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<blockquote data-quote="Ephchap" data-source="post: 449612" data-attributes="member: 27"><p>Dealing with an ADD impulsive difficult child who is now drugging and obstinate is like a flashback for me. Yes, that was my son in a nutshell. It's easy for people (not those of us here, as we totally understand, trust me) to say that you just don't put up with the behavior, or you cut ties with his friends, but if your son is like my son, there isn't much he will listen to and will just run away and do what he wants. </p><p></p><p>We had our son signed in, against his will, at age 14 because he was running away and smoking pot and wouldn't go to school. That's a whole other problem - "making them" go to school. I used to ask how I was supposed to "make him". We took away everything and threatened and yes, followed through on the threats, but he still wouldn't go. Anyway, we signed him into a residential facility where he spent 4 or 5 months. It was definitely not an ideal situation, but it was the best we could find at the time.</p><p></p><p>When he came home, he did do better for almost two years, but then the pot smoking started up again and we could see his behavior slipping fast. By now he was almost 17 and then wham, we no longer recognized our son. Unbeknownst to us, he had started smoking crack, and began having trouble with the law, not to mention we started missing many items from our home. It all happened so fast, that things were long gone before we even realized it.</p><p></p><p>He did end up agreeing to go to a dual-diagnostic long-term secure residential facility. He went to school right on the grounds there, he lived in a separate wing with 11 other boys. They had to earn privileges and doing everything together (living, going to school, cooking, cleaning, meetings, etc.) made them hold each other accountable. It was an excellent program. Our son was there for 10 months until his 18th birthday. Too little too late for the law, unfortunately, as he was charged with a felony conviction right after his 17th birthday. In Michigan, 17 is considered an adult, so he still carries this on his record and is now 27.</p><p></p><p>Our son has stayed away from drugs, but at about age 20-21, began drinking alcohol. Many 20 somethings go to the bars, clubs, sports bars, etc. and can have a few beers and be done. Pretty soon our son realized that he couldn't be done. He'd keep drinking. This took place in the span of about 5 years, but a few years ago, became really bad.</p><p></p><p>He's now been totally sober for 1-1/2 years and is a member of an Alano Club (sober club) and attends AA meetings at least three times a week. </p><p></p><p>We've had some real heart to heart talks these last few years. He hated us for forcing him into treatment and "sending him away" but admits that we saved his life. They always say people have to hit bottom, but he didn't seem to have a bottom. His bottom, I'm afraid, would have been death. He also says that this time is different for him in that he made the decision to ask for help. He agrees that us forcing him saved his life, but until he was ready to really get clean and sober, no treatment would have helped.</p><p></p><p>That's my long way of saying that you have to go with your instincts. Each of our kids and circumstances are different. What has or has not worked for one of us has been a totally different outcome for someone else on here. I know in my heart that if we hadn't forced treatment when he was younger, my son wouldn't be alive today. Yes, there were some rough years, but now at age 27 he is a functioning sober adult ... knock on wood. He's still living one day at a time, but now knows what will happen if he reaches for a joint or a drink.</p><p></p><p>As for the education, that's a hard one for us as parents to let go. My difficult child was very smart on paper (IQ testing), but obviously wasn't too smart in his day to day living. He had trouble coping with school - all of it. He ended up going for his GED and went to a community college for one semester. He did well, but never went back. He's working in a factory and seems happy. His brother and sister both have college degrees and often try to nudge him to go back because he really is so smart, but school is not for everyone. At this point, I'm thrilled at all he's overcome and the young man he's become.</p><p></p><p>If you fear your son coming home will result in his getting in deeper with drugs, then you've answered that question for yourself. Is there any kind of United Way program by you to get him into? They sometimes offer intensive outpatient or could recommend inpatient programs. Sometimes you can get assistance for residential substance abuse programs through your state or county Mental Health Board. </p><p></p><p>I wish I knew what the answers are, but unfortunately, I don't. All I can say is trust your mommy gut and see what resouces are out there that might be able to help you. </p><p></p><p>Sending hugs. I know what a tough rough this is.