Detach, detach, detach

[PatriotsGirl]

difficult child just called. She is not living with the roomates anymore - the roomate is back in jail for shoplifting. Again. So she is now staying somewhere else - not in a good area, of course. She told me she was thinking about going to Florida. I said Florida is nice...

She tells me she lost all her things. I told her it is a byproduct of her lifestyle. She tells me hey she was paying rent there and I asked her how she had rent money. She claims "side jobs" and people "hook her up". Uh, yeah, whatever. I asked her if she was looking for a job and her response was that she doesn't have a car. Um, yeah, but you do have two feet! I told her walk her butt to places to apply - you got to do what you got to do.

She tells me she was robbed. I asked her of what?? And she tells me everything. No clue what everything is as she didn't have anything but her clothes. Maybe her tattoo kit? Oh maybe those fancy Gucci sunglasses she was showing off. I don't know. I did not want to get sucked in. I didn't ask.

She tells me she passed out. I told her she should take better care of herself.

And then I told her I had to go because I am in severe dental pain and quite frankly, it hurts to talk. She always calls to tell me about all of these horrible things yet she doesn't want to do anything about it. All it does is make me worry even more...

And I am sitting here thinking really???? This is all better than going in to a program??? I mean, holy cow, I would have been waiving that white flag long ago. I don't get it. I honestly don't. What is the point of telling me this stuff yet not doing anything to change your situation?? Is it just to torture me??

 

[CrazyinVA]

Ugh. I think the point of tellling you is probably to pull at your heartstrings and hope you'll step in and "help" somehow. It's a manipulative way of saying "look mom, how horrible my life is because YOU won't DO anything for me!" I've received similar calls before, and I know it's very frustrating.

I think you did a GREAT job in your responses, even though I know it was killing you inside. You should be proud of yourself for that!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you - I am trying. I know that me stepping in to save her does nothing but put us all back where we were. I am so so so adamant that the help I will give will be rehab. If life were that bad, there is rehab. Rehab has beds, food, warmth (or air now...lol). From there she could move on to sober living and learn how to live on her own the right way. Knowing that is the only right thing for her to do, makes it a little easier for me.

Oh, and she posted two nasty Facebook status updates that have me shaking my head and rolling my eyes:

"make money stack paper what the f*** thinking you hater cant reach me im as high as the stars an my work is bettta then yours try me up b**** ill punk you out sit the f*** down an chill your a** out"

and then this lovely one:

"make it drizzle i make it rain its asap shawty i bring the hurricane you scary you scary b**** you know im fly i got it going on like a gangsta barbie we geeked up n tryn to party an everyone stops DAMN wheres my long c***!!!"

Cute, huh? Oh, by the way, she told me once that her nickname was asap. And she is going to bring the hurricane? What do you think that means?? I certainly know what geeked up means!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Hound dog]

You did AWESOME PG!!!!!!!!!

Telling you is so you'll offer help to make the situation for her better so she can continue as she's doing. been there done that with bff. Didn't work with me even when she told me her kids were going hungry. My reply was then perhaps you should skip shooting up this week or visit the food pantry. Did unfortunately work with her family who enabled her to death......literally.

I hated these calls from bff.

((hugs))

 

[dashcat]

You did great, PG. I know it makes no sense but she just isn't ready to face it. When she is, she knows you'll be there for her. Ugh on the FB stuff. Sheesh.
Dash

 

[Jena]

you did great, and she's just 17 i read on your signature?? it's hard work, isn't it? I don't know maybe its their sick and distorted way of venting because they've used up their friends and trying to establish a distorted and impossible friendship!?!

yet they don't get we're their mom's..... it just doestn' work that way at that age! maybe in 20s or 30s yet at her age no way! lol

you did great. i did exact same with easy child on mother's day before she blew. i want to join the army? oh really which branch?

I want to go to beauty school? oh sounds like a good idea.

I want to this that and the other??????/ oh really great
her facebook stuff, i am not her friend on it safer that way. block her so you dont' have to see you two can still email. that's how we have it. i dont' need to read my easy child's daily sex updates and she's poppin std's nutjob that she is!

someday the apologies will flow the laughs will come. sit tight!!

((((Hugs))))

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh, I am not her friend on Facebook. But she has everything public and visible. I check it out once in a while. Yes, she is 17. She will be 18 in 152 days. She hasn't lived here since she turned 17, really. I mean, she was "living" here for a little over a month around Christmas. (Long enough to get on our good graces for a decent Christmas.) Even then, she only came home once or twice a week to sleep and eat for a day or two before she would be out again. My goodness, I sure don't miss that!!!! I don't miss much to be honest. The sweet times. I miss those. The times she would curl up next to me and put her head on my shoulder while we watched a movie. I miss the laughter, too. When her and husband were in a good mood and bantering, man, it was like the house was SO alive! Unfortunately, the bad times way outnumbered the good.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

I can so much relate to everything about your difficult child's attitudes and behaviors - it is exactly the same with our difficult child right down to the gangsta-talk, except ours is fast approaching 31. Your dtr is supposedly destitute, yet has ready access to a computer to update her Facebook page. Same with mine, she has no food, no transportation, no home - but she has the latest model cell phone with apparently unlimited air time, somehow.

