Desperately Seeking Me

[NoHope]

Hi everyone,
I am new as of yesterday. I hope it is okay for me to be posting already. I wanted to yesterday, but I thought that would be too soon.
I cried when I found this forum. Until yesterday, I really thought I was pretty much alone.

I have read all of the posts on Parents Emeritus and I have a question that seems so obvious to me but I haven't seen brought up here.

I WANT to kick my 18 year old son out. He is destroying any shreds of my life that I have left. It is a constant war zone.

So my question is ...How...How do you kick them out if they won't go??? I have tried locking the doors...he breaks the door or he kicks in a window. He threatens me with bodily harm. He just will not go. I can tell him to go till I am blue in the face, but he won't go.

I read another mom on here say that she doesn't think it will ever be better...she has little to no hope and that is how I feel too. No hope at all...I don't think it will ever change.

I have called the police 3 times on him as a 17 year old - each time he was locked up. Once for breaking up things in the house...once for drugs..and once for attacking my car with his longboard and breaking the mirror, denting the car, etc...then breaking my key off in the lock so I couldn't drive or leave.

Each time, he did a little time at juvenile, was told by the judge to get counseling, anger classes, etc...but he ignored the judge and his PO just let him off once he turned 18. (in July of this year) He has gone to a counselor off and on, but he won't do any longterm visits with her - I think a total of 12 last year. He refuses to take any medications. (Diagnosed with ADHD and ODD)

I could write a book about my experiences, but maybe just describing yesterday will give a picture of what our day to day life is. He threw one of my favorite lamps across the room shattering it. He broke a door in a fit of anger. He wanted to dry a tshirt of his and so he took all my wet laundry out of the dryer and threw it on the floor to dry his shirt. He asked me if I would film myself hanging myself so he would have something to enjoy for years to come - he said please kill yourself and do it by hanging because it causes the most suffering. He told me he knew I was fu*$ing my dog. He told me to go fu*$ myself with a big black dildo. Called me a stupid fu*$ing cu$t. Took a butcher knife and hit my few remaining pieces of nice glassware - miraculously they did not break. Took the same butcher knife - bc he was angry they didn't break and did a kind of samurai swipe at my food processor putting a big cut in the top of it. Threw the modem and the router across the room. I hid my skim milk for my morning coffee in the drawer in the bottom of the frig and he found it last night and emptied it. I know I'm leaving things out...it was a war zone from the time he woke up at about 1pm until he finally went to sleep at about 3am.

I don't know what to do. I want to just run away but I can't leave my job.

I told him I was going to get a restraining order. He told me it would do no good. He would break it and come in and kill me if I did that.

I really think that might be how this all pans out. I can't believe I am uttering (typing) that...but sometimes I think it will. When he was about 10 years old he pushed me down a flight of stairs and at the time I remember thinking... my son is going to kill me one day. I just had no idea.

Thank you for giving me a place to desperately vent. I hope I didn't do anything wrong by jumping right in.

No Hope

 

[recoveringenabler]

Dear NoHope, I am so sorry you are going through this terrible experience with your son. I am also glad you found us and recognize that you're not alone. There are likely other parents here who have a similar experience and will be along to give you some good solid advice based on their experience. My 2 cents are these: First, call the police, he is threatening you, he is violent, press charges. He is an adult now. Then find out what the eviction laws in your state are. Here in Ca. you have to formally evict someone, even your own child, with legal documents through the court system. Do it. Third, file a restraining order because when he violates it you can then call the police. Fourth, when he is held by the cops for threatening you, change all the locks and if you can afford it, get a really good alarm system. Get yourself educated, find out the laws to protect yourself. Go down to the police station and find out your rights, exactly what you need to do. You are being held hostage by this kid and it needs to stop right now. Once you take all of those steps, you will cease to be a victim of him and regain your power. Once you do that, you can take your life back and begin to get support about YOU, and what you can do for YOU. First take care of the violence, that's the most important thing, get yourself safe. Then you can begin to pick up the pieces of your life and begin detaching from him in healthy ways. But he needs to be contained immediately. This has to stop NOW. You cannot live like this any longer. Take the necessary steps to get safe and keep posting here. As you can see, many of us have been in your shoes. There is much experience here. We welcome you. I'm glad you found us. Sending caring hugs your way. Go take care of yourself TODAY!

