Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Defiance - I don't know
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 222714" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>I do believe in spankings. I understand your frustrations and how you got to that point.</p><p></p><p>I also think that when many of our difficult children do receive the spankings, it works against us. They do not always connect the spanking to a way to take notice of their actions. They only see it as our reaction. We spanked them and in their eyes that is wrong and we have wronged them. Another reason to add to their anger.</p><p></p><p>I went through many years of overreacting in anger toward my children's anger and hatefulness and defiance. I am trying very hard to use another approach.</p><p></p><p>You are seeing a pattern of this behavior upon return from his father's? Something is going on. It doesn't mean something bad is happening. It may just be he has trouble transitioning. You can talk to his dad and ask what activities they do and what your son's attitude is during the weekend.</p><p></p><p>He may also need quiet time to unwind/transition back. Try to keep him isolated from siblings and other people for an hour or so. Direct him to play on his own for a short time. Maybe this can be his computer time or movie or just playing by himself with toys?</p><p></p><p>If you start a conversation about his weekend (or anything else) and he seems grumpy, wait until later and try again. He may not want to talk yet. I am finding that in my difficult child after school. He doesn't want to answer questions right away.</p><p></p><p>Do you remember how you feel when you are wanting quiet time and everyone keeps bugging you? I had this going on this morning - I wanted to scream - at one point I did tell difficult child that I justed wanted everyone to leave me alone for awhile. The longer they would distract me, the angrier I got and took that much longer for me to calm down. </p><p></p><p>I think it would be o.k. for you to sit with him today and talk about yesterday. "difficult child, yesterday was so hard for both of us. Can we talk about what could have made it easier? How can we politely let people know that you do not want a hug? It is o.k. for them not to hug you, but we need to find a polite way of declining one." then, "The ride home was also no fun. What was going on there?" "Do you really want to be mean to your family?" "I want to help make life easier for you but you need to let me know in a calm polite way when you need time alone or what is bugging you."</p><p></p><p>Try to take issues off the personal level and look at them objectionally. The less you can bring your emotions into it, the easier it will be for your child to look at their own actions. For now, your son is watching your reactions and is having a hard time finding an answer on how to change things.</p><p></p><p>Again, I want to assure you that I went through similar things for many years. I think the hardest thing is that in our fast pace world we want the result ASAP. With our kids, it takes lots of patience and consistency. Even though it may look like we lost a battle, we may have won it in the long run. </p><p></p><p>My daughter would be defiant a lot. She made my life miserable in her attitude about rules. However, I soon learned that as she was always pushing different ones, she hardly ever disobeyed the ones we had the biggest fights about. For example, if I told her she was not to play in a certain area in the yard, she would scream and holler and refuse time outs, ect. at that time but she did not play in that area again. She would just find a new thing to get me angry.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helped to some degree. I don't have experience in the ADHD or ODD world. Others will be along soon that can help with those questions. I just wanted to support you and maybe give you an option to try. I believe in positive instructions. Keep things as non-personal as possible. Instead of saying, "Get your coat on, it's time to go." Try, "Time to go! Everyone ready?" I always think about it as how would you ask a guest to do something or be ready at a certain time? We would ask or give info in a very positive way.</p><p></p><p>Good luck - I know this is hard. I do believe in spankings but be aware of how they are being received.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 222714, member: 5096"] I do believe in spankings. I understand your frustrations and how you got to that point. I also think that when many of our difficult children do receive the spankings, it works against us. They do not always connect the spanking to a way to take notice of their actions. They only see it as our reaction. We spanked them and in their eyes that is wrong and we have wronged them. Another reason to add to their anger. I went through many years of overreacting in anger toward my children's anger and hatefulness and defiance. I am trying very hard to use another approach. You are seeing a pattern of this behavior upon return from his father's? Something is going on. It doesn't mean something bad is happening. It may just be he has trouble transitioning. You can talk to his dad and ask what activities they do and what your son's attitude is during the weekend. He may also need quiet time to unwind/transition back. Try to keep him isolated from siblings and other people for an hour or so. Direct him to play on his own for a short time. Maybe this can be his computer time or movie or just playing by himself with toys? If you start a conversation about his weekend (or anything else) and he seems grumpy, wait until later and try again. He may not want to talk yet. I am finding that in my difficult child after school. He doesn't want to answer questions right away. Do you remember how you feel when you are wanting quiet time and everyone keeps bugging you? I had this going on this morning - I wanted to scream - at one point I did tell difficult child that I justed wanted everyone to leave me alone for awhile. The longer they would distract me, the angrier I got and took that much longer for me to calm down. I think it would be o.k. for you to sit with him today and talk about yesterday. "difficult child, yesterday was so hard for both of us. Can we talk about what could have made it easier? How can we politely let people know that you do not want a hug? It is o.k. for them not to hug you, but we need to find a polite way of declining one." then, "The ride home was also no fun. What was going on there?" "Do you really want to be mean to your family?" "I want to help make life easier for you but you need to let me know in a calm polite way when you need time alone or what is bugging you." Try to take issues off the personal level and look at them objectionally. The less you can bring your emotions into it, the easier it will be for your child to look at their own actions. For now, your son is watching your reactions and is having a hard time finding an answer on how to change things. Again, I want to assure you that I went through similar things for many years. I think the hardest thing is that in our fast pace world we want the result ASAP. With our kids, it takes lots of patience and consistency. Even though it may look like we lost a battle, we may have won it in the long run. My daughter would be defiant a lot. She made my life miserable in her attitude about rules. However, I soon learned that as she was always pushing different ones, she hardly ever disobeyed the ones we had the biggest fights about. For example, if I told her she was not to play in a certain area in the yard, she would scream and holler and refuse time outs, ect. at that time but she did not play in that area again. She would just find a new thing to get me angry. I hope this helped to some degree. I don't have experience in the ADHD or ODD world. Others will be along soon that can help with those questions. I just wanted to support you and maybe give you an option to try. I believe in positive instructions. Keep things as non-personal as possible. Instead of saying, "Get your coat on, it's time to go." Try, "Time to go! Everyone ready?" I always think about it as how would you ask a guest to do something or be ready at a certain time? We would ask or give info in a very positive way. Good luck - I know this is hard. I do believe in spankings but be aware of how they are being received. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Defiance - I don't know
Top