Detaching from eldest difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Marcie Mac, May 23, 2007.

  1. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Yes - I am finally admitting I have more than one difficult child. One kid off the wall I can handle - two in my life is one too many, especially one who is crawling up on her 40's. I am just now getting up off the floor, again, where I have been sniffing way too much of the dog hair of depression.

    The lies, manilipulations, the drama - I almost od'd on it. Even though I was well aware of the kinks in her personality having been on the receiving end of lies and stunts that could have cost me my job, not once, but twice, I realize that being aware does not stop one from being sucked up into a vortex and its not till you hit the floor you start putting two and two together.

    Its been pretty horrific since the beginning of the year here -accusations that Danny stole money from her and one of Nate's Xmas presents, was constantly rifling her room, goading him into melt downs so I would kick him out and then laying guilt trips on me because I wouldn't do anything, didn't I realize she had nothing, and he stole from her and her kids. And then I got the "its him or me" theme for a while. She could have won an acadamy award. I wasn't buying any of it. I could tell from Dans responses when confronted he didn't do it.

    So, the missing stuff showed up when she was moving but she lied to my face saying it was "other" money she had been saving (It wasn't), and it was a "replacement" present she had bought Nate so he wouldn't feel bad that Uncle Danny stole his. Nevermind that SO had found this present a few weeks before and gave it to her. He said she had asked him what she should do cause she had already accused Danny - he told her he did not get involved in difficult child issues (LOL) and she needed to do the right thing.

    Most people would take that to mean a sincere apology, not her, it was a signal she could carry on letting everyone believe the theft story and no one but SO would be the wiser and surely he would not spill the beans, he said he wouldn't ...wrong...Not to mention she did Jamie in about lying about a ticket she received and said she took care of - car was in his name and now HE is in deep doo - she emailed me to tell me she was in an accident after she left my house and totaled the car on the freeway - brakes gave out - but she and the kids are fine - her nerves are a little shot. Oh and can you take Wyatt to the hearing test, and by the way, did Jamie send in the paper that he no longer owns the car?? Hmmmm, how nice of you to tell me three freaking days later via email. Knowing how she plays drama to the hilt, four out of four family members don't even BELIEVE she had an accident - how sad is that..

    So she has managed to alienate now her entire family - the boys are so done with her, and me, I am pretty much heartbroken over the whole ordeal. Communication has been broken off and what little there is, is done by email. Course don't you know the vague hint of not having any more contact with the grandkids was brought up..again...

    We are all heaving a sigh of relief that the tension in the household has dropped. Lives are going back to some sembalance of sanity - well - as much as you can with one difficult child still in residence anyway. But its hard for me not to mourn the fact that my eldest did not turn out to be a person of good character and that she can never ever be counted on to do the right thing.

  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Marcie, that is so heartwrenching!
    all we want is normal. or close to it. normal kids, hapy grandchildren to love. we worry. they continue to hurt us.

    for now rest up. she will be getting overwhelmed by not having you interact with the kids, and will want you again.

    keep a healthy distance. let her miss you. kids tend to miss and reach out to even the worst parents. she will reach back out to you, a good parent, when she grows her brain again.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    :rolleyes: Sorry she is putting you through this. She is definitley old enough for you to detatch totally. If she can't take care of herself at this point in her life, doesn't sound to promising that she ever will be able to.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry Marcie.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Marcie, you really need to print this post to remind yourself of what you've been through the last few months so that when she comes crawling back (which she will eventually) you won't be offer to be the safety net again. She has so grossly abused your generosity of pocketbook and spirit that I wish I could shake her silly. :grrr:

    Big hugs,
  6. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Suz</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> She has so grossly abused your generosity of pocketbook and spirit that I wish I could shake her silly. :grrr:


    Yeah. :mad:


    Still, we have to try.

    How old are your grandchildren, and how are they taking all this?

  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Suz</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> She has so grossly abused your generosity of pocketbook and spirit that I wish I could shake her silly. :grrr:</div></div>

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I agree with Suz. Keep a printed copy of this on hand for later.

    It stinks that at almost forty maturity still hasn't managed to catch up to her. :rolleyes:

  9. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Sorry you are all going through this. Enjoy the sigh of relief for a while.

    Sounds like correspondence through email is the best thing for a while. Less drama in email. :slap:

    Hopefully you will still be able to have a relationship with the grandkids. I think you will since she still seems rather dependant on you for help with the kids.

  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Marcie, I think writing her a letter(even if you never mail it) is a good way to put your feelings down and sort them. I know you felt close to her until the last four or five years.
    Right now, she is a liar but even worse, she has become a bully to the very people she depends on to pick up her pieces when she falls apart.
    There is nothing worse than a bully except for those that, emotionally blackmail their loved ones to get their way. She seems to have developed both these negative characteristics.

    Regardless of the pros and cons of your mothering, you don't deserve to be bullied or blackmailed. It's time to throw away your guilt and self doubt. She is way out of line. If you put up a little armor and speak to her as the difficult "child" she has become, hopefully she will grow up. You are not responsible for her negative personality traits. No matter how hard she tries to b.s. you into believing it.
    You are the most tolerant, kindest woman I know. Don't let her take that joy out of your spirit. Fight back and preserve it.</span>
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ah, Marcie, I'm sorry that she is being so awful. It's nice that she is out of the house, and hopefully after things have calmed down a bit she will decide that mom isn't such a bad babysitter, after all, and will at least let you see the grandkids.

    In the meantime, take a deep breath and don't stress yourself about what's going on in her head. It doesn't get you anywhere....
  12. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Thanks to all of you - I HAVE prined this out to read when I need to.

    I pretty much have come to terms that I will not be seeing Nate or Wyatt much, probably more like not at all. She has pulled the "you won't see them again" stunt with both of their fathers -it bugs the cr*p out of me to no end she would try and do it to me - this is nothing she has seen modeled at home. Any thoughts of what I personally thought of my kids dads were never voiced out loud, and access was never ever denied, cept with Danny due to the violence, and even then I had the court order therapy so there would NOT be a distance. Despite my mother and myself having issues, the kids were never denied access to their grandmother or other family members. Don't know where she got the idea to use others get back or to cause hurt..sigh..

    She has crossed the line. Jamie is still a bit miffed at me because I didn't call her out and confront her (and made a point of doing it himself on my behalf) - but I have learned not to waste a lot of energy taking someone to task who is spiteful and vindictive and just plain mean - I never feel better afterwards because my mouth can get pretty hurtful when I am full on upset and all I get out of it is a spike in my blood pressure.

    I know I didn't derserve her behavior - I have been nothing but supportive, over the top supportive - she has been nothing but a user, liar and manilipulator. I am stepping back and stepping out of the little drama she calls her life. And I will be perfectly ok doing it.

  13. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Sorry for the continued drama at your place.

    sounds like daughter is being overly spiteful and detaching is probably the best thing to do. Create an armour for yourself that she cannot penetrate. she'll probably get over it soon enough and come a askin' for something. You could/should be very busy and can't accommodate whatever she needs.

    Keeping in touch with the grandkids via USPS is probably safer. They'll enjoy getting mail and you'll enjoy sending it.