Didn't come home again, didn't call...

[Ropefree]

The biggest challenge I have to deal with as a parent is the inexplicable behavour of adults. My difficult child stayed over at the house of a friend whose parent does know I have told her and her boyfriend that I do not permit my child to thier home. Why? Because they do not respond aproriately. They do not answer the phone. They do not, in the words of the district psycologist
"give a $#%#$!".
The new twist is the parent was recently injured badly and may have lost use of her hands.
It is so awful. I know. And this particular parent has neglected her children and teens over the years and subjected them to abusive "boyfriends" who
never seem ept to the point of lifting her and her children from tight quarters with needs unmet. The recent loser recently moved out to the relief of her friends.
And so she is relying on the teens to care for her. I am certain the Greeks have written something naming the condition.
She goes to a Christian church and works for a Christian charity, and I find it very suspicious that she has not adult freinds who can do whatever she requires for help. Also,as she does know that I do not want my child in her home and especially do not want my child in her home overnights.
Why, then, is she choicing to have my child in her home overnight when she returns from hospital?
I have been on the phone and asking for help with this. I am reluctant to call police and create another scene with my child. I am thinking that tomorrow at school I can get the therapist involved straight away.
The crisis to begin with was when she was throwing her teen out of the house after he was not doing well when he showed epylisy and required increasing levels of depakote. She did not aswer my calls when I was asked to get her to er, then later when he was at my house to be away from her
yelling when his ap grade dropped after his epylepsy started and medications were
kicking in.

 

[goldenguru]

I don't think this parent's behavior is inexplicable. Honestly, if this lady doesn't seem too concerned about the welfare of her own kids, I don't understand why you think she would care about the welfare of yours. Or for that matter, why you think she would be concerned about 'what you have told her'.

I don't think it is reasonable to hold another adult responsible for your child's behavior. If it were me, I'd be on the front porch, (yelling bloody murder if necessary) to extract your child from the home.

 

[Andy]

I would go over to her house and personally collect my child. I have done this with easy child when she decided not to come home for curfew. She absolutely hated it and made sure she was home on time from then on.

It is good to ask the therapist for help.

I don't know if the police can do anything, however, social services may. You can file a report with them about how you do not feel the kids in her home are having their needs met. Let them know that she continuously asks your child to go over even though you have forbidden it and you are concerned about her motive.

Tell your child that you forbid him to go to her house. He is too young to give proper help/support. If she can not use her hands, she should get a home health care person to help not a teenager.

 

[BusynMember]

First of all, for some reason I think you said your son is 17. Please forgive me if he is younger. This post is assuming he is an older teen--16 or 17. Ok, here goes.
Why did you let your child stay there? I would have made him come home. I always have trouble understanding your posts, so I am going to assume that this is a sick lady who doesn't take care of her children. I agree that I wouldn't count on her to take care of yours. If you call the police, I'm not sure what they will do since your teen is 17. He is still a minor, but I found they don't really care that much about kids that are so close to 18, but maybe I'm wrong. The problem in my opinion is with your son. He isn't listening to you. And at 17 if he doesn't want to listen to you, I don't know how you can make him do it. Did you ever tell him that if you doesn't obey your rules in your house that he will have to leave home when he is 18? What do you do when your son disregards your wishes? in my opinion this problem is with your son and you, not with the neighbor. Not trying to be harsh, but at your son's age, you have to work some issues out with him. If he is going to defy you all the time, are you going to allow him to live at home? Does he have a job? Do you pay for all of his expenses? I'm not really clear on what is wrong with your son or what you do about it when he doesn't listen to you. Frankly, I'd take it up with him first, then deal with her afterward. Now if he is a younger teen, I think, even more, you should have traipsed over there and brought him home and grounded him big time. JMO and take care

 

[Ropefree]

Thanks I apprecate that. And the fact is I can call the police and the doing so will also be another reason for the struggling going on as this family has tangled my child up in thier ****. I called the police befor and cps. And I will agian and I have wanted to contact the whimpy therapist. My son is a minor and when he is out after curfew at 17 then he too will have the issues to deal with.
My point is that I do not want to be the target for the blow by that this
adult woman who is a nusance. Her creepy boyfriends and all the neglect that her children have undergone over the years. My son is going to hear the lesson and I want the adult to convey it to be someone who he is listening to he does not listen to me. That woman groomed her boys to behave in this manner and he has brought his powerful ways to the determent of my child/.

 

[Jena]

I hear the frustration in your voice, and your message is clear. Yet as you and all of us have learned that ppl just don't do what we want or expect them to do. At the end of the day it is up to us to do our best in reacting to their ridiculous and sometimes confusing behaviors.

