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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 513337" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same reaction to the word when it showed up as the solution for me. It went against how I perceived motherhood, caring, loving, being there for others, being a 'good' person, all of it. I had to make distinctions for myself about what giving and loving and mothering was all about. As DDD says, it is incremental, it takes time.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child is 39 years old and I am still at it. For me, it helped to get help, and I soon realized that much of what I was doing and thinking was giving, was, in fact, enabling. I didn't know that, but now I do. Once I realized that it was within my power to change my own behavior, I began to focus my attention on myself, rather then on my difficult child. That is quite the process!!! I was very invested in the giving thing. Slowly I began to understand the concept of detachment, and the difference between giving and enabling. I am still at that too. </p><p></p><p>I think it's more difficult when our difficult child's are still so young. Gosh, we are responsible for them for so long and then how do we let that go? Especially if they are unstable, mentally challenged, addicted, or any variety of challenges they can face. </p><p></p><p>This is a very challenging parental road. We are all at varying degrees along the detachment spectrum. Plus, I believe you move forward and back along the way, and maybe even sideways, it's not a straight line like once you learn it you're good to go. These are our children, our babies, the people we love the most, and they are impaired in some fashion. We do the best we can. </p><p></p><p>For me? I am getting through this with a lot of support. One of the biggest supports for me is a therapist lead support group about Codependency. We meet once a week. I get to vent, listen to others, learn tools, be acknowledged for the progress I make, given advice about options, and really, just feel heard and understood. </p><p></p><p>You're not alone, we've all been there or are there. Hugs to you sweet mom.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 513337, member: 13542"] I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same reaction to the word when it showed up as the solution for me. It went against how I perceived motherhood, caring, loving, being there for others, being a 'good' person, all of it. I had to make distinctions for myself about what giving and loving and mothering was all about. As DDD says, it is incremental, it takes time. My difficult child is 39 years old and I am still at it. For me, it helped to get help, and I soon realized that much of what I was doing and thinking was giving, was, in fact, enabling. I didn't know that, but now I do. Once I realized that it was within my power to change my own behavior, I began to focus my attention on myself, rather then on my difficult child. That is quite the process!!! I was very invested in the giving thing. Slowly I began to understand the concept of detachment, and the difference between giving and enabling. I am still at that too. I think it's more difficult when our difficult child's are still so young. Gosh, we are responsible for them for so long and then how do we let that go? Especially if they are unstable, mentally challenged, addicted, or any variety of challenges they can face. This is a very challenging parental road. We are all at varying degrees along the detachment spectrum. Plus, I believe you move forward and back along the way, and maybe even sideways, it's not a straight line like once you learn it you're good to go. These are our children, our babies, the people we love the most, and they are impaired in some fashion. We do the best we can. For me? I am getting through this with a lot of support. One of the biggest supports for me is a therapist lead support group about Codependency. We meet once a week. I get to vent, listen to others, learn tools, be acknowledged for the progress I make, given advice about options, and really, just feel heard and understood. You're not alone, we've all been there or are there. Hugs to you sweet mom. [/QUOTE]
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