems they do not have it to give. Are you planning to tell them about it? If that is why you are doing this, I imagine it would only make things worse, or if they did turn things around, you would always wonder if they did it for the money. I'd probably not say anything. I'd maybe too wait for a month to make sure this is the step you really want to take. (I have periods when I am more upset and need to give things a chance to be thought through)... If you feel it is the step you are ready for then that is your right. (OK, I admit a little immature part of me thought to make a donation to an orphanage or in your case a pet rescue place or zoo in their names might be a choice.)

    HUGS to you, sorry they are not treating you well. I think Hounds ideas are really smart, you will still grieve and be sad about this loss and change, but focus on yourself. Glad you were able to share.
  7. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi buddy,

    Thank you for your response. We have been talking about changing our will for the past year. I guess we were hoping things would change.
    But it didn't happen. His daughter, he does not communicate with. He said he tried, but my grandaughters mother puts a damper on it
    every time he does and frankly i don't know if he is telling the truth. Like I said in my first thread I don't know who to believe. I do
    believe his ex and her mother put my son down. How much I don't know, cause he don't communicate any thing. I just don't know what to do.
    Thanks for listening

    Animal Lover
  8. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Fortunately my difficult child is an only child. So there are realy no concerns in that matter.
    We just feel he does not deserve it. He has stolen from us many times and treats us very badly.
    What we are talking about doing is setting up a trust for those in the family deserve it.

    He does not care and he and his girl friend are always talking about what they are going to inherit after her parents die.
    It realy made me sick when she said that. Won't she be surprised if she gets nothing. thanks for listening

    Animal lover
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That sways me a little, I can't really put myself in your shoes, but if I try, I'd probably feel the same. I would not want give him money to play with after disrespecting you so much. But I understand what others are saying, that this is a huge step and in the end how it affects you is important. Kind of like how we are told to forgive others for our own well being, not to let them off the hook. I have to look up your other post, I am so sorry I have forgotten the history, but I can't remember if he has any diagnosis or reason for not being able to do better. One idea could be to put money in trust for his 68 or something. Not trying to convince you to do otherwise for his sake, just thinking of how I want to leave this world. With no issues hanging over me. I'd not want to leave with revenge in my heart. But the pain my son causes, is due to severe disabilities, so I have a different perspective. But for you, this may be what brings peace. I am certainly not judging because I have not had your son abuse me like he has abused you. Sounds like he has already received his inheritance in advance anyway. I do think it is lovely you are planning to help family members who need it. And if by some miracle your difficult child grows up and regrets his actions, well a will can be changed until it is needed.

    It sure does sound like difficult child's girl friend is similar..peas in a pod. Too bad.

    I'm sorry for your hurting heart. I am glad you can come here to talk about it, many here have walked in your shoes and will understand that level of hurt. HUGS to you warrior mom. I wish you peace and much brighter days. Now use that money to do something wonderful for yourself and to have some great times with husband!
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I've seen all sorts of creative things done with trusts, that don't put the money in their control but still allows for caring for needs... like:
    - set up a trust to fund long-term care if disabled before age 60... and if he or GD don't need it, it rolls over to funding some related charitable cause?
    - Set up an education trust that funds scholarships in areas GD might study in. She can apply like everybody else... but there is "something" there?

    You have time to research options... and time to get creative.
  11. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Thank you buddy,

    In my heart he has hurt us deeply. he has bought expensive gifts for friends and what he calls a family. they are just leaches to me
    The way I am feeling right now he does not deserve anything. He can't even send an .88 card to us. Why would i even think of leaving him a penny.

    You are very sweet buddy. I just hope no body takes advantage of that. I am sorry for your situation too. Thanks for listening.

    Animal Lover
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We left Kanga $100. God forbid we die anytime soon but she has no concept of money and she'll be happy that we left her something but the bulk of our 'estate' (have to laugh cause it is just typical middle-income assets) goes to our other 3 children (or to help finish raising them if we die in the next few years).

    Animal Lover, please be sure to contact an attorney to ensure that you have written it in such a way that he cannot successfully challenge it.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We adopted a child at age six whom hasn't wanted to see us for six years. He is out of our will. I don't even think he'll know or care when we pass on and we are not in contact with him at all per his choice. I don't feel like giving him anything. It is like we don't even have him as a son anymore. I doubt he'll know or care, but he is already written out of our will. We don't even acknowledge him as our child since he has told us several times that we are not his parents (and not in anger...he means it). I tell people i have four children, not five.

    He has already told us he wants nothing to do with any legalities in the family nor helping Sonic, our disabled son. He wants no responsibility at all. So he also won't get any money and hub and I are very sure of our decision. But, in this case, it is likely we will never see him again. So I'm not sure this is the same as your situation...

