difficult child 1 pregnant--again!

[janebrain]

Hi all,
my last post was about how I found out difficult child 1 who is out in Seattle is with the boyfriend--he had signed for a package I sent her. I had not talked to her yet about knowing he was back or maybe had never left in the 1st place, who knows?

This morning she sent me an email and said she wanted me to know that she and Mike were back together, that she couldn't keep it from me any longer. Okay, good. She said he had moved in with her but she made him pay 2 months rent up front and that he has a "good job." Then she said she is 6 weeks pregnant. Since she is an exotic dancer she won't be able to continue doing that for long. She said she will be working for a company making phone calls to get people to pay their bills and will make 12 dollars an hour. She said the State is paying for her medical care and birth of baby til she gets insurance. She said they have $7000.00 dollars saved up.

Do I believe all this? No. But, I am so glad she is 3000 miles away from me so I have no possibility of getting dragged in. Also, she has had 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years so I wonder if she can even carry a baby. And why does she not use birth control?

I am going to wait to respond to her and she actually asked me to take my time before responding and that she understands if I don't want anything to do with the kid.

I think I am sufficiently detached that this is not going to consume me--after all, it is her life, not mine. I am sure she can and will manage somehow but I do not plan to get involved in all that and I don't think she is asking me to anyway. One of my co-workers said maybe she would want to move back here now and I was horrified! No, I do not want her living back here. Luckily, she really loves Seattle and has never expressed any desire to move back here.

Well, I will keep you all updated and thanks for being here, it sure helps!

Jane

 

[mom_to_3]

O.M.G.! Yes, I'd be horrified too! I really don't know where they get off, asking you to take your time responding......................... I have always thought how interesting it was that they live their lives acting on impulse after impulse, yet have the nerve to "ask" us to wait before doing whatever it is we want.

I have to say that I "read" that you are in a calm place about this. Good for you. That will help you keep your sanity................ especially if there really isn't a baby?

 

[meowbunny]

The pluses: she was finally honest about Mike; she's not asking for anything from you; she's in Seattle; she apparently has a way to pay for her pregnancy; she's not asking to come home. The minuses: she pregnant; the daddy's a flake; she has a history of miscarriages; she's far away from you if she truly needs you; she's just starting a new life so the timing stinks.

From the tone of the email, it sounds like she's really not asking for anything but maybe your good wishes. The nice thing about is that no matter how we feel about our kids' stupid choices, we always want the best for them or, at the very least, the best possible outcome in any situation. Given the distance and the fact she's not asking to come home, you can actually play the happy grandmother and maybe even be there for the birth if you so desire. Not the best of situations, but truly not the worst.

So, congrats on maybe being a grandma!

P.S. You've detached beautifully.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Wow Jane, you have done really well on the detachment issue. I find that it is very freeing and stress free when you finally reach that point, and can see that the fairy tale story you are being told is just that, and there is no longer an urge for imput over a situation you have absolutely no control over.

The only thing to do is wish her well and keep your fingers crossed. And, congradulations on grammy status..

Marcie

 

[janebrain]

Thanks, Ladies--appreciate your support. I think you are right, Marcie--wish her well and cross my fingers, that's about it. If I think too much about the baby I start getting worried since I know the boyfriend is already a lousy father (has 2 dtrs he doesn't support and never sees) and I don't know how good a mother difficult child would be. I am afraid if she does carry the baby to term it is not going to have a very stable life.

Thanks for pointing out the positives, MB. I may as well look at the bright side since there is nothing I can do anyway.

Mom to 3, I think she wanted me to wait to respond since she knows my kneejerk reaction would be to rant and rave but you do have a point--they can be as impulsive as they like but Mom is not allowed the same luxury!

Actually, she does seem to want my approval, does not like me to be "mad" at her. I think she is afraid of me--too bad she never was while she lived with me!

Jane

 

[everywoman]

Sometimes the only thing you can do is detach. Often I have to just step back and view my difficult child as if I am watching a complete stranger. That way watching the destruction doesn't hurt quite as bad.

 

[Abbey]

The pluses: she was finally honest about Mike; she's not asking for anything from you; she's in Seattle; she apparently has a way to pay for her pregnancy; she's not asking to come home. The minuses: she pregnant; the daddy's a flake; she has a history of miscarriages; she's far away from you if she truly needs you; she's just starting a new life so the timing stinks.

