Depression

[dstc_99]

I guess the Holidays are getting to me. I dont know but for some reason I have no energy, I'm not sleeping at normal times, and I haven't really done anything for days.

difficult child spoke with husband and told him she wasn't coming for Christmas that she was going to work for her grandfather over the Holiday and didn't have time. I'm still not speaking with my parents. I guess I am just lonely. I have friends here and that is great but for some reason I just can't pull myself out of my hole. I need to clean and grocery shop but that isn't going to happen. easy child is driving me crazy with her homeschooling and I just can't stand the thought of another day stuck in the bed with her whining about homework.

For some reason even though husband is the most loving man in the world and easy child is a sweet kid I just feel abandoned. It is killing me that I have lost so much in so little time. I really want my daughter and family back but I just don't have the energy to beg and I don't want to. I know my sanity would plummet if I did pull them back in and right now that scares me more than not having them does.

 

[BusynMember]

There are two parts to this thread. The first is a reality check: What have you lost?

Ok, let's brainstorm here I used to feel the same way after Scott left the family. So I'll tell you, from where I sit, what you have lost.

Nothing. You didn't lose your difficult child daughter, but she isn't living with you because you wouldn't kiss her feet. Is that really a loss? Maybe you lost the girl you wish she was. Do you really miss who she is today? As for your parents, they have been AWFUL, putting you down, undermining you at every turn, betraying you. Now he honest. Were they ever June and Ward Cleaver or did you always have them smiling at you while putting you down? If so, is that REALLY a loss? Sometimes our loss is really the loss of the way we wish things were, not the reality of what they actually are. Is it "getting my family back" if you have to beg them to come and, at the same time, accept their abuse? I don't think so. What YOU think may be different. I hope you can have a nice PEACEFUL holiday season with your husband and easy child. Our family is very small because we tossed out all the abusers or they tossed us. No problem. We have NO fights and really enjoy the peace of the holiday season without the drama. You may find you do too. I know we all want our parents to respect us, love us for who we are, be proud of us, etc. The fact is, probably at least half of us don't have that and feel worse AFTER we are with our parents than if we hadn't been with them at all. What do you miss about them?

Also, I think you should probably tell your doctor about your depression. You may need medication and once you are no longer depressed, things do not look so black and hopeless. Feeling hopeless, lonely, worthless and tired...sometimes too tired to even sweep the floor...are all symptoms of clinical depression, which can be treated. Go to a psychiatrist and get help. You deserve it!!! (((Hugs)))!!

Now

 

[recoveringenabler]

dstc, I agree with everything MWM has written. All I can add to her post is that grief hits us at odd times and you've had a lot of losses lately. I think it's accumulative. You moved which is a huge stressor, your relationship with your parents and your difficult child has undergone a tremendous change and the holidays which represent 'family' to most of us is upon us. That's a lot. It's probably not a good idea to make any rash decisions now while you feel the way you do, it's one of those times where it appears you have to ride this wave of sorrow until it ends. I'm sorry, you really have lost a lot in a very short amount of time.

Like MWM, I have made choices which keep me detached from most of my family and it was very hard and very sad, but over time, I realized, as MWM said, that I really hadn't lost anything or anyone who was loving and kind and good to me. It just took time.

I'm sorry you're hurting, it's a sad situation ...........it is what it is, you can't change it or make it different. Sending hugs........

 

[ctmom05]

It sounds like you could be suffering from seasonal affective disorder, on top of everything else

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Se...Management/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=23051

 

[dstc_99]

Thanks guys. I am definitely going to get in to check on my medications. I have been telling them for a while now I felt I needed more help but they haven'w wanted to change them. I guess it is time to push harder.

MWM you are right. I haven't had June and Ward for a long time. My mom has been sick for so long (mentally) that I feel like I lost her a long time ago. My dad on the other hand has always been there and been a "Ward." The occasional comment once every few years about something but generally a really good guy. Honestly our only sticking point has been difficult child and he has always supported her regardless of what she has done. I don't know why I was surprised last time around.