    Hugs and you have my support, whatever you do. I would be leaning in your direction.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We tell people we have 3 (not 4) as well. If they vaguely remember Kanga, we say that we had two other daughters that moved onto other placments. (We had a little girl Tigger's age that was a foster-only situation for 6 months when they were 2.)
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This bothers me on many levels. I dont remember your sons age or your granddaughters age but I really think I would put it in some kind of trust for each of them. If you are that angry with your son, especially if he has some sort of mental illness or drug abuse issue, you can set it up with a trustee where he has to prove what he needs it for. As far as granddaughter, she is young I take it. So much can happen. I would definitely set her up with some form of educational trust or something that goes in stages....she gets xxx amount at age 25 if she has completed so many years of post HS schooling or passes X amount of drug tests and is employed full time for at least a year. She gets another amount at age 30 if she continues to be employed or married mother get the language.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have often found that "the will" becomes a common topic as parents age and their children move on to live their own lives. I have a brother who has bequeathed his estate to the University he attended rather than to his children/grands.

    I think it is a good idea to revisit the topic when there are no current feelings of illwill. Most of us have been imperfect parents and raised imperfect children. Sadly none of us can redo the past in hopes of having a happier present or future. We, in fact, have excluded one of our six children from our will. on the other hand it was not done to punish her or cause her emotional trauma. She, literally, has accessed and spent more than her share is likely to be and so her bioson will be receiving her 1/6th. This is not a secret in our family. There was no confrontation or revenge.

    I hope you and your husband can find some new shared pleasures during this stage of your life. Hugs DDD
  17. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi Dammit Janet,
    No, he is not a drug user and does not have any mental illness. He just does not want us in his life.
    Liike I said before. There is no c ommunicatin at all with him. No matter how I try. I have written him called him,
    sent him cards ans no response. It hurts, but I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening..

    Animal Lover
  18. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I don't want to be pushy, but I would like to ask one more question from you. Did I understood correctly and your son isn't involved in his daughters life? If so, is it his choice or your granddaughters or her mothers?

    If he chooses to seclude himself both from his parents and his only(?) child, it is, to me at least, very telling. That is not normal behaviour (of course what is really normal is always a question.) In that case, it is not something you are doing. Has he always been this way and isolated himself or has been open and close with you when he was younger? Do you know what kind of social life he does have now?

    On the other hand with your granddaughter, her thoughtlessness in returning correspondence, not thanking, not having good manners with these matters, is common. Not nice thing of course, but kids and teens often have bad manners if they are not continuously taught, corrected when needed and reminded of good manners. If you suspect manners are not something her mother puts a lot of energy teaching to her, you should probably cut her some slack in judging her character based on her manners.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is exactly how my ex-son behaves toward us. We can not force him to be a part of our family, but since he clearly doesn't want to be, then he isn't going to benefit when we are gone, not that he needs to (he is wealthy). In our case, a small disagreement, with a new wife who is emotional, turned into a blizzard and will never change. I did get to talk to them once in the last six years and that convinced me that they are both not interested in ever seeing us again. In fact wife angrily accused me of going through her church's mediation program to "stalk" them and force them to see me and son said that if we saw each other again at all, it had to be only twice a year at the most and either take place at the church or at a restaurant full of people in which we all payed our own tab. He had a host of other rules too, such as if I called him, I had to leave a message with EXACT details of why he should call back or he won't. It got insulting! It was obviously meant to discourage me and it did. Oh, yes. Wife said she was "afraid" of me. I mean, I did send letters and some were a little harsh due to my frustration that my loving cards and letters went unanswered, but I never threatened anyone nor had I ever yelled at her and Scott had never so much as experienced a slap on the hand while growing up. Man, I'm so scary. She never did explain why she was afraid and I don't really care at this point. It's just insane...I want out now as much as he does.

    I have a should-be grandson they never even told us they'd had. This is a TOTAL cut off and the feelings aren't there for him either anymore. I guess you can actually get THAT detached because we are. He sees nobody in the family except ex and that is because ex is divorced from me, but he doesn't see him much, doesn't treat him well, and still doesn't see ex's (and my) two other children. No cards. No phone calls. Nothing.

    When it's done, it's done. If he shocks us and comes back one day, I am not sure he will be welcomed by anybody. That includes his father and me. H e has been unbelievably is nicer when a child is in contact with you and MEAN than to totally act like you are nothing.

    We raised him from ages six to when he moved out at nineteen and we consider him an exfoster child. It took a long time to get here, but the feelings have disappeared. You must assess your own feelings and what you want him to think (if he thinks) about you in the long term. I know that if we give Scott any money he will just feel we are fools and maybe give it to his very strange church that, although we never said a word to him about, we don't approve of. I would rather donate his share to help needy animals. I am also a huge animal lover.

    Understanding, gentle hugs to you.
  20. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    My younger (mid-40s) sister turned her back completely on her/my parents about a dozen years ago and has encouraged her two sons (one is the difficult child mentioned in my details below) to do the same. Phone calls & voicemails on birthdays and Xmas were never answered or returned. It has been very hurtful for my mother but my father basically accepted it (unhappily) years ago and washed his hands of her. It's much harder to do that with grandchildren, but they've had to make their peace with that too.

    Some adult children are just heartless ****s, frankly. It's a sad fact of life, but there it is. I don't blame you at all for removing him from your will--why answer ostracism and contempt with generosity? Best to just focus your attention on the remaining children and grandchildren. Life is too short to waste time or resources on people who've turned their backs on you.