Derailing dysfunctional patterns

[Steely]

OK, so, I have to confess, I have been hanging out with stupid neighbor that told me he was only attracted to women who look hot in bikinis. I know, right. What is my problem? I just seem to want to continue the agony of all of my past relationships. I don't get it.

He continues to want to hang out with me, and "be friends". We will have nights where he will kiss me, or even want more, and then the next time we are together he makes it a point to be distant and removed. He then will say something like "you know we don't have chemistry" - we are just friends. This has happened repeatedly over the last 6 months, and I just keep going back for more. Like a trained rat.

My last marriage my ex told me at least twice a week that I was fat and no longer attractive. (I had gone from a size 8 to a 12.) I internalized that so deeply, it still resonates in my soul. When stupid neighbor tells me he is not attracted to me, all of that pain comes searing back, and I want to kill stupid neighbor. Instead I usually leave, in an immature huff, and then I want to "be friends" again 2 days later.

Of course my first husband physically and emotionally abused me, and my dad sexually abused me - so it's not like this is a new feeling for me. That feeling of always wanting to be better, to please the man, to make them somehow love me, against all odds. I get the feeling - I just don't know how to not keep going back into these situations. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I have to stop putting myself into these situations and being their victim. I have to protect myself.

Yet I somehow believe that maybe R could someday love with me. He tells me all of these complimentary things about my personality, and how he loves being with me, and how I am his best friend. Yada, yada. Then, like I said, there are nights where we are physically close. Then there are many more where the opposite it true. It is like some game I am trying to play out, and I am not sure even why.

Insight? Maybe the reality is, is he just is not attracted to me. Period. And I need to stop wishing, and start dealing with reality.

 

[Nomad]

Do you like to wear bikinis?

Personally (really, really mean this...this is just me)...I would not be all that interested in a guy that did seem all that interested in me or have the potential to be genuinely interested in me.

This could be the case with this person.

So, perhaps you could also accept him as just a friend. Hey, a male friend isn't a bad thing. It means companionship (at times) and you can pick his brain for good information.

In the mean time, work on yourself. Physically, spiritually, emotionally...in every way. So that when Mr. Right comes along, he will fall head over heels...and there will be much potential for a successful long-term relationship.

 

[Suz]

I hadn't read the book...and I hadn't been single in several decades...but watching the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was a revelation to me when I re-entered the dating scene and was tearing my hair out at how BIZARRE men are compared to wonderful US!

The truth is, you want to be someone's "exception"- as do I. If you haven't already seen it, rent the movie to find out what that means.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[klmno]

Well, I bought the following books today:

1) Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life
2) Healing the Shame that Binds You
3) Toxic People: 10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable (this even had a section on dealing with your kids if your kids are acting toxic toward you)

Then, I found one on the internet called "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse"

I'll let you know if I find any good pointers. If anyone else has read either of these books, please let me know if they were helpful or more hurtful.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I spent most of my life in the same boat you find yourself in Steely. I don't know what changes our stinkin' thinkin' and starts us on the path to loving ourselves enough to not put up with anything less than being wanted and loved for the right reasons.

I honestly don't know what clicked in me (what a shame, "I" could write a book if I only knew) but I know whatever changed, it led to major changes in me. It took a few years. I took better care of myself. I found more interests that didn't rely on others. I had gastric bypass, lots boat loads of weight. Got a hairstyle that made me feel sexy. Found a clothing style that fit my personality and looked good (I was a fashion no-no, trust me!). I started saying no to things that weren't okay. I started standing my ground with abusive people (my ex, my mother, my brother, even my difficult child) and started through that to want more in my life.

It's an old saying that you attract what you exude (it is more elequently said by many people, can't remember what the actual saying is). I've found it to be true. When I was willing to accept less than I deserved, I tended to find people more than willing to use me for less than I deserved. When things changed IN me, I knew I deserved XYZ. And when I wasn't expecting it, I found XYZ. In many areas, not just my relationship I am in now.