They hang out with thieves and then wonder why their things get stolen. The renege on commitments whenever there's a party somewhere and then are hurt when they get stood up. They spend all their money on drugs, tattoos, fancy clothes and toys, and want somebody else to provide food, transportation and shelter. You really want to just scream "Why can't you figure it out!? You do this stuff, it comes back to bite you like it ALWAYS does, and you want me to feel sorry and fix it all for you just so you can GO DO IT AGAIN?!".

Your title said it all: detach, detach, detach - it's the only way to stay sane and have a semblance of a life.

Everyone is right about the purpose of the calls being to get you to rescue her. We've been around the block on that so many times - streets, rescue, rehab, home, doing good, stalling out, backsliding, spiralling down, back on the streets, over and over and over. difficult child always promises the world to get back home, and then she can usually keep up apperances at least or sometimes really walk the walk, for anywhere between two days up to 15 months. It's those long periods of recovery that get your hopes up all over again and make the bad times recede enough in memory that we slip into the old patterns without even realizing it until she's in full-blown free fall and we're devastated all over again. Finally this time wife will stick with never letting difficult child live with us again - there are circumstances which truly put it beyond our control: a social worker who comes once a week for counseling with easy child 1 and has told wife that if difficult child moves back, we will be reported to DHS as endangering easy child 1 and possibly have her taken away.

But getting back to your situation, you did very well in your responses! Bravo, well done!

 

[1905]

Good job...Here's my favorite, "You're s smart girl, I'm sure you'll figure something out." or "Someone's ringing the doorbell, I have to go." or "Let me get back to you on that one". I think there was a list of sayings around here somewhere, to keep handy when difficult child calls.

 

[HaoZi]

Thank you - I am trying. I know that me stepping in to save her does nothing but put us all back where we were. I am so so so adamant that the help I will give will be rehab. If life were that bad, there is rehab. Rehab has beds, food, warmth (or air now...lol). From there she could move on to sober living and learn how to live on her own the right way. Knowing that is the only right thing for her to do, makes it a little easier for me.

Oh, and she posted two nasty Facebook status updates that have me shaking my head and rolling my eyes:

"make money stack paper what the f*** thinking you hater cant reach me im as high as the stars an my work is bettta then yours try me up b**** ill punk you out sit the f*** down an chill your a** out"

and then this lovely one:

"make it drizzle i make it rain its asap shawty i bring the hurricane you scary you scary b**** you know im fly i got it going on like a gangsta barbie we geeked up n tryn to party an everyone stops DAMN wheres my long c***!!!"

Cute, huh? Oh, by the way, she told me once that her nickname was asap. And she is going to bring the hurricane? What do you think that means?? I certainly know what geeked up means!!!!!!!!!!

Don't quote me on this, but I think those are lyrics.

 

[toughlovin]

You did great PG!!! You are offering her real help when she want it in rehab, until then do exactly what you are doing. It kills you inside but it is the only way she will ever get real help rather than just being temporarily rescued.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Don't quote me on this, but I think those are lyrics.

I was wondering that and tried to google them, but nothing came up....I even broke it up into parts but nothing came up unless she is writing her own. Actually, the first thing that popped up was this post....

 

[HaoZi]

There's a rhythm and a rhyme scheme to them that sounds like to music, even in type. Might not be an artist big enough for their lyrics to be online, or might be so new they're not up yet, but it sure sounds like lyrics.

 

[elizabrary]

OMG- you have a rap star in the making! I am ROTFL!!!! My daughter posts that same type of dumb stuff on her status. They think it's so cool and they actually look ridiculous. A few days ago when Kat got mad because I wouldn't let her take my car she grabbed the baby and said, "Fine, I'll just walk back to Emily's." I just went on into the food court and ordered my food and started eating. Of course a few minutes later she showed back up, so I bought them lunch, but she just wanted me to chase after her. It's hard not doing those things, but it feels so good when we do! Great job! Keep it up!

 

[Hound dog]

Ditto HaoZi. I've got several people on fb that post similar from various songs.

When it really gets disturbing is one of them is my niece who is only a year younger than me. sheesh

 

[KFld]

by the way, she told me once that her nickname was asap. And she is going to bring the hurricane? What do you think that means?? I certainly know what geeked up means!!!!!!!!!!

This one has me cracking up!! I have no idea what it means, but it sounds pretty amusing

 

[troubled]

((HUGS))) I think you are doing good! I can't even talk to my difficult child right now without worrying that I will just start crying. You know difficult child better than anyone else so you know why she is calling you. Probably all of the reasons you stated plus some! Mine will complain to anyone who's willing to listen and hope that they take care of her problems for her so she doesn't have to. Then when it doesn't work out, she blames whoever it was that tried to help. It's always someone else's fault. So childish. Stay strong!

 

[troubled]

upallnight:


Where is that list? I may need it soon. My Mom and sister can't help themselves when difficult child calls. They want to know every detail and they get sucked right into it but they know that if they let her stay with them, they will be in the same situation I was before I put her out and that was a living He!!. My Mom has taken to sounding like a broken record, giving a speech about how difficult child should get a job, go to school, dump the loser boyfriend, etc. Same speech over and over until difficult child hangs up on her in frustration. But we all worry more about her when no one hears from her for awhile.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Here's the thread with the list:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f21/*lets-brainstorm-make-list*-685/