Decisions

[AmericanGirl]

Hi all,

I need to make some decisions. My brain is churning so I'm going to write it out. Any suggestions welcomed.

He is still in jail. Hearing is Monday at 4pm. Judge can decide to release him without bail.

Charges of public intoxication, disorderly conduct and attempting to allude. None have much jail times. Only fines.

If I charge him with unauthorized use of a vehicle, it can carry 1-12 months in jail. We all know it will be WAY on the short side of that. Plus his drivers license will be automatically suspended for probably 3 months. If I charge him here, they may not go get him due to price of gas. I don't know if that means he would have a warrant out until they happen to find him closer or what? The jail there said the last thing they would do prior to releasing him is look for warrants. Then they asked me if this police dept would come get him. Sounds like he would walk if they wouldn't.

If he comes back here Monday or Tuesday, he would see the judge here Tuesday night. His biggest old playmate will be in court. difficult child was supposed to testify for this idiot but I got DA to decline to call him as he is an unreliable witness.

I think I could go charge him there (90 miles away) even though I filed report here on Friday but don't know if I could get it done by Monday at 4 pm and it might mean I'd have to go to file report and then go back to see Magistrate. I keep remembering my sponsor telling me "If it is for my comfort, then do it."

The benefit of charging him there means he wouldn't get back here to his playground. Plus there are several decent shelters and a couple of halfway houses there. We have nothing.

As for the suspension of the license, it will only complicate matters should he desire to return to recovery. I'm almost to the point of selling the car and saying if you want recovery, get a job near wherever you are and I'll buy you a bike, bus pass, etc. I believe it will be a long time before I want him to drive a vehicle I own.

I'm going to wait a couple of days but believe I should cancel his cell phone and absorb the $350 early termination fee.

I'm exhausted today, physically, emotionally and mentally. I get up a while and then crawl back in the bed.

Hope this made some sense. I feel your prayers...

 

[Calamity Jane]

AG,
I have no valuable advice on what to do with the court stuff, but I'm leaning twd. your charging him down there, because there are shelters there, and he wouldn't be down here to connect with-his playmate.
Also, I think you don't have to cancel his cellphone and absorb that $350 fee. I think you can call the company and shut it off temporarily (I think up to 90 days) at no fee. That's an option that would buy you some time, and save some money, I think.
Hope you regain your strength soon - sleep as much as you need to recharge your batteries.

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with CJ. I would charge him and let him stay where he is . . . it would be safer for you and he could find places to stay. I also think that you should not be letting him drive your car if you know he is drinking again. That is quite a liability for you.

As far as the phone, when my difficult child was still on our family plan (which was years ago), I used to call and get her line suspended for periods of a time at no charge. If he is currently on your family plan, wouldn't that be cheaper than an early termination fee? If it is his own plan, I wouldn't be paying for it anyway. If he doesn't make the payment, it is his problem.

I'm thinking about you and glad you can feel the board prayers.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

I agree about the cell phone. Seems like you could suspend service or buy a new phone and change the service to that phone if you have use for it. You can change the number too.
I don't know about the charges but if you could do it there that seems to make more sense. Are there any drug court programs there?

As.for the car if it's in your name that seems like a huge liability. If you're not comfortable with him driving then either store or sell it. You need some peace of mind.
It can't be easy to make these decisions
I'm glad there are people here who have actually walked in your shoes who can help advise you. Many hugs......

 

[susiestar]

First of all, ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

It is so clear how much you love him and want him to be safe and healthy and NOT for your own sake but for his. I am sorry it is so painful to have your child so sick with addiction.

I think that you need to file the charges. The longer he has some type of supervision the better his chances of hitting bottom and feeling that he needs to make some changes and participate in a recovery plan. I would try to do this in whatever area is farthest from you. I would also ask for the order of protection if you feel he might become violent toward you.

PLEASE don't let him have a vehicle. A bus pass or bike would be a vastly better option. He can seriously hurt himself or others, and the number of fatalties that he could cause by driving under the influence could range from just himself to many, many other people. Sadly it probably would be others before it would be him because intoxicated people are often unable to tense up in response to the accident and they are less likely to be hurt than bystanders or passengers. The LAST thing you want is for him to end up with life in jail because he killed someone in a drunk/high driving accident. I think that as a parent you would be devastated by this, esp if he was driving a vehicle that you own. I have known parents of children (teen and adult) who killed others by driving drunk and the pain, agony and guilt they felt was truly devastating. It went above and beyond any legal responsiblity on their part for letting a person known to abuse substances operate a vehicle that they owned. I have seen marriages break up over this and I know two families where one parent committed suicide because they felt so much guilt over allowing their addicted adult child to use a car and to use that car with their grandchild or grandchildren in it. At the time they gave the adult child the car they were trying to help, but they did not realize the dangers. In both cases it was a situation where they knew on some level that it was dangerous, but they didn't actually think things through to believe that the adult child would put the grandkids in that sort of danger. we always want to think the best of our kids, and we don't want to think they would take chances with their kids. Sadly, sub abuse totally removes all logical thinking on this issue.