I too well know that feeling of playing the game, the sad thing is, it is a game. Not real life. He may well be the nicest friend, but would you truly even WANT a long term thing with someone who can be so wishy washy and know that they affect you that way, yet continue to do it? Sounds like someone that might indeed be a good friend if kept at a friend level. But to me? Sounds like a bit of a cat who got the canary thing going on with your neighbor guy. He gets to talk to his best friend/neighbor about what he WANTS in a woman. Then he gets to say that he doesn't have chemistry with said neighbor. Then he gets to fiddle about with the neighbor. Then he gets to distance himself from the neighbor. Then he gets ... and on and on. Not saying hes a jerk. I dont' know the guy. He might not even know the effect that type of thing has on a woman. But you do know. And doesnt' it hoover???

I'd much rather work on myself, accept dates if asked, go on hook ups or blind dates, just have some fun. Learn that even if its only a few dates, you are desirable and intriguing to others. Then you can focus on exuding a vibe of "I deserve the best, what makes you worth my time? If you are, I'm worth it!".

(((HUGS))) All the best in 2010 for you Steely! You've had such a rough time, I don't think it is unusual to be accepting less than you deserve. Loneliness is a awful feeling, so is loss. You've had reason to feel both in abundance. I hope that the new year brings even further healing and a settling in your life. Be open to goodness and closed to more baggage. You're a strong woman. You truly DO deserve the best. You're a special lady. Remind yourself of that!

 

[KTMom91]

Two books I found helpful were "Victory Over the Darkness" and "Bondage Breaker," both by Neil Anderson. I read them both in Bible studies.

 

[witzend]

The reality is he's a dog. Dogs don't need to be attracted to a female to do what dogs like to do with females. I hope you will find a way to either not invest in this man or to not see this man. He's bad news if you want someone who loves you. And you'll never find that man who loves you if you keep hanging around with this dog.

 

[DaisyFace]

Steely--

I had an ex who treated me horribly. And my friends would tell me that I needed to leave him--and they were right--and so I would get up my courage and go break it off....only to go back to him at a later date. I was stupid and I knew I was stupid, but at the same time it seemed like we were so close to having a good relationship....if only I could _________, well, whatever it was I thought I could do to make things different.

Finally, I decided that I really did have enough. Not just of this guy, but of ALL guys. I decided I would rather be alone than deal with any more of this kind of koi.

And yes, it was lonely sometimes. So to combat the loneliness, I crammed my schedule with things that I liked to do. I got involved with community theatre. I did volunteer work. I joined community projects.

And....I began to meet people. People who shared my interests and my values. And once I started having healthier relationships, it made me wonder why I EVER put up with my ex's garbage for even a moment.

Steely--It will be hard to walk away....but you know in your heart that it's the right thing to do. And if you are like me and hate that lonely feeling? Then make sure you are way too busy to notice. You know you only visit the neighbor when you feel lonesome....so don't be lonesome--be overbooked!

You can do it!!!

--DaisyFace

 

[Steely]

Thanks for all of you insightful wisdom. It truly is strengthening.

I woke up this morning, knowing that one of the only reasons that I continue to seek this relationship out is that I want him to heal me. He doesn't think I am beautiful, or think I am attractive - but in my warped little mind I believe that if I could convince him I am - than I would be the most beautiful person ever. He would heal the ex who said I wasn't etc. Maybe if every time I want to go over there I tell myself that I am beautiful, talented, smart, etc - then that will stop the negative cycle in it's tracks - like I am calling it's bluff if that makes sense.

The other phrase that comes to mind is
~ crazy is doing the same thing over and over with the same results.

Mattsmum thank you for such articulate sage advice - you are an inspiration.

I just got off the phone with my other guy friend. Who truly is just a friend, but 29 and stupid. Somehow it has gone from a possible romantic fling between the 2 of us, to me being his older sister kind of friend. My feelings are not hurt about this, I guess because he has not messed with my head like the other guy. We have been up front.

