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<blockquote data-quote="Tiredof33" data-source="post: 513621" data-attributes="member: 13558"><p>I did not realize that my marital nightmare was related to drugs until my difficult child started drugs at an early age. After going through both situations I agree it is much harder to detach when it is a child, although the spouce is hard too.</p><p></p><p>When my 15 yo difficult child ran away at Christmas time I was going to cancel my plans to vist family because I didn't know where he was. My counselor mentioned detaching and go ahead with my plans because he got into just as much trouble when I was there as when I was not. With minors you are legally responsible for them and hopefully they will mature and start being responsible for themselves.</p><p></p><p>At that time detaching to me was trying not to have a breakdown from stress (single parent no father around) and let him be accountable because I actually had zero control over his out of control behavior. It did not mean I was giving up or stopped helping him, but I stopped enabling by doing things for him. I went to school to stay busy and I found hobbies I enjoyed. Regardless how I tried to keep him from drugs and danger he always found a way. If he was arrested he stayed in jail, and I told him from the very beginning I don't visit jails. But I did accept collect calls and listen to his bull about if you get me out this time it is the last I promise. </p><p></p><p>I would come home from work and every snack I had bought was gone in one day and I did not allow his friends over when I was not home. So who ate them?? I stopped buying drinks or snacks, they had water and sandwiches. I got the phone bill and had a huge amount of calls to the porn numbers, so I blocked everything but local calls. The next was the TV cable bill with a huge amount of porn so I discontinued the cable. It was just me and him so it would be harder to do if his sister was still living at home.</p><p></p><p>After he left home at 19 it was much easier and he finally got tired of jail (it was bragging rights for some strange reason when he was younger). I worked for everything I have and if he wants things he has to work for them.</p><p></p><p>I thought I was through with his chaos and drama and in August it started again. I did get thrown back into the negative life and I had to start again to detach. The books, this forum helps so much! I am reading <strong><em>Now I Lay My Isaac down </em></strong>by Carol Kent and it is faith lessons, God has a plan for us all and we have to step back and <strong><em>Let go, Let God</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>It is still difficult, because as was mentioned, it goes against every maternal instinct we have. I just remind myself of the times he stole, let his friends steal, lies, worry and now he wants me to start this all over NO THANKS!!</p><p></p><p>It was hard to ignore his last 2 emails for money and we always think the worse, but he quit his job a year ago to go to college full time. I told him then I was retired and on a fixed income. Now I am told of the partying and it really doesn't set well with me. I told him if he had not been partying so much he would have money for food.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child at 33yo very well may be homeless with no job, no friends, no money. His choice not mine. He still has not learned that for every action there is a reaction, good or bad. </p><p></p><p>I pray, stay busy, mediate and believe that he is God's child and I have to let him walk his own path. Some of my family would be angry with me for not rescuing him. Rescuing him in the past did not work so hopefully this will.</p><p></p><p>(((Blessing to us all))) hopefully they will find a safe, peaceful path!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiredof33, post: 513621, member: 13558"] I did not realize that my marital nightmare was related to drugs until my difficult child started drugs at an early age. After going through both situations I agree it is much harder to detach when it is a child, although the spouce is hard too. When my 15 yo difficult child ran away at Christmas time I was going to cancel my plans to vist family because I didn't know where he was. My counselor mentioned detaching and go ahead with my plans because he got into just as much trouble when I was there as when I was not. With minors you are legally responsible for them and hopefully they will mature and start being responsible for themselves. At that time detaching to me was trying not to have a breakdown from stress (single parent no father around) and let him be accountable because I actually had zero control over his out of control behavior. It did not mean I was giving up or stopped helping him, but I stopped enabling by doing things for him. I went to school to stay busy and I found hobbies I enjoyed. Regardless how I tried to keep him from drugs and danger he always found a way. If he was arrested he stayed in jail, and I told him from the very beginning I don't visit jails. But I did accept collect calls and listen to his bull about if you get me out this time it is the last I promise. I would come home from work and every snack I had bought was gone in one day and I did not allow his friends over when I was not home. So who ate them?? I stopped buying drinks or snacks, they had water and sandwiches. I got the phone bill and had a huge amount of calls to the porn numbers, so I blocked everything but local calls. The next was the TV cable bill with a huge amount of porn so I discontinued the cable. It was just me and him so it would be harder to do if his sister was still living at home. After he left home at 19 it was much easier and he finally got tired of jail (it was bragging rights for some strange reason when he was younger). I worked for everything I have and if he wants things he has to work for them. I thought I was through with his chaos and drama and in August it started again. I did get thrown back into the negative life and I had to start again to detach. The books, this forum helps so much! I am reading [B][I]Now I Lay My Isaac down [/I][/B]by Carol Kent and it is faith lessons, God has a plan for us all and we have to step back and [B][I]Let go, Let God[/I][/B]. It is still difficult, because as was mentioned, it goes against every maternal instinct we have. I just remind myself of the times he stole, let his friends steal, lies, worry and now he wants me to start this all over NO THANKS!! It was hard to ignore his last 2 emails for money and we always think the worse, but he quit his job a year ago to go to college full time. I told him then I was retired and on a fixed income. Now I am told of the partying and it really doesn't set well with me. I told him if he had not been partying so much he would have money for food. My difficult child at 33yo very well may be homeless with no job, no friends, no money. His choice not mine. He still has not learned that for every action there is a reaction, good or bad. I pray, stay busy, mediate and believe that he is God's child and I have to let him walk his own path. Some of my family would be angry with me for not rescuing him. Rescuing him in the past did not work so hopefully this will. (((Blessing to us all))) hopefully they will find a safe, peaceful path! [/QUOTE]
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