Demanding little difficult child!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Andy, Apr 26, 2008.

  1. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Do any of your difficult child's demand (not ask, but demand) that you come to them whenever they want (not need) anything? If my difficult child wants something, I want him to come to me, not whine, demand, threaten: "Mom, get in here or else!" "Mom, you have 20 seconds to get in here!" You would think after 9 years of this not working, it would have stopped by now! I usually go into his room say, "If you want something, you come find me." and then walk away. (I can tell when he really needs something or is just trying to be controlling).

    We have a blizzard going on today so it is cold out and I can't send him out to his tree or to play. I still have no idea what he wanted but I was in another room while he was in the living room when I heard, "Mom, come here!" "Mom, you have 20 seconds to come or I will put Bella (puppy) outside" "O.K., you have 5 seconds" "OK, Bella is outside" "Mom, she is cold" "OK Mom, I guess I have to keep the door wide open" (he let puppy in because he can't bring himself to hurt puppy) "O.K., I will open the windows until you get here."

    At this point, I refuse to address whatever he wanted me for in the 1st place. I am going to address the stupid behavior of threatening me until I do as he says. So, I slammed the doors and windows shut and sent him to his bedroom. I told him he is to stay in there until I calm down. He is never ever to threaten me. I am not his personal slave and he needs to treat me with respect, not like a bag of dirt (or should I say bag of fertilizer?).

    So, I guess today's lesson will be on how to ask for something without making the person you are asking of feel like a dirt bag.

    Oh, and he has still not breathed a word of what started this. It couldn't have been important or he would have thrown it in my face with "But Mom, I need to tell you something". I think he is just bored with this blizzard weather and looking for attention. With 6 plus inches of snow and more on its way, I guess I am not going anywhere either so on with this battle.

    I am calming down and he has been quiet in his room (not sure if that is a good sign or not) so it is about time to go face the music and see if he can think of how he should have gotten my attention without the demands and threats.
  2. Christy

    Christy New Member

    First of all, SNOW!!! It is 85 degrees here in Maryland. WOW.

    Secondly, YES my difficult child is constantly demanding and needs his "needs" met immediately. Some of our biggest meltdowns come from him being told to wait a minute. He screams "Mommmmmmmm!!!!!" at the top of his lungs and expects me to come a runnin!
    He also makes statements like I better do it or else or if you don't let me you'll be sorry. Parenting is such a joy! There should be a diagnosis like Center of the Universe Complex or the Sun Revolves Around Me Syndrom.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has your child ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? Is he always very obsessive about time and doing things in his own way? How was his early development?
    Although this is not the norm for a typical child, it IS the norm for certain disorders.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    We have not had a neuropsychologist evaluation. He was a very easy going baby. He had a ton of ear infections as an infant and the number of infections greatly reduced when he was about 2 1/2 yrs old. He had a hearing loss at age 5 and was just diagnosised with another hearing loss a few weeks ago.

    We have just ruled out Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) this week but are still looking at possibilities. His psychiatrist states he has very deep anxiety. I think his 17 yr old diva sister has added alot to this. She has not been the best of sisters which hurts because she is awesome with every other child in the world and difficult child adores her. If she would show just a tad of that kindness to her brother what a world of difference it would make. But she is a pure diva and anything not to her advantage or attention at home gets the snob treatment.

    I am waiting until June to ask to start taking him off Clonazepam which is suppose to be short term. If he starts getting migranes and auras as he comes off this, we will look at a seizure disorder again (though the peds neurologist is certain this is only a migraine variant, she wants to rule out anything more serious - great to have docs wiling to take that step) He is also on Fluxetine (? spelling). These two medications have worked wonders for him.

    The medication doctor states that if difficult child is committed to learning about his anxiety and how to control it, there is a possibility of going no medications or very minimal by the time he is 18 yrs old. But then again, at the medication doctor 1st visit (before difficult child's breakdown) he also mentioned that we may be able to handle this without medications at all. I feel good that this is a minimal dosage medication - he will find just the right dose and no more.