This woman as others have said and as you have stated has no desire whatsoever to care of her own children, so she certainly isn't going to care about your difficult child at all.

I'm not sure on this one due to the age, and where it is you live yet if it were me and he was staying there "prolonged" overnights as you have stated I wouldn't hesitate to create a scene, and surprise him even that is your difficult child. I'd be on the phone with the police telling them that he is "missing" and that you are "assuming" he is at this particular woman's house with whom has extreme trouble with her own children you have called several times and to no avail she is not responding or asking your difficult child to leave the premise.

Actually I do know something about this, what am I talking about....hello I ran away a little yonger than that, police were called and I was brought back home. I was hiding out at a friends house (similar situation),my reasons for running away quite honestly may have been just. Yet nevertheless he is your child and this woman isn't going to listen to you.

I think going there, especially being his age and throwing a fit may just cause you more frustratoin. If he's there to begin with and isn't respecting your words and reqeuests in not going there he most likely (i do not know your difficult child; just going off what you said) will not come out. That will leave you with even more frustration.

I feel what your saying, yet he's obviously creating the "scene" not you. I'd shock the life out of him and have the cops there and put him in handcuffs if necessary.

I wish you luck

(((hugs)))

 

[compassion]

I am dealing with similar issues. My daughter is 15. I am trying to focus on her and her issues. That is the issue. I need support to keep p with my bounaries. Compassion

 

[Marguerite]

Ropefree, you need to sit down and think (I suspect you're good at thinking) and assess - what hold do I have over my son? What does he still rely on me for? What will happen if I make what he wants from me, conditional?

So if he's staying out overnight without calling, then he doesn't seem to see a roof over his head given by you, as compulsory. Therefore meals come under the same heading - optional.
What about clothing? Money? How is he meeting these needs? What about recreation?

And what will happen if you tighten the leash? Will he just kick it all over and storm out? Or will it make him wake up and smell the coffee?

Maybe he just wants the freedom to come and go - but you can put the brakes on him here, too. Change the locks and don't give him a key. If he wants to come home, he has to arrive at a time when you are there to let him in; in other words, he enters the house by appointment with you. He will HAVE to talk to you. You are not denying him houseroom or sustenance, merely requiring respect and supervision while at home.

Whatever you decide on, you have to be consistent. You need to plan ahead and be prepared to follow through. For example, if you decide your strategy is to go over to this woman's house and pound on the door for your child to come out, and he doesn't come out - do you go home? Or do you camp outside the gate (so you're not trespassing) even if it means staying there all night? It would send a number of messages - one, you're crazy and people had better not mess with you, who knows WHAT you might do; two, you won't give up and he won't get any sleep inside that house, so the sooner he comes out the sooner they can ALL get some sleep (and if they're selfish, they will ask him to go home to make you go away); three, you love him a great deal to want to do this, which is more than the mother inside that house would ever do. It can be a very powerful message, not just to your son but to the unloved kids he's befriending.

The persistent Warrior Mum - I've done this act. You need your environmental protection (ie clothing warm enough to sleep on the street if necessary); a thermos of coffee or soup; maybe a small fire (if it's legal); knitting or a good book to read; something comfortable to sit on (a deckchair?). Make it look REAL, as if this is not an act but someone who really can do what she is threatening to do.

Then be prepared to really do it.

With anything you do with your son, you need tis level of determination. Never take on a battle you can't win. Never engage and then back off. Never lose face. Only engage in a battle you know you WILL win. Then win it.

And as for the cops - talk to them quietly ahead of time. Just how much CAN they do? Don't ask them to do anything that THEY can't follow through on.

Good luck. Your son sounds like he needs to be needed and is being guilted into this. If so, then somewhere in there he's a really decent (but confused) bloke.

Marg

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry, but I couldn't get past your first sentence. Your title is "Didn't come home again, didn't call". Your problem isn't with the adults, it's with your child. So long as you want to blame other kid's parents, your child will be happy to let you. Time to step up and admit that she is out of control, and you aren't able to do anything about it. What others outside your family do is neither here nor there.

