difficult child 1, husband and the ER (long!)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nvts, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Wow, quite a lot of letters. It sort of minimizes the insanity that is our home right now.

    difficult child 1 has been putting us through the paces since the babies birthday. He had a total anxiety attack because he had more homework than he's ever had before in his life.

    I'm not sure if you're all aware, but husband (who I refer here on out as "AH") has been steadily withdrawing from the family. Since difficult child 1 worships the ground he walks on, it's been grueling for him. The other kids are more matter-of-fact about it - the video games (in their minds) are more important to him than they are. I haven't gotten a "love you" (or any derivation there in) since the summer. Oh well.

    Anyway, difficult child 1 has been doing fabulously in school. Even got student of the month in November. However, he's been getting more and more disrespectful to me and aggressive toward his sibs on a daily basis. Things cracked on Friday and I was ready to take him to the ER, but AH was late again (every Friday for months!). difficult child was screaming, ranting and raving so badly that I called my sister across the street to take the other kids. He was threatening to kill himself, me, the entire family and then hollering that he needed me to help him, "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy" etc.

    At times it got to physical behavior because he tried to push past me, throwing things, etc.

    I was getting ready to call for an ambulance when the phone rang and it was AH. "Take an anxiety pill, go lay down OR you're going to the ER". Great. difficult child screamed that he wasn't ever taking the poison pills (he had physical withdrawal symptoms when we weaned him off the trileptal and swore to God and man that he'd never take medications again) and that AH was a horrible father, if he'd had a father like MY dad he would know how to be a good one, etc. CLICK! That was effective.

    A friend of mine who's an expert with Aspie's talked to him on the phone and he calmed down, but he exploded after he hung up with her. I put him in the car, was ready to go - he took the pill and said that he'd rather stay home.

    Flash forward to Saturday. AH got up at noon, took a shower, was sullen with difficult child 1 and lit him off again. AH said all kinds of nasty stuff and by 5:00, I was told "get him the eff out of here and see if he should be admitted." Great. End up driving him across the Island with him threatening to jump out of the car (I knew he wouldn't do it - he's terrified of everything) and pulling my hair from the back seat. We got to the ER and he was calm. I maintained my composure the entire time which I think disarmed him. He was matter-of-fact, conversational, and told the psychiatrist that he threatened to kill himself and others, held a knife to his head, etc. He said "oh, there's no chance I'd do it, I just needed someone to listen". DISCHARGE. He actually wanted to be checked in so he could stay away from home for a day or so. The doctor explained that these beds are really important for kids that can't get it together and did he think he NEEDED to stay or he just wanted to. difficult child said that he didn't want to cause someone else that may be dangerous to themself to not have somewhere to turn, so he would be fine but could use a break from our family.

    Long story short, they didn't admit him, but suggested that difficult child stay somewhere else for Sunday so that he would be away from the "stressors" (ahem: AH and the other kids - to a much lesser degree). He stayed at my dad's for the rest of the day (Saturday + night) and all day Sunday. My dad then asked if he could stay Sunday night as well since there was no school on Monday.

    He came home Monday morning, AH got up at noon and difficult child decided to make him lunch upstairs. I made tuna melts and he made one for AH (who was in the shower). Sandwich, chips, a coke and a note - "Dad, I love you and am trly sry for what I sed - sinsrealy - love difficult child" (major read/write disorders). He waited for him to come out of the shower (he left it on AH's pillow) and went in behind him to our room. AH tossed it on the bed toward him and said "I'm not hungry" in a deadpan voice and turned away. The kid was heartbroken. I understand what words hurt, but this kid is 11 years old in body, 25 in intelligence and about 5 emotionally. AH was sullen until he left to go to our neighbors to work on his basement.

    There's tons more (dad came over for a leg 0' lamb dinner, which became a total production number!) but everything around here was crazy.

    To put the total cherry on the cake is: last Thurs. I signed us up for "Intensive Intervention" so that we could get a specialist to come and help the family to avoid hospitals, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, etc. I explained to the kids it's sort of like the Supernanny without being on tv. difficult child 3 wants it to be on tv, but she'd rather that difficult child 1 just leave. She's had enough.

    Anyway, that's sort of why I haven't been around much. I guess it's more than the usual trauma and drama.

    I want to run away to Bermuda.

  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. AH (I do like the abbreviation) needs to figure it out. Guess you already knew that. It is so hard to see someone we love, someone our difficult child loves do things that hurt difficult child when they are just trying to reach out.

    I wish I had some good advice.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Bermuda sounds great!

    I am so sorry about all the drama, but frankly, the thing that got my goat was husband's reaction to your difficult child's note. That is SO sad.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow. I feel really badly for difficult child, with his father's reaction to his efforts. Many hugs...hope things settle down for all of you.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Why would you want to go to the Bermuda Triangle for vacation? It sounds like you already live there!

    Seriously, tho....I am so sorry that things have gotten so bad. I hope the Intervention person can help bring some major changes to the home dynamic!

  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    When does the intervention person come? Will that set AH off even more? (doesn't matter, let it...just be prepared).

    and if all else fails, I'll split the Bermuda fare with you...
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Is the intervention team the same as the crisis team? If not, do you have a crisis team in town for days such as these?

    The danger of driving difficult child to the ER combined with the expense can make things worse for YOU, the parent. A crisis team can come in & determine if there is a need for hospitalization & in some towns helps find a bed. Our team will ride with kt in the ambulance if necessary.

    It takes the decision process off me & places it in an objective persons hands.

    So sorry it's been so hard around your house ~ I know those days; those weeks ~ they get very long & tiresome.

    Find a window of time for yourself if you can during this stressful time. AH needs to work out what's going on quickly ~ he isn't helping.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well you beat me on horrible weekends! Sorry
    You need AH to get it together. I feel bad for difficult child even though he flipped, he did try to fix things.
    I like Linda's idea, it would make life a tiny bit easier for you.

    Anywhere but home right now sounds better for you.
  9. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

  10. ML

    ML Guest

    I am so sorry to hear about d/a h's withdrawl. I can't think of a more hurtful form of rejection. It's hard to fight apathy and coldness. I know what you're going through and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I hope the super nanny intervention is helpful and that you find a way to find moments of laughter in your days. I think difficult child sounds precious. Manster would have witten that kind of letter too. I'm sorry dad was rejecting of his peace offering.

    Love and hugs, ML
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you; sounds like things have been really rough. Saying a prayer things turn around soon.