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Detaching with grandkids?
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 452415" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I struggle with this constantly. Youngest and her 2 kids are currently living with me. I feel that she downright neglects them at times&#8230; from a nutrition, health and hygiene standpoint. Not to mention the times she ignores them while on the phone texting with whomever; I worry that the baby in particular will get hurt when she's not watching what she's getting into.. She has a new boyfriend and she's taking the kids to stay with him almost every weekend. It all drives me nuts. </p><p></p><p>On one particular week, I was in emotional agony. I hated watching the way Youngest parented her kids, and I felt terribly sorry for them, to the point where part of me wanted to take over to be sure they had a better life. Yet, I can't take over. I know I can't take custody of two small children all by myself, even temporarily. I don't have the energy, physically or emotionally. I raised my two difficult children by myself and still have some PTSD from the trauma of the most difficult years. I can't raise two more. I was torn apart by my conflicting feelings. I went into my therapists office and quickly burst into tears. </p><p></p><p>So, my therapist told me, I needed to get off the dang fence. She gave me the analogy of sitting on a fence, with fields on either side. One was the field where I jump in and take over parenting these kids. One was where Youngest parents her own kids without me, even if poorly. She said it's not just any fence, it's a barbed-wire fence, so sitting on it and moving back and forth between the fields was incredibly painful. Darn straight it is. I have to decide which field I'm in, and stay there, and get off that horrible fence of pain. Since I know I can't be in the field of taking over the parenting, I have to figure out how to stay comfortable on the other side.</p><p></p><p>I'm working hard on minding my own business and biting my tongue when I disagree with her parenting techniques (I have trouble with that, last night was a particularly tough one). I have to accept that Youngest may never be a good mother, and that she may always be neglectful, and that these kids will never have the life that I might have wanted for them. I have to grieve the life they won't have, really (talk about painful). And I have to dump the guilt over not being able to take over. Even if I did take over, it wouldn't be enough for them.. they'd always, naturally, want their own mother. I wouldn't be enough. If her neglect reaches the point where I think the grandkids are in physical danger, I'll have to call CPS. But if the neglect just means she is a lousy parent, I have to let it go. That is SO hard to do.. but I'm working on it. </p><p></p><p>Like Lisa, I just try to be a grandmother. Step in and help occasionally, and model good behavior, without taking over. I hold back &#8230; if she's not preparing healthy meals for them regularly, I can cook once a week to ensure that on that one day, they get a decent meal (but I won't take over daily meals, that's her job even if they live in my house). If she's not doing laundry often enough and they're wearing dirty clothes, I can throw a few in with one of my loads occasionally (but I won't do a special load of just their clothes). If the kids are sticky and smelly from not being bathed for a few days, I can give them a bath (but I won't take over daily bathing). </p><p></p><p>It's really, really hard. Detaching when grandkids are involved is more difficult, and more painful, than any detachment I ever learned with either of my difficult children by themselves. I have to learn to let a lot of things go, and simply not think about them. I couldn't do it without the help of my wonderful therapist. I have good days, and bad days. But I'm getting there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 452415, member: 1157"] I struggle with this constantly. Youngest and her 2 kids are currently living with me. I feel that she downright neglects them at times… from a nutrition, health and hygiene standpoint. Not to mention the times she ignores them while on the phone texting with whomever; I worry that the baby in particular will get hurt when she's not watching what she's getting into.. She has a new boyfriend and she's taking the kids to stay with him almost every weekend. It all drives me nuts. On one particular week, I was in emotional agony. I hated watching the way Youngest parented her kids, and I felt terribly sorry for them, to the point where part of me wanted to take over to be sure they had a better life. Yet, I can't take over. I know I can't take custody of two small children all by myself, even temporarily. I don't have the energy, physically or emotionally. I raised my two difficult children by myself and still have some PTSD from the trauma of the most difficult years. I can't raise two more. I was torn apart by my conflicting feelings. I went into my therapists office and quickly burst into tears. So, my therapist told me, I needed to get off the dang fence. She gave me the analogy of sitting on a fence, with fields on either side. One was the field where I jump in and take over parenting these kids. One was where Youngest parents her own kids without me, even if poorly. She said it's not just any fence, it's a barbed-wire fence, so sitting on it and moving back and forth between the fields was incredibly painful. Darn straight it is. I have to decide which field I'm in, and stay there, and get off that horrible fence of pain. Since I know I can't be in the field of taking over the parenting, I have to figure out how to stay comfortable on the other side. I'm working hard on minding my own business and biting my tongue when I disagree with her parenting techniques (I have trouble with that, last night was a particularly tough one). I have to accept that Youngest may never be a good mother, and that she may always be neglectful, and that these kids will never have the life that I might have wanted for them. I have to grieve the life they won't have, really (talk about painful). And I have to dump the guilt over not being able to take over. Even if I did take over, it wouldn't be enough for them.. they'd always, naturally, want their own mother. I wouldn't be enough. If her neglect reaches the point where I think the grandkids are in physical danger, I'll have to call CPS. But if the neglect just means she is a lousy parent, I have to let it go. That is SO hard to do.. but I'm working on it. Like Lisa, I just try to be a grandmother. Step in and help occasionally, and model good behavior, without taking over. I hold back … if she's not preparing healthy meals for them regularly, I can cook once a week to ensure that on that one day, they get a decent meal (but I won't take over daily meals, that's her job even if they live in my house). If she's not doing laundry often enough and they're wearing dirty clothes, I can throw a few in with one of my loads occasionally (but I won't do a special load of just their clothes). If the kids are sticky and smelly from not being bathed for a few days, I can give them a bath (but I won't take over daily bathing). It's really, really hard. Detaching when grandkids are involved is more difficult, and more painful, than any detachment I ever learned with either of my difficult children by themselves. I have to learn to let a lot of things go, and simply not think about them. I couldn't do it without the help of my wonderful therapist. I have good days, and bad days. But I'm getting there. [/QUOTE]
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