Considering I did just move to WA state the seasonal affective disorder could definitely be an issue too. I have always told my husband that Alaska will not be an option (the military loves to send people there). I don't think I could survive months of darkness.

 

[Hound dog]

Have your medications checked, certainly.

Taking even a 10 min walk when the sun is shining (doesn't matter the temp) will help a great deal.......the longer the better though.

Sweet potatoes are fabulous for SAD. If you like sweet potatoes, then eating them once a week or so will also help considerably.

The sun and sweet potatoes is what I do. I won't do medications......and so far it's not an issue. But I've got to have my sunshine even if it is -20 degrees outside and I've got every curtain open and sitting in the window.

((hugs))

 

[dstc_99]

Hound Dog,
I would love to walk in the sun but in WA state we see mostly rain. A lot of the Dr's around here give there patients vitamin D. I may have to check that out.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Vitamin D deficiency is serious. I'm in a definitely "northern" climate, and it is recommended here that everybody take a vitamin D supplement for the winter half of the year (from equinox to equinox).

 

[scent of cedar]

{{{{{Hugs, District}}}}}}

Your post will be valuable reading for so many of us, District. Holidays are so hard for most of us here on the Board. (It would be interesting to see the results of a poll on whether the holidays, with their so-beautiful expectations, actually magnify our perceptions of isolation, of misery and loss ~ not just for those with troubled kids and family lives, but for everyone.)

The responses you have already received have been good for me to read, too.

Cedar

 

[Star*]

Dear Depression,

Hi, You know something. I don't know if I would know normal, or happy, or balanced or any semblance of such things if it bit me square on the ****. This I tell you in truth. Why? To make you sadder? More sad? eh...no not really. Just chuckling out loud a bit. I sit an I think sometimes "If the whole world sat down and told God at one time all their woes where would He go?" I mean I know he's God and all, but seriously we're all such a whiney, needy lot. I just sit back some days and think about all the **** I whine about and while I don't whine or even pray about it anymore (I figure whats the use) I think about all the people that do and I think Jesus must just have such a freakin headache ya know? Does it balance out with all the "Thank you for my new car, and thanks for my perfect boyfriend, and thank you for the lotto ticket and thank you for whatever?" YOu suppose it can? - Because between you and me? I'm pretty danged down in the dumps with what seems like a LIFE......((((((wait a minute I want you to get the full brunt of this statement)) so I run to the edge of the canyon for a perfect echo......A LIFE THAT NEVER SEEMS TO CEASE FROM ****.......****........****.........****.......****......**** x20....... I don't know if that's depression or if it's like someone in Old New Orleans got my Voodoo doll and keeps poking it with safety pins. I say safety pins because straight pins have to work out eventually but safety pins got stick and lock mechanism. Know what I mean??

