Detachment 101

[Star*]

I had been asked recently in a PM by a lovely person if they felt they made a difference. Most certainly they do and have for quite as long as they have been here. It got me to thinking about how I have helped and - and I meant to tell her this, but forgot.

If anything that I say or have said over the years helped just one person then I am proud of what I have done here.

I thought since we have Detachment 101 - I would try to do something creative - this is what I got.

D – eveloping & maining parenting skills that help you butt out
E - ngaging in healthy, stress-free activities that do not involve saving our children
T – aking time to reflect, redirect, and restablish boundaries
A – ppreciating our children for who they are not what they are not.
C – aring for ourselves &our children and realizing that it can mean doing nothing
H –ope
M –ental health and recognizing it’s okay to talk about our problems & find solutions
E – ntertain thoughts that it may never get better with our kids. Learning to deal with that.
N – ever give up loving ourselves, our children, our families, our friends.
T – ime – something we can’t rush or push to please our schedules and learning to wait.
S – upport system – find the best one you can and learn to lean on it.

1 – I am only one person but I can make a difference
0 – The number of people I will help if I don’t ever offer assistance
1 – The number of people I would hope to help by educating with my knowledge

 

[witzend]

Very nice, Star.

 

[DammitJanet]

Cute star! Whoever wonders if they have helped, I think everyone here helps someone and probably many someone's. I always thought I could never help anyone because I am just a nobody. I am not trained in anything but accounting and casework for social services. A few times I have been able to answer questions about that kind of thing. Over the years though, I have learned quite a lot about mental health and now I think I have a fair bit of knowledge. At least I know a lot about me...lol.

 

[totoro]

Oh Star* and Janet you have both taught me SO much!
All of you have...
Especially those of you who have older kids.
Even though I have lived a rough and chronic difficult child life it still is so much different when you wake up and realize you have 2 little girls who need you and need you to be stable.
I need the support of outsiders and people who can look at my life without my pain at the moment.

Most of you can, especially when I am in the middle of being unable to detach from a sobbing 5 year old like this morning...
I had to think of this place and pull on my big girl pants and wade through it...
Thanks to all of you.

 

[Nancy]

Ditto ToTo to both Star and Janet. I have gotten such good advice from you and so many others here that I don't know how I would have made it this long without you all. I think every one of us has made a difference in someone's life on this board. We never know when something we say is just what that person needs at the time, or perhaps will remember in the future. Susie's experiences with Rob have come back to my mind so often this past year. I think I now know how she was feeling at that time, and her advice tome has been invaluable too.

Everyone that has given input is valuable and makes a difference in someone's life here.

I love your Detachment 101 course Star and I'm looking forward to the next. I am trying to learn how to detach, I'm further than I was last year at this time.

Nancy

 

[Nomad]

Star...that is lovely!!! And you most certainly have helped me! And to top it off...your sense of humor is a delight!

I receive (d) the most help from here from those who have been there done that and from those who have taken the time to calmly and kindly explain about detachment...guiding me and helping me look at things differently.

I still think I have a tiny bit further to go...but for me, part of my journey has been that I rarely concern myself about difficult children poor choices.

Certainly, I wish she wouldn't make them. I have brief moments that it tugs at my heart. However, I do not feel personally responsible for her choices, I do not worry about them, I don't lose sleep over her choices and I do my very best to enjoy each and every day.

We are not robots...we are human beings. I'm not sure if we can be totally immune to it all.

However, I just can't allow myself to go through life wearing a hair shirt. I really see the goodness out there and I want to experience it. Happiness is a choice...and a chose it.

difficult child has choices to make as well. Each of us has a choice. I hope that in time she makes better ones. There are signs that this will happen. I can not make them for her.

All I can do for sure, is make choices for myself. I chose to detach. It is freeing to myself (and to difficult child). It frees me up to enjoy life more fully and to feel happy...something each one of us has a G-d given right to experience.

 

[maril]

Star* - those are words of wisdom to live by.

Stepping back from daughter as she became an adult was certainly easier than it has been with DS (difficult child).

I am a limited contributor but certainly do appreciate knowledge of others and support given here.

 

[standswithcourage]

Star - that is wonderful! Did you make that up? I think I will print it out and put it on my mirror. That will be my new "motto to live by". I hope I have helped someone too! I know you have - me.

 

[ML]

Wow! This is so great. I too will print this out. Your friend is lucky to have you in their life.

