difficult child Always Reverts To Physical Threats

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I just don't understand why he does this. He doesn't get what he wants (in this case easy child to play the same racing game that he wants to play), so he looks to me to "make" easy child give in. I tell him that easy child just walked in the door. Let him have a snack and a few minutes to breath and then I will talk to him, but I'm not going to make him do anything. That starts the whole, "I don't trust that you're going to talk to him. He hates me." easy child tells him that he promises that he will talk to me about it, to which difficult child replies that if I don't talk to easy child we're "both going to be punished!" I told him that he can't punish his mother and his reply was that he could "beat the s**t out of" both of us.

    i sent a text to the therapist (his next appointment is tomorrow), and it seems to have blown over (for now) because easy child said that he wants to play with difficult child, he just doesn't want to do it right now, so they agreed to play the game at 5:00 pm.

    It just makes me crazy! He's made such progress, but the minute the world does not revolve around him he slides back to threats.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh! I know what you mean. My difficult child has made a ton of progress when it comes to violence, yet daily he reverts to physical threats (thankfully doesn't follow through). Sending gentle hugs your way.
  3. tammybackagain

    tammybackagain New Member

    do you know someone on the police force or do they have a unit that deals with Psyc? When difficult child 1 was younger he would threaten me all the time I finally called friend on the force who came over told him next time he "threatened" anything or did anything he would be taken out of house in handcuffs... about month later again he threatened me, called friend he come and handcuffed difficult child 1 and took him to psy ward for 72 hr evaluation, never had problem again. just a thought
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Unfortunately, I don't know anyone on the police force here. Thanks for the support. I just get tired of living like this sometimes.
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Does he ever do what he threatens?
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Quin threatens as you well know. But it's all talk. His actual aggression is impulsive. I always know I can deescalate things easier if he's being verbally aggressive.

    Both stink. And verbals get him in trouble. He is making some small progress though lately so I'm hoping it will still have a chance to get better.

    But his go to if he wants something and is denied is often negative. It gets wearing on me. I can't imagine having to control the reactions of a easy child and spouse too. I get glimpses with cousins and aunties/grandparents but its rare.

    It's a slow process, part strategy, part medications, part maturity ....but were working on it.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Yes, he has, but it's been a while since he's actually done it. That could change quickly with him.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    difficult child 1 used to do that on a regular basis. Because he is so small for his age, it was his way of feeling "in charge". It has gotten MUCH better, as in it takes a lot to get him to that point, but he's making huge progress. Yes, it is VERY tiring so I can sympathize. I also know what it's like having to mediate between difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 ALL the time. That just adds to the stress we carry. I get tired of explaining everything to difficult child 2 as well. I'm having to teach both of mine at the same time and neither one "gets it". I share your frustration and am sending ((((HUGS)))).
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you! It wears you out, even when he doesn't actually do anything physical. And emotional stress can wear you out in the same way that running a marathon can.
    Not to mention the disappointment of thinking that some progress has been made.
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Mine is impulsively violent, too. Knocks things over, scratches me, bites me, kicks me, hits me, etc. She's usually more verbally aggressive than physically aggressive lately, but that's little consolation when she's almost as big as me now.
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    And that is the other problem. He IS bigger than me now. By almost half a foot!! If he really wanted to pound on me, he could.
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    difficult child 1 had to learn the hard way that if he couldn't be safe he couldn't be with us. He is almost as big as me and is testing his boundaries. Mostly now he is talk. Once in awhile though he gets aggressive.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bunny I have noticed you posting about this same type thing over the time you have been here and it worries me. If your son is that much bigger than you then you do need to get his attention fast.

    I like the idea of calling the police and asking them if they have anyone who could come out and put the fear of God in him. He cant keep thinking he can tell you what to do or threaten you.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Bunny, what does psychiatrist say? our neuro and psychiatrist have forms to fill out about medsand concerns when we go. psychiatrists asks if there are any safety concerns. that always takes priority.
    do you feel difficult child has tools to do better?
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    He can do better when he chooses to do who. We've all seen it. He actually just did it this afternoon. Stayed calm, which allowed me to talk to him so he could make a great choice. I was really pleased with him this afternoon, and I made sure that he knew it.

    I don't know if I'm not reaching him in time, before he really spins way out of control, or why sometimes he can't seem to really stay in control. The therapist is working with him, but he makes progress and the will backslide, and then deny it to the therapist. To copy a Dr. Phil-ism: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. If he won't admit that he is physically threatening to easy child and me, he will ever be able to change that behavior.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well I think sometimes kids won't admit to an adult because they think they'll get into trouble. Not always that they are not acknowledging it. Must be frustrating for therapists because unlike adults who seek them to do better, some (not all) kids just go because we make them or they hope the doctor might fix things to go their way. So I can see how you could get frustrated.

    I know he has no other diagnosis but has he ever had other treatments to help learn to calm? The kind of eeg therapy Quin goes to is passive, it changes brain waves to help keep levels good and to help the brain be flexible. It's so interesting and I believe it works in part with the other changes weve made. I honestly believe behavior therapy and talking about the bad stuff makes my Q feel badly, defensive and angry. But the horse therapy forces him to face anxiety and deal with it with animals that could care less if they're threatened. And finally being in a school where he has multiple successful things happening thru the day....things he likes which gives him positive attention from lots of folks (they don't believe us afterall ) has made a huge impact.
    Other things we've done were art classes for special needs and his social skills classes. Your difficult child doesn't have social issues though, right?
    Anyway, just mentioning it because you've not felt therapist has helped so wondered if other methods might help?
  17. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    One of the things we've tried time and again to get difficult child to understand is that he can say ANYTHING to the therapist in his office. That is a "safe zone". The therapist genuinely likes difficult child and has told him that nothing difficult child says will change the therapist's opinion of him. The more he admits to, the more information we have to work with and the more the therapist will be able to help him. This is why the therapist thought a second opinion was a great idea. The more info we have the better off we are. difficult child is refusing to cooperate with it. He refuses to go.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Any way to bribe him big time? That's one time I wouldn't care what it took.

    In any event, trying alternatives wouldn't hurt. Don't call it therapy ever though.

    Clearly something about talking doesn't work for him.
  19. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I think that after his episodes are over he truly is mortified at his own behavior. If he doesn't have to talk about it, he doesn't have to deal with it. That's what I think it is.
  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I've also been wondering whether he is using those phrases without really thinking about what he is saying?

    My difficult child does this....and it took me a while to figure out that her words were just a habit - a broken record - something to say in a stressful situation the way a religious person might recite a prayer for comfort without really realizing they are doing so.

    It took us a very long time to convince difficult child that words DO count and people DO think you mean what you say...and it's NOT OK to just ramble off any offensive or violent words just because hearing them said out loud makes her feel better in a moment of anger.