depression is hard to function in at times

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 10, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning to everyone,

    it's a rainy grose sunday a.m. here in new york, i can se the sun trying to find it's way thru the clouds. yet id rather it rain then i have an excuse not to do the pile of laundry or go food shopping, etc.

    i've been struggling for past few mos. now. as many do. alot of things hit me at one time i became incredibly overwhelmed by it all. between moving in august, then my family disowning me in august due to us moving, then the kids both with various issues, issues in our relationship boyfriend and i. now fighting with doctor's for testing, etc. fighting with older difficult child, all sort so stuff.

    my therapist has said i'm depressed so did psychiatric. yet i'm trying to steer clear of medication's for myself because of all i have coming up with little difficult child and i don't wanna not have a clear head ive never taken anything except for xanax on occassion. i began having anxiey attacks when my baby well my almost 9 year old started going off the charts. i'd get on train in the morning knowing how far away i'd be from here and have severe panic attacks then at work as well. always waiting for the nurse to call. wondering what trains i could get out to go to her. being in lock down mode for a period of time when i know she needed me. it's a horrible feeling. i'm getting that feeling again i've been home for while now not at office tmrw i'm supposed to go in i can already feel the nervousness coming over me at the thought of getting on a train and being 2 hours away from her and nowmy older difficult child who is having severe pro blems. it's like a mental block.

    my boyfriend and i sat last night we were supposed to go out when he got home but i was too tired it was 11 p.m. he owns rest. and my body can't always handle his hours. so he began ripping into me calmly at first then got pretty intense with it. regarding me how i've been not taking care of myself. we haven't been together that long so he started asking me when was the last time i had physical, got mammo i have various issues in that dept. that have to be monitored regularly, etc. i started telling him and he said ok right now while all this is going on you need to take care of you. i said i don't know what that means. he said the only time you get a hair cut is when you get the kids hair cut. you seem to feel guilty to do anything for you. i said yup that's how i feel guilty if i take me time at all ever. he said you'd better start taking care of you, i've had lump in my breast for several months this is par for course with me. i've already had partial masectomy and it wasnt' even cancer, various ican't even think of word right now when they test it for cancer.

    so anyway he said iknow by tmrw you'll forget all of which i'm saying to you. i started to cry and he said oh man i've made you cry again why are you crying. i said because i'm sad, it's sad i used to be such a vibrant happy positive person. i used to get up in the morning full of life excited to start my day that's not who i am anymore. i have my good moments and i do what i have to do but it's different its like a little cloud over me duling it all out most of the time. sometimes i feel disconnected from it all, my judgement's off at times. i think of her testing date stayign far away in hotel alone with her it's weird i feel like ica'nt trust me anymore like i used to be able to all the time.

    now see what i'm writing and posting weird thing is this will change in little while once i force myself to load up truck with laundry have another cup of coffee and get down to business. al i want to do is take a break lay on couch watch movies not stress about anything. not get our house ready for the hectic week coming up with five kids in it monday and wednesday.

    oh well such is life it just always feel like there's a chore to be done, groceries to buy which i have to do that as well. so basically my last free day with out little difficult child who is with dad older one is home with me will be spent running around doing laundry food shopping carrying heavy bags up and down stairs. i have bad back too so i'm sure i'll be in pain tomorrow.

    sorry to be so gloomy on a beautiful sunday morning. oh and another thing alot of people say i seem to be exhibiting my little difficult child's behaviors. isn't that strange? her old pyschdoc said it, boyfriend said it a close friend.........

    thanks for letting me vent once again it helps

    jenn :)
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member probably dont want to hear this but...your boyfriend is right! You need to take care of you first. I am not very good at it either. Now Im pretty much disabled. Ok...not pretty much...I am disabled.

    You say people say you exhibit your youngest childs could well be that you share common genes and some common diagnosis that you havent explored yet. I didnt get my bipolar diagnosis until my youngest son was diagnosed with it. Until then I really didnt understand bipolar and I surely wasnt going to go in and tell some stranger some of the more "crazy" things I had done. That scared me too badly. Shame too because it just denied me help for many years.

    I was also in my late 30s when I got diagnosed. It was the best thing I ever did for both myself and my family. Please...if you are feeling overwhelmed then talk to a doctor. medications can help so much. They dont have to cloud your mind. They can help you deal with everything in a much better frame of mind.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    yup i am struggling. just afraid to go on medication's becuase i have her evaluation coming up and i don't want to be loopy in anyway at all, or questionning ok how do i feel on these medication's i'm just trying to get through.

    i have often wondered about myself to be honest, life has thrown as i'm sure you know how it is alot of things at me and my moods changed due to the pressure, etc.

    yet i have recognized a few behaviors or let's say things i've experienced;

    i tend to spend money when stressed i've noticed (irresponsible behavior); won't necessarily be on me, mostly kids yet spending money when i know i shouldn't as of late and through the years.

    i also have moments of extreme happiness hard to explain how those moments feel but their very powerful haven't had them much lately yet through the course of my time its almost europhic on some level. it could be a sunset i look at or hte stars at night or driving in the summer in my truck over hte bridge where we used to live smelling the ocean we live on the beach. those moments when it feels as though everything is simply perfect. it'sa great feeling.

    also there have been times periods i guess when things calm somewhat where i've had great ideas, money making ideas, etc. have never finished through with any of them. ideas are def. creative people have told me so yet i lack the ability to see it through. when the high ends so does the ability to finish through with it.

