Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Difficult child, ALMOST 18, and wants to move out...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 667965" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>It seems like a lot of people describe this as spiraling down. In our experience, it felt like "spinning out" instead. I don't know whether you should or should not let her leave. I can tell you my son's spinning out seemed more like a scream for help so he wouldn't devolve into a more troubled place. There is always the possibility that more will be revealed, I'm sure, for us and for you, but I wonder whether for your daughter's sake you should view it as a difficult time at least for now, if it hasn't yet become chronic. Of course, that depends on how bearable it is for your family. Our son was hospitalized twice for binge drinking, was doing drugs and druggie behaviors, and was becoming increasingly belligerent at home, insisting he would be better off living somewhere else. But he had not become threatening, violent, or self-harming. And he was slipping but still in good standing in school. He had not gotten in trouble with the law. </p><p></p><p>But in residential treatment, he was with plenty of kids who had done all of that. When they had a number of weeks away from their substances, peers and even school and family stresses, and with the help of therapists, peer support, etc, they were able to calm the f@#k down. And the parents were able to as well. I know for many on this forum, residential treatment was not the end of the kids' journeys for sure, but a lot of people seem to acknowledge that their kids did gain knowledge and tools from it. </p><p></p><p>I don't know where you live, or what is available to you, but seeking help for her and support for yourself may relieve some of the immediate stress of the situation. There are inpatient and outpatient programs, troubled teen counselors, wilderness programs, programs through area hospitals, youth AA meetings. In all of these things there are opportunities for your daughter to be with adults that she hasn't yet disappointed and peers who she hasn't been doing bad things with.</p><p></p><p>For parents there are books about how to support troubled teens, and al-anon meetings in which parents share their tools for detaching with love and living more peacefully at home. I have 3 kids as well, and two seem not to have their nails on the chalkboard of life, like my oldest. But, I have pretty much had a "one size fits all" parenting style for all of them. And maybe I shouldn't have. All teens are prone to narcissism and fantasy thinking, like how they will lead this great life outside the home, but the more intense (or troubled) teens are especially. Whereas before I would have just addressed the fantasy ideas head on, thinking I needed to disabuse him or teach something, I am now using techniques I learned from other parents in Al-anon to keep conversations from escalating to the point where my son takes it to irrational or disturbing levels. And from those parents and this forum, I have a better sense of how long and bumpy the road might be, which doesn't make moment to moment living easier per se, but it does make the unknown less terrifying. And I have a whole different perspective about what I should want for my son. I want him to be healthy and happy, period end of story. I'm not wringing my hands about the specifics of it anymore, and I think that has relieved pressure from him, but also given him the room to want things for himself some day, instead of always having his parents want everything for him first, or more. (My son chose online school this year, for example, and he is doing well). Putting in the effort to "clean up my side of the street" as they say, seems to be changing the balance for the better at home, but at a minimum it helps to gain some much needed distance so we (as parents) aren't clouding the issue ourselves. </p><p></p><p>If you can inject that distance a little, with or without help, it may help you to see your daughter more sympathetically. It sure did in my case.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 667965, member: 19290"] It seems like a lot of people describe this as spiraling down. In our experience, it felt like "spinning out" instead. I don't know whether you should or should not let her leave. I can tell you my son's spinning out seemed more like a scream for help so he wouldn't devolve into a more troubled place. There is always the possibility that more will be revealed, I'm sure, for us and for you, but I wonder whether for your daughter's sake you should view it as a difficult time at least for now, if it hasn't yet become chronic. Of course, that depends on how bearable it is for your family. Our son was hospitalized twice for binge drinking, was doing drugs and druggie behaviors, and was becoming increasingly belligerent at home, insisting he would be better off living somewhere else. But he had not become threatening, violent, or self-harming. And he was slipping but still in good standing in school. He had not gotten in trouble with the law. But in residential treatment, he was with plenty of kids who had done all of that. When they had a number of weeks away from their substances, peers and even school and family stresses, and with the help of therapists, peer support, etc, they were able to calm the f@#k down. And the parents were able to as well. I know for many on this forum, residential treatment was not the end of the kids' journeys for sure, but a lot of people seem to acknowledge that their kids did gain knowledge and tools from it. I don't know where you live, or what is available to you, but seeking help for her and support for yourself may relieve some of the immediate stress of the situation. There are inpatient and outpatient programs, troubled teen counselors, wilderness programs, programs through area hospitals, youth AA meetings. In all of these things there are opportunities for your daughter to be with adults that she hasn't yet disappointed and peers who she hasn't been doing bad things with. For parents there are books about how to support troubled teens, and al-anon meetings in which parents share their tools for detaching with love and living more peacefully at home. I have 3 kids as well, and two seem not to have their nails on the chalkboard of life, like my oldest. But, I have pretty much had a "one size fits all" parenting style for all of them. And maybe I shouldn't have. All teens are prone to narcissism and fantasy thinking, like how they will lead this great life outside the home, but the more intense (or troubled) teens are especially. Whereas before I would have just addressed the fantasy ideas head on, thinking I needed to disabuse him or teach something, I am now using techniques I learned from other parents in Al-anon to keep conversations from escalating to the point where my son takes it to irrational or disturbing levels. And from those parents and this forum, I have a better sense of how long and bumpy the road might be, which doesn't make moment to moment living easier per se, but it does make the unknown less terrifying. And I have a whole different perspective about what I should want for my son. I want him to be healthy and happy, period end of story. I'm not wringing my hands about the specifics of it anymore, and I think that has relieved pressure from him, but also given him the room to want things for himself some day, instead of always having his parents want everything for him first, or more. (My son chose online school this year, for example, and he is doing well). Putting in the effort to "clean up my side of the street" as they say, seems to be changing the balance for the better at home, but at a minimum it helps to gain some much needed distance so we (as parents) aren't clouding the issue ourselves. If you can inject that distance a little, with or without help, it may help you to see your daughter more sympathetically. It sure did in my case. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Difficult child, ALMOST 18, and wants to move out...
Top