difficult child and dad saga cont.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Aug 6, 2007.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, I am feeling quite sad tonight, as it has become completely evident that difficult children dad refuses to talk to him. As difficult child says,
    "I am trying hard not to believe that my dad is simply blowing me off." But yet, I am afraid that is exactly what he is doing.

    As some of you may remember, difficult children dad has been absent for the most part of the last 12 years. About 9 months ago he reappeared as "super-dad", and tried to swoop in and convince difficult child he was the most amazing dad ever. I waited it out for about 6 months, but after "super-dad" disappeared for weeks on end, I pressed charges for the 10K he owes in past child support. Right as I did this, and the charges were still unknown to "super-dad" - he swooped in - wooed difficult children with lies and promises - filled his head with hope - and they became best buddies for 2 more months. Once the charges hit, "super-dad" pulled a horrible stunt with difficult child and told him all of these lies about me, gave him alcohol, and filled my son to the brim with bile and hate. From this point on, I told "super-dad" that he could only have visitation at my house........which brings me to the present.

    "Super-dad" called every day last week, each time promising to come over the next. Each day, no phone call, until late at night, where he proceeded to make up a lie as to why he did not come over - but "he would be over the next day". My son, completely in awe of his "super-dad", refused to leave the house last week, every day, because "Mom! My dad is going to call and then come over". He was like a sad puppy, sitting by the phone all day - he would only go outside in the yard, and only if the phone was in his pocket.

    So, this past Sat "super-dad" called to say he would have a "big father son day tomorrow - so difficult child should get ready!" Noon rolled around, no phone call. difficult child called him - no answer. difficult child must have called 30 times Sunday, no answer. Some times his phone would be off, sometime busy, sometimes he got the answering machine, sometimes not - so you knew he was there. difficult child left the saddest messages - "Dad......Pleeeeeze call me, I thought we were doing something today!" Achhhh.......breaks my heart! Monday, today, same thing - no answer, nothing. I mean who does this to their worst enemy, let alone a kid who he knows thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread? It makes me sick.

    I know this is long - and I appreciate all you have hung in there with me for this post - but I am so disgusted over this. I am trying so hard to detach, and remember that this is not my problem but difficult children....... and that he is 16 and he can take care of himself - but when someone hurts your kid like this, especially the man that helped bring them into this world, it is almost more than one can watch. I just feel heart broken for my child........he deserves so much more! He has enough problems with his illness, and the consequences he has inflicted upon himself because of that illness, that he does not need his parent, his supposed male role model, to inflict complete rejection and abandonment upon his soul. It is just heartbreaking.........and renders me capable of some heinous thoughts towards "super-dad".
     
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    What a horrible human being! At least difficult child has you. I'm sorry "super dad" is being such a jerk.
     
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Anytime your kids hurt, you hurt. I don't think they ever get to an age where that doesn't happen.

    "Super-dad" is a jerk. Big time.

    Hugs to you and your difficult child. I hope difficult child realizes that this is not a reflection of him, but is a reflection of his father.

    I can just picture your son waiting so eagerly for his dad. Makes me want to get a big stick and start handing out beatings. :grrr: It's a good thing I'm not violent.
     
  4. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm so sorry for both difficult child and you. I know how bad this hurts, this is what we went through before termination. Fortunately for us, our kids are younger and didn't have much say in it. They too feel like dear old mom is "super mom" when I would be more likely to describe her as "dead beat mom".

    difficult child unfortunately will eventually figure it all out, but in the mean time you have to watch him go through this. It is heartbreaking. Unfortunately with "super dead beat dad" all you can do is offer difficult child a shoulder to cry on.

    My heart goes out to difficult child and my mommy heart breaks for your mommy heart.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WW-I'm so sorry for both difficult child and you. You are both hurting and it's all because of "super dad" :grrr:I wish he could understand how much he is hurting his child. Hugs.
     
  6. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    One thing I have always said since we started our court battle more than 2 years ago is that just because someone is blood related to you, doesn't give them the right to rip your heart out and tear it to shreds, unfortunately it usually does give them the ability. I wish this light would go off in our difficult children heads and hearts. These bio parents don't have the right to treat them this way, they deserve better and should expect better and I wish there was a way we could make our difficult children understand this sooner rather than later.
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Very sad that a parent would do this to a child.
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sad that any adult would do this to a child, let alone their own child.

    The only thing you can do is encourage difficult child to use this life experience to be the best dad he can be some day.
     
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    This is awful and what's worse, you predicted it. The only consolation (not that there can really be much consolation, and none for difficult child) is that the nasty things Super-dad said about you are now exposed as lies, along with everything else Super-Dad said and promised.

    It's nasty, it's awful, but with a Super-dad like this, difficult child needs the experience to help him recognise a louse when he sees one, and to not be sucked in again so easily.