I swear to you somehow I must have taken the wrong road in life to Disney and gotten on the ride that said LIFE DISASTER......and the dang thing refuses to stop spinning. I opted for it's a small world.....and instead I hopped one of them rides in the dark and the stupid thing is still going around and around and around....in the disaster scenario. I'm 49 for Pete sake. Eventually there has got to be an EXIT. okay? But that would seem too much like right. SO I just keep goin round and round. and round. Sorta like a dysfunctional Pirates of the Carribean. Sans the Carribean. And whats worse is I have motion sickness, and I'm pretty sure along the way I've developed an allergy to children, and probation officers, school officials, judgemental parents, psychiatrists, so-called friends, sunshine, (I hate sunshine rrrrrrr) bill collectors, the witch at the prison that opens the mail and decides that my letters are too long or too this or too that, the weather man, people with perfect lives that are too stupid to realize how stupid they are, mail lady, the dingus behind me that owns 12 beagles in a residential neighborhood and just acquired a rooster, the dumbass that just opened a convenient store at the end of my road and thought OH JOY I should open a package liquor store because well that's a way to make money and no one sells liquor out here. The reason no one sold it is because now people are shooting at your stupid butt, and gun fire is a weekly occurrence....YEAH I hope they renew your liquor license...NUMNUTS..Walmart.......did I say that yet???? (looks) no...Okay walmart.....Yeah....Walmart. What a genius idea to put 10000000 products under one roof and then put one till out with one cashier that is not educated past the 3rd grade to run it. On my only day off. THEN ???? Just for ****s and grins.....instead of TOTAL he hits/// I'm being held up at GUN POINT .....and I'm the one in line trying to pay for my items. (DiD I mention I have a bad back and take 3 kinds of pain pills and can not get on the ground when ordered to do so?) And the kid that pushed the button was actually checking his iPhone when the LAw go there....NO BIG deal says he......yup he only sent 5 officers to the walmart......guns and lights a blazin says I........nincompoop. (Did I mention I hate babies that cry? I n Walmart) ......yeah add that to my list of fun things I love.
And then I get my items checked on the way out by the greeter?????? ARE YOU SERIOUS??????? I think she was M.......essing with me. by the way the kid doesn't work there any more. THey caught him plugging his earbuds in while he was cashiering. Yeah nothing to do with MY incident. EARBUDS.....go figure.

And I work for 911....My fiancé is disabled 110%, my kids in prison.....and I sent him art books that they deemed "TATTOOEY" ....it's ZEN art for crying out loud. ZEN as in SHOULD RELAX him.....he keeps to himself and draws.....but no.....it's contraban.....return it. OMG.....OH EMMMMMM GHEEEEEE. #$*&$#(%#......and fiancé ........yeah lets not go there. MK? MK!! hahahahahaha.

The doctor nincompoop refused to write my prescriptions unless I saw the gyno - saw her......she's not brilliant. Didn't even ask about my sex life. Not even a word. Did not even ask what kind of BC I was on----which Is NONE. Wouldn't you think she'd be curious.....why none? Yeah......and Redbook said - if she's the kind of GYNO that makes you take your clothes off BEFORE you even meet her? She's not worth going back to. And voila....I was nude and waiting..45 minute to see her for an exam that lasted less than 3 mins. I felt so violated and cheap. (lol )

FEELING BETTER YET????? Then I got home and my dog has to have surgery. $200.00 bada bing bada boom.......tumors and ear is puffy,

And to make matters worse....I lost my CDL because the guy that hit me in Dec. caused me to go on pain pills to manage 12/ hr shifts. Well the pain pills disqualify me from driving trucks.....and the pain management guy who said he'd help me with a letter threw me under the 18 wheeler......so NOW I'm stuck at 911. ta da.......making about $250.00 a week for 40 hour shifts.

and this is all in about a week.........and I find out yesterday that instead of getting out and coming back to our home......my son is now having to go back to PRISON in FL.......and do 3 more years there. So I probably won't see him until he's like 30.
I dont' feel like having Christmas EVER.......or any h oliday......ever.

BUT......my advice to you is........DO things that make YOU feel happy, and makes YOU feel better......and Makes YOU feel good about YOURSELF.....because there sure as a bear growls in the woods is NOT ANYONE else out in the world going to do it for you. Stop waiting for anyone or anything out there to happen to make it happen. Daughter, Holiday, Weather......Husband.....House......Make things happen YOURSELF.

DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF. THAT MAKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING .............ANYTHING to LOOK FORWARD TO DOING SOMETHING........if it's even something as simple as trying to find all 2013 year pennies.....or painting a room......and doing it all yourself.......or teaching yourself a new language, or craft or going to a class. LIFE is short. TOO SHORT and the morgue is full of should wished I couldas.....and I bet if any one of those people could be reanimated.......they would do something for THEMSELVES. NOT for someone else.