    I am so interested in hearing more possibilities. I really don't know what is normal behavior and what is not. If this is not normal for a typical child but does show as behavior for certain disorders, I would like to learn what these disorders are.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I should add, difficult child did have delayed speech - had speech therapy when he was 2 1/2 - didn't know at that age he still could have had it through the school system so we paid. Yearly testing from then until about 3rd grade - he has been border line with mild improvements from year to year. Does anyone think I should ask for this to be tested again?

    Tubes in ears at age 6.

    EEG, MRI, Chest X-ray, EKG, oxygen test and breathing test all this fall. Had breathing problems this fall - he had gotten so weak and didn't feel he was getting enough air. He was also having very mlld chest pain. He is so strong now I had forgotten this.
  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    my difficult child II makes demands to not just me but anyone. While in hospital he told his female SW "she will do what he says", she laughed at him, untiol she realized he wasn't joking. My difficult child II is extremely demanding in every way shape and form. He does not like to be told "no" either, sigh............
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How do you handle those moments?

    He hasn't told teachers what to do, however, he did refuse another request this week (2X in one month). The kids were arguing about difficult child proclaiming to be King of the Chocolate Bar sales (and he was, selling 6 boxes to everyone else's 2 - 3). He was proud of that and when he shared his happiness to the class, they shut him down with, "Stop bragging". One girl came to ask me to make him stop. I told her he wants to let them know that he is able to do things. I went with her and in front of her told him, "O.K. you may tell everyone one time how you feel. They heard you and if they choose to be mean about it then you need to walk away." Not exactly what the girl thought I would say. I talked to the teacher about it before class so she was prepared for the class. She asked the boys if they were done with that conversation, "Yes, yes, yes, I am not answering until E answers" Guess who gave the last answer? "I am asking the boys first." "I am not answering until E answers." I talked to the teacher after school and let her know that I would talk to him about that. I also discussed with the teacher that I thought about it all day and wished I answered the kids differently. I told her that when someone tells you something good about themselves, wouldn't a friend be supportive and say "Good for you" instead of telling you to stop bragging? The day would have gone better if that had been the case. The teacher agreed and I asked that if she had a chance some time to talk to the kids about how to properly respond to "bragging". I think friends should be able to share good news with each other and those friends should respond in a supportive way. I then talked to difficult child and told him he needed to end the conversation and say "Yes" to the teacher and then if E brought it up again he could take it to teacher, "You asked us to end this and E won't drop the subject."

    I am looking for ideas on what to do during the demanding moments. And what can I suggest to the teachers to do for these refusals to follow a directive? I think they need to let him know that they do understand how he is feeling but he still has to obey orders. We are finding it takes longer for him to understand all view points and why teachers are asking him for certain things. At the moment he is so stubborn and angry but in a few hours after calming down, we can talk and explain to him why the teacher asked that of him.
  8. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    sadly I do not "handle" these moments, I survive them, my difficult child II has no off switch, once he's in "the mode" it has to run it's course, no reward or consequence will snap him out of it, it is almost like a split personality.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ack! I was born in St. Paul. Now I remember why I moved!

    I would not slam the windows shut. He's creating things for YOU to do and all you're doing is cleaning up after his chaotic messes.
    I would make difficult child shut the windows (I would also put the puppy in another rm with-a locked door so difficult child cannot use it as leverage, and even send puppy to a friend's house for the wk, so difficult child has to earn it back).

    My son does the same thing. He just tried it yesterday. I said, "NO"! loudly and clearly. Sometimes I give a reason, (I have to use the bathroom) and other times I'll say, "Are you shouting at me?" and deliberately walk away. Most of the time I stay put, reading a magazine or whatever (or I invent something, just so I stay in one spot so he can come to me) and he eventually shows up. I have to outlast him, to show him how it works.

    I have also told my son the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. If you keep demanding that I show up and it's some little thing like you can't find your baseball CD because you're too lazy, and I've helped you NOW a million times, what happens when you cut yourself and need stitches and you need me NOW and I ignore you?
    He's just starting to "get it." It takes a while.

    Start by not shutting the windows for him. :)