 

[Star*]

Nomad -

If I had a hair shirt - I would get an epilady, a bottle of Nair and some electrolysis. Or a really slammin' weave.

I'm so glad that I met all of you - I'm fairly certain that without the support I have found here my theme song would have been 'Ya'll gonna make me loose mah mind up in here - up in here." lol ba bu bu chu.

 

[Nomad]

received today...

Star (s)

Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafarer on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you reach your destiny.
- Carl Schurz, 1829 - 1906
We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the light of every passing ship.
- Omar Nelson Bradley, 1893 - 1981
The stars are more than reflected on the water, they are doubled and tripled in brilliance as the wind stirs, as if combing them through its black hair.
- Marjorie Holmes
In the world's audience hall, the simple blade of grass sits on the same carpet with the sunbeams, and the stars of midnight.
- Rabindranath Tagore, 1861 - 1941
I went down and had a friendly reunion with the constellations.... I get a wonderful peace and the most exquisite pleasure from my friendship with the stars.
- Ellen Glasgow
If we could destroy custom at a blow and see the stars as a child sees them, we should need no other apocalypse.
- Gilbert Keith Chesterton, 1874 - 1936

 

[Star*]

Nomad -

THank you so much - THAT was beautiful - I like the one about the black hair.

 

[Momslittleangels]

Very nice work Star........Perhaps the moderator can post this to the archives, so when the next person comes along that needs some guidance on detachment, they can read those words.

Just a thought!!!

 

[Shari]

Tho it wasn't me who emailed you, I often feel like they do...what can I possibly have to offer anyone.

Comes from years of difficult child's, I think. I always look to myself to see what I can change that will make the situation better. Its a fine line between being willing to make changes in yourself and realizing you can't change what is happening.

Thanks to whoever asked and to Star and all for the comments. I hope I've helped someone, and since someone once told me "thanks", I'll go forward today on the assumption I have.

 

[Star*]

Shari

The thought crossed my mind this morning after I read your post and I thought = you know, she's right. When I'm in difficult child, chaotic, tornadic, cyclonic, mudslide, omg someone please just throw me a frickin' bone mode - I hope no one really ever knows it, because I know there are so many greater problems out there than mine that day. But, the problems that I have that day are mine. It doesn't make them less difficult than anyone elses - it makes them mine.

So when people come here and think - DO I contribute anything? Keep this in mind. I was feeling very low and I showed up here one day and read a newbie thread where someone was at the end of THEIR rope. I started to post - even wrote this fantastically long reply then erased it. I left it go and came back to it later and replied from my heart. I got a PM later that night before I went to bed and it wasn't anything over the moon, but it just said "Thanks - you knew exactly what it felt like to be me - I was suicidal, and now - I feel so much better just knowing someone else went through what I went through." - It was hard to read it. There I was- depressed, sad - and there was a person who was actually thinking about suicide with a child in their house. It changed how I viewed the boards usefulness.

WE ALL can reach out - and we ALL can say something that we may think at the time is just something which is our day -to - day or something that we DID or have DONE - but people don't come here because they are HAPPY to have a kid like ours. I'm sure some come here because they are just curious about kids like ours or are friends of people who have kids like ours and I'm sure there are therapists and psychiatrists and tdocs that lurk and get a boatload of free info and suggestions too - but the majority of people that come here? Parents that are just worn out - and need to know like our front page says - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If I don't say it often enough - I am so VERY GLAD that I am not alone any more. I am grateful for each of you. I have learned so much, I've never laughed so much, and I've never had a better group of gals to call friends. I thoroughly enjoy telling people that I know "Oh I have a friend in Washington, I have a friend in Indiana, ARizona, California, Florida, Connecticut, CHicago, NewJersey, NewYork, Ohio, OHio, OHio, Ohio, Ohio, Ohio, Georgia, Texas, Colorado, Arkansas, Indiana, Iowa, North Carolina, Australia, NewZeland, Michigan. Israel, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Wisconsin, and all over - It makes me sounds soooooo worldly....like I've been a freak for penpals my entire life - lol

ps.....What are you getting me for my BIRTHDAY?????

So from the bottom of my ever enlarging heart - THank you ALL.

And the gal that wondered if SHE had something to contribute - actually told ME something that I pray about every day and wondered if I was making a difference - so I just found that VERY-----mysterious AND weird....lol.

Hugs