From the tone of the email, it sounds like she's really not asking for anything but maybe your good wishes. The nice thing about is that no matter how we feel about our kids' stupid choices, we always want the best for them or, at the very least, the best possible outcome in any situation. Given the distance and the fact she's not asking to come home, you can actually play the happy grandmother and maybe even be there for the birth if you so desire. Not the best of situations, but truly not the worst.

So, congrats on maybe being a grandma!

P.S. You've detached beautifully.

Such a great response. I love this board.

Abbey

 

[witzend]

Well, MB pretty much said it all, didn't she? You have done a very good job with detaching, and she's going to do what she's going to do no matter how you react. So, you might as well just roll with the punches.

 

[janebrain]

Again, thanks for the responses, it really does help me remain strong. As Witz said, she is going to do what she is going to do no matter how I react. That is what I need to remember when I start thinking about the things I "should" say. I am powerless to control her, can only hope for the best!
Jane

 

[Star*]

Well,

Congratuations on the news of becoming a long distance grandma. I'd like to think that despite the fact that some of our grandkids will be raised by our difficult child's there's always that chance that the baby will be so ultra mature and wise - they look at their parents and call us and say "You know what Grandma? My Mom is crazy - I'm not going to be anything like her."

-I figure if you're going to dream - DREAM BIG.

But don't you feel just a little twinge of like writing back and being the difficult child YOURSELF AND SAY

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?????

I swear I think by the time my kid ever gets "it" I'll be nuts and say something to him like that. lol

Congratulations -

 

[janebrain]

Hi Star,
well, you know, there are kids who seem to turn out well despite their parents and then there are kids like ours who turn out "bad" even with devoted, caring parents. So, there is always a chance that if difficult child carries this baby to term it will thrive despite being the kid of 2 difficult children. Plus, there is the chance that difficult child will be a good mom--she does have her good points and she is a warm, affectionate person, she has that going for her....
Jane

 

[everywoman]

My concern, Jane, is in previous posts you've talked about her abuse difficult child 2 and how it has affected her life. If she would abuse her sister, would she also abuse the child?

 

[susiestar]

Jane,

It sounds like you have a pretty realistic view of the situation. MB pretty much said all I was thinking.

Star also said what many of us so often want to say to our difficult children. And someday we just might. Wouldn't that shock them out of their socks??

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Hound dog]

Congrats on becoming a grandma.

I think difficult child seeking your approval is a good thing. Like you said, she never seemed to care while she was with you. And she hasn't asked for anything. Maybe (fingers crossed) these are little signs that maturity is creeping up on her.

Hugs

 

[janebrain]

Hi Everywoman,
I don't think she would abuse the child--but then, I don't really know. I don't know the details of what she actually did to difficult child 2 (other than things I saw which could be seen as intense sibling rivalry but not actually abusive). difficult child 2 is extremely sensitive so maybe what she calls abuse someone else would not. difficult child 1 has expressed remorse to both me and difficult child 2 over being so mean to her when they were younger and she treats her very well now.

She had a bird when she was a teen who unfortunately did not live long but she was devoted to that bird. I am hoping that is how she would be with a baby. But, then we have the rat whom she and the boyfriend left to fend for itself when they abandoned their apt. about a year ago!

I think the boyfriend is able to convince her to do things she might not otherwise, that is a worry.

But, the bottom line is, there is nothing I can do about any of it. I won't even know what is going on with the baby because I live so far away. And if I did live near I would not want to be very involved because I am not going to raise a grandchild and especially one that is likely to be a difficult child with 2 difficult child parents!

Jane

 

[Star*]

THATS RIGHT _

YOU are the other rat momma. And I just adopted a new Dumbo rat. She is ridiculously sweet. Cuddly - and not at all evil like her previous owner said.

I wan't going to get another one but -

Oh - and by the way - frozen peas in a dish on Sunday and you're in with Rats like (snap)

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Jane,

wasn't her abuse of difficult child 2 more about jealousy? Am I remembering this correctly? If that is the case, then I don't think it would be the same with her own child.

Here is a blue ribbon for graduating detachment 101. Here is another basket of hugs (you can never have too many!). This one has some bubble bath, a soft fluffy towel, and bon bons.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Sounds like she has at least thought it through, even if she doesn't follow through... Yep, distance can make relationships stronger.....you don't have to deal with day to day stupid behaviors in your face.... You are doing great and know that we are all here and feel your pain, worry, and frustration in that we have no control and they don't want to hear any guiding thoughts......

 

[Suz]

Yes, distance makes a huge difference. Good for you, Jane.

Suz