difficult child 3 being stalked

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Marguerite, Nov 7, 2014.

  1. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    This is a bit bizarre.

    A few weeks ago, difficult child 3's Facebook page got blocked. Someone had reported him as being signed on under a pseudonym. So he changed his ID to another pseudonym. A week later he got blocked again. And this time when he tried to sign in, they insisted on seeing copies of his ID. Not allowed to be on Facebook under a pseudonym, which is crazy as far as I can see, because there are many reasons (especially with difficult children who still need to learn proper social skills) for being on Facebook under a pseudonym.

    Anyway... each time this happened it was either late on a Friday night or sometime on a Saturday. Two weeks ago difficult child 3 was finally on Facebook under his real name. I'm not happy about that but what can I do?

    It was still a mystery, however. Then difficult child 3 told me that a lot of his posts had been reported. Without reason, he said. By this time he was starting to think he knew who it was - a girl at his SpEd drama class. He's since blocked her. He believed that he couldn't say anything to anyone in charge of the drama class because they had made an announcement saying that they were all adults and should leave any personal differences outside.

    I didn't agree, so I rang them. Turned out difficult child 3 had misunderstood, they did want to know (especially when I said that difficult child 3 and his friend who had also been receiving similar treatment from this girl, were thinking of quitting drama).

    So last Friday night (which is when drama class is on) the person in charge talked to the girl, and talked to difficult child 3 and also his friend. The girl was told to leave him alone.

    So to last night (Thursday night). Drako started getting Facebook messages from the girl. He'd been ignoring her messages until she said she was pregnant. He replied, "Who's the father?" (knowing full well it wasn't him).
    She replied, "I'm not really, but it got you talking."
    He replied, "So it was just a ruse?"
    By this time he was in the house. She replied, "What's a ruse?"

    Now, I have been asking difficult child 3 what this girl's disability is. When she didn't know what "ruse" was, I began to wonder a bit more. I asked difficult child 3 to find a photo of her from Facebook. Turns out, she has Downs. As do a lot of other class members. From what I've seen, apart from a couple of random people, just about everybody in this drama class are either Downs or autistic. difficult child 3's friend is another autistic.

    It seems this girl wants to be someone's girlfriend, and at first it was difficult child 3's friend, and now it's difficult child 3. Both boys were firm, and finally rude, in telling her they weren't interested. And when they had to get rude is when they found themselves getting reported to Facebook and blocked form their own pages.

    I rang again today, told the staff that although these kids are legally adults, when it comes to social skills and interpersonal relationships I think their parents need to be kept informed. At last they agree, and this girl's parents will be told.

    The interesting thing - difficult child 3 didn't realise the girl is Downs, even when I could see it from her photos. He knows (and is friends with) other Downs people, but has not made the connection between their similarities to one another. Yet he can spot another autistic person very quickly.

    I do at times feel I'm meddling too much, but I really don't think, when it comes to social skills, that any of these kids/young adults should be let loose on one another without a chaperone and a guide.

    I just want to make it clear - if difficult child 3 did want to be this girl's boyfriend, I wouldn't have a problem. My concern with her being Downs is that difficult child 3 treats everybody as if they think the way he does. And there would be a big gulf between the way he functions, and the way someone with Downs functions. And without careful support and supervision, he would very likely hurt her feelings badly without even realising. When it comes to vulnerable people, difficult child 3 is a bull in a china shop.

  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I think you are doing the right thing by getting involved and I think you would be applauded for getting involved for thinking of everyone concerned. Just make sure you explain to them , the parents and school, like you did here. Are you sure the girl he showed a photo of is the girl that you think is causing all of this?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Marg!!!!!!! :) Speaking of oldtimers...

    Anyway, I do think you are doing the right thing. I would intervene for my autistic son. This is different than giving too much help to a person who is not disabled.

    I wish they had stuff like special needs drama in the U.S. All we have is Special Olympics (sports) and some dances, which Sonic will not go to. But he does live on his own now and has a job!!! :)

    Nice to "see" you here. Hope this girl can be made to understand that she is being inappropriate.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Add me to the list of yea-sayers. Physical age isn't the same as operational age... especially socially!
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Thanks, everyone.

    It is the same girl. She has admitted it. After she admitted it, she was told to stay away from difficult child 3, to not hassle him. I haven't found out yet how he got on at drama class last night. He was too focussed on other issues when I saw him this evening. That is a good sign, I guess. it means that he wasn't left with unresolved hassles.

    We have Special Olympics here but I'm not sure if difficult child 3 would qualify. I remember making enquiries when another parent from an earlier drama class told us about it. Also for us, Special Olympics was on at a difficult time and location for us, plus difficult child 3 is not into sport. He wasn't interested in drama, either, but I forced him to go. He's learned a fair bit socially, especially he's learned a wider range of tolerance of other people who have different disabilities. He couldn't cope with a kid with Prader-Willi, though. And there was a Downs girl at his earlier drama class who used to sometimes be annoying, in his words. So he has a long way to go when it comes to being understanding of people who are not exactly like him.

    difficult child 3 can sometimes seem 'normal' - he drives a car, he's doing work experience, he even freelances a bit with IT consultant stuff. I gather he had a job today, someone saw his ad on the wall at the local shop. I think he's the only client at drama class who drives a car. He's one of the youngest, too. He's got a high IQ but socially he's about 10 years old. If that.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had to force Sonic to go to Special Olympics. I don't know if he qualified either as his IQ is normal, but the doctor put down as a second diagnosis Cognitive Disorder not otherwise specified, which he explained was because he thinks and learns differently and at a different pace. That's how Sonic got in and he loves it. If there had been special needs drama, I would have seen if he liked that too. Sonic is the type of young man who needs to try things or else he automatically says, "I don't want to do that." As he needs social interaction, he always had to at least try!!
    Nobody who doesn't know Sonic thinks he is on the autism spectrum. Mostly they say, "Oh, I thought he was just shy" or "Oh, I thought maybe ADHD" (he fidgets a lot) lol.
    But he also was not diagnosed with Aspergers, which is higher functioning. He was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, which is atypical autism.
    Back on topic, I really wish the kids with things like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) here in the U.S. had more options in activities. Sonic loves them and he can be himself and not on "typical" behavior, if you know what I mean :) He always tries very hard to fit in.

    I hope your problem gets solved. This boy/girl thing can be touchy with adults who have social skills that lag so far behind their ages!!! I'm glad to "see" you here :)
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great sleuthing and parenting, Marg!
    I hope that this girl's parents and the teachers can get her to stop doing all of this. It needs to be a rule, not a personal thing. So sorry you all are having to go through it.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just chiming in with my agreement. I definitely think you did the right thing.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Apparently there were no issues last Friday night. The coordinator talked to the girl and to difficult child 3, there do not seem to have been any issues since. I would need to directly ask difficult child 3 if she's been bothering him any more, he won't volunteer the information and for various reasons, I've only seen him in passing for the last few days (thanks to our weird living arrangements).

    I should see difficult child 3 tonight for dinner. I'll talk to him then. It was the same time last week that she was pestering him and telling him she was pregnant. She tends to do things in a pattern. if there has been no more contact, it could mean that the problem is resolved.

  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Life is hard enough for our kids who are struggling just to cope with normal issues. Throw in someone else's issues and it can derail all of their progress.