 

[Ropefree]

Thank you thank you all....Goldenguru, Arianne, MidwestMom, Jennifer, Compassion, Marguretia,Witzend...
The police called my son and he called me. I will deal with him as the week goes by.
And I called the hospital where the mother is still in care and asked them did they know her teen was home unsupervised? That I have had problems with the fact that she neglects her son and does not offer supervision when she is home and the fact that her emotionally needy son is now alone and it is causing problems as, for example my son, his friend, is trying to rise to the occation.Can they make the effort to make certain that she has the inhome care she will need provided and that her teen at home is not neglected as he has been in the past.
I agree that ultimately it is up to parents to keep kids in check. And the developemental facts are that maturity does not follow the timeline that legal
issues are ticked off sometimes at a disadvantage to the youth who are not functioning to par.
This family has been at risk for years and I have done all I can to lend the
attention and care.
I am a fan of just make a stink and that is often effective for discuraging
the violation of boundaries.
Ultimately I am hoping that my son will stop feeling like I am trying to ruin his life because the fact is the youth that are going to make a good life for themselvles are the ones who have the ability to let the drama around them go on while they are attending classes and working and paying more and more of their own way until they have the skills to be independant and self supporting.
It is so sad watching the graduates who are adrift and want the job they applied for months ago but haven't been called in to interview.
Right now my son is not talking to me and is angery over the on going episodes that are part and parcel of that womans crazymaking behavor and impact on the circle of friends that do care.
The last time she spoke with me we were talking about life without the abuser as she was just leaving the then current one.
It is tragic what has befallen her with the mauling dog attack. And the fact is that her teen was neglected befor and this is all one episode after another coping with the way my son is caught up in her..yes, inexplicable behavours.
I am also now aware that I can file a complaint agianst her for the interference and get her into court for her part. A minor is not resposible for the fact an adult lets them in over night.
I know this is all about abuse, neglect and it is reaching into my house without my agreement or permission.
Because my son was in contact about the last time and also the swearing at me pushing me the report to police again could land him arrested.
He is being coached by the "freinds" who are not aware of the role of care in their parents.
My son is very confused by it all. He is not prepared for this. It is burdening him and it is visible in his face and actions. So sad to watch because it does not have to be like this.
And I do need adults who are in agreement to help him to feel that I am not just the mother he hates.
These are reasonable exspectations. Sensible. Not the exciting symulation of the crazymaking home where verbal abuse just reighns down like toxic waste.
And teens need support to feel safe. geez
I am sorry Mid westmom that my posts do not make sence to you. I apreciate that you do lend good ideas anyway.
Thank you all.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm wondering - the flip side of the situation, the flip side that maybe is all your son sees - his friend is on his own, the mother is in hospital, and then you call the hospital and dob in a woman when she's down, for not taking care of her kids!

From your point of view, she's an unfit mother. You're seeing things that your son is not seeing. You're trying to save your son, he's trying to save a friend. You mightn't think much of that friend but at 17, that friend is more of a role model now than you are. We lose our kids, they stop looking up to us as role models.

So a strong suggestion here - keep them all off balance. While the woman is in hospital, invite her son round to your place to stay the night. Your house rules prevail, of course. Mutual respect, advise everybody (you advise them, they advise you) when anyone is going out, where they're going, when they'll be home (so you can appropriately cater for dinner). Do a load of washing, maybe help him do his own washing. Unless this guy is already a drugged-out no-hoper, I don't see that you can lose. You would be befriending the lad, helping out a woman in trouble, doing a good deed and in your son's eyes showing him a more appropriate way to help.

I would begin by asking your son what he thinks of the idea, of inviting the lad home to stay with you. That way they would be under YOUR nose and instead of YOUR son being exposed to a corrupting influence, you're hopefully taking a boy who needs it and exposing him to your GOOD influence, and keeping your son home under your roof at the same time.

The next trick is a decent square home-cooked meal. It can be done inexpensively; I have a few good curry recipes you can try which have won over my prospective sons in law.

There are much better ways to live. Sometimes our kids need to see this, through a friend's eyes.

Marg

 

[Ropefree]

Margureta...We have had him here for weeks at a time. His mother, months ago had run him out of his own home.
That was how we got to this point. FRom point A when her anger sent him away as she irrationally wanted good grades while the epileptic seizures were starting...and then as the depakote kicked in. It is not his fault. It is not my fault.

 

[flutterbee]

And I do need adults who are in agreement to help him to feel that I am not just the mother he hates.

I'm having trouble understanding the situation, but this statement stood out.

I tell my kids all the time that parenting is not a popularity contest and it is my job to look out for their best interests; they can hate me if they want. They'll get over it. They might not get over something bad happening to them by placing themselves in a bad situation/environment. I guide them in making good choices, but if they are unable to I step in and make it for them.

It would be nice if the other mother would do the right thing. But, she's not and likely isn't going to. So, you're going to have to be the bad guy and lay down the law.