Detaching

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by FTN, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. FTN

    FTN New Member

    I know if I tried to detach myself from this situation, the thought crosses my mind more and more, from SO + difficult child, I'm pretty sure SO would kill herself.

    I didn't realize I was the only one thinking of detaching until I read ottb's post.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    detaching, like breaking up?
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she's that unstable--I know you're a responsible young man with high morals, but if she does something to herself it's not your fault. I feel bad that you have taken on so much at such a young age and feel so responsible for so many people...I hope SO gets the help she needs. I know you can't force it.
     
  4. Lostparent

    Lostparent New Member

    Does your SO know how you feel?Are you able to have an open and honest talk with her?If not than I believe your bound for failer anyways.Communication is key and with out it where can you possible go?
    Maybe it's time to take a harder look at the relationship and what you are willing to lve with.I wish you luck in whatever your decision.
    I call athorities on my ex and told them he was suicidal and they took him in for a 72hr evaluation.I know it's extreme but you may want to consider it.
     
  5. FTN

    FTN New Member

    I don't think she does. But a couple of times shes gotten herself worked up saying how she doesn't think she deserves me. Then she'll insist she goes out to the couch. Of course I pull her back and reassure her. It hasn't happened for about two months thankfully.
     
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    FTN - you cannot possibly be responsible for the choices your SO makes, nor can you be responsible for her happiness. I have to agree completely with Lostparent's post.

    It boils down to what you are willing to live with. I think my husband would advise gentle support combined with gentle encouragement to seek professional help - he's been there done that though perhaps to a lesser degree.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Have you called a local battered womens shelter to see about getting her FREE help, reading material or advice?

    Have you yourself gone to seek counseling to see how you are being manipulated by a person who isn't living, just existing?

    My x - attempted suicide 12 times in our 13 years of marriage. The last time he threatened I wasn't there - I had left. I had enough.

    He is 52 today. He is still trying to attempt suicide when he doesn't get his way and still doing drugs, still drinking, still not working, still not having a family, still beating women he's in relationships with, still going to jail, still driving without a license, still breaking laws, still begging people for money to pay his bills, still stealing from people, still scamming the innocent,still hoping that someone will come along and pay his way, still BiPolar (BP) and self medicating and still a psychopath.

    You know what is different about that scenario in the 21 years I've known him? Gave him a son - suffered through a 13 year marriage ?

    NOTHING - except for the fact that I am not there to see it or suffer with him!!!!!! ANd there was NO sense in suffering - because he had PLENTY of opportunities to get help - 17 stints in rehab, psychologists, medications, court ordered this and that - and nope - he didn't have a problem. He put off counseling and finally refused to go. I endured all the above and more for 13 years. I worked 3 jobs while he did nothing or sub-contracted on the side then blew his money. I kept a pristeen clean home. I raised our son. I put food on the table and clothes on everyones back, and paid the bills - took a beating and kept on doing it for 13 miserable years.

    Then I got counseling for myself because all attempts to get him to come or go - were ignored. And I found out that while I thought I was being the obedient wife and spouse - I was wrong. The proof is in the fact that I left him 8 years ago - and he hasn't changed - or gotten worse -he's still HIM. That's who he is. My love wasn't going to make him be a decent human being or get him out of his depression, or stop him from taking drugs, drinking, beating women, stealing, not working, being a criminal - THOSE were things HE had to want to change.

    I waited from my 10th wedding anniversary - to the 13th and then left. I tried our entire marriage to help him. The last three years - were the worst. I spent the last year seeking therapy for myself so that when I left I left knowing I had done everything I possibly could. I left - knowing it was the only way my life would ever change. I have NO regrets today. None, not a single one when it comes to leaving him. Only maybe - that i had left sooner.

    I don't know what it is that you are searching for. But if you are unsure about leaving her - then get some assistance - you don't have to tell her about it - and maybe somewhere in the process you'll be lucky and hear something from the mouth of a professional that you CAN apply to your own situation/marriage.

    I can tell you about people who do commit suicide - if they are going to do it - they just do it. x's uncle just left me a note on the back door that said "Don't come in - call 911." WIth my x - I always got the "IF you leave I'll die." Well lucky me - it's been 8 years and he's still around miserable as ever.

    I hope something in this post helps you see that you aren't being noble by standing by your woman - you're enabling her to continue being the victim. I had hoped when I left my x - that it would jerk him into reality and see that he DID have someone who loved him unconditionally, he DID have a great wife, he DID have a fantastic kid - but no - instead of helping himself - he just chose to stay where he was and let us walk out of his life. He did try to commit suicide but even the doctor at the hospital and the nurse said it was a cry for help - he left a note on his mothers table - he lived very close. She found him and called 911. Then a months later due to a girlfriend leaving him (yeah he waited a long time after I left to get a woman) he tried to kill himself again by threatening to jump off a high-profile structure. Cops were called, traffic was stopped, and instead of going to jail - he went to the psychiatric ward. Baker acted. Not even a year later - he pretended he took a bunch of pills - they pumped his stomach and found 6 aspirin - After I found out about what he did do to our son I wish he would have called ME for suicide assistance - I would give it to him.

    Fact remains - he was depressed and didn't seek help whether I was there or not - and I only have one life to live - I wanted to do that - live it. I am currently being adored by a man that treats me very well, and I love it and I love him.

    Big hugs - you're really in a tough spot - been there done that and got a divorce after 13 years of trying and not getting a day younger. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all, not even suggesting it. I just thought you'd like a different approach to being married to someone who would throw the suicide threat on the table to get their way.

    Star
     
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