It will make you feel better. I'm painting the house.....wall by wall.....spackling.....I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care how long it takes. And I have gotten into the habit of writing down goals. And crossing my lists off. It helps with depression a lot. Sounds goofy but it works . Even if I do TWO things a day.....I look at my list at the end of the week and it's like - MAN I did SOMETHING. Even if it's pull a hand full of grass along the border of the fence......one handful a day. At the end of the week........I have about 2 ' done. More than I had last week.......and I'm beating depression a hand full at a time. At my own pace without pills.

Eh.....I'm also known to go on tirades and pound the **** out of the guy with the 2000 beagles and demand he make those stupid hunting dogs quiet...but after 4 years.....my Christianity , patience and kindness are gone/ shot and I'm not so sure that's depression......just common sense. besides....not one yapper has opened his flapper for nearly a week and 1/2....and I'm sure no one in the neighborhood is going to come to my house and say Gall dang Star.....how mean were you!? .....(holding my breath on that one.......right.)
LRIGHT NOW GET OUT THERE....AND DO ..........SOMETHING.

I DON'TK NOW WHAT........

BUT SOMETHING.....START SMALL-----2 THINGS ON A LIST.......DO THEM......CROSS TH EM OFF.........EVEN IT IT'S ......I water plants, I sweep sidewalk...... THEN LIST 2 THINGS FOR TOMORROW......AND WHEN THEY'RE DONE......CROSS THEM OFF....AND SO ON. sOUNDS DOOFY....BUT GIVE IT A TRY HUH? (Sounds more fun when you say it like Archie Bunker) .
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Nomad]

I struggled for years with depression, ESP. after dealing with our difficult child daughter. To my shock/happy surprise, I was basically cured with certain vitamins....and others I have told about this who have tried it, have gotten big improvement too. The vitamins include:
D3
Fish Oil
B complex
Multi Vitamin
i wouldn't go without these for anything now. The difference is remarkable. I just wish I could fully express to you how I have been completely cured of depression through vitamins ...sounds unreal, but it is totally true and I am profoundly grateful!
I also would recommend speaking with your doctor and consider therapy, if you aren't going already. Some gentle exercise, particularly morning walks can be very helpful. I also read positive thinking literature often...very uplifting.
but, PLEASE seriously consider the vitamins I have mentioned!!! It is the main thing that changed things around for me.
Sending good thoughts/wishes your way!

 

[DammitJanet]

I have always hated the holidays. I cant think of many good ones from my childhood that dont involve me being with my cousins so I assume I didnt like them much when I was young either. Now, the only reason I get up on Xmas morning is if any small kids are here. I wont cook for either Thanksgiving or Xmas either. When small kids are here I will get up and watch them open presents and then I am back to bed.

 

[Nomad]

I came back to this post, because I realize that I was fortunate that vitamins helped me so significantly. I did take an antidepressant in past years. I do wish I had known about the vitamins at that time...maybe I could have taken both and been able to take less medications. Hard to say. Everyone is different. I also think it often takes more than one thing to fight depression...therapy, medications, vitamins, exercise....an all out push. I'm sorry you are going through this and as others have mentioned, it is kinda common for the holidays to make this illness worse. Wishing you well;I know it can be a tough battle.

 

[dstc_99]

Thanks guys!

Star- I am working on doing more for me. Right now I have been out of work for almost 5 months. We need the money so I am having to skimp on the stuff I really want. Other than that I am going to the gym and trying to do social things to keep me from sinking into a hole. Reading your story makes me feel ashamed since I am feeling so overwhelmed and don't have half as much going on. On the other hand I realize we all handle things differently so my response is probably normal for me.

Nomad- I actually just got a multivitamin and some D3. I am going to have to look into the fish oil and vitamin B. Considering the season is rain here for the next 6 months I will definitely need it.

Janet- LOL I actually love the holidays. I love the family thing and I love the events. Unfortunately after reading your post I realize that the holidays have been associated with pain for years. Never really thought about it that way before. husband is a Christmas baby so it is always a big deal here and the pain has never been associated with difficult child, easy child, husband, and I. This is the first year that it will feel that way. I guess I am being a baby but even with all the drama difficult child brings it feels wrong for her not to be here.