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General Parenting
"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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<blockquote data-quote="confuzzled" data-source="post: 384343" data-attributes="member: 8831"><p>it still seems to me that for natural consequences to work, one must <em>care</em> about those consequences.</p><p> </p><p>i think thats where something gets lost in difficult child translation.</p><p> </p><p>my difficult child is the type who could care less if she smells, even if someone she admired said so. </p><p> </p><p>mine could care less if she lived in a pigsty, even if she got sick from it.</p><p> </p><p>my difficult child could care less if she flunks school, even if it will alter the course of her life dramatically.</p><p> </p><p>her brain doesnt work like that. she's not particularly societally motivated, and internal motivation for many thing we take for granted is less than steller.</p><p> </p><p>maybe i'm wrong, but i dont necessarily think typical natural consequences (particularly the abstract or consequences that are so far in the future its hard to see the point---almost like "smoking will kill you"...well, will it kill me right this second or 40 years from now) are always useful in difficult child world...especially if they don't care about the repercussion. i personally know i do not want to pick up the pieces of her life down the road, so those natural consequences motivate ME to figure out what consequences, if any, *will* motivate. we all do have our currency---sometimes its just not the currency that should be logical.</p><p> </p><p>i think always putting the onus on a difficult child to suffer the natural consequence is pretty unfair....they really wouldn't be difficult child's if they always "got it". they live in the moment--consequences do need to occur, but they need to be swift--and the threat of eventually "your friends will say you stink" doesnt solve the immediate problem.</p><p> </p><p>i dont know what the right answer truly is except to say no one should have to tolerate filth (or a person or place) in their own home, and its pretty unfair to expect you to. </p><p> </p><p>just my two cents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="confuzzled, post: 384343, member: 8831"] it still seems to me that for natural consequences to work, one must [I]care[/I] about those consequences. i think thats where something gets lost in difficult child translation. my difficult child is the type who could care less if she smells, even if someone she admired said so. mine could care less if she lived in a pigsty, even if she got sick from it. my difficult child could care less if she flunks school, even if it will alter the course of her life dramatically. her brain doesnt work like that. she's not particularly societally motivated, and internal motivation for many thing we take for granted is less than steller. maybe i'm wrong, but i dont necessarily think typical natural consequences (particularly the abstract or consequences that are so far in the future its hard to see the point---almost like "smoking will kill you"...well, will it kill me right this second or 40 years from now) are always useful in difficult child world...especially if they don't care about the repercussion. i personally know i do not want to pick up the pieces of her life down the road, so those natural consequences motivate ME to figure out what consequences, if any, *will* motivate. we all do have our currency---sometimes its just not the currency that should be logical. i think always putting the onus on a difficult child to suffer the natural consequence is pretty unfair....they really wouldn't be difficult child's if they always "got it". they live in the moment--consequences do need to occur, but they need to be swift--and the threat of eventually "your friends will say you stink" doesnt solve the immediate problem. i dont know what the right answer truly is except to say no one should have to tolerate filth (or a person or place) in their own home, and its pretty unfair to expect you to. just my two cents. [/QUOTE]
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"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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