I don't want you to have to live through this. I know it is super hard.

 

[Signorina]

"You" are NOT charging him. He chose the break the law. This is not a you versus him thing.

You are refusing to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Not your consequences, the world's consequences. I get that it's out if your hands once you pursue it. But remember, it's never been in your hands. It's always been in his hands. By "charging him" you are putting it back in HIS hands. Where it belongs. This is not a game of hot potato.

I hope I make sense.

XOXO- i know this is HARD

 

[toughlovin]

Hi AG....I am a little confused about him taking the car without permission. I understand the car is in your name but did he come to the car and take it without permission... or was he using the car with the understanding he would pay to get his liscense reinstated or something like that? I think if he came to the house and essentially stole the car then charging him makes sense... if it is purely to make him stay in jail longer then I think it is a mistake.

My feeling is as awful as he is being and as much as he is messing up you want to walk the balance of not enabling him, not protecting him from consequences of his bad behavior but still letting him know you love him. He has gotten himself in trouble without you being involved... chances are that will happen again if he is released. In some ways it is easier when you let the legal system/authorites give him consequences and you just get to be the loving mother who loves him enough not to bail him out but to face the consequences of his own actions.

I think things can get a bit murkier when they see you as the ones bringing charges against him.... if he took the car without permission then it seems like a natural conseunce that you would report that to the police. If instead however it is less clear and at least at the time he had some form of permission then I think he will see that as you trying to get him and I dont think that will help your long term relationship.

Does that make sense?

Your sponser is right... think about what feels good to you. Driving 90 miles seems like a PITA. I think at this point part of letting go is letting the system deal with him however they will. He keeps this up and they will be dealing with him again and again... and eventually they will hold him longer than a few days.

TL

Or did he come to the house and take it completely without permission. Somehow I am missing that detail.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Hi AG....I am a little confused about him taking the car without permission. I understand the car is in your name but did he come to the car and take it without permission... or was he using the car with the understanding he would pay to get his liscense reinstated or something like that? I think if he came to the house and essentially stole the car then charging him makes sense... if it is purely to make him stay in jail longer then I think it is a mistake.

TL, he had permission to use the car but only under specific circumstances. Not to drink or to leave sober house. Officer here actually brought out law book to confirm details. The last thing I said to him on Thursday night was a warning to not use that car to go see other playmates, be stupid, etc. That's all I needed to do to have him as unauthorized use of a vehicle.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Thank you all.

I'm making progress.

Cannot charge him in the his location. Still deciding what to do about signing for the warrant here on Monday.

My al-anon sponsor has a close relative who is a family law attorney near the town where difficult child is. He is contacting her to see if she knows the judge, has advice, etc.

I called a wonderful facility in a nearby state. This place has a widespread reputation of being one of the best in the country. (My sponsor's dad went there.) They will take him. We did preadmit. The doctor has done preliminary treatment plan. On Monday, we will deal with insurance, etc. It is about 7-8 hours from difficult child and 5-6 from me. I want to be ready should difficult child ask for help. He gets ONE OPTION.

Tomorrow, I am going through his stuff and getting a bag ready. All this may be in vain but I pray not. Unless he ends up dead or in prison, he will come back for help. Just a matter of time.

This place is more restrictive. difficult child cannot call during 4-5 weeks of treatment. They use two sober houses after that. He cannot have a cell phone or a vehicle unless he has been there about a year. They walk or ride bikes to work. Am cancelling difficult child from my insurance Monday. No need to spend that money. Selling car in spring when prices are higher. Besides, the car is likely a trigger for him of his old life. If he ever gets to the point I am willing to help him again, we will deal with that then.

Am hoping they might hold him long enough for him to be ready to go. Going to tell judge we have a bed waiting. Praying the costs aren't so high that I cannot do it. I am not willing to put my financial security in total disarray to find difficult child decided to leave right after my non-refundable check cleared the bank. Know what I mean??

 

[DDD]

I'm sending hugs your way. Sorry I just can't send advice. in my humble opinion what you choose to do or choose not to do has to be based on YOU and your comfort level. Believe me I do understand the trauma and the anguish. Bottom line, tho, is what decision will allow you to move on knowing you feel right about it. As always, DDD

 

[buddy]

Wow you did alot of work and it sounds like you have your bottom line. I pray he accepts treatment and if not that you find peace in knowing you are doing your very best for him.