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Diagnosis = Heartbreak
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641170" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cinder, I'm so sorry you had to join our club. I will give you my thoughts and then you can do what you want with them.</p><p></p><p>A personality disorder is not a psychotic or thought disorder. I have read up on antisocial and narcissistic almost obsessively to try to "get" my son. Although their thinking is different, in that they don't feel empathy and screw us over without remorse (and others too), they are NOT unaware of their surroundings, they do not hallucinate, they know right from wrong and it is their choice to disregard it and expect others to give in to their controlling demands. At best, they are control freaks who do not have the capacity to care for others as we do. At worst, they can be thieves (even to those who love them), moochers off anyone willing to do it, sweet charming talkers who lie well to get others "taken in" and feel sorry for them, violent and, yes, some, like Ted Bundy, also can kill. That is the minority though. But they often do destructive things to others even if they don't kill us. Drug abuse is legendary with anti socials and narcissists. It goes with their belief that other fools may follow the law, but they aren't about to be that stupid. NOBODY CAN TELL TLHELM WHAT TO DO. IT IS NOT ALLOWED. They may punish you by verball diarrhea about how horrible you are as a person and as a parent or they may do more sneaky "get backs" such as stealing or vandalizing your property. And if you dare call the cops, well, you are the worst mother on the face of the planet.</p><p></p><p>After all, you are their mommy and you should put up with anything.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, we cease being that kind of mommy when they turn eighteen. We have taught them our values and they already know them. Many adult kids have 101 excuses why they won't obey the good values we instilled in them. But we did our best. That doesn't mean our lives are perfect. Many parents are single parents or get divorced or married an abuser and then got rid of the abuser mostly for our child. That does not make us horrible parents. That makes us human. Most adult children who are subjected to "less than perfect" still turn out to be good people with sweetness in their souls and love in their hearts. My own kids did not have a bed of roses. Only my oldest 37, who never really had much empathy, turned out capable of abusing me and his siblings and others in his way. Why? Nobody knows why and that includes psychiatrists. They are working on brain imaging of antisocials and find that they have no compassion when shown disturbing pictures and have a tendency to feel no fear either. Often jail doesn't bother them other than they are confined and can't offend and they totally expect us to pay their bail, even if they are 50 years old, if we let it go that far.Do you want to be 80, still putting up with abuse, lying, stealing, drug issues and handing out money to your 60 year old senior citizen child? By then, you have wasted your life.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion we should not let them take our lives from us. Ok, right now, I am posting a disclaimer. This advice was right for me. Maybe it isn't for you. Please take what you like and leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>OUR LIVES MATTER TOO and if our adult children choose to disregard the laws they know are in place, we can learn to detach from their dysfunction and personality flaws and still have a wonderful life. Most of ous have other loved ones who respect and appreciate us...why should the difficult child suck all the oxygen out of our world so that we can not enjoy our precious lives and also spend time with those who do love us back. DNA is NOT everything. My DNA family was hideous. I love those who are kind to me, not those who are just related to me DNA-wise. Yes, yes, it is harder with a child and we will always love the adult child, but maybe we just can't do the chaos and drama anymore...so we let him be who he is and let him go and stop trying to change him (doesn't work) and our angst over him will not help him one bit. Live life! Enjoy! Get a new attitude! You are not in control of your son, but you are 100% in control of your own new attitude toward being good to YOU.</p><p></p><p>I suggest the book "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie. Great book. Set me on a new path.</p><p></p><p>to whomever told you to treat him like he has cancer, I say, "Tell you what. You take him in and treat him like he is a cancer patient." That is absurd advice in my opinion. Cancer patients did nothing to ask for cancer or to ask for it. Most are not a physical threat to us. And cancer patients still have to do the hard work to get better, just as our difficult children do. Nobody else can make another person well. Your son would need to admit what he is, commit to years of intensive therapy, and then practice what he has learned and probably be in therapy for life so he could remember what "normal" is. Most of our difficult children are happy being themselves and do not want "normal." They usually don't even want a close relationship with us. Do they ever call to ask, "How are you and DAd feeling? Iworry about you. Is everything ok with you two?"</p><p></p><p>Nope. They call usually only when THEY are in trouble or sad or want something. "Mom, I need money for rent or I'll be out on the streets." When in fact they are already on the streets and using OUR money to buy more drugs. We need to learn. We need to be wary of all contact. We need to take long moments of contemplation before we answer ANY text or phone call. We need to be calm and unemotional when we do get back to them, if we indeed choose to. We need to keep our responses short and sweet. "Less is more." Do not engage in arguments. "I have to go now. Call me back when you are calmer. I love you." *click* Turn off the phone. Don't check FB as they usually have special hate messages just for us.</p><p></p><p>In short...detach with love. It is not in your child's best interests to keep playing his sick games. And it is not good for you and your other loved ones.