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Detachment - is it REALLY necessary? - long.......
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 68572" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Detaching doesn't mean walking away from a kid.</p><p></p><p>You know that gut wrenching, stomach churning, emotional response you have when your difficult child makes a bad choice? When you allow *his* choices to affect every aspect of your life and your emotional health? If you can detach, then his choices don't have the same degree of impact on you. </p><p></p><p>I love my kid. I'd walk through fire for him. But when he calls and says he got restrained or sedated or lost privileges? My honest and to-the-bone response is "Gee, thank you, sorry to hear that." I am neutral because it quite frankly is not my problem. I will *not* intervene with staff, I will not listen to excuses from thank you, I will not let his consequences affect me. This is *his* life now, even at the ripe old age of 16. I cannot control his choices. I have done my very best to insure that he has every opportunity to learn how to function, and will continue to have the opportunity learn how to function, but dragging that mule to the trough won't make him drink. </p><p></p><p>Used to be I'd completely flip out every time he did. It's not healthy - for me, for him, for the rest of the family. It was a doggone roller coaster ride. The admissions, the suspensions, the new medications, the restraints, the phone calls... yada yada yada. On and on and on. We start out totally engrossed in our young difficult children' lives and rightly so, but at some point we have to step away and say enough. I've done all I can, more than I really thought possible, and it's now completely up to you difficult child. I will support you and help when you ask but I am not rescuing you anymore nor am I going to continue to repeat the same things that have been said to you umpteen gazillion times in the last decade. I mean really, how many times can you say "it's an inappropriate choice to get violent because (insert excuse of the day)". He *knows* it. </p><p></p><p>We are detached, but we talk to him several times a week, we visit every other weekend. I am here if he has a crisis, not to give advice really but more to listen and try to guide *him* to find the solution on his own. He is more than welcome to return home once he has shown that he can consistently deal with everyday stressors without flipping out. But if he messes up? Bummer for him. I simply do not have it in me to continue to try to save him from his own poor choices. Funny thing - he's actually responding pretty well to it, at least in terms of impulsivity. He absolutely *hates* having to make any kind of decision for himself but ... he can do it, and do it well.</p><p></p><p>Go check out the Parent Emeritus section - there's a mom... possible Scent of Cedar (?) who has a link in her signature to an essay on what detaching is. If you can't find the right person, just post over there asking for the link.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there - and rest assurred, when we talk about detaching, we absolutely *not* talking abandoning.</p><p></p><p>Edited to add - Duhh!!! BBK had the link right there in her post. Sheesh... sorry about that, BBK. You rock!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 68572, member: 8"] Detaching doesn't mean walking away from a kid. You know that gut wrenching, stomach churning, emotional response you have when your difficult child makes a bad choice? When you allow *his* choices to affect every aspect of your life and your emotional health? If you can detach, then his choices don't have the same degree of impact on you. I love my kid. I'd walk through fire for him. But when he calls and says he got restrained or sedated or lost privileges? My honest and to-the-bone response is "Gee, thank you, sorry to hear that." I am neutral because it quite frankly is not my problem. I will *not* intervene with staff, I will not listen to excuses from thank you, I will not let his consequences affect me. This is *his* life now, even at the ripe old age of 16. I cannot control his choices. I have done my very best to insure that he has every opportunity to learn how to function, and will continue to have the opportunity learn how to function, but dragging that mule to the trough won't make him drink. Used to be I'd completely flip out every time he did. It's not healthy - for me, for him, for the rest of the family. It was a doggone roller coaster ride. The admissions, the suspensions, the new medications, the restraints, the phone calls... yada yada yada. On and on and on. We start out totally engrossed in our young difficult children' lives and rightly so, but at some point we have to step away and say enough. I've done all I can, more than I really thought possible, and it's now completely up to you difficult child. I will support you and help when you ask but I am not rescuing you anymore nor am I going to continue to repeat the same things that have been said to you umpteen gazillion times in the last decade. I mean really, how many times can you say "it's an inappropriate choice to get violent because (insert excuse of the day)". He *knows* it. We are detached, but we talk to him several times a week, we visit every other weekend. I am here if he has a crisis, not to give advice really but more to listen and try to guide *him* to find the solution on his own. He is more than welcome to return home once he has shown that he can consistently deal with everyday stressors without flipping out. But if he messes up? Bummer for him. I simply do not have it in me to continue to try to save him from his own poor choices. Funny thing - he's actually responding pretty well to it, at least in terms of impulsivity. He absolutely *hates* having to make any kind of decision for himself but ... he can do it, and do it well. Go check out the Parent Emeritus section - there's a mom... possible Scent of Cedar (?) who has a link in her signature to an essay on what detaching is. If you can't find the right person, just post over there asking for the link. Hang in there - and rest assurred, when we talk about detaching, we absolutely *not* talking abandoning. Edited to add - Duhh!!! BBK had the link right there in her post. Sheesh... sorry about that, BBK. You rock! [/QUOTE]
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