Anyway this guy was telling me yesterday how the love of his life and him met in Boston for a romantic getaway and how much he loved her, yadayada. This ~ after he spends a month obsessing about how he might have gotten another girl pregnant. Well today we were supposed to go hiking and he calls to say he is hung over and can't. Then he tells he slept with yet another girl last night.

I got off the phone, and I started laughing so hard I was crying. I couldn't actually tell if I was crying or laughing at the stupidity of these men in my life. I mean, how truly shallow, vapid, and ridiculous can a man be? And how stupid is it that the only 2 friends I have are these 2 horses rears. It is almost comical, yet not. I mean why would I really care what this guy does in his free time - except he exploits and uses women - which on behalf of all women in this world I cannot tolerate.

Like you said Daisy, it is better to be alone than deal with nonsense. I guess I just need to get so busy it doesn't matter.

 

[Nomad]

When I say companionship with these male friends, I mean more like someone to talk with. I personally, would not invest more of that of myself. Maybe (and that's a big maybe...) someone to go to the movies with or run an errand with on occasion. That's about it. Don't give more of yourself than it deserves. Your time is too valuable. Are you working? If so, then that takes a lot of your time. Then, you have to devote time to your personal health...physical, spiritual, etc. You have to take into consideration having a difficult child can be draining (although with detachment...this helps). Time is valuable...do not waste it.

Can't stress enough how valuable/powerful/life changing it can be for you to invest in YOU. Consider using your energy to read some of these books others have got some benefit from, exercise, eat better, etc. Today is a PERFECT day to make a plan for change....Wishing you well.

 

[Hound dog]

It is a huge deal that you recognize the pattern. I have a strong feeling that pure loneliness is preventing you from telling this manipulating jerk to go jump in a lake.

When you find a guy who cares for you, honey, you're going to be beautiful to him no matter what your weight is. That is what love does.

husband is no looker in any sense of the word. The man is not even my "type". I like tall dark features. husband is just under 6 feet with strawberry blonde hair and pale as a ghost. And although he was in the Army, he had a beer belly. Not a bit of that mattered. Because of the way I felt about him, he appeared to me as the drop dead gorgeous man any woman would want. It's only in the past 5 yrs or so that he's managed to kill off 90 percent of those feelings that I look at him and think...ewwww. lol

I know you're lonely and you want companionship, but this jerk is doing you more harm than good. You my dear, deserve soooo much more than this male has to offer. (which is obviously nothing)

When Mr Right crosses your path he is going to think you are the most beautiful woman on the planet regardless of how big or small you are.

Hugs

 

[klmno]

Steely, I think you need to remind yourself of something I'm sure you already kknow: Single women often want a gentleman friend to go out with and have fun, have dinner with ocassionally, etc, thinking it's not intended to be anything more than casual, but then we get our feelings hurt because they don't fall in love with us, or they go out and have this same sort of casual relationship with someone else, and they aren't treating us like it was anything more than a casual situation with no emotional feeling toward us- just convenient. Most of us have been there!

I think it would do you good to takee some time and decide if you really want and are cut out for casual relationships. If so, then don't let your ego and feelings get caught up in it. If you are really needing something else in your life (ie, to build your self esteem or feel validated by someone), I think you need to make real effort to find other ways to pursue that.

Just my 2 cents!

 

[Marguerite]

Not saying hes a jerk. I dont' know the guy.

I don't know the guy either, but I AM saying, "He's a jerk".

Steely, you should have known what we would all say. Witz said it most concisely. I heartily endorse what she said.

You said you think you want this guy to heal you, if he can only see you as beautiful after all, then you will feel beautiful at last.

But can't you see? You have deliberately chosen to seek this sort of help from someone who simply can't give it? He has been honest with you in this, although he is sending mixed messages constantly.