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and take care. Keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641170, member: 1550"] Cinder, I'm so sorry you had to join our club. I will give you my thoughts and then you can do what you want with them. A personality disorder is not a psychotic or thought disorder. I have read up on antisocial and narcissistic almost obsessively to try to "get" my son. Although their thinking is different, in that they don't feel empathy and screw us over without remorse (and others too), they are NOT unaware of their surroundings, they do not hallucinate, they know right from wrong and it is their choice to disregard it and expect others to give in to their controlling demands. At best, they are control freaks who do not have the capacity to care for others as we do. At worst, they can be thieves (even to those who love them), moochers off anyone willing to do it, sweet charming talkers who lie well to get others "taken in" and feel sorry for them, violent and, yes, some, like Ted Bundy, also can kill. That is the minority though. But they often do destructive things to others even if they don't kill us. Drug abuse is legendary with anti socials and narcissists. It goes with their belief that other fools may follow the law, but they aren't about to be that stupid. NOBODY CAN TELL TLHELM WHAT TO DO. IT IS NOT ALLOWED. They may punish you by verball diarrhea about how horrible you are as a person and as a parent or they may do more sneaky "get backs" such as stealing or vandalizing your property. And if you dare call the cops, well, you are the worst mother on the face of the planet. After all, you are their mommy and you should put up with anything. The thing is, we cease being that kind of mommy when they turn eighteen. We have taught them our values and they already know them. Many adult kids have 101 excuses why they won't obey the good values we instilled in them. But we did our best. That doesn't mean our lives are perfect. Many parents are single parents or get divorced or married an abuser and then got rid of the abuser mostly for our child. That does not make us horrible parents. That makes us human. Most adult children who are subjected to "less than perfect" still turn out to be good people with sweetness in their souls and love in their hearts. My own kids did not have a bed of roses. Only my oldest 37, who never really had much empathy, turned out capable of abusing me and his siblings and others in his way. Why? Nobody knows why and that includes psychiatrists. They are working on brain imaging of antisocials and find that they have no compassion when shown disturbing pictures and have a tendency to feel no fear either. Often jail doesn't bother them other than they are confined and can't offend and they totally expect us to pay their bail, even if they are 50 years old, if we let it go that far.Do you want to be 80, still putting up with abuse, lying, stealing, drug issues and handing out money to your 60 year old senior citizen child? By then, you have wasted your life. in my opinion we should not let them take our lives from us. Ok, right now, I am posting a disclaimer. This advice was right for me. Maybe it isn't for you. Please take what you like and leave the rest. OUR LIVES MATTER TOO and if our adult children choose to disregard the laws they know are in place, we can learn to detach from their dysfunction and personality flaws and still have a wonderful life. Most of ous have other loved ones who respect and appreciate us...why should the difficult child suck all the oxygen out of our world so that we can not enjoy our precious lives and also spend time with those who do love us back. DNA is NOT everything. My DNA family was hideous. I love those who are kind to me, not those who are just related to me DNA-wise. Yes, yes, it is harder with a child and we will always love the adult child, but maybe we just can't do the chaos and drama anymore...so we let him be who he is and let him go and stop trying to change him (doesn't work) and our angst over him will not help him one bit. Live life! Enjoy! Get a new attitude! You are not in control of your son, but you are 100% in control of your own new attitude toward being good to YOU. I suggest the book "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie. Great book. Set me on a new path. to whomever told you to treat him like he has cancer, I say, "Tell you what. You take him in and treat him like he is a cancer patient." That is absurd advice in my opinion. Cancer patients did nothing to ask for cancer or to ask for it. Most are not a physical threat to us. And cancer patients still have to do the hard work to get better, just as our difficult children do. Nobody else can make another person well. Your son would need to admit what he is, commit to years of intensive therapy, and then practice what he has learned and probably be in therapy for life so he could remember what "normal" is. Most of our difficult children are happy being themselves and do not want "normal." They usually don't even want a close relationship with us. Do they ever call to ask, "How are you and DAd feeling? Iworry about you. Is everything ok with you two?" Nope. They call usually only when THEY are in trouble or sad or want something. "Mom, I need money for rent or I'll be out on the streets." When in fact they are already on the streets and using OUR money to buy more drugs. We need to learn. We need to be wary of all contact. We need to take long moments of contemplation before we answer ANY text or phone call. We need to be calm and unemotional when we do get back to them, if we indeed choose to. We need to keep our responses short and sweet. "Less is more." Do not engage in arguments. "I have to go now. Call me back when you are calmer. I love you." *click* Turn off the phone. Don't check FB as they usually have special hate messages just for us. In short...detach with love. It is not in your child's best interests to keep playing his sick games. And it is not good for you and your other loved ones. Hugs and take care. Keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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