How do you get your difficult child off an obsession? Certainly not the usual ways. Some people try ultimatums - nope. Not a good idea.
The problem is, anxiety makes the problem worse. And the fear that their access to gaming could be restricted, pushes anxiety up.
You have to get to a point where the child himself wants to control his gaming. And you can get to that point, especially when they know they can go back to it any time.
How we've managed - our boys still spend more time gaming than a lot of onlookers think is healthy. But ten - I spend a lot of time on this site, which some people might say is not healthy. It's all relative. The main question is - are you getting the rest of your life dealt with, or is your gaming interfering with you meeting your responsibilities? When you answer that question you have to always keep in mind that a difficult child who uses a lot of gaming as a copping strategy, probably wouldn't achieve much more, if anything, if you took gaming away.
A trick that difficult child 3 uses to get homework done - because it's homework, it's being done on his time. During school hours he is not supposed to be gaming (although a bit sneaks through on break times). But difficult child 3 when completing work in his own time, often answers one question in his work sheets, then plays a level of a game. Then he answers the next question, then he does another game level. And so on. It's been an interesting exercise to let him do this, because he is learning that while he does get work done, it takes him a lot longer and sometimes he still gets caught up in the gaming and forgets to stop in order to do the next question.
What we've also done - we've explained to difficult child 3 that his gaming is recreation but his schoolwork MUST be completed. It won't go away, it will sit there waiting for him. He can pick up gaming any time, there i no deadline for it. But there is a deadline for schoolwork. So we've often encouraged him to get his responsibilities dealt with first, so he can enjoy his gaming.
If you get into a pattern with him of always seeming to be angry or exasperated with his obsession, then it increasingly becomes a competition between you, and gaming. it's like you're always against it, so he will tend to be more anxious about it, more secretive. Not healthy. You need to always make it clear - HE is choosing. And you understand it is his choice, you cannot nag about the gaming, instead you should nag about other work not getting done. He can game all he wants, as long as it doesn't interfere with Life.
Another trick we've used - we set up whichever our current goal is (at the moment, it's difficult child 3 being in bed before midnight) and we talked it over with him and negotiated - he earns game time, with me, every time he achieves his goal. We accrue the time and 'spend' it on the weekend or holidays. Right now he's into me for nearly two hours' gaming. I have to sit and play a computer game with him, both of us spending time together. I sometimes have a say in what game we play (for example, we have played A LOT of Mario Party!).
It really is a win-win situation, because
1) He sees you as a fellow-player and therefore not someone who is automatically anti-game;
2) You are spending quality time with him, doing something he loves, which boosts your relationship;
3) You are getting a glimpse into his world;
4) He is getting a BIG positive pay-off in whatever it is you're trying to achieve.
You have to play fair - if the phone rings, the clock stops. Be more generous, rather than less. There's no point haggling over minutes and forcing a meltdown, when allowing him an extra five minutes to compensate for interruptions will leave him happy and contented.
If you have to cut a session short (crises always happen) then make sure he knows that he hasn't lost out. Of course he will be disappointed if a session is suddenly cut short, but make it clear - you promise to spend that time with him when the next chance arises. Don't get upset if he rages or nags, again it will be anxiety speaking.
And the final really vital rule - NEVER PUNISH BY REMOVING REWARD TIME/VOUCHERS ALREADY EARNED!!! No matter what. If he has earned an hour's play by meeting whatever standard was asked, and you have agreed he has earned it, then he does something bad such as steals from someone - unless you can prove that his 'crime' allowed him to cheat the system and therefore his rewards were not earned after all, they stay earned. You can of course delay awarding them until he is not grounded, but again you need to be realistic.
I remember when we saw "The Black Balloon" and the scene in that film where the autistic boy (on a sticker-reward chart) runs away and goes into a strange house to use the toilet, his mother punishes him by taking some stars away from him. He had earned those stars in various ways, including taking his medicine without causing problems. To take away the stars as punishment, was a very bad way to handle it. Another example also from that film - his brother 'bribes' the autistic boy by promising him two stars if he goes to his room to play quietly, while brother chats up a girl who has just come to the door. These were wonderful examples of what not to do, but so well presented that we could understand why people do it. We then almost immediately saw why you SHOULDN'T do it.
I hope this helps. But mostly - this is how he copes. The raging - if it wasn't gaming, it would be something else. The gaming is not the cause, it is just where you see it. If we lived in an era where computer games did not exist, then whatever else this would be, would be just as much a problem.
Other people around you will give you heaps about this. Learn to ignore them. They don't live inside his head, so they can't understand.
We have family who don't understand about difficult child 3 and his total obsession with computers, computer gaming and anything electronic. It is such a big thing for difficult child 3, that we know, one way or another, this is going to be his life and his career. mother in law and sis-in-law are so adamant about trying to block this, that they no longer give difficult child 3 any vouchers or money for birthday or Christmas. In fact for difficult child 3's last birthday they gave him a stamp album. difficult child 3 is not the slightest bit interested in stamps and this did not do a thing to make him at all inclined to even think about it. I didn't think it would, but they insisted despite my better judgement. And of course they wanted him to be suitably grateful and awed by the gift. It's OK for me, I actually collect stamps and can see the value in this collection, but I don't think difficult child 3 ever will, not even when he's 50. I would like difficult child 3 to be interested in stamps so he can take over my collection, but I know it won't happen, I've already tried.
Meanwhile difficult child 3, who had been hoping for money he could put towards his planned purchase of a new DSi, sighed and got on with finding more ways to make enough money to buy his target 'toy'. He did end up buying his new DSi, it just took him a bit longer. He is very single-minded and there's no way that all the thought, energy and effort tat went into setting up that stamp album for him for his birthday, was worth it, in my opinion.
Backfire!
In summary - you have to work with these kids, starting form where they are at, and don't force the issue. take it very gently and slowly, in baby steps. Computer games are not evil. I don't believe the problems our kids have are primarily addictive, although I see it looks that way. There is a lot more room for working on this, including monitoring which games are available to play. And I also firmly believe that for our kids, they actually get a lot of good stuff form gaming, that we are not always aware of.
Marg