So you are setting yourself up for failure, then getting upset when it fails. Also, you say you want to be healed, but he isn't a doctor. If you said that to him (and he is a friend, isn't he? You said he was) then how do you think he would react? I'm betting he would say ti you, "I'm not a doctor," or he might even get angry with you at what you're trying to impose on him. It's a lot of responsibility to put onto someone else.

Steely, YOU need to be your own doctor. You can do this. You say you're lonely (I don't doubt it) but you still choose to increase your own loneliness by giving yourself false and hurtful hope.

Thank goodness this guy is not for you. Move on. If you need to give yourself some distance from him even as a friend in order to move on, then do so.

Blokes like this can seem to be good buddies, but they are emotional parasites, draining dry your life force and self-esteem in order for them to be able to keep you where they want you to be.

Hypothetical scenario - Steely and neighbour man go out for a drink on a friendship basis. In the bar, Steely is seen by handsome, dark and gorgeous stranger who would like to know her better; but she is with another man who shows all the signs of ownership, so the good-looking guy stays away. Meanwhile NM (neighbour man) has his eyes roaming the bar, albeit cynically. He's partly looking for rivals (he doesn't want to lose control over you, even though he's told you he doesn't want you, he DOES want "friends with benefits" when it suits him). NM may see possible female prospect sitting at the bar. He may consider ditching you to pick her up. He may tell you, "I'm going to buy this next round," and while he's at the bar, gets the other girls' number. Or he may suggest an early night, take you home and then slip back to the bar.

I'm not saying I think NM is really like that, but he is male, he is breathing, he is a ratbag, so it's likely.

My first fiance was like this. He played this game with me, too. When he finally 'gave in' and accepted that we were in love (or so I thought) I was over the moon. My wildest dreams had come true. I never thought it possible that HE could love ME - insignificant, ugly little me. Why did I think I was insignificant and ugly? Well, he told me so, I loved him so of course I believed him! The more I spent time with him, the more he drained me dry of any positive emotion, any threatening self-esteem. He also began to slowly cut me off from any person or event that would make me feel good about myself, as well as anything that would make me see the truth about him. One example - I had a singing engagement at a very important venue in Sydney. I really wanted him there to hear me. He was there - but he was asleep in his car. He had meant to come in, he said, but he had fallen asleep in the car. Now, it MAY have been unintended, but it still speaks volumes to me ow, with my 35 years of hindsight. I was doing something that HE anted to be doing instead but as a dreamer, would never achieve. Therefore my accomplishment had to be downgraded plus my ego had to be brought into check.

Steely, I want you to look up two disorders for me. Look up "narcissitic personality disorder" and also look up "sociopathy".

it is possible to be friends with people like either of these - I have people in my circle of friends who I'm sure meet these criteria, although you could never get them diagnosed - but they need to be in the outer circle of friends, especially for someone as vulnerable as you are right now. You are fresh meat to people like this, they will seek you out, like sharks than can smell blood in the water.

There are good people out there, but you need to learn to love yourself first, so others can also see that you are loveable. The good people won't come near while you allow the sharks to circle.

Marg

 

[timer lady]

Steeley, sweetie, break this pattern. For your own emotional well being stop battering yourself for nothing other than a man who is acting like a pig.

Saying that, I'd take a break from dating completely. Time to heal from the day to day of GFGdom, your sisters untimely death; time to find yourself.

I learned how to like my own company a very long time ago ~ way before I got married. That made me a freer person; I had a calmness & felt an inner beauty that may not be seen on the outside. I didn't care about that. I just went about my life.

Sweetie, I'd love to see you find that time to heal, the time to find your inner "goddess". AND believe that you are a beautiful person who has much to offer. AND with all that you have to offer it's on your terms, your body size, & on your time.

Be gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself - find time to meditate, write, whatever brings you the most peace.

You deserved to be loved - not treated the way this "gentleman" (said tongue in check) treats you. How dare he say the things he has. I want to b!tch slap this man.