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok...NoHope..you have found a home and please dont think you can never post or its too soon.

Whew thats out of my system. Your son is abusing you. If he was your husband or a stranger he would be arrested and locked up for years. Is your house still a mess from yesterday? If so, call the police right now and make a report and have your son charged with aggravated assault, vandalism, and everything else the police can think of. Then tell them you want him gone. That you are afraid of him. Call the domestic violence center and talk to them. They can help you. You may need to go stay with them for a bit until your son is arrested or if he makes bail.

Whatever happens, make sure your prosecutor knows how your son has threatened you and you need him not to be able to get near you. Even if that means he has to wear an ankle bracelet so they know he is a certain place. You may need an alarm system and/or learn to carry a weapon. Your son sounds downright dangerous. For a child to throw a mother down a set of stairs and to tell her to hang herself so he could have pictures to enjoy...well Im sorry, that is just sociopathic behavior. Do you have any male relatives that could come and stay with you for awhile?

 

[CrazyinVA]

First,welcome. There are many of us here who understand... you are not alone. As Janet said, please don't ever hesitate to post -- that's what we're here for.

I agree with the others. Please, make two phone calls today. One to a domestic violence shelter, and one to the police. Find out what your rights are, and what the eviction laws are. Keep the phone with you/on you and dial 911 if his violent behavior starts again. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. You do NOT deserve this treatment. Calling a male relative or friend is a good idea if that's an option. Have a safety plan in place for yourself.

Hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

I am so worried about you. I wish you lived near me. I would either have you come here or have one of my boys go there to protect you.

 

[elizabrary]

I can't really add any better advice than has been given here already. I just want you to know that everyone here gets it like nobody else does. You MUST call the police and press charges the next time your son is violent. It is very hard to be objective with our own children, but as someone else suggested you have to evaluate your response to his behavior as if he were a stranger. I have to do that a lot with my daughter and it has made a huge difference. When you think of it that way you can't believe some of the awful behavior you have tolerated. Hang in there and jump on here whenever you need to. That's why PE exists! I have written a few crazy rants myself over time on this forum. And thank God I had a place to vent!

 

[Nancy]

No hope, you have found us so there is hope. I agree with what everyone said about calling the police anytime he is violent. Check the laws in your state to see if you can kick him out now or have to file a 30 day eviction notice. The police told us if our difficult child ever left the home overnight we did not have to let her back in. She tried kicking in the door once and we called the police,and they came and told her she had to leave.

You are being abused and need help getting out of that situation. Do you have any family that can help? You do not have to live this way. I know it's frightening and you feel hopeless but there is help out there.

Nancy

 

[pasajes4]

Do not wait to call the police. Take pictures of the damage go to court file domestic violence charges on him. Go some place safe. Yes, your house will be damaged...it is any way. GET THE HELL OUT NOW!

 

[BKS]

Dear No Hope;

I discovered this group last week and it has given me sanity when I thought my husband and I were alone dealing with a difficult child like my son.

That said, please don't hesitate to reach out. I agree with the others that slowly but surely you will be amazed at the **** you have been putting up with. We threw my son out last Friday and he was rude to me today and I thought "wow, I have been putting up with this forever and never questioned it was wrong until it reached the level of no return."

I don't know the laws in your state but I implore you to do what you can to protect your safety. I am finding that most/all of the recovery groups say that a parent needs to let go and spend 100% of their time taking care of themselves. I wish you the best. You are in my prayers, especially as a single parent.

-BKS

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs))))))

What your son is doing is called domestic violence, regardless of any dxes he may or may not have. It is against the law, and you do NOT have to be a victim.

Contact your local domestic violence shelter (phone book, google search...call the police station and ask for the hotline number) and ask them for help. They have very wise people whom you can talk to who know the ins and outs of the laws and have usually been there themselves and can give you excellent advice, as well as a safe place to stay if you should need it.

Call the police any time he is violent. Press charges, and stick to your guns. Get an order of protection and stick to it (it applies equally to both of you), if he breaks it call the police immediately. He is an adult, no longer a child. He will go to jail and sit there unless someone bails him out.

