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Substance Abuse
Detachment really is a work in progress.....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629344" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a new shirt that says " Be Calm and Walk the Dog." Simplistic, I know, but seriously there is nothing you can do to help your son anymore and I don't get involve in my kid's relationships. I'm not a secretary and don't pass messages back and forth between grown kids. I don't think it is a good idea for you to get involved in that in any way. He's in jail...let him find a way to let his girlfriend find out and get the other details. If she is pregnant "Stay Calm and Walk the Dog." Who knows if she is or if that's just a manipulation and, if she is, I would not give her the impression that this irresponsibility (bringing a life into this world while Dad is in jail and functioning like a child) and Mom is just as bad is going to be the key that will get you to support all of them.</p><p></p><p>If this were me, I would not support this adult for anything. Why support him for ending up in jail? He is playing you like a puppet. Yet he is putting no effort into himself and his life. For your efforts, he isn't even nice to you. Let's analyze the jail situation and money. Why would anyone sitting in jail need more than $20? It's not like he has somewhere to go. Yet he isn't even grateful you dropped everything to give him money.</p><p></p><p>My new phone rule with 36 is that if he raises his voice to me, I hang up. If he swears at me, I hang up. If he tells me what I did wrong, I hang up. Etc., etc., etc. Of late, we have had very pleasant conversations. He gets it. To be allowed to talk to me, he has to treat me the same way I treat him...with a calm voice and respect. I'm surprised at how effective it is. Frankly, I'd rather he NOT call me if he isn't going to be respectful. I used to have a pit in my stomach every time he went off on me and *I* was the one allowing him to do it...I actually listened to it. Now I flat out refuse. And he knows I mean it. It's not unreasonable to demand the same respect we give them.</p><p></p><p>I would try to cut through the guilt. Why should you feel guilty that he broke the law and is in jail? Angry is more appropriate. And I would limit his calls to once a day, five to ten minutes if he is polite to you, but I'd tell him flat out that I am getting off the minute he asks for something. Too many of our difficult children seem to want nothing to do with us except running through our money. And if we say "no" they throw tantrums like two year olds who can't have the candy bar.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629344, member: 1550"] I have a new shirt that says " Be Calm and Walk the Dog." Simplistic, I know, but seriously there is nothing you can do to help your son anymore and I don't get involve in my kid's relationships. I'm not a secretary and don't pass messages back and forth between grown kids. I don't think it is a good idea for you to get involved in that in any way. He's in jail...let him find a way to let his girlfriend find out and get the other details. If she is pregnant "Stay Calm and Walk the Dog." Who knows if she is or if that's just a manipulation and, if she is, I would not give her the impression that this irresponsibility (bringing a life into this world while Dad is in jail and functioning like a child) and Mom is just as bad is going to be the key that will get you to support all of them. If this were me, I would not support this adult for anything. Why support him for ending up in jail? He is playing you like a puppet. Yet he is putting no effort into himself and his life. For your efforts, he isn't even nice to you. Let's analyze the jail situation and money. Why would anyone sitting in jail need more than $20? It's not like he has somewhere to go. Yet he isn't even grateful you dropped everything to give him money. My new phone rule with 36 is that if he raises his voice to me, I hang up. If he swears at me, I hang up. If he tells me what I did wrong, I hang up. Etc., etc., etc. Of late, we have had very pleasant conversations. He gets it. To be allowed to talk to me, he has to treat me the same way I treat him...with a calm voice and respect. I'm surprised at how effective it is. Frankly, I'd rather he NOT call me if he isn't going to be respectful. I used to have a pit in my stomach every time he went off on me and *I* was the one allowing him to do it...I actually listened to it. Now I flat out refuse. And he knows I mean it. It's not unreasonable to demand the same respect we give them. I would try to cut through the guilt. Why should you feel guilty that he broke the law and is in jail? Angry is more appropriate. And I would limit his calls to once a day, five to ten minutes if he is polite to you, but I'd tell him flat out that I am getting off the minute he asks for something. Too many of our difficult children seem to want nothing to do with us except running through our money. And if we say "no" they throw tantrums like two year olds who can't have the candy bar. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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