Defiant Child - Part 2

Discussion in 'General Parenting Archives' started by -, Nov 8, 2000.

  1. Guest

    5. THE FULL RILEY p.47
    Step One: ~if behavior escalates you do not respond physically but tell the teen that they will return to an empty room and things may not return.
    ~the teen will have to earn them back with good behavior.
    ~phone, tv, transportation, money, long showers, soft drinks, snack,
    favorite clothes, everything will be denied them except a set of clothes, a mattress and blanket, and have to be earned back.
    Step Two: ~if there is any physical violence the police will be called and you will press charges.
    ~usually on probation and have to do community service
    Step Three: **it is equally important to praise your child for making a smart decision if he chooses to back down or calm down
    ~ parents own everything in the house, under 18 yr. children don't own anything even if the kid buys it
    ~obvious enforcer-trips to mall, transportation, tangible items, allowance
    ~subtle reminders-long showers, cool clothes, snacks, what's up on walls ability to have job.
    ~parents have the obligation to insist that the children leave the nest with a certain set of rules, such as the ability to read and write, maintain a conversation, critical reason and conduct themselves in a way that poses no risk to others.
    ~it's reasonable to let them express themselves-within reasonable limits.
    6. parents must remain in control of themselves
    ~if parents are yelling then NO one is in control [​IMG]
    7. parents cannot be held hostage by threats
    ~take your children's threats very seriously
    ~acting upon child's threats by getting them to doctor, or calling police shows child that the parent is in charge and will do whatever is necessary
    ~it tightens the structure around the child
    ~kid may freak, but it will make her feel safer and more contained
    8. humor is more powerful than muscles
    ~ONCE YOU GET ANGRY THEY KNOW JUST HOW TO RESPOND with their usual meltdown
    ~ [​IMG] they keep acting out to try and get you mad-so they can get in the familiar grove
    ~teens are not mature enough to defy you without trying to hurt you-but they [​IMG] respect adults who have a sense of humor
    ~ODD kids are experts in getting us angry
    ~but in truth they are just kids floundering around in an attempt to become powerful
    ~life is smoother if you enjoy their attempts and approach with a sense of
    humor
    9. a child's attempt to gain power is healthy
    ~ some kids grab for power in a clumsy manner
    ~ODD kids go overboard
    ~the ODD kid doesn't doesn't stop to think that power is negotiable or earned
    ~their "power" is increased as they learn healthy ways to heighten their awarness of self, through positive experiences
    **it is not the ODD kid's drive for power that is problematic, but the strategies he uses to obtain it*** [​IMG]
    10. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO MAKE YOUR CHILD MISERABLE
    ~ODD kids have an innate ability to ignore reason and logic, talking or yelling at them has little impact
    **when the ODD kid feels he can defeat his parents-the parents must be willing to devote themselves to proving that they are willing to make him unhappy.
    ~if you don't respond with strong medicine he gets the message his behavior is fine.
    a. the first step in making them miserable is to surprise them! catch them off guard!
    ~take all their things when they are out of the house
    b.*** always give the child a way out of the miserable option
    ~if they behave they won't need to be miserable
    c. discuss with your teen your plan-punishments & rewards
    11. TALKING TO AN OPPOSITIONAL TEEN p. 63
    ~ give explanations as to why these restrictions are falling into place
    ~gives them a chance is to provide the child with reason and logic, and hope they will understand and change behaviors without consequences
    ~express them as fact not as an opening for argument
    ~state the rule, (how you want them to act)the reward and the punishment ~it gives them an out, an a new behavior to replace the old ones.
    ~ do these things in a private setting
    ~eliminates kid acting out to show off
    ~doesn't embarrass them
    ~there is logic to an ODD kid; talk act and think oppositionally as their first line of defense in a world they view as hostile toward them.
    ~therefore don't expect them to open up easily

    **YOUR JOB AS A PARENT IS TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY SEE THE WORLD & WHY THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO, EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. *******
    ~don't over explain
    12.. give clear messages about negative behaviors and their costs.
    ~ODD kids need to know their actions have consequences.
    **you have to find a way to prove to him that you will provide consequences over and over and over and over. remember he believes he can outlast you!
    13. ask moral questions
    **if your child acts oppositionally but can give you reasonable answers to your questions and has a tendency to moderate his behavior at school or elsewhere the battle is already won!
    ~this tells you he knows right from wrong, but is having difficulty implementing it at home, which is a common pattern
    14. avoid the oppositional trap
    ~ODD kids are better than anyone else at being oppositional
    ~if we aren't ODD-we will lose every argument
    ~they keep trying to get you to argue, cause that is what they know best.
    15. find a time to talk to kid when you can be alone, when h/she is in a good mood, when tension is low
    ~explain oppositional behavior (talk about someone kid knows)
    ~ask how oppositional behaviors get him into trouble
    ~praise him for what he can offer about his behavior
    ~give child a way and a reason to accept replacement behaviors
    ~tell kid not to think of it as changing behaviors as failing but as becoming bilingual & will increase their chances of getting what he wants
    ~see page 76-77 for replacement thoughts and behaviors.
    ~admire their attempts to be strong, because they view their behaviors as fighting for their rights.
    ~it is the way they choose to stand up for themselves that is the problem
    **remember oppositional arguing by kids is really an attempt to communicate, regardless of the fact that it is a failed attempt.***

    end of Part 2.......part 3 is coming soon-stay tuned!
     
  2. Guest

    Oh this is so good!

    Will be helpful to alot of the new parents on the board seeking information on the Full Riley.
     
  3. Guest

    I SURE HOPE SO! [​IMG]

    HOW DO WE GET IT INTO ONE OF THOSE PLACES THAT CAN BE ACCESSIBLE ALL THE TIME?

    THEN WE COULD REFER THEM RIGHT TO IT?????

    ------------------
    Ellenkath, AKA: DRAMA MAMA, Mom of: male difficult child 15 yr.Diagnosed ADHD at 10 yr. Recently diagnosed ODD, possible emerging bi-polar. In day treatment program since spring 2000. Male easy child 18 yr.
    Co-facilitator for a Parents Helping Parents support group
    Are we having fun yet?? "He who laughs, lasts." M.P. Poole
     
  4. Guest

    Hi Ellen,

    I have long been a Riley fan. It has worked for us and so naturally I think he is wonderful [​IMG].

    If you would like I will ask Abbey where she thinks would be a good place to save this. I hesitate putting it in archives because there is quite a lot in there now and although I think this needs a permanent home I am afraid some day we may need to do something to archives. My suggestion would be to put it into a format where Abbey can put it into either a book repost or the Articles section of the home page. When you are finished with this let me know and I will see what can be done.

    ------------------
    Nancy
    13 yo easy child/9 yo difficult child daughters
     
  5. Guest

    great!!! thanks!!
    i'll let ya know. hope to be finished soon............

    i think we ought to have a welcome letter that can be shot out to new members giving them some basic info??? what do ya tyhink??

    ------------------
    Ellenkath, AKA: DRAMA MAMA, Mom of: male difficult child 15 yr.Diagnosed ADHD at 10 yr. Recently diagnosed ODD, possible emerging bi-polar. In day treatment program since spring 2000. Male easy child 18 yr.
    Co-facilitator for a Parents Helping Parents support group
    Are we having fun yet?? "He who laughs, lasts." M.P. Poole
     
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