But please, please call your local domestic violence shelter asap.

Yes your son has dxes, but that is no reason for you to have to endure his abuse and violence.

I'm so very sorry you're having to go through this. My prayers are with you.

((((hugs)))))

 

[FlowerGarden]

I agree with everyone else. Call the police immediately since he has threatened to kill you. Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing.

 

[dashcat]

No Hope,
You need to get a restraining order NOW. What you have described is a nightmare. What has stopped you from calling the police again? Your son is dangerous and you are in danger. We are here to support you though this, but you have to be the one to take the first step.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with something so frightening, but don't let his threats stop you from protecting yourself.

Dash

 

[susiestar]

No Hope, the others are all correct. First, it is NEVER too soon to post here - NEVER. Welcome, and I am glad you are here but sorry you need to be here.

Second, you MUST call the police and file charges and not drop them EVERY time he is violent or threatening to you. Get pics of the damage, get the cops there, and get the local domestic violence people involved as well. Do NOT stay there if you feel he will hurt you. Keep a charged cell phone in your pocket at ALL times - even if you have to get a pay as you go second one for while your main one is charging. After the first round of minutes to activate your phone you won't actually need to buy minutes - ALL cell phones must be able to call 911 even if they don't have minutes. But you NEED to have one on your physical person at all times. Practice dialing it with-o looking at it so you can dial it if he is in your face and he won't see you.

If you have evicted him and he won't go, then he is trespassing and that is a crime. If he breaks a window or door, that is breaking and entering and is a crime. the criminal charges will stack up, esp after he is evicted and he may do jail time. that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't take his phone calls or have ANY interaction wtih him with-o a law enforcement person there. Keep asking for a restraining order, and don't' let ANY violation slip.

Your children are supposed to love you, not hurt and abuse you. there is NO shame or guilt to be owned by you. HE owns it all and don't let yourself take it upon your shoulders.

Get a therapist from the dv organization to help you with your feelings in this situation. It is normal to be very upset and confused and to need help dealing with this - esp as you have had to deal with this for years. If they tell you they don't know how to help with a child abusing a parent, ask them to work with you and help you figure it out anyway. I did this when my son was 14 (he is 21 next month!) and it was good for me, the therapist, and the organization. I got the help I needed, the therapist learned how to help others like me, and the org as a whole realized how real this problem is and that they could help with it just like with other dv issues. So PLEASE get the dv organization in your area to help you.

Safety has to be the first priority. I would have the cops there when you kick him out. Get some pepper spray to carry. Get him OUT of there even if you have to evict him. Stay at the dv center if you need to. This is NOT your fault.

 

[toughlovin]

No Hope,

I am concerned about your safety and I hope you post an update soon. I know others have given you good advice about what you should... calling the police and all that. I agree in principal with all that. However I know it can be very difficult to do that, especially on your own child, and it is confusing. Sometimes getting to that point is a process. So I do really recommend you get in touch with a DV organization. In fact your local police department may work with an organization they could refer you to. A good DV organization will not tell you what to do, but instead will work with you to help you figure out what you should do. As far as kicking your son out, there are probably several options, depending on your state. In our case all we had to do was get a no tresspass order. We did not have to do anything with eviction.... and a restraining order will also do it. Given the violence you should have plenty to get a restraining order. Most courts have victim advocates that can help you with the RO process...and many DV agencies also have advocates that can help you do this so you do not have to figure this out all on your own. Please keep posting.

TL

 

[NoHope]

