difficult child and life

[susiestar]

Pleas don't assume that just because the similarities between her and her birth mother are so striking that all you have done hasn't helped/changed anything. Given the prenatal abuse (of difficult child by her birth mother), it is probable that it will take many, many, many repetitions of lessons before they can be fully grasped and utilized. I think it just may take her a whole lot longer than it will anyone else.

Giving up on the sub abuse for now is probably the only thing you CAN do. Focusing on it will likely make it seem like that is all you care about.

In the back of some adhd magazine that I read eons ago in a waiting room, there were ads for life coaches. I wonder if something like that would help. These are not the job coaches provided to help someone learn a job, it is someone who evaluates you and helps you figure out what life skills you need. While you and your husband are eminently qualified to teach her these skills and to help her stop and think and choose the right strategy and sklls to handle something, it is fact that many people simply cannot learn from their parents. They just are unable to. they get stuck in that mindset that "Mom and Dad don't know anything, esp about the REAL world" and it takes years for them to figure out that Mom and Dad really DID know a lot,a nd boy would life have been better/easier if they just listened and did what M and D said.


A life coach can give other perspectives, can approach from other areas, and just isn't Mom and/or Dad. I don't know if you would be interested in at least talking to one, but you could probably find a few in the back of various adhd magazines. I am sure they work wtih much more than just adhd.

 

[Nancy]

Mrs. McNear thank you, that's what I needed to hear. I told her I was proud of her and that she made a very good choice to remove the tongue piercing and that all I wanted was for her to be able to take care of herself in a responsible manner and that her dad and I loved her always.

SS I am not giving up, I do believe she can make much more progress than her bm, otherwise I would give up and not try so hard. And I do believe it will take many repetitive lessons for her to finally get it. I am looking into some kind of life skills counselor and/or training for her, thanks for the adhd suggestion.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy, I totally agree you have to follow your gut. And you are so right you really cant control her drinking and so giving up on that is important. I think the main thing when you help them with stuff like this is that you not be tied to the outcome. If you can give to her freely with low expectations of the outcome then I think it is fine. It sounds like you are doing it partly for your own piece of mind and that is really important. Sometimes I think we need to help when we can so that we know in our hearts we have done what we can.

Time will tell if she is really making changes, I really hope that she sincerely is.

TL

 

[lovemysons]

Nancy,
Just wanted you to know that I care about you and your daughter and always ALWAYs hope that she will pick herself back up and keep trying. I know how much you love her with all your heart. You and husband are such a blessing to difficult child.

hugs,
LMS

 

[Nancy]

Update-difficult child went on an interview for a serving job at the club in our baseball stadium that serves season ticket holders. It would be just for home games but the tips would be very good. She was told she has to cover up the tatoo on her arm. Then she picked up one of her W2's at a restaurant she worked at last summer and went to see husband at the office with her paperwork. He was able to settle her bill for only 25% of what they were seeking....he is good. She is very relieved that she is now debt free (except for owing her life to us) and can start out fresh. So far she is doing everything on the list we made out for the week. Friday she goes to court and turns in all the paperwork to satisfy her sentence and then we just wait for her court hearing on March 7 and pray she has learned her lesson.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Sounds like she is really making an effort....

 

[rejectedmom]

I hope this is the turning point you have been working so hard for. Yes your husband is good at negotiations. I did the same for my difficult child but now he is so into debt that I can't even begin to sort it out. -RM

 

[busywend]

Fingers crossed, Nancy! Your difficult child does not even know it but there are several people around the world routing for her to well!

 

[Signorina]

Hi Nancy. I just want to let you know I have been reading and I am feeling very empathetic!

My difficult child actually moved home last week. I have no idea where this is going or if I am doing the wrong or right thing in general; but I know it is the right thing for me right now. I am struggling too with the message it sends and yet what I really want to do is scoop him up in my lap and tell him it will all be ok and we'll fix it. At this point, I have no idea what "it" even is.

You've written earlier about giving her food, doing her laundry, etc... and that always resonates with me. Sometimes, I think that clean laundry and a fully stocked pantry will trigger some sort of primal memory in my son and a realization that he actually LIKES the values & family lifestyle in which he was raised. I am hoping that this chance at a fresh start, a "reset" with no burdens/bills/worries hanging over his head will allow difficult child to realize for himself that the chaos that became his life is yucky and is NOT what he wants forever. Yet at the same time, I know from experience that trying to spell that out for him will most likely have the opposite effect.

I always draw great strength from security that I've found in my marriage/family and my home. These past few years really rocked me to my core. Things are settling back down now and I somehow believe - despite my experiences to the contrary - that extending our home and our family to him may give him security that will foster growth or meaningful change in him.

I hope that the change you are seeing in your difficult child is the change that is going to stick. I think the fact that she has responded well is a huge, positive reaction and a very hopeful and sure sign that the your values are a part of her.

I hope that this period of peace - relief from life's immediate worries - will grant her the mindspace to start thinking forward.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[Nancy]

Sig somehow you are always able to capture my innermost feelings and put them into words better than I can myself. Thank you and I am right there with you in your hopes and dreams.

 

[Mrs.McNear51]

Nancy-

Good for both of you...sounds like one good day leading to the next. Keep feeling the hope and continue to stand strong. Sometimes, we have to stand strong for all of us,and you have just what it takes. Continued prayers and blessings.

Julie