    yet most people have said i run pretty consistent wtih my moods. i don't go into manic state for days and am awake. yet i do remember last year when there was alot of stress mounting i had too much energy i couldn't sleep at night had to take sleepiong pills. i was very restless. now i'm always tired.

    i'm afraid to looking into me at this point. i think we can all exhibit traits of various things, and tack anything onto ourselves don 't you think???

    if you don't mind me asking what types of things did you experience prior to your diagnosis?

    right now i have to push myself to do just about anything i truly do. it soo stinks i miss myself so very much. that happy outgoing secure person i was seems like thing of past i look in mirror it's same woman but totally different make up.

    my pysch has told me i'm a survivor, that it's normal to be depressed right now with all this going on it's alot to handle.

    yet my boyfriend said to me that i obsess over stuff. if he makes a mistake and could be minimal i will go on about it for hours and not be able to let it go. this is my difficult child for sure. it will take 8 - 10 hours sometimes to let it go. he said it's very hard to deal with and alot of times he feels as though he's walking on eggshells wondering if i'm going to freak out on him or not.

    i also always have this ideal thought of what life should be. always round hold square peg thing someone here said that to me and it stuck in my head. i'm always dreaming of what the perfect life should be and not accepting what truly is. i'm always searching for better, etc. instead of accepting where i am, where we are, what my life truly is.

    there is alot of depression and anxiety in my genes my dads side my mom's side.

    i just know i hate where i am right now. its twelve oclock i'm supposed to go buy food and do pile of laundry yet i do'nt want to do anything i'm still in pajamas. i just want to relax im tired really tired and little difficult child is coming home shortly and once she's back that's it break time over. i do'nt want boyfriend to get upset with me for not doing what i'm supposed to do either. he finds it hard when i don't do the stuff i'm supposed. he works very long hours 16 a day actually si only off two days a week. the days he's off he manages togo to gym has a little bit of time then off to pick up the 5 kids homework, cook dinner, etc. he works hard on those days actually. so when i do'tn do the stuff i'm supposed then he's stuck with food shopping etc. with the little time he's got and that's not fair to him he's paying all the bills right now.

    thanks for sharing with me
    hopefully this will lift if it doesn't soon i guess i'm going to have to go on something becuase this feeling is horrible it really is so saddening on so many levels. and i'm afraid i'll scare people him let's face it he's not my husband. he's only my boyfriend and yup he's made a whole lotta mistakes but he's trying hard and me being sick like this now only makes it harder for him. he is so tolerant of all that my life consists of the two difficult child's paying all the bills dealing with me, it's alot. sometimes i truly think he's crazy for being with me. for a while i thought it was all him messing up creating problems, etc. yup his mistakes are what they are but nwo i'm faced Occupational Therapist (OT) look at me, my behaviors my lack of happiness the leve of stuff he's dealing with in my world. as he said it it's still me but it's very different from the happy carefree woman he fell in love with.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    k i made myself call my oncologist for an appointment. that i totally didn't want to do. yet found this lump mos. ago could be nothing yet last time i thought that i was in operating room having partial masectomy i have pre cancerous cells.

    boyfriend is right if i don't take care of it it might come back to bite me in the you know what if i let it go too long winds up to be something and then it's too late to treat it.

    like i said could be nothing, but i guess i gotta go. its just the oncology game is a quick fast paced one. one minute your being grabbed and checked out next minute your having biopsy next minute surgery there's little thought time. i can't have anything interfere with little difficult child's scheduled evaluation. hence have been putting it off
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Jen....

    Breathe!!! You asked what I was like before I was diagnosed. most people who saw me in the outside world they wouldnt have realized there was anything wrong. I could maintain a fairly normal facade to the world. I was super mom...advocating to the max for my kids, dealing with schools and mental health, going to sports games, being team mom, then working full time and doing all the above!

    It all came crumbling down when I added in physical problems on top of everything else. That was the straw that broke me. I simply couldnt maintain anymore and little things started showing in my "public" face. I had a temper tantrum at work. Hit a door. Started having more and more problems dealing with people in the public. I didnt want to go anywhere. With the physical stuff, I couldnt go anywhere without awful caused me to close in. I got more and more to feeling like everyone would just be better off without me.

    I even managed to hide my problems for years from the people at mental health! What a relief it was when I could finally talk to Corys people and say...ya know...I have this too and right now, everything is stressing me out too badly and I cant deal with need to help me! No one thought I was an awful person or parent. They didnt blame me.

    I have been dealing with attempting to get stable and deal with bipolar and borderline for what...8 years now? Its something I do every day. I will never outgrow it but I do everything in my power to get through "one more day" as stable as I can be. Im not always successful. I have very down days. I also have days when I can see how far I have come.

    I wrote an essay about bipolar that I posted on the general board...go read that. Im also here anytime anyone wants to talk to me. Im not At least not in the cyberworld.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    thank you so much. yes easy to let it all pour out here, right?? lol

    jen is breathing trying to, umm i'm still in my pajamas by the way. not cool at all. have so much to do. poor boyfriend and kids went witout socks on time because i flaked.

    so so much at one time sheesh. i smoke way too much lately its my one outlet i guess.

    parents called today dad's out of hospital they wanted me to come by 2 hour drive or 3 intotal. nope not happening i can't even by food at this point.

    yes maybe i will pm you is that what's it's called?? lol

    i did read your essay thing, i have to go back and re read i've noticed lately i forget everything i have to leave constant reminders in cell to go absolutely anywhere iti's so insane. phones always vibrating.


    jen taking a breath. see what i mean i'm all over the place, literally all over the board......ok that was