</p><p></p><p>Deb</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ephchap, post: 449612, member: 27"] Dealing with an ADD impulsive difficult child who is now drugging and obstinate is like a flashback for me. Yes, that was my son in a nutshell. It's easy for people (not those of us here, as we totally understand, trust me) to say that you just don't put up with the behavior, or you cut ties with his friends, but if your son is like my son, there isn't much he will listen to and will just run away and do what he wants. We had our son signed in, against his will, at age 14 because he was running away and smoking pot and wouldn't go to school. That's a whole other problem - "making them" go to school. I used to ask how I was supposed to "make him". We took away everything and threatened and yes, followed through on the threats, but he still wouldn't go. Anyway, we signed him into a residential facility where he spent 4 or 5 months. It was definitely not an ideal situation, but it was the best we could find at the time. When he came home, he did do better for almost two years, but then the pot smoking started up again and we could see his behavior slipping fast. By now he was almost 17 and then wham, we no longer recognized our son. Unbeknownst to us, he had started smoking crack, and began having trouble with the law, not to mention we started missing many items from our home. It all happened so fast, that things were long gone before we even realized it. He did end up agreeing to go to a dual-diagnostic long-term secure residential facility. He went to school right on the grounds there, he lived in a separate wing with 11 other boys. They had to earn privileges and doing everything together (living, going to school, cooking, cleaning, meetings, etc.) made them hold each other accountable. It was an excellent program. Our son was there for 10 months until his 18th birthday. Too little too late for the law, unfortunately, as he was charged with a felony conviction right after his 17th birthday. In Michigan, 17 is considered an adult, so he still carries this on his record and is now 27. Our son has stayed away from drugs, but at about age 20-21, began drinking alcohol. Many 20 somethings go to the bars, clubs, sports bars, etc. and can have a few beers and be done. Pretty soon our son realized that he couldn't be done. He'd keep drinking. This took place in the span of about 5 years, but a few years ago, became really bad. He's now been totally sober for 1-1/2 years and is a member of an Alano Club (sober club) and attends AA meetings at least three times a week. We've had some real heart to heart talks these last few years. He hated us for forcing him into treatment and "sending him away" but admits that we saved his life. They always say people have to hit bottom, but he didn't seem to have a bottom. His bottom, I'm afraid, would have been death. He also says that this time is different for him in that he made the decision to ask for help. He agrees that us forcing him saved his life, but until he was ready to really get clean and sober, no treatment would have helped. That's my long way of saying that you have to go with your instincts. Each of our kids and circumstances are different. What has or has not worked for one of us has been a totally different outcome for someone else on here. I know in my heart that if we hadn't forced treatment when he was younger, my son wouldn't be alive today. Yes, there were some rough years, but now at age 27 he is a functioning sober adult ... knock on wood. He's still living one day at a time, but now knows what will happen if he reaches for a joint or a drink. As for the education, that's a hard one for us as parents to let go. My difficult child was very smart on paper (IQ testing), but obviously wasn't too smart in his day to day living. He had trouble coping with school - all of it. He ended up going for his GED and went to a community college for one semester. He did well, but never went back. He's working in a factory and seems happy. His brother and sister both have college degrees and often try to nudge him to go back because he really is so smart, but school is not for everyone. At this point, I'm thrilled at all he's overcome and the young man he's become. If you fear your son coming home will result in his getting in deeper with drugs, then you've answered that question for yourself. Is there any kind of United Way program by you to get him into? They sometimes offer intensive outpatient or could recommend inpatient programs. Sometimes you can get assistance for residential substance abuse programs through your state or county Mental Health Board. I wish I knew what the answers are, but unfortunately, I don't. All I can say is trust your mommy gut and see what resouces are out there that might be able to help you. Sending hugs. I know what a tough rough this is. Deb [/QUOTE]
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