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difficult child 1 has made it clear she wants nothing to do with us
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 641688" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>This is something else that came out of this morning's discussion. Perfectionism plays its part in this for me, too. It would make sense that if there was a borderline person in my childhood, I would question myself endlessly about why this or that thing seemed to have happened, and that I would try to do better. When the kids began having problems, the most hellish thing about it for me was chasing my tail around trying to find out what I had done so I could correct <em>myself</em> and stop victimizing my children and destroying my family. </p><p></p><p>I feel terrible about the things that have happened to all of us. As many of you know, a big piece of regaining control of my own responses to the things my children do, or the situations they find themselves in again and again, was to let go of believing I was responsible for everything that happened to them. I remember when MWM posted about the possibility of an adult child verbally abusing a parent and it took me forever to admit that this could happen and that it was happening, to me. </p><p></p><p>I would automatically take responsibility for difficult child son's nastiness, believing I had not handled the situation well enough and so, he could not help but lose his temper and so on. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, here is the thing I learned this morning about perfectionism <em>even where our children are concerned.</em> This is especially relevant for someone raised as I was, but it might help others of us wondering how to think about what is happening to our relationships with our children and how to respond to them, too.</p><p></p><p>So here it is.</p><p></p><p>Perfectionism has to do with locus of control.</p><p></p><p>And, for me, that has to do with approval seeking.</p><p></p><p>We all want to do well. We all have a set of standards...but when the balance of a relationship is out of balance, when a child or a parent or a friend drops something in that we never saw coming and blames us for it, it would take a sociopath ~ someone so certain they are always right ~ not to question his or her own interpretation of events. Not being sociopaths, we back away a little. We reevaluate our responses. We listen to the other person's interpretation of the situation and try to accommodate, to come to balance with, their reality. In other words, we give up locus of control. We want the other person to be happy more than we want to stand our ground. Rather than trust our own interpretations, we trust the other guy's integrity enough to try to balance the relationship on what they claim is real.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>Perfectionism.</p><p></p><p>A very good thing in many ways, a good moral guiding light and something to hope for. But the question we need to ask ourselves I think is: where is my locus of control in this situation? Am I caught in a trap based on someone else's approval? Or am I responding from my own ethical center? When we listen to our children condemn us, when we react to their perceived reality although it doesn't seem to bear any resemblance to the one we know...that is when we are in that approval seeking place.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I also have something to say about shunning, this morning ~ which is what my mother does and so did MWM mother:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So, I was thinking about this whole idea of shunning. Think back to what you know of history. Shunning is one of the harshest punishments that can be inflicted on someone. Fanatic religious organizations employ shunning, both to punish the rebel and <em>to keep those still in the fold from breaking free.</em> </p><p></p><p>Shunning is done to make the victim feel wrong, to dehumanize the victim, to make them worthless in the eyes of the rest of the group.</p><p></p><p><em>And to make us worth less in our own eyes. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>As the wolf says in the Red Riding Hood stories: "All the better to eat you with, my dear."</em></p><p></p><p>I remember one time when I was condemned like that. My mother told me: "I told you I was going to do this." Those were her exact words. I was never, over the next five years, to learn what I had done. But what I did learn over those years was how much healthier it was possible to be, when I was not in contact with my family. My father had heart bypass surgery during this time. My sister called to tell me. The day it happened, I called the hospital to learn how he was. My mother called me that day, after five years of no contact, to tell me my father had had the bypass surgery, and that he had lived, right? And, meanly, triumphantly even, I told her I already knew, that I had called the hospital and been told my father had lived through the surgery. </p><p></p><p>It was mean of me to do that, but I wanted to be mean.</p><p></p><p>My mother directed that I not be given further information regarding my father.</p><p></p><p>Shunning.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 641688, member: 17461"] Thank you. :O) This is something else that came out of this morning's discussion. Perfectionism plays its part in this for me, too. It would make sense that if there was a borderline person in my childhood, I would question myself endlessly about why this or that thing seemed to have happened, and that I would try to do better. When the kids began having problems, the most hellish thing about it for me was chasing my tail around trying to find out what I had done so I could correct [I]myself[/I] and stop victimizing my children and destroying my family. I feel terrible about the things that have happened to all of us. As many of you know, a big piece of regaining control of my own responses to the things my children do, or the situations they find themselves in again and again, was to let go of believing I was responsible for everything that happened to them. I remember when MWM posted about the possibility of an adult child verbally abusing a parent and it took me forever to admit that this could happen and that it was happening, to me. I would automatically take responsibility for difficult child son's nastiness, believing I had not handled the situation well enough and so, he could not help but lose his temper and so on. Anyway, here is the thing I learned this morning about perfectionism [I]even where our children are concerned.[/I] This is especially relevant for someone raised as I was, but it might help others of us wondering how to think about what is happening to our relationships with our children and how to respond to them, too. So here it is. Perfectionism has to do with locus of control. And, for me, that has to do with approval seeking. We all want to do well. We all have a set of standards...but when the balance of a relationship is out of balance, when a child or a parent or a friend drops something in that we never saw coming and blames us for it, it would take a sociopath ~ someone so certain they are always right ~ not to question his or her own interpretation of events. Not being sociopaths, we back away a little. We reevaluate our responses. We listen to the other person's interpretation of the situation and try to accommodate, to come to balance with, their reality. In other words, we give up locus of control. We want the other person to be happy more than we want to stand our ground. Rather than trust our own interpretations, we trust the other guy's integrity enough to try to balance the relationship on what they claim is real. *** Perfectionism. A very good thing in many ways, a good moral guiding light and something to hope for. But the question we need to ask ourselves I think is: where is my locus of control in this situation? Am I caught in a trap based on someone else's approval? Or am I responding from my own ethical center? When we listen to our children condemn us, when we react to their perceived reality although it doesn't seem to bear any resemblance to the one we know...that is when we are in that approval seeking place. *** I also have something to say about shunning, this morning ~ which is what my mother does and so did MWM mother: So, I was thinking about this whole idea of shunning. Think back to what you know of history. Shunning is one of the harshest punishments that can be inflicted on someone. Fanatic religious organizations employ shunning, both to punish the rebel and [I]to keep those still in the fold from breaking free.[/I] Shunning is done to make the victim feel wrong, to dehumanize the victim, to make them worthless in the eyes of the rest of the group. [I]And to make us worth less in our own eyes. As the wolf says in the Red Riding Hood stories: "All the better to eat you with, my dear."[/I] I remember one time when I was condemned like that. My mother told me: "I told you I was going to do this." Those were her exact words. I was never, over the next five years, to learn what I had done. But what I did learn over those years was how much healthier it was possible to be, when I was not in contact with my family. My father had heart bypass surgery during this time. My sister called to tell me. The day it happened, I called the hospital to learn how he was. My mother called me that day, after five years of no contact, to tell me my father had had the bypass surgery, and that he had lived, right? And, meanly, triumphantly even, I told her I already knew, that I had called the hospital and been told my father had lived through the surgery. It was mean of me to do that, but I wanted to be mean. My mother directed that I not be given further information regarding my father. Shunning. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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