    Can you do anything to use this to help protect difficult child in future? There really should be some rule that says if Super-dad wants to be in difficult child's life, he has certain responsibilities to meet first. Repeatedly making arrangements and then dropping them without notice or valid reason given afterwards, shouldn't be allowed to happen more than once or twice before visitation arrangements can be legally modified to protect the child.

    Can you explain to difficult child that this isn't how dads are supposed to be, but it's not difficult child's fault, it's not your fault, it's just that some people are less able to organise themselves or to keep promises. His dad may love him, but he simply isn't able to be a responsible father right now. It only takes DNA to make a father but it takes a lot more than DNA or even love to make a Dad. It takes responsibility and stepping up to the plate, being there for the hard times as well as the football in the park.

    Marg
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Awwww, hugs to you and really big ones to difficult child. Poor kid. 16 or 26 or 36, it has to hurt when a parent doesn't have time for you.
     
  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awwww....this is so sad. Some me just don't get it.

    When exbonehead and I first seperated, I would do everything I could to "cover" for his inadequacies - "he had a late business meeting", "it probably took longer to check on the apartment than he thought", etc. But about a year into it, I realized that I was not responsible for his relationship with his kids, he was! It was not my job to smooth over his boneheadedness. His kids would realize where his priorities were. I have since told the kids when they have asked where dad is or why he didn't do such and such to "call and ask him yourself".

    Oh, it still hurts to see your children sad and dissapointed but at least they blame him and not me.

    Hugs,
    Sharon
     
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry.


    When your son takes his hate at his father out on you, know that it is because you are convenient. He does not hate you. He hates his father.

    He will not admit that for a long, long time, if ever.

    You are his constant, and you are safe for him to be angry at.

    Hugs and prayers to both of you.
     
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Reading your posts has me crying again..........thanks SO much for caring.
    :flower:

    Sometimes it seems so lonely just difficult child and me.......especially when I know what my son needs most is a positive caring male role model. My father, his grandpa, tried to rise to the occasion when difficult child was younger - but my dad's temper and difficult children temper inevitably ignited one another. As a teen difficult child wanted nothing to do with grandpa because of their flare ups - and now my dad has cancer, and has pretty much written difficult child off as well.

    AllStressedOut - you are so right on the money with the saying that our blood family does not have the "right" to tear our hearts out, they simply have the ability. And Marg thank you for reminding me that there is a lot more to love than DNA - how I wish, just once, that his dad had taken the time to even throw a football though............

    Intellectually difficult child knows that his dad is faulty in all sets of his wiring - it is just in his little kid heart that he still has this hope and dream. His dad left when he was 4, and emotionally I am not sure my son has progressed past that age with his relationship with his dad. He knows how to harden against him when he is gone for long periods of time, but once he is back in his life his heart melts to marshmellow mush.

    I guess the good news is that it looks this will be "super-dads" final disappearing act.......and difficult child will be able to move again to his hard place that he has found over the years.
     
  14. Babbs

    Babbs New Member

    WW

    my heart breaks for you and your son. Does your son go to counseling at all?

    Recently divorced myself, I've had to watch my ex-AH do similiar emotional game playing with my 6 year old. The one thing I'm so glad I did was get my son into counseling for about 7 months last year and again this year. It's really been helpful for me to hear him practice with his counselor how to tell his dad how he feels and then listen to him tell his dad "Stop teasing me!" or "I want you to call me more."

    I've slowly come to the realization that I'm going to have to put my son back into therapy every time ex-AH starts playing emotional games and every developmental stage that my son progresses through. I can't change the ex's behavior, but I can try to get my son all the support to help him learn how to deal with the fall out. Hopefully one day my son will be able to stand up to his dad.

    Best of luck to you and your son. He may need someone neutral to the situation to talk to and help him work through the emotional bs his dad's putting him through.
     
  15. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm so sorry he is going through this. We have gone through it many times with difficult child's bio-idiot.

    This last time he came back was different though. She knows what he is and doesn't expect anything emotionally from him. SHe could care less if he shows up or not. I think it has helped that bio-idiots father is a great male role model for her. They are very close.

    Bio-idiots father doesn't even speak to him anymore. He knows what a true piece of #$%^ he is.

    Sad to say but hopefully difficult child will learn to keep his emotions in check when it comes to bio dad. I think it is harder for boys.

    Steph
     
  16. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That person is NOT acting like a parent, NOT acting like a dad, NOT acting like a father, NOT acting like anything but a sperm donor.

    in my humble opinion, he has no place in your lives and the sooner you cut him off entirely, the better for you both.

    And yes, I'd get my son into therapy ASAP before any more damage is done to him by that total stranger who thinks he can play head games with a very vulnerable young man. Thank God your son has YOU in his life!
     
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