Defeated....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Apr 13, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    So it's 7pm and oldest son is still in bed.

    I went downstairs for the first time in a long time and it's worse than I even remember. You can't see the floor for clothes and garbage, and there is weed on the desk. It made me feel physically sick.

    He told his father the other day he is very depressed.

    I can see he is, but at what point do we force him to seek help?

    I know that he is done exams next week. I think as soon as they are done we need to do something. I'm not even sure how he will write his exams. He isn't well.

    I'm so tired. I work two jobs and he can't even get out of bed.

    I have a 12hour shift this weekend at the youth home, and I am exhausted even thinking of it. I told the director I can't continue to work every weekend when I originally agreed to one weekend a month as a casual.

    I have worked almost every weekend since Xmas. And all my money went to the drug dealer.

    I am getting angry. I am so sad and feel like I'm a crazy person to keep living like this. I know you all probably think I enable him, and I do too. I just don't know how to make it better. I want him to step up but he is so depressed I don't know if he can.

    I feel like I'm in a bad dream.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Col, I'm sorry. And you know how I feel. No need to repeat it
    Only he can get himself help. You can't insist he do it. I forgot the drugs he uses but drug use makes one depressed. Weed too. Alcohol. He is certainly not too depressed to get out of bed to buy weed. How does he afford it?

    Going for "help" only works if they want it more than you want it for them. Yes, more. Perhaps you can threaten him into going, say, to a counselor and he goes to get you off his back. That's not good enough to spark any improvement if only you and not himself is motivated to change.

    I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. Nothing will change, better or worse, until one of you decides to change the current dynamics. How, when, what, if...all that is up to you as you can't control your son. Here's hoping you can find something that brings you peace.

    Warm thoughts to your family.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ugh. I am sorry Colleen. This is what I would hear from my two. They knew what to tell me to yank my heartstrings. Perhaps, they were depressed, but it didn't seem to stop them from going out and partying. I got tired of going off to work as they slept. I had no idea what they did all day, but would come home to a mess.
    It was awful, and frustrating.
    Holding you in my thoughts.
    I know it is really tough.
    I was stuck, and so were they.
    Whatever you do is your decision.
    We will be here.
    You are not alone.
    You will figure this out and it will be okay.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    My husband went down to see him when he got home. I can't seem to talk to him as he says I stress him out.

    He came up and said he has been studying but is tired from stopping drugs, somehow he doesn't consider pot a drug, and cutting out drinking.

    He thinks I am never satisfied with him. That he isn't dealing or doing hard drugs and I'm still mad. Maybe I am. Why wouldn't I be?

    I don't know. I'm leaving it up his farher for now. He gave him two hours to start cleaning up the basement. He is doing it.

    I think I need to step back for a while. I feel like I'm losing my own sanity.

    I may need to boycott Facebook too. Another of his high school friends moms just posted he is accepted to Medical school, and another has an engineering coop.

    Why do I let that stuff chip away at me? I guess because I know how smart my son is, and that he was on that road at one time.

    I have to mourn my dreams and accept he will have his own, and they may not look anything like mine.

    Thank you for the kind words Leafy and SWOT .... I appreciate you both taking time to respond to my pathetic rant......
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2016
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It's not pathetic Sis, it is a hurting, sad, mad, confused heart. I think stepping back is a good solution. Let Dad deal with it for awhile.
    Go have a nice cup of something somewhere else. Do something for you. Find a hobby, or something for you.
    Take your focus off of this and take a break.
    We all need R&R from the frontline.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Colleen; it sounds like you are where I was at a few months ago. I would let him finish his classes since it's so close and then give him an ultimatum of move out OR go to rehab. I knew my son would have to go to a shelter if he "moved out" but I did not know how else to stop the madness and I was desperate. It worked for us because he did go to rehab. And even though he said he was only going because we "made him" I did not care. He needed help and we knew it and we needed a break. We knew we had to follow through and I was terrified because he was the kid that never even wanted to spend the night at someone else's house. He always wanted to be home, in his own bed.

    I finally realized I couldn't fix it and I couldn't go on like that anymore; with all of that in my home.

    You have to do what you feel is best but I hate to see your posts and how much you are suffering. I know that pain and it's horrible and no way to live - for him either.
     
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Colleen, I have been where you are now and it really really hurts, like a pit in my stomach. I had to mourn the dream of my daughter going to college and making a successful life also. Every time I saw or heard about one of her friends that was doing well in college or getting a good job and moving on with their lives I relived the pain. It took me years to stop wishing for what was not going to happen.

    Of course he is depressed. When my daughter was using pot all the time she slept a great deal. She had no motivation and seemed very depressed. I did have to make her leave out house after it was apparent nothing else was working. There were times when she texted us and said she was going to kill herself (she was a drama queen and this was not unusual for her). We had to tell her we loved her and hoped she didn't do that but that she was killing herself with drugs and alcohol.

    I would never tell you what to do, we each have to do what we feel comfortable with, but I don;t think your son is going to suddenly decide to stop using pot and turn his life around without some significant event happening. It may come to giving him an alternative of getting help or finding another place to live. That's the only thing that help my daughter.

    Every time I read one of these stories here it makes me angrier that so many people think pot is harmless. It isn't to many of our kids.
     
  8. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    Colleen, Your story sounds so similar to mine. "only" using Pot (and then drinking on occasion). My son too, is in college, but when he is home, he lives exactly the way yours does (mine is turning 21 very soon, which makes me even more concerned). Because of some recent issues, I have told my son that he cannot live at home this summer when he is on break. I just can't have the behavior and issues here any longer, as I have two other sons who have to see and hear it (18 and 12). I have no idea what he will do for the summer, but I had to recently tell him that my days of enabling him (trying to help him solve his problems) are over, and he is on his own. It's going to be so hard. But please know, you are not alone! It is helpful to me to hear from others here with so much experience. It's also helpful to hear that I am not alone in how I feel- I completely share your "Facebook" issues- it's that time of year again, and though my son is in college finally, it's no where near what it "should have been", but I have recently learned to just accept that.
    Hang in there!
     
  9. Wisconsingirl1818

    Wisconsingirl1818 New Member

    Defeated thank you for sharing
    We allow the stuff chop away because these are our children our babies. Our worst fears and we have no control. We are helpless. I know that pain!! The guilt. The stress
    My prayers are with u
    Colorado mom
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im being nitpicky here, WG ;) but we need to remember that our adult kids are NOT our babies anymore. Of course we love them always, but if we look at them and remember them cooing or handig us dandelions at age ten, it is harder to deal with the adult men and women that thet are.

    They are old enough to legally make their own decisions, buy a house, go to college and fight for our country. Yes, they were our babies once, but they aren't anymore. in my opinion its best to remember that. Again jmo.
     
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