Hello everyone,
First of all, I just wanted to give you all my heartfelt thanks for being so responsive to my first post and public cry for help.
I have read each and every one of your replies.
An update...yesterday morning...after the entire 14-15 hour day of rage - he woke up and said Good morning to me and tried to hug me.
It was like nothing had ever happened. He then left and was gone until about 3am today.
Three of my friends called me last night and met with me this morning. They are all concerned and gave me much of the same
advice you gave to me.
While I was waiting to meet with my friends, my son became angry because I wouldn't give him money or a ride and he kicked and broke
one of my favorite cabinets. Just completely ruined it. I also found a deep scratch on my car that wasn't there yesterday. I am not sure he did it,
but I am suspicious.
I met with the chief of police of my town and another officer. They also gave me the same advice.
Oh, I also called the DV center and they told me to call the police and get a protection order.
Right this minute, I am having deadbolts put on my home. The protection order is being signed by a judge at some point today.
The police are going to meet my son after work and give him a suitcase I am packing for him now and tell him he is not to come home again.
Also, they will inform him about the restraining order.
I can't even describe the feelings I have right now. A bit of relief, but a lot of fear and a terrible feeling that this is so final. I am so afraid
I will never have a relationship with my youngest again. I do love him and have loved him all of these years. I am also afraid of how this will
change our whole family.
I think I am doing the right thing, but I am feeling a very deep feeling of grief.
Thank you again , everyone. I will continue to welcome and read your responses.
NH

 

[InsaneCdn]

You do not know what the future will hold. This is not necessarily the end of the relationship forever... If he hits bottom and gets help for his problems, there will be ways to build bridges again.

 

[recoveringenabler]

NH, thank you for updating us, many of us were very concerned about you. I think you've done all the right things to protect yourself. That has no bearing on the wave of feelings you're having at the same time, I can only imagine your feelings of relief, fear and sorrow. I hope you're able to be with friends or family now.... at least for tonight. Please keep yourself supported, in whatever ways feel comfortable to you. As many of us can tell you, detaching, in whatever way we do it, is a process, we take it one step at a time. You've made a huge choice, a very difficult choice and there will certainly be many feelings as you go through this. You did a very good job of protecting yourself, you did the right thing, and the deep grief is a part of all of it, it's such a difficult choice to make. It is sad. I've experienced that grief as well, .......as you go through this and feel it, it will lessen. As you learn this new landscape, it will lessen more. If you can get yourself a counselor or therapist or a group where you're with others who understand, that would be so helpful (if it feels right to you of course) that has helped me tremendously. You'll find your way, take deep breaths, sleep well, eat well, take very good care of yourself, get as much support as you can, keep posting here, we really get it. Stay in the present moment, you don't know how this will all unfold, you don't know that you will never have a relationship with your son, this will continue to evolve for quite awhile, he is very young and there are many possible outcomes. Just take it one step at a time and take care of YOU now. I'm sorry, I do know how hard this is. I'm sending you caring hugs and gentle wishes that you find some peace now...........

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm so glad you've taken these steps -- it takes a lot of courage and strength, I know. I agree that staying with friends for now might be a good idea. When you are in your home, be sure you still keep that phone in hand or pocket at all times, just in case. I hope you can get in to speak with a DV counselor and/or support group soon as well, you will need to "circle your support wagons" as I like to say -- counselor, friends, family -- whomever you need to get yourself through this difficult time. Stay busy -- sitting add dwelling on it can be the worst thing right now, as self-doubt tends to creep in especially with a manipualative abuser.

Please check back and let us know how it goes. I'm concerned about his reaction to being served, given his history - please keep yourself safe.

Hugs.. you did great.

 

[BKS]

No Hope,

I was checking for a post from you today and am so glad you are doing well and have given an update. I am glad you have take the measures you have for your own safety. We threw my son out last week and it has been a week of ups and downs but we are settling into the peace of not having him around. He was not violent as your son and I pray you soon feel some sense of relief. I found an amazing amount of support here on this group plus al-anon and a group tied to the rehab center my son dropped out of. Hang in there, I am pulling for you and am so sorry you have to go through this.

Best,
BKS

 

[toughlovin]

No Hope,

I am so glad you checked in. I also know you did the right thing. I think it comes to a point where you have to make it clear you wont take abuse from him.... if you don't do that then what lesson does he learn. He cant treat people in society like that and get away with it and so as heartbreaking as it is, this is the beginning of some very hard lessons for him.

I do understand how you feel as I felt very similarly when we kicked my son out when he was 18. Those felt like dark days and I too wondered if I would ever have a relationship with him. I cannot say things are great now because they are not... he has not gotten his life together. However our relationship is better than it was and i do believe he now knows that he is where he is because of his own actions. I dont think he is blaming me anymore.... he is now 21. So ass someone said, he is young and nothing is forever especially at this age.

TL