She has now graduated officially to difficult child 3, darn it.
My 13 yo daughter has become more and more difficult as puberty has progressed.
She is now simply attempting to bully me and my SO into giving her what she wants all the time. Since this is not successful with me her new tactic is to try to split us and turn us against each other.
I am now the bad mother, my SO the good mother. I am now not to be spoken to except with screams or a disparaging tone and looks that could kill - that's when she even speaks to me. She prefers to give me a killing look and stalk out of the room while I am speaking or instead of answering a question or request.
My SO is suddenly the only one she will confide in or talk to - although daughter doesn't speak to SO any more respectfully than she does to me most of the time. daughter told SO that she isn't disrespectful to SO and SO told her flat out that daughter was very disrespectful and SO didn't see that she treated either of us appropriately most of the time.
My SO is admittedly the somewhat weak link in the chain of our family. She doesn't always check in with me before giving the kids something they want that I already said NO to. When she has to handle a pending melt down it's much more likely to end up in full blown volcano mode than if I handle things. So sometimes I step in to prevent the blow up. After hearing me rebuff difficult child 2's mission mode for at least 2 weeks (he wanted a very expensive skateboard) she went and let him buy a $135 skateboard while he was out on an errand with her. I was very polite to her when they came in the skateboard...
SO is really much, much better than she used to be about this stuff. Used to be a full-blown armchair parent. But we are two different people and sometimes handle things differently - as is to be expected. Don't think there'll be another skateboard incident though...freezer burn is a little strong to describe our private conversation about it that evening but memorable probably covers it.
The daughter is very socially observant and is getting more and more self-pitying about how hard her life is with difficult child 2 for a twin brother. I, of course, "blame" her for everything and "always" take her brother's side against her. She doesn't like it that I have her number and give her consequences when I know that she has deliberately provoked her brother into fighting with her - something she is doing more and more. Or when she gets out of line about chores, language, friends etc.
Last night the difficult child 3 sat in our family room and talked about me to my SO as if I wasn't in the room. All about how I am the "top dog" in the house and my SO just does everything I tell her to do. How my SO never stands up to me...you get the drift. Casting me as an abuser when she is the one whose behavior is bordering on abuse.
My SO flat out laughed at daughter when daughter claimed my SO does everything I tell her. Of course this is absolutely not the case. Like most couples we each have our area of "expertise" and responsibility in the family and tend to dominate in discussions or decisions about that area. I manage the day to day finances and most of the stuff to do with inside chores and the kids including Special Education. SO goes to work all day and earns the bacon plus handles all the outside chores/projects and sometimes the cooking.
I am getting seriously ****** at this child. She works really hard to turn every exchange with me into a power struggle. She doesn't have a door to her bedroom anymore because she broke the door jamb slamming her door over and over to prove to me that she could slam her door "if she liked" after I politely asked her not to slam it. Then she dragged keepsake clothes that were stored in her very large closet (my wedding dress, the twin's christening outfits, etc.) broke the hangers and stirred everything up on the floor. She was starting to stomp on it all when I walked by her room and caught her.
To say that I went ballistic really doesn't cover it.
I need some advice if anyone has it to offer on how to continue to set appropriate limits without triggering her into becoming more and more oppositional. My SO can't be here every hour of every day to do the discipline even if I thought that was the right way to handle things.
I don't think daughter really wants to be this way - I think she has sort of trapped herself in that role and can't figure a way out without a major loss of face.
Thanks folks
My 13 yo daughter has become more and more difficult as puberty has progressed.
She is now simply attempting to bully me and my SO into giving her what she wants all the time. Since this is not successful with me her new tactic is to try to split us and turn us against each other.
I am now the bad mother, my SO the good mother. I am now not to be spoken to except with screams or a disparaging tone and looks that could kill - that's when she even speaks to me. She prefers to give me a killing look and stalk out of the room while I am speaking or instead of answering a question or request.
My SO is suddenly the only one she will confide in or talk to - although daughter doesn't speak to SO any more respectfully than she does to me most of the time. daughter told SO that she isn't disrespectful to SO and SO told her flat out that daughter was very disrespectful and SO didn't see that she treated either of us appropriately most of the time.
My SO is admittedly the somewhat weak link in the chain of our family. She doesn't always check in with me before giving the kids something they want that I already said NO to. When she has to handle a pending melt down it's much more likely to end up in full blown volcano mode than if I handle things. So sometimes I step in to prevent the blow up. After hearing me rebuff difficult child 2's mission mode for at least 2 weeks (he wanted a very expensive skateboard) she went and let him buy a $135 skateboard while he was out on an errand with her. I was very polite to her when they came in the skateboard...
SO is really much, much better than she used to be about this stuff. Used to be a full-blown armchair parent. But we are two different people and sometimes handle things differently - as is to be expected. Don't think there'll be another skateboard incident though...freezer burn is a little strong to describe our private conversation about it that evening but memorable probably covers it.
The daughter is very socially observant and is getting more and more self-pitying about how hard her life is with difficult child 2 for a twin brother. I, of course, "blame" her for everything and "always" take her brother's side against her. She doesn't like it that I have her number and give her consequences when I know that she has deliberately provoked her brother into fighting with her - something she is doing more and more. Or when she gets out of line about chores, language, friends etc.
Last night the difficult child 3 sat in our family room and talked about me to my SO as if I wasn't in the room. All about how I am the "top dog" in the house and my SO just does everything I tell her to do. How my SO never stands up to me...you get the drift. Casting me as an abuser when she is the one whose behavior is bordering on abuse.
My SO flat out laughed at daughter when daughter claimed my SO does everything I tell her. Of course this is absolutely not the case. Like most couples we each have our area of "expertise" and responsibility in the family and tend to dominate in discussions or decisions about that area. I manage the day to day finances and most of the stuff to do with inside chores and the kids including Special Education. SO goes to work all day and earns the bacon plus handles all the outside chores/projects and sometimes the cooking.
I am getting seriously ****** at this child. She works really hard to turn every exchange with me into a power struggle. She doesn't have a door to her bedroom anymore because she broke the door jamb slamming her door over and over to prove to me that she could slam her door "if she liked" after I politely asked her not to slam it. Then she dragged keepsake clothes that were stored in her very large closet (my wedding dress, the twin's christening outfits, etc.) broke the hangers and stirred everything up on the floor. She was starting to stomp on it all when I walked by her room and caught her.
To say that I went ballistic really doesn't cover it.
I need some advice if anyone has it to offer on how to continue to set appropriate limits without triggering her into becoming more and more oppositional. My SO can't be here every hour of every day to do the discipline even if I thought that was the right way to handle things.
I don't think daughter really wants to be this way - I think she has sort of trapped herself in that role and can't figure a way out without a major